Forgiveness...

[venusianx13]

In order to truly forgive someone, must you also "like" them? I struggle with this. I feel it is an oxymoron to say you've forgiven someone, but still harbor the feeling of not truly liking them.

 

I ask this because, in short, I have my high school reunion coming up. I went to a small private high school and was VP of both my junior and senior classes. I did not get along with the girl who was class president various reasons, including A) she knowingly engaged in relations with my boyfriend at the time when I was 17, and she was supposed to be a "friend". After it happened, she denied to everyone but ME. B) she was supposed to be setting a good example as class President, yet was buying drugs on school property. I knew of this because some of the guys she bought drugs off of told me. The guys were not upstanding citizens of the school, so I wasn't surprised in their part of it. I kept what was going on to myself because I knew that the teachers wouldn't believe it, as she presented herself to be, well, an honest person with good morals.

 

Very few people knew of how I felt about her because I kept it to myself for the most part. I just felt that was the right thing to do. However, now that I've been invited to my reunion, and I am almost certain that she will be there, I have realized that I have not forgiven her, and that even if I DO forgive her, I still probably won't like her. Is that even possible? And I'd really hate to carry around this feeling while having to engage with her.

 

Has anyone else here struggled with forgiveness? What has your faith taught you about it? To me, it's a very spiritual topic, which is why I've posted it here. As always, I appreciate answers from people of all faiths.

Edited April 5, 2013 by venusianx13

[M30USA]

Not sure if you're a religious person but I can tell you what works for me.

 

Forgiveness, as you've heard, is less about the person you're forgiving than it is about you. You are in essence acknowledging that, for whatever reason, the person did what they did. It may have been intentional and premeditated; it may have been done in ignorance. Either way you acknowledge that it happens and, more importantly, there's nothing you can do about it. In all likelihood the offending person will never change and doesn't even believe they wronged you. Yet if you choose to forgive you are basically "dropping charges". The offending person has probably gone on with his/her life and its only you who is left with the internal struggle of coming to terms with their offense. This is why it's more about you than them. Think of forgiveness in a less personal way where it didn't even come from that particular person but was kind of floating around and you happened to get hit by it--as if it was just the luck of the draw. This might help you just say "oh well" and move on.

 

The problem with not forgiving is that it usually turns you into the very thing that hurt you. People who get abused are more likely to become abusers, thenseleves, if they don't forgive their offender. This is opposite to what you'd think. It's the "be strong and don't take $hit from nobody" mindset after abuse that makes you go and do the same to another innocent person.

Edited April 5, 2013 by M30USA

[venusianx13]

Ah, yes... I'm actually a Buddhist and very spiritually open. What you've said here is very much in line with what I've learned about forgiveness. I was actually surprised that when I thought about having to interact with this woman, I still felt angry. I hadn't thought about what had happened in years. When I realized I still had not forgiven her, I knew I had to and why. However, I don't think I can ever truly like her. Is that in itself wrong? That's the part I'm struggling with at the moment.

[M30USA]

Ah, yes... I'm actually a Buddhist and very spiritually open. What you've said here is very much in line with what I've learned about forgiveness. I was actually surprised that when I thought about having to interact with this woman, I still felt angry. I hadn't thought about what had happened in years. When I realized I still had not forgiven her, I knew I had to and why. However, I don't think I can ever truly like her. Is that in itself wrong? That's the part I'm struggling with at the moment.

 

You don't have to like a person to forgive them. Most of the time we like a person who is similar to us or compliments us in some way. Liking is very self-reflecting. So you don't have to like a person to forgive them. Usually we have zero trouble forgiving a person we like--and we might automatically forgive without even choosing to. But it's other people we don't like who I think the issue has ALWAYS been about.

[BetheButterfly]

Ah, yes... I'm actually a Buddhist and very spiritually open. What you've said here is very much in line with what I've learned about forgiveness. I was actually surprised that when I thought about having to interact with this woman, I still felt angry. I hadn't thought about what had happened in years. When I realized I still had not forgiven her, I knew I had to and why. However, I don't think I can ever truly like her. Is that in itself wrong? That's the part I'm struggling with at the moment.

 

Are their actions why a person doesn't like another? For example, let's say I don't like a person because he/she smacks gum. (That annoys me.) So then, it's not the person that I don't like, but rather that person's annoying action that I dislike. I can choose to ignore that or address that action or habit in a kind way. However, if I insult the person whose annoying habit I don't like and/or gossip about that person, then I do think that's very wrong. I think it's best for me to like that person but just not like that annoying habit, and kindly address that habit.

