"He says... I need time to myself"

[LostOne1]

2sunny- I sent a email afterwards with no hate after finding about the cheating. I wrote to him by letting him know that there will be no reflection of him from me. He is the one that hurt me and I Had to remind him of what I am about .. that i cared for him and love him and was honest to him. I wrote that email to leave the last impression that to remember I am the loving person out of this, 2 months, 3 years or 20 years from now, if he ever looked back he will remember that and realize how much of a douche he really is!! Because if I yelled at him and went off that would of justified his decision to break up with no doubt. During a breakup, dumpers only want to remember the bad sh*t! So when they don't respond back to ur txts or calls, leave them alone!!

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still sad but I am fighting my way to get over this BS!

I was where you were exactly.. and let me tell you NO EMAIL or ANYTHING will change anything or how he feels. If you send an email or contact him he will laugh at you. And on top of that you boost his ego and give him the power he has over you.

 

Take my advice, which I never took because I was too emotionally wrapped up. GO total NC and tell yourself if you contact him you will look weak like a cheap loser. It prevented me from contacting her and it's been about 7-8 months NC now and almost a year in our BU. I don't know what she is up to and honestly pretty much don't care.

 

I have an eye on a new girl, who seems really sweet and loving. And if my luck is good, I hope I get a chance with her. Because I am at the point of willing to start over and hope someone else won't cheat on me or throw me away for someone else.

 

I can't sit there and blame all women for one womans actions. But I know I can be happy and deserve to be happy. And no ex of mines will ever take that away from me.

[tuxedo cat]

Silence is the best revenge.

[Damsel in Distress]

He is trying to minimize what you were to him in front of your friend because he doesn't want to deal with the guilt of what he did. I can guarantee that if he truly felt you were "just a hangout" he would have had no problem facing you and ending things like a decent person. Instead, he hoped you would disappear into the sunset and he wouldn't have to deal with it.

 

I was where you were exactly.. and let me tell you NO EMAIL or ANYTHING will change anything or how he feels. If you send an email or contact him he will laugh at you. And on top of that you boost his ego and give him the power he has over you.

 

Take my advice, which I never took because I was too emotionally wrapped up. GO total NC and tell yourself if you contact him you will look weak like a cheap loser.

 

Silence is the best revenge.

 

So my ex completely disappeared after an ambiguous (to me, lol) breakup conversation, and then absolutely fell off the face of the earth - no presence whatsoever and the few times I tried to call before I learned about NC he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

I think one reason why he's refused to speak to me for 7 weeks is that he is in he honeymoon stage with the new girl, so probably has absolutely nothing to say to me. But I also know that he felt bad about hurting me , so I think he is avoiding me so so that he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. Almost like if he can avoid me, he doesn't have to be reminded that he hurt me. Similar to what Cogee said - they hope we just disappear.

 

So that's why I get mixed feelings sometimes about NC. In effect, by going NC, I disappeared into the sunset, he can imagine that I'm happy in my own life and he really didn't do any harm. So isn't that doing the dumper a favor? By graciously bowing out, he can just imagine everything is fine and dandy - I'm making it easy on him!

 

Part of me wants to give him little reminders that I exist so he can feel bad!

 

Where's the error in my thinking? (I know this isn't how it works, but in weak moments I want him to suffer from his actions!)

[LoveB86]

Silence is now in effect.. I am over it.. There were some things I did and I regret as the dumpee by calling him numerous times and so forth. but u live and u learn. I feel like i am slowly coming back to my normal life. I have so many people who love me as they know I have a big heart.

 

I make myself sad bc i think about the fun things we did and hes already doing that with her.

[Cogee]

So that's why I get mixed feelings sometimes about NC. In effect, by going NC, I disappeared into the sunset, he can imagine that I'm happy in my own life and he really didn't do any harm. So isn't that doing the dumper a favor? By graciously bowing out, he can just imagine everything is fine and dandy - I'm making it easy on him!

 

Part of me wants to give him little reminders that I exist so he can feel bad!

 

Where's the error in my thinking? (I know this isn't how it works, but in weak moments I want him to suffer from his actions!)

 

I think in the majority of cases where an ex has moved on to someone else, they will be genuinely happy to see you move on as well. Although he may have left you for someone else, and can't bear to tell you the truth, it doesn't mean he wants you to feel terrible.

