"He says... I need time to myself"

[LoveB86]

Usually it's not something happening out of nowhere, you can see it coming.

 

Distancing of my ex was obvious for me when he stopped saying 'I love you', unless I'd say it first. Then something felt wrong in the calls & just face to face communication and other signals. Then he said he does not want the relationship with me (when we broke up in January).

 

Or later, after 3 weeks he returned back and we were seeing each other for a week. Again, I felt something is going wrong. He went cold, awkward and etc. So I asked what is up. Again, this time he said he is not sure what he is feeling.

 

I think it is quite obvious. He does not feel strong enough to have a relationship with you (so I think about my dumper tbh). But he also does feel something, otherwise he would break up with you at the first place. Unless the guy is a total retard.

 

 

I didn't truly see anything coming. So maybe the last few days of sprinkle texts and phone calls, but my weekend was so occupy with my best friend coming to town from out of state. He was aware of this for months already and it was only just Fri/Sat. I still communicated with him, but it was a weekend of work for him. So honestly, I didn't see anything coming. It was blindsided at best.

 

Owlsoul, can you explain to me about "he does not feel strong enough about having a relationship with me?" Would you mean, he was not ready at all? Is this like a commitment phobic type answer? I am not sure he felt that because it wasn't really that way. No pressure between us as we took everythin moment by moment

[OwlSoul]

Maybe it will come soon or maybe not.

Heh, I've never felt angry at my ex, since I understand what he is feeling at this moment. I've been in his shoes before with other guy I dumped.

 

So yeah, one more thing which helpes to go through this is understanding what is going on. LS helps with this a lot (I'd personally enjoy to talk to you in skype).

 

Little tip:

Having an actual physical diary helps a lot as well + helps to deal with the panic attacks. Like writing down the facts about the strange behaviour of your ex. Detective novel

 

You can see how much you think about the person and how much you think about other stuff, so you kind of gain some self-control and start wondering other things. It helps to see how much did you moved on, in case you started writing less about the ex.

 

 

Owlsoul, can you explain to me about "he does not feel strong enough about having a relationship with me?" Would you mean, he was not ready at all? Is this like a commitment phobic type answer?

I do not think it is a commitment fear. Basically, fear of commitment is a bull s. excuse of all the times. You can see stories about some dumpers saying this and then jumping into marriage after just few months.

 

I mean, he does not love you that much. His feelings fade away or just about to do so. His mind says 'She is gorgeous, she is so nice and so loving', but his heart is saying 'I need freedom, I need to get away from this relationship'. < - Sorry for this sounding so harsh. I do believe my ex feels in the same way as yours.

Edited April 7, 2013 by OwlSoul

[aussietigerwolf]

In my case it was he had gone back to his ex girlfriend and never told me just would text Me some lies once every few days and totally stopped seeing me all together. I didnt find out this until I culled my friends list (I had moved on because I figured this has happened) I found out that he had been on there quite offten and posted pics of him kissing her. It kinda hurt to realise he was totally not the guy I thought he was.

[LoveB86]

Thank you owlsoul for your response. Especially at this time of the night.. I greatly appreciate it.

 

 

 

It's almost 2am here in California. My emotions right now: Kinda tired (physically), I miss him so much and wish I was next him. I remember the other week, sleeping next to him in his bed.. feeling so safe. Oh sh*t, a tear is droppin down my cheek. Wow, this is hardd baby! I never felt such passion behind this. First time ever... why this guy was so different from others? Because he was so mellow and calm. He really lived life in a calm, relaxing way. He always told me something like this "dont worry, just be happy".

 

To be honest, I don't think he was sure of his ownself at times. It dunn on me but when I first met him a year ago, maybe 4 months into our relationship, he was talking about the pressure of going to the army to do wht his youngest brother is doing. I never knew if it was a resentment, a blow to his ego, as he always said he felt as the oldest in the family, he let everyone down.

 

He then began to push me away that moment as we talked. I gave him time to figure his issues out and 15 minutes later, he came right back to apologized and that he had so much on his mind. I told him, he has got to be honest with me and can't just push me away because all I am here is to support him. Ever since, he never did that again to me until now...

 

Now where he pushes me away by ignoring me flat out and not tellin me what is going on a 11 months later.

[LoveB86]

Owlsoul,

 

Wow! Damn that message in reply to "strong relationship" hit me hard! Damn, it crossed my mind that maybe he wasn't in love with me after all. His feeling faded quick. He went cold on me right after Easter Sunday because I did not go out there.

 

Wow hun, that hit me so hard in the chest. I can meltdown any minute.

