Have breadcrumbs shown me the light? (small rant too)

[BrokenPrincess]

So xMM and I have moved into a LC relationship of sorts. However, this week we have barely talked, just a couple 1-2 sentence emails and that's it. Earlier this week he said he'd had a friend suddenly pass away. Not sure how close this friend was (he's never mentioned him), but haven't heard from him since then.

 

Due to some other things I know he has going on today & weekend with his family, I wouldnt anticipate hearing from him again until Monday at the very earliest. At first, I assumed the disappearing act was because he was busy helping his friend's family, which I would completely understand, but just wish he would've just said he was probably going to be out of commission. But then today it hit me, maybe that's not the case at all. Maybe he just really hasn't thought about me all week, which is why he's gone silent. Or who knows? Maybe he's just had second thoughts and has ended it without telling me?

 

So I don't know if this is normal, but this week has made me feel more over it than NC ever did! I'm alternating primarily between disinterest, irritation, disgust, and then a bit of hurt feelings.

 

Let’s review the situation here:

Him: Quickly approaching a significant age milestone. Very limited physical intimacy with wife. Marriage hasn’t been good for about 10 years. Kids are almost out of the house and he’s concerned how that’s even going to go without them to focus on.

 

Me: Younger OW. Common interests, careers, and sense of humor. Very strong physical attraction. Shower him with little gifts & compliments. Husband is very much still attracted to me. Marriage is decent. Wonderful family.

 

SO WHY THE HELL AM I MAKING IT SO EASY FOR HIM?

 

Will this feeling stick? Or is this just part of the roller coaster of being an OW? I swear, it's like a light bulb finally went off yesterday. I never felt like this before in our A. We had good communication and were both passionate about trying to see each other (or at least talk) as much as possible. Now....meh....

 

If he's not going to appreciate or desire spending time with me, then I think I need to re-claim my self-respect and take a step back here. And if he doesn't take a step closer, then it's his loss.

[whichwayisup]

It is a reality check for you and I'm glad that you are seeing things from a healthier angle. Use this to detach and make him less of a priority in your life. His life is busy now and hate to say it (though you know this) seems you aren't that high on his priority list.

 

Get busy and reconnect with your husband. Don't hope or wait to hear from him. Get busy LIVING your life!

[BrokenPrincess]

May I ask:

 

Why are you doing this to yourself.

 

What is the point of all of this?

 

What do you get out of this?

 

Well, I enjoy having him back in my life. I do care for him, he makes me laugh harder than anyone else, he's supportive, he mentors me with professional advice, and of course, I am attracted physically attracted to him. My life is pretty busy too and honestly, limited contact seemed like it was going to work out ok, while also not getting in too deep and not becoming my top priority like before. We live in different states, too, so it's pretty easy to keep contact minimal.

 

What do you want for you?

 

I don't know. I thought I was getting what I wanted--like 80% H, 20% MM. Things have actually been going really well with H, and I've also felt nice and mellow about the whole MM situation for the last month.

 

Superficially, I wish MM was tripping over himself trying to figure out when we can see each other and this week couldn't be further from that.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

it sounds like the nature of being in an OW for the most part anyway. I was feeling the same way yesterday. we had a week of tons of contact, a fantastic evening together last week.. i went out of town.. got texts saying how much loved me and missed me. then nothing for 4 days until I texted him Hi caused I missed him. only to get a simple hello and hope your trip was great. Like, he was my next door neighbor or something. But as soon as he WANTS or NEEDS the attention, or physical connection-- he'll come on strong again. But, that could be tomorrow or next week.

 

And knowing that.... its part of it. Accepting it... another. So- decide if you are okay with it and or decide that you aren't. I'm doing my best at still living my life like he isn't there and hoping I don't say 'how high' when he says jump.

 

But for you- you say your marriage is good-- then I don't get it... If anything it should be easier for you to accept the not talking because you have your H to "fall back" on (for lack of a better term...) so, really, what is it you want? Then decide if you can tolerate it.

[veryhappy]

He's using you to detach from you while attaching to the wife. Sort of what you are doing too, but you want more than LC. You had phone sex, talked for hours, he felt good, that itch disappeared, he likely got guilty and more determined to be nice to the wife. He'll come around once it starts itching again.