 

He is a coward, and he hurt you. It feels unfair that he can be happy with someone else while you are in pain and healing. It just shows his weakness as an individual that he can't own up to reality. Having said that, because it is hard for him to face reality, it may also be hard for him to let go of it. In that sense, he will have a constant reminder of you in his life because the memory of how poorly he treated you won't disappear.

 

That's what guilt does to us. When you move on, you will move on. He will live with that guilt of lying for as long as he can remember it. You don't need to do anything for him to remember that.

[Damsel in Distress]

Find a quote that empowers you and say it to urself over n over.

 

And what is your quote? I'd love to hear

 

I got my closure and thats him cheating.

 

I hate that he cheated, but I do feel that it does give you the closure and the strength to close that chapter and move on. This man wasn't strong enough to give you closure at first, and you know how crazy it made you to wonder and hope and be afraid, etc etc etc. Being in limbo is hell. And from the way you are writing, I feel that finding out about his cheating, even though it hurts, has also made you strong. You are stronger than him and I wish you luck growing into your own independent life.

 

 

When they say they need space - Move the hell on because they might not be tellin you the truth. For me, he said that and was cheating behind my back.

 

I haven't been on this forum long, but already I've seen it happen over and over

 

I am officially skipping my way to happiness. Forget anyone else that didn't love me, well they keep can pass up on by me because I am gonna keep on walking.

 

This is what I was talking about - you are a strong woman!

[Damsel in Distress]

In that sense, he will have a constant reminder of you in his life because the memory of how poorly he treated you won't disappear.

 

That's what guilt does to us. When you move on, you will move on. He will live with that guilt of lying for as long as he can remember it. You don't need to do anything for him to remember that.

 

Cogee, wow, very insightful. That makes a lot of sense to me and it's exactly what I needed to hear. If I can just keep that in mind, I think it will make it a lot easier for me to cut ties (and block him on Facebook) and separate myself from him.

 

Thank you so much, Cogee.

[Cogee]

Cogee, wow, very insightful. That makes a lot of sense to me and it's exactly what I needed to hear. If I can just keep that in mind, I think it will make it a lot easier for me to cut ties (and block him on Facebook) and separate myself from him.

 

Thank you so much, Cogee.

 

It's all a work in progress. Don't worry about the finish line, just take it one step at a time. Eventually with enough steps you will arrive at your destination. I'm personally feeling a lot better these days and I think I am moving on. Thinking about others such as yourself and your situations gives me insight into my own, which helps me a lot.

 

It's funny that as I have improved myself and have started getting a clearer mind I've also encountered a possible new love brewing. Someone who has been right under my nose all this time that I've always enjoyed being around and talking with, but didn't take much notice of because I was in a relationship. The single goggles come out and it's like a new world full of possibilities!

[LoveB86]

I just want to thank you all for reading my story. Thank you for keeping up with me as I get thru this. I wish LS would have a meet n greet party in different states lol

 

You guys are awesome! Thank you for advice and opinions

[LoveB86]

I went out and bought me a few outfits.. The first time in a long time because I always seem to spend my money on him. Buying him breakfast, coffee, shirts when I go to the mall.. Ughh the wallet I bought him is his favorite. I hope it screams my name and pops up a picture of me on it while hes out with her

 

BTW, due to depression I am still struggling when eating. the food just does not go down however I lost 8lbs in a week and i am looking pretty good now. All that food him and I ate, i rarely felt confident. But now I feel better and have been dressing up more to boost my confidence up durin these moments and I like what I see. Give urself a new you !!

Edited April 11, 2013 by LoveB86

[Cogee]

That's totally normal LoveB! I lost about 10lbs before I started to get my appetite back. Your journey to healing from this break up begins and it will have it's ups and downs. Try to give yourself some time each day to do something for you and come here whenever you find yourself thinking or drifting into negative thoughts.

 

Several of us are experiencing the same things as you right now, so you are not alone! Keep us updated and let the sun bring in a new day.

[Damsel in Distress]

Funny, I also lost 10 pounds. I wonder if that's the typical breakup weight loss. After 10 pounds (and a few weeks of NC) my appetite started to return and I'm definitely not back to normal eating, but I'm past the point of having to force down a spoon of peanut butter because I hadn't eaten a bite all day.