[OwlSoul]

Some songs to cheer you up.

[LoveB86]

The meltdown just happened.

 

He was not in love with me or was not in love anymore.

 

His feelings faded.

 

Why did I not truly think of this?

 

 

I can't listen to any music as my radio is shut off for reasons that I don't want to be thinking of him everytime some song comes on about love. So I cut that out as apart of my healing process. I avoid most tv channels that show couples. it's the only way for me to survive this.

[OwlSoul]

I'm so sorry for hurting you with my words...

 

I do believe that love is something which goes away and comes back in relationships. It is just buried under the circumstances/issues which caused the big changes in a couple's life. That's why a lot of dumpers after some time are trying to come back after some time passes.

[LoveB86]

I'm so sorry for hurting you with my words...

 

I do believe that love is something which goes away and comes back in relationships. It is just buried under the circumstances/issues which caused the big changes in a couple's life. That's why a lot of dumpers after some time are trying to come back after some time passes.

 

No worries, I needed that badly. It puts my mind more into a perspective with just a few simple words. I appreciate you making that as simple as possible.

 

 

You're right about that. Honestly, every ex that ended with me, came back and wanted to reconcile. Infact, it seemed like their conscious knocked them in the head a few times. But by then, I was completely over each them and wanted nothing more but to remain as nothing to them. I have to admit!

 

This dude, I don't know about him. If he were to come back with reasonable answers and actions show, he might just be the one I would take back. The first one I would take back. Because I am learning to let him go if I really loved him.

[LoveB86]

It's Sunday at 3am. I tried to fall asleep but now the memory of him when he brought me flowers to work and he took of his sunglasses and smiled so big.

 

That picture had been haunting me starting tonight. I just bow down and pray to God to get that image out of my head. It's something I just don't need as he always had a big smile around me. I just don't what to do as I canno stop crying. I am trying so hard to push thru these moments. Sometimes enough is enough. I don't ever want to fall in love ever again. I cannot take the pain and sorrow. It's unhealthy for me to live my life like this. I'm 26 and I declared I am done with these relationships. I know of older women, some divorce who are living life fine without the ups and downs of relationships. No more for me which means no marriage. I am absolutely done. With All of these divorces, I am absolutely done with love.

 

My ego is blown

[LoveB86]

4am here ! Yes I am up. I feel delusional. I pretty much want him back. Bottomline...

 

Enough said... Today is a hockey game that we both go to quite often. Well today's game is huge because of the two CA rivals. I know for sure he is going to go. I am scared to go because I don't want to see him especially if he is with someone else.

 

I love him soo much. I am staying with NC.

[LoveB86]

i fell asleep... it's 4:53a I just woke up from a nightmare it was a dream of my ex a dream of him picking me and taking me to his friends house. He went to his car and called me twice where he left me there at his friends..

 

My body woke me up from this nightmare.. Omg I had dreaming about him and I mentally/physically tired and cant get away from this! I am about to lose my mind and break NC. I am sick of this!! Just sick of this!!

[LoveB86]

I couldnt sleep at all last night. It's his day off on Sundays and usually I spend all day with him..What is worst is it's a hockey game and it's both of our fav teams. If he decides he gonna go, whether with a new girl or someone, I hope he thinks about me. The fact that we were just at a game a week and a half ago together. Hope he remembers that every Sunday was our family day as we would hang out with his family and enjoy life.

 

I know this website has so many people with different experiences regarding breakups, different point of views, and etc. I am trying so hard to respect this guy's space. Whether I sound crazy or whatever, just understand I am only getting thru the pain and rather vent it out as much as I can.

 

He ignored me, didn't tell me what was going on...

 

He only sent two 2 txts (only the last one happened 2 days ago:

 

I'm sorry (my name goes here) it's nothing bad you did I just need time to think about things. I could of done things differently but i Hope you understand. I know your feelings are hurt i never wanted to put you thru this or make you cry. i had a talk with my sis and felt that i needed time alone to think things straight. I feel by texting you or calling you is only

gonna make things harder I'm deeply sorry. Its hard for me too knowing that your sad inside Try hanging out with some friends to keep your mind busy and free from thinking about us. Sorry

 

I wish he would tell me what's wrong. Wish he didn't hurt me especially in this way. He said I didn't do anything bad, like whatever is going on is him. He knows he shouldn't contact me, how does he feel justified to follow that?

 

???????? I wish he would tell me why

Edited April 7, 2013 by LoveB86

[LoveB86]

Everyone is tellin me its probably another girl. It can't be any other options they say. Its almost always another girl they say. Otherwise, why why why or how it could be anything else?