 

Do you want to stick around to see how you mean less and less? It seems like the answer is no. If you are happy with your h, be happy with that. You still don't get what you are risking.

[BrokenPrincess]

He's using you to detach from you while attaching to the wife. Sort of what you are doing too, but you want more than LC. You had phone sex, talked for hours, he felt good, that itch disappeared, he likely got guilty and more determined to be nice to the wife. He'll come around once it starts itching again.

 

Do you want to stick around to see how you mean less and less? It seems like the answer is no. If you are happy with your h, be happy with that. You still don't get what you are risking.

 

Hmm what does that mean--To use someone to detach from them? Kind of like weaning yourself off instead of cold turkey? It's been about a month now of this LC type thing and until now, it felt fine. (usually 1-2 quick emails/day, 1 phone call a week for 2-4hrs, and if it's a travel week, messaging at night for 2-3 hrs). I don't know, maybe that isn't as LC as I thought, now that I write it out.

 

Regardless, just feels kind of strange to have 3 days of NC for no apparent reason.

 

And no, I don't want to mean less to him. Quite the opposite. But if that's not he feels, I then I think I just need to step away.

[thefooloftheyear]

Hmm what does that mean--To use someone to detach from them? Kind of like weaning yourself off instead of cold turkey? It's been about a month now of this LC type thing and until now, it felt fine. (usually 1-2 quick emails/day, 1 phone call a week for 2-4hrs, and if it's a.

 

Sounds like hes weaning himself of you, or if you are willing to really just be available when he feels the need with NO effort on his part-then he would go for that. Who wouldn't frankly?

 

Its gonna be a rough road ahead, but it looks like your journey has begun. Consider yourself fortunate that your marriage is good enough so you arent going from the pan into the fire.,,

 

Wish you well....

 

TFOY

[whichwayisup]

I don't know. I thought I was getting what I wanted--like 80% H, 20% MM. Things have actually been going really well with H, and I've also felt nice and mellow about the whole MM situation for the last month.

 

How much of that 20% do you rely on to make yourself feel good and happy? Doesn't seem like much, little crumbs, all for what? Give that some thought...

 

You could very easily find that 20% elsewhere. Friends (women), hobbies, time for just 'you'.

 

I guess I don't understand if things are much better between you and your H, why even bother with (ex)MM? Or are things better because (ex)MM is back in your life and he makes you feel more settled and at peace, having that bit of contact (ego and addiction feed) so you can function well with your husband? Give that some thought too...

[BrokenPrincess]

Or are things better because (ex)MM is back in your life and he makes you feel more settled and at peace, having that bit of contact (ego and addiction feed) so you can function well with your husband? Give that some thought too...

 

YES BINGO! Wow, didn't even realize it but YES, I think that is a big part of it. While we were NC, I felt like I was constantly processing the end of the A, constantly obsessing about what xMM was doing, thinking, etc.

 

Then, since he's been back, it's almost like a relief. It's not this awful black cloud feeling that I will NEVER, EVER talk to him again. Now the loose link is there and it's comforting that we have a place where we can just check in with each other.

 

So I don't know...maybe this is the crossroads...Maybe we're both weaning ourselves off and this is the beginning of the end? Maybe it HAS ended and he just hasn't told me? Maybe he's just been super busy?

 

But the way I feel now is just letting it ride. I feel ambivalent. I'm not doing to make any effort to figure out a visit or offer up my available phone times. I'm haven't and do not plan to respond to the message he sent on Tuesday. When and if I hear from him again, we'll see what he says.

[ThatJustHappened]

And your husband and his wife are ok with the two of you communicating?

[Decorative]

And your husband and his wife are ok with the two of you communicating?

 

If I recall correctly- both betrayed spouses are in the dark.

[whichwayisup]

YES BINGO! Wow, didn't even realize it but YES, I think that is a big part of it. While we were NC, I felt like I was constantly processing the end of the A, constantly obsessing about what xMM was doing, thinking, etc.

Then, since he's been back, it's almost like a relief. It's not this awful black cloud feeling that