 

It does get better Love. Sounds like you are doing all the things you need to do. Good to hear you buying some clothes and feeling good about yourself. Keep it up!

[LoveB86]

Thank you Damsel and Coagee a ton! I will still keep this blog up as I wanted to challenge my NC. So far day 2!

[LostOne1]

So my ex completely disappeared after an ambiguous (to me, lol) breakup conversation, and then absolutely fell off the face of the earth - no presence whatsoever and the few times I tried to call before I learned about NC he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

I think one reason why he's refused to speak to me for 7 weeks is that he is in he honeymoon stage with the new girl, so probably has absolutely nothing to say to me. But I also know that he felt bad about hurting me , so I think he is avoiding me so so that he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. Almost like if he can avoid me, he doesn't have to be reminded that he hurt me. Similar to what Cogee said - they hope we just disappear.

 

So that's why I get mixed feelings sometimes about NC. In effect, by going NC, I disappeared into the sunset, he can imagine that I'm happy in my own life and he really didn't do any harm. So isn't that doing the dumper a favor? By graciously bowing out, he can just imagine everything is fine and dandy - I'm making it easy on him!

 

Part of me wants to give him little reminders that I exist so he can feel bad!

 

Where's the error in my thinking? (I know this isn't how it works, but in weak moments I want him to suffer from his actions!)

So your okay if he sleeps around and takes you back after?

 

Face it my ex did the same and I'd NEVER take her back. I don't think it's fair my ex would be allowed to BU, get mad, sleep with another guy and then I'd take her back? LOL

 

I might have some loss of respect.. but my self respect is MUCH more than that... no way I would accept the ex back. She crossed the limit and once you cross that line.. there is NO going back.

 

So forget it all.. go NC and realize she crossed the limit.

[LostOne1]

Funny, I also lost 10 pounds. I wonder if that's the typical breakup weight loss. After 10 pounds (and a few weeks of NC) my appetite started to return and I'm definitely not back to normal eating, but I'm past the point of having to force down a spoon of peanut butter because I hadn't eaten a bite all day.

 

It does get better Love. Sounds like you are doing all the things you need to do. Good to hear you buying some clothes and feeling good about yourself. Keep it up!

It's normal I lost about 20, though my grandma passes away a month before my ex left me. So I guess that might be the reason why.... But yeah there is weight loss and I'd say after a year you will probably get it back. My apatite is back for sure, but my weight only increased by 5 pounds. Mind you I hit the gym 3 times a week too.

[LoveB86]

Wow guys,

 

I am having a major setback. Am so sad that he cheated, am mad that there was no apology because he is sooo into the new girl, and how happy they are knowing they was lies in forming this new relationship.

 

I feel so depressed bc I miss him. I miss who I thought he was. I hate that I feel the guilt for his actions. I feel the pain while he enjoying her, taking her out, wine and dine while I reminscence our once relationship from beginning to end.

 

Why why why I wish he would realize what he did and apologize with tears in his eyes so I can take him back!!!! Omg, I don't know why I do want him back! Its because its 5am and im on my way to work where I might see him and gf even though they work across the street. I was told by the employee parking lot attendant who I am cool with, he mentioned he knew something was odd because the guy and gf is being sneaky when theh get into each others cars. Who knows, they probably were going to lunch and then he goes with me!!

 

All the dirt comes out ! Finding out how badly he played technically us both but yet that doesnt matter bc she is in love with him now amd they are at honeymoon stage after a week!

 

Omg, My LS support team, please help me!! I am gonna cry my way to work now

[LoveB86]

BTW ,

 

That jittery nerves feeling is happening again. But I have to remind myself is the best revenge is biting that bullet everyday to work and never let them see me crying or sad bc they think they are in control. Ugh I can't do this, something has to happen. This isnt right and I didnt deserve what he did. Makes me sad to hear as well that he told his new gf that I called him numerous times as if they think I was crazy or mocking me. I regret what I did but atleast I havent called in 2 days. Of course i called because I was mad about the cheating. Ive been in NC for 2 days and I dont have a interest in calling him or texting him, but I wish somethin would happen like for his mind to trigger the pain he put me thru whether while dazed, a nightmare or somethin!!!

 

Dumpers living life huh! What kinda life is this? Why so some couples argue n be together for some years and I never argued with him and I get cheated on!!

[LoveB86]

Forget all this,

 

I have to get a new job. This is torture knowin theyre across the street at work messing around. The girl constantly is bothering him at work so much that one of the longtime employee told her to "dont ever come back to the department!" She is messing with this guy's livelihood (his $$$$) by talking to him at works for hours on the clock. That is one thing I respected and that is his work! If i see him, it was hi and bye bc I work down the street. She works in his same building and she juss so young (shes 24) and hes 28. I hear he isnt her type but she likes how he is buyin her things in the honeymoon stage. I hear she likes attention, like to date alot and make men buy her things.

 

Ugh I was never like that to him ever!!!!!!

[i.am]

Hi,

 

I'm going through a painful BU too. Sometimes I wonder the misery we're feeling now, is because we really love them too much to see them go or is it because we are so used to having them around (a habit), that we're feeling so miserable cause of the void.

[Cogee]

Now you are seeing what this guy truly was like. Disrespecting you and no doubt when the opportunity arises he will disrespect this other person too. Not only that, but even if he were ever to come back in tears apologizing you will forever have a doubt in your mind whether he is lying or not.

 

You will never be able to trust this man again. Look at how he betrayed your trust and the information you are finding out about his lies. He is acting unprofessional, cheating, lying, mocking, and completely heartless towards you. If another job is an option and you are comfortable with that then I'd say start looking.

 

However, do realize that you are at a very early stage of grieving so it's totally normal to feel this way. In time and with complete NC you may start to feel indifferent and capable of staying at this job.

Edited April 11, 2013 by Cogee

[LoveB86]

Coagee- You are absolutely right. What you said knocked some sense into me.

 

I just cannot believe I am goin thru. No wonder he said I didnt do anything wrong, ugh hes the one causing this effed up nonsense!!

[LoveB86]

He is working in my department today. First time Ive been around him since the lies and cheating he caused. I didn't look his way and ignore that jerk .

[SalientPoint]

Love, I can totally relate to your story. While reading it struck me how similar our personalities and BU sound. I'm so sorry it turned out to be someone else. This douche did you horribly dirty! But hopefully you will find someone better.

 

My gf basically pulled the disappearing act as well after a year, but of course AFTER I'd given up my lease and moved out of my fabulous apartment because we had planned that I was going to move in with her, and marriage ( on her side) was even being discussed. She always denied that there was anyone else involved, and I believed her because up until now she was the most honest, loyal, person I'd ever dated, but now I'm not so sure. Luckily I won't ever have to know, because I'm planning go to NC tomorrow, even if she did try to talk to me again. Even after all this, she refuses to actually break up with me, so she decided just to run away but leave me breadcrumbs when she feels like it without ever having to officially break up with me. I've got to start being strong now, but reading your story really helps me relate.

[itto ogami]

NO CONTACT is your best friend now. You have no greater ally and defender in your corner. And trust me, he will notice your absence. But it doesn't matter, because he is not WORTHY of your trust or affection. And it is better to find out now than later. Focus on yourself and something so much better will come to replace your ex, who was only in your way.

 

But seriously, stick to NO CONTACT. Nothing you can say will effect him more than you not engaging. His mind will be whirling at your radio silence.

 

And you will be moving on.

[LoveB86]

I am sorry for not replying to all those who left me advice. Thank you for your input, as everyday I read over and over of the advice that you all had given me. You are what helps me get thru the day. Thank u love shack members! I am tearing up, but without this board, I don't know how I would of got thru this.

 

So hard and my 2nd weekend without him. He cheated, he lied and some people had some suspicion about what he was doing to me at work like the employee lot attendant, but everyone keeps tellin me I have nothing to worry about and that I am too good for him! Things are slowly getting better but

i still miss him. I mad that he hurt me like this. He had been at NC since the last day he sent the text saying "he neede time away".

 

How can someone just ignore me, cowardly, heartlessly just shut me

off and he is in love with a new girl who is now his gf?

 

If he was so emotionally checked out, why he was still pursuing me and asking me to spend time with him if that girl was involved all this time???

 

I wonder what hes thinking?