 

It seems like every person on LS finds out its another person. Maybe that's why he is not telling me anything!? He doesn't want to talk? He probably lied because when I ask him if it's someone else, he said "no"

 

It probably is...

Edited April 7, 2013 by LoveB86

[Cogee]

When my ex finally faced me to talk to me, she clearly wanted to say as minimal as she could. She did not show a single emotion when she was talking and it was very clear to me she was very calculated in what she was saying. The reason she gave to end things was designed to make me go "oh well, then I guess this ending is all for the best" but I had none of that. I challenged what she was saying, which forced her to say things I know she never wanted.

 

I took the opportunity to ask sensible questions and hold her accountable for what was happening. As I was able to take more control of the conversation she slowly lost her composure and got very uncomfortable by the end. The only times she showed emotion were when she smiled as I arrived, sombre as she told me she didn't have feelings for me any more, and a nervous smile as we departed. She never once asked me about anything. She clearly wanted things to go according to her plan so she could get in, tell lies, get out.

 

During that whole interaction, the truth of the situation never came out. When I asked if there was someone else, she didn't flinch and said no. When I asked her to swear there was no one, she did it without hesitation. It completely makes sense to me now why she got extremely uncomfortable after that and she was so quick to remove me from every communication media possible.

 

I think that the ex will avoid talking precisely because they don't know what to say should the truth come out. They know that what is happening does not reflect well on them, and they want to save both their image and their own heart ache by avoiding witnessing you as they tell the truth. Perhaps in your situation this isn't what is happening and something truly bizarre is going on.

 

Just understand that they are choosing to leave you and choosing to ignore the reality of the situation by avoiding you, but it will eventually come back to them. Everyone has to face their guilt at some point.

[2sunny]

You are handing him too much of YOUR power.

 

Please get busy living. You owe yourself that!

 

It's best to keep moving forward. Don't look back!

[JourneyLady]

JourneyLady,

 

Your response was enlightening in a calm, adult like manner by allowing space. Space of what others on LS might say "breakup, he cheated, he is into someone else" and all of the above. Others might say that is wrong to be accepting of someone who does not want to be with you, but I liked that you said it as if you love him, let him go. I would love to hear other responses regarding that point of view. It really takes off the edge of what might be considered of someone who wants the person back, but does that ever make you think that all in all is just making you feel of false hope?

 

Yes, I admit it does. He wanted to stay single yesterday but by nightfall I had decided forget that! I don't want to be sitting around as unclaimed baggage alongside his life so I told him my decision and went NC. I don't feel like "a friend" and I don't want to keep in contact if there's no relationship. He may or may not wake up and see that he will lose me. If he asks me for an official relationship again, he will get it, but I am not going to be one of his friends.

 

Because just a friend won't agonize over what you do to yourself and be miserable for you while you're doing it. He's abandoned two other friendships in the past two weeks because of his "victimized" thinking, and now the unrelated person who loved him the most (me) was also placed on the sidelines.

 

Each person has to decide for themselves how long they will wait for the other. We'd only been in a relationship for about a month. I figured if he didn't miss me enough to at least talk in person or want the relationship back over 48 hours, it was not going to happen.

 

I'm still stewing in it today, but starting tomorrow I will start living like he didn't exist.

[LoveB86]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm back with some sad news that happened 2 days ago. Well just want to remind you what is going on. He told me he needed time away to think about things, haven't been responding to any of my txt or calls in a week (COWARD) Well I found out he cheated on me with another co worker who works in his department that I kinda knew. They're now officially girlfriend and boyfriend and told my friend infront of the girl, that I was only a "hang out friend"????? "that He was never with me" "that I was just a hangout" for a year of spending lots of time with him and his family and he disrespects me by saying that? He said that infront of my friend and his new girlfriend of a week. Really??? So I meant nothing to him after a year

of buying him things, taking care of him, spending time with his family and

friends?? He also introduced his new girlfriend to his family and I was with

his family a week before!?? He totally blindsided me when he said he

needed time to think and was sleeping with this girl when he was with me.

Now they're a couple after after a few weeks him cheating behind my back.

She met his family and I was with them a week and half ago. Like how dirty and f**cked up is that? Telling my friend and his new girlfriend who

confronted him at work that "I was just a hangout and He didn't care and

loved me like that". His new girl doesn't even realize he was playing the

both of us. Texting her while he is in bed next to me all this time! He may

be having "new" sex, and enjoying the "new" girl and all that good stuff that happens in the beginning of a lust "NEW" relationship. Yeah everything is great but wait till he really gets to know her! But how can he forget who cared for him the most for a year? All the stuff I did for him meant nothing?