 

Let's say there are personality traits of a person that I don't like... for example, a person I love has personality traits that annoy me. However, if I decide to dislike this person simply because he/she has traits that annoy me, then I think that's not really fair. I'm sure I have personality traits that bother others, and I appreciate it that they don't dislike me simply because of the traits I have that they dislike.

 

This lady in question hurt you by cheating WITH your boyfriend (who was the main one who hurt you in this case) and has done things that are not the best, breaking the law.

 

I do think it's important to forgive her and to "cancel the debt" so to speak, but I don't think you need to become friends with her. I also think it's fine to not like what she did and maybe still does? I also think it's fine to report when laws are broken. For example, I don't think it's wrong to tell police that people are selling drugs at one's high school to kids.

 

It might help by focusing on the possibility that maybe she has changed? It also might (though it might not) help to actively reach out and verbally tell her you forgive her and your ex-boyfriend for how they hurt you. Then, it might be nice to talk with her, focusing on any positives.

 

If you can't find any positives that allow you to like her, I don't think that's wrong as long as you don't gossip about her and/or are mean to her. I think it's best to simply walk away and just treat her with kindness, whether you like her or not.

 

To me, what is wrong is gossiping about another and being mean to someone. I don't think it's wrong though to dislike someone or what someone says or does.

Edited April 5, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

Has anyone else here struggled with forgiveness? What has your faith taught you about it? To me, it's a very spiritual topic, which is why I've posted it here. As always, I appreciate answers from people of all faiths.

 

I have struggled with forgiveness and depending on what action/words people say, I think I will continue to struggle. It's not natural to forgive and to not want revenge.

 

My faith teaches to forgive, to do good, to love, to pray for, and to bless.

 

Yep it is spiritual.

 

One of the ladies I've learned so much from is Corrie ten Boom! She forgave the Nazis who hurt her and her family and killed/tortured thousands of people. She didn't like what they did, but she canceled the debt they owed her (and can never repay). She taught God's love and forgiveness to people around the world after she escaped the concentration camp where her sister died.

 

My Mom helped me learn how to forgive and pray for people when I was young. I don't remember all that clearly anymore, but I do remember this girl (I still remember her name) who told me she hated me. I didn't know why. I was so upset, but I didn't tell her I hated her back. I didn't hate her! I was so sad she hated me!

 

Rather, I just cried and told my Mom. Mom told me to pray for her and everyday we would pray blessings for her. Later on, we became friends, though not very good friends. Ever since we moved away, I've not heard from her, but I am so glad that my Mom taught me to forgive and to not retaliate and to pray instead for her and be kind.

[venusianx13]

Are their actions why a person doesn't like another? For example, let's say I don't like a person because he/she smacks gum. (That annoys me.) So then, it's not the person that I don't like, but rather that person's annoying action that I dislike. I can choose to ignore that or address that action or habit in a kind way. However, if I insult the person whose annoying habit I don't like and/or gossip about that person, then I do think that's very wrong. I think it's best for me to like that person but just not like that annoying habit, and kindly address that habit.

 

Let's say there are personality traits of a person that I don't like... for example, a person I love has personality traits that annoy me. However, if I decide to dislike this person simply because he/she has traits that annoy me, then I think that's not really fair. I'm sure I have personality traits that bother others, and I appreciate it that they don't dislike me simply because of the traits I have that they dislike.

 

This lady in question hurt you by cheating WITH your boyfriend (who was the main one who hurt you in this case) and has done things that are not the best, breaking the law.

 

I do think it's important to forgive her and to "cancel the debt" so to speak, but I don't think you need to become friends with her. I also think it's fine to not like what she did and maybe still does? I also think it's fine to report when laws are broken. For example, I don't think it's wrong to tell police that people are selling drugs at one's high school to kids.

 

It might help by focusing on the possibility that maybe she has changed? It also might (though it might not) help to actively reach out and verbally tell her you forgive her and your ex-boyfriend for how they hurt you. Then, it might be nice to talk with her, focusing on any positives.

 

If you can't find any positives that allow you to like her, I don't think that's wrong as long as you don't gossip about her and/or are mean to her. I think it's best to simply walk away and just treat her with kindness, whether you like her or not.

 

To me, what is wrong is gossiping about another and being mean to someone. I don't think it's wrong though to dislike someone or what someone says or does.

 

Thanks, this all makes a lot of sense. My boyfriend also reminded me that she may have changed, and this may be true. I sure hope so. At any rate, I've forgiven what happened with my long ago boyfriend. The part I'm having trouble letting go of is the fact that she lied to get ahead. And it wasn't any kind of small infraction, either... like you said, she broke the law. I didn't blow the whistle, so to speak, because I believe people would have had a really, really hard time believing it. I felt it was better to leave it alone and just be a good, genuine person. I carried this anger with me, though.

 

It's much easier to forgive the people you love, yes. And I can separate peoples' habits that irritate me from a general dislike of their overall being. I try to have all-encompassing love for everyone, for all living beings... but this where I'm struggling big time. I need to get out of my own way and realize that despite what she did back ten, eleven, twelve years ago, she is still deserving of happiness and love. I want to make sure that if and when I encounter her, I am kind. I will most likely not exchange contact info with her or want to keep in touch, but I genuinely want to be kind and to wish her well.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks, this all makes a lot of sense. My boyfriend also reminded me that she may have changed, and this may be true. I sure hope so.

 

I hope so too.

 

At any rate, I've forgiven what happened with my long ago boyfriend.

 

That's awesome, and it is difficult to do.

 

The part I'm having trouble letting go of is the fact that she lied to get ahead. And it wasn't any kind of small infraction, either... like you said, she broke the law.

 

Yeah. I don't appreciate it when people break the law that's supposed to protect/help people. Illegal drug intake by minors hurts them by altering their brains at a very critical stage of their development.

 

I didn't blow the whistle, so to speak, because I believe people would have had a really, really hard time believing it.

 

That is frustrating I bet... it is sad that sometimes people won't believe the truth.

 

I felt it was better to leave it alone and just be a good, genuine person. I carried this anger with me, though.

 

Understood. I get so angry at all the injustice and harm and abuse in the world today. That is very hard for me to forgive, even when that injustice and harm/abuse is not directed at me.

 

It's much easier to forgive the people you love, yes.

 

So true!!!

 

And I can separate peoples' habits that irritate me from a general dislike of their overall being.

 

That's cool!

 

I try to have all-encompassing love for everyone, for all living beings...

 

That's awesome!!! and yeah really difficult.

 

but this where I'm struggling big time.

 

Understood. I struggle with this in general.

 

I need to get out of my own way and realize that despite what she did back ten, eleven, twelve years ago, she is still deserving of happiness and love. I want to make sure that if and when I encounter her, I am kind. I will most likely not exchange contact info with her or want to keep in touch, but I genuinely want to be kind and to wish her well.

 

I think that's very awesome and I hope you have a wonderful reunion!!! Yeah, I don't think you have to become friends with her or decide to like her and what she does/says, but being kind to her and wishing her well is so freeing, and it is love in action! I think forgiveness includes kindness, grace, and mercy.

[TheFinalWord]

In order to truly forgive someone, must you also "like" them? I struggle with this. I feel it is an oxymoron to say you've forgiven someone, but still harbor the feeling of not truly liking them.

 

I ask this because, in short, I have my high school reunion coming up. I went to a small private high school and was VP of both my junior and senior classes. I did not get along with the girl who was class president various reasons, including A) she knowingly engaged in relations with my boyfriend at the time when I was 17, and she was supposed to be a "friend". After it happened, she denied to everyone but ME. B) she was supposed to be setting a good example as class President, yet was buying drugs on school property. I knew of this because some of the guys she bought drugs off of told me. The guys were not upstanding citizens of the school, so I wasn't surprised in their part of it. I kept what was going on to myself because I knew that the teachers wouldn't believe it, as she presented herself to be, well, an honest person with good morals.

 

Very few people knew of how I felt about her because I kept it to myself for the most part. I just felt that was the right thing to do. However, now that I've been invited to my reunion, and I am almost certain that she will be there, I have realized that I have not forgiven her, and that even if I DO forgive her, I still probably won't like her. Is that even possible? And I'd really hate to carry around this feeling while having to engage with her.

 

Has anyone else here struggled with forgiveness? What has your faith taught you about it? To me, it's a very spiritual topic, which is why I've posted it here. As always, I appreciate answers from people of all faiths.

 

Hi venusianx13,

 

You always have very practical, thought-provoking threads. Thanks for that!

 

When it comes to people that appear to get away with evil, it is often easy for us to become frustrated (and I've even noticed jealousy). Hey, I am living right and this person is getting away with murder, and prospering! Not fair. But they really do not get away with anything (it can take many reminders to stay in that mindset haha).

 

In terms of forgiveness. I have always found forgiveness is for our benefit. Forgiveness is not something that can be forced. It can be a process. But the fact you are humbling yourself and desiring forgiveness is really the best position to be in. Often when someone has wronged us, they live their life without giving us a second thought. So, it really is to our advantage to forgive, for our own health.

 

Whereas, reconciliation is not always possible. There are some toxic people that we cannot allow into our lives. Only God can fix such people, but when people get away with wrong, it builds up their pride. Until they are humbled they are unlikely to change. One amazing example of this is Paul in the bible. He was imprisoning Christians and getting away with it. It took God to humble him. And often that is the best mindset to take. Often, when we try to humble them, we end up becoming vengeful, which is not edifying. For example, with this girl you might have the power to expose her, but that is unlikely to humble anyone and often only further hardens a person's heart (illegal actions are another matter, but I'm talking about someone using or hurting you, not breaking laws). That is why I just leave it to God

 

Very honest struggle. I think we all have someone like this in our lives. Thanks for being honest with your struggles! I'll definitely be thinking more about what you said today and how it applies to my life

[pie2]

In order to truly forgive someone, must you also "like" them? I struggle with this. I feel it is an oxymoron to say you've forgiven someone, but still harbor the feeling of not truly liking them.

 

I think 'like' is a pretty broad term. But, yeah, I'd say that real forgiveness includes a love for that other person, a recognition that s/he is human with at least some good traits (and bad traits, just as we all do), and that those two things would lead to at least some feelings of 'liking' the other person.

 

Has anyone else here struggled with forgiveness? What has your faith taught you about it?

 

Oh, yes...I definitely struggle with this topic. I have lots to learn, and am learning right now (great thread)! Even within Christianity, it seems that there are so many different understandings of what forgiveness means. I'm no expert on the topic, but at this point in my life, I think I may view it a little differently than others.

 

I don't really understand forgiving someone who isn't sorry. I mean, forgiving can be hard enough when someone is asking to be forgiven (especially when the offense has been repeated...many times, or it's something pretty serious). But forgiving someone like Osama Bin Laden, who probably went to his grave happy with his life...I just don't get it.

 

So, I personally make a distinction between forgiving someone, and giving the offense to God, or in other words, releasing the pain from my life and letting God deal with it. I don't think we should hold on to the hurt. I don't think we should wish harm upon that person. In fact, I think we should pray for God's love to fill that person's life. But we're only human, and I don't think it's wise to trust that person who isn't one bit repentant for what they've done.

 

However, now that I've been invited to my reunion, and I am almost certain that she will be there, I have realized that I have not forgiven her, and that even if I DO forgive her, I still probably won't like her. Is that even possible? And I'd really hate to carry around this feeling while having to engage with her.

 

Be graceful, mature and polite. Realize that you're not perfect, and that she may have changed. And if you have it in you to completely let go without any acknowledgement from her...well you're a better woman than me!

 

I wish you lots of luck. Try to focus on all of the good memories you have from HS, and don't let this girl take away any of your joy.

 

 

 

 

(OMG - since when do we have spellcheck??!!! I LOVE it)

[pie2]

I mentioned earlier that I have a lot to learn about this topic; it's a really deep subject . I've been looking at how I react to different events, and I realize that a big element that we have to consider first and foremost is God's commandment to be "slow to anger". I think that is so crucial in not getting offended at every little thing that happens to us.

 

Thanks again for this great thread, OP. Definitely gives me lots to think about .

[Eve]

I see forgiveness as freeing oneself from the other person and as a means to ask God to intervene. I do not think I could have forgiven the people who hurt me the most without His intervention.

 

In this regard, I follow Proverbs 27:11 Be wise, my son, and make my heart glad, that I may answer him who reproaches me. Basically I ask that the issue be resolved here and not on Gods Day and this works for me as some things I don't think are meant for me to try to forgive on my own. Seeing the act of asking for forgiveness as being an afront to God more even than to me, means I can acknowledge my hurt feelings and the incompleteness that the injustice has created but still trust in God.

 

General use of forgiveness I see as necessary to not allow toxic people into your core. I tend to think, 'it could have been me', and deal with the situation/pray for them. Honestly though, I am not sure I would go as far as what some do.. but hey!

 

Take care,

Eve x