 

I cried so hard as it was messed up what he did, I should of never dated a co worker and now he is dating someone else from the same company. This happened 2 days ago, but I work with these people but I am in a different building but its so hard dealing with this situation! i feel scared to see them and I learned my lesson about dating co workers. Never ever again!

 

He did me so wrong and dirty! I was AWESOME to this man, but I am

moving on! I don't deserve how he cowardly dropped me out of his life, sleeping with a co worker behind my back and now made her his gf after 3 weeks! I am biting the bullet everyday at work, but I will stay strong. I am going to walk around like I no longer give a sh*t! I didn't do anything wrong to him and he knows it. He just lied so he can get with the new girl.

 

Good luck to them and I will overcome this!! He might of checked out of us, but he got caught. One day, I hope he realizes this! May the Healing begin! One day when he leasts expect it, KARMA will hit him so fast! My revenge is biting the bullet and showing them that they won't see me sweat. I will walk around them and ignore what their doing because I am

overcoming the Bs and staying strong!

 

I will walk away in peace. Glad it happened now and not years later witj children involves. Good luck to them and one day he will get his karma when he leasts expext it and I won't be around!

Edited April 10, 2013 by LoveB86

[OwlSoul]

Looks like your intuition and dreams were trying to warn you. Really sad to hear about it, I've been cheering for you. *hugs*

[Cogee]

Very sorry to hear that LoveB I was hoping things wouldn't turn out the same for you as it did for me, but I guess in hindsight we can look back at these situations and make sense of them a bit more. Rather than tell the truth, our partners took a cowards way out, and cheated on us on top of that. It's clear now too that his sister was indeed very upset with him about this and tried to get him to say something to you, but he STILL chickened out.

 

He is trying to minimize what you were to him in front of your friend because he doesn't want to deal with the guilt of what he did. I can guarantee that if he truly felt you were "just a hangout" he would have had no problem facing you and ending things like a decent person. Instead, he hoped you would disappear into the sunset and he wouldn't have to deal with it.

 

At least you now know, just as I know, how your ex truly is and this isn't someone you would want to be with. I look forward to you posting more on LS as you heal!

[LoveB86]

OwlSoul- Thank u for that. May you find love that will be everlasting.

 

To all those who got cheated on - Stay strong, if your religious then say a prayer and ask for guidance in order to heal and put this behind you.

 

Most of all, love yourself, take care of you because when no one else does, atleast you still can stand tall on your feet.

 

I might break down amd cry here and there but this is a reminder to keep on going. Find a quote that empowers you and say it to urself over n over. I got my closure and thats him cheating.

 

When they say they need space - Move the hell on because they might not be tellin you the truth. For me, he said that and was cheating behind my back.

 

I am officially skipping my way to happiness. Forget anyone else that didn't love me, well they keep can pass up on by me because I am gonna keep on walking.

[2sunny]

I'd send him one last message - stating simply he's a cheating douche and not worthy of wiping your feet on him.

[Cogee]

I'd send him one last message - stating simply he's a cheating douche and not worthy of wiping your feet on him.

 

I wouldn't, and I didn't. I faced something similar to her and took the high road. I've taken the time to control my emotions and not let them get the best of me. If my ex came and provoked me by saying things to my face that were disrespectful I would most certainly give her a piece of my mind. But as it stands, her ex and my ex don't even deserve acknowledgement.

[Damsel in Distress]

Love, I am SO sorry to hear it was somebody else and that he started with her while he was still with you. I am so sick of hearing about people "needing space" and it means almost every time this is what they needed space for

 

I'm sure you are shocked and devastated and angry and broken but even though it doesn't seem like it, I think it's easier to know the truth and know where you stand than to be left in limbo. Now that you know what he has done and is continuing to do to you, you know the relationship is over and you can start working on coping and healing.

 

I am so so so sorry

[LoveB86]

2sunny- I sent a email afterwards with no hate after finding about the cheating. I wrote to him by letting him know that there will be no reflection of him from me. He is the one that hurt me and I Had to remind him of what I am about .. that i cared for him and love him and was honest to him. I wrote that email to leave the last impression that to remember I am the loving person out of this, 2 months, 3 years or 20 years from now, if he ever looked back he will remember that and realize how much of a douche he really is!! Because if I yelled at him and went off that would of justified his decision to break up with no doubt. During a breakup, dumpers only want to remember the bad sh*t! So when they don't respond back to ur txts or calls, leave them alone!!

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still sad but I am fighting my way to get over this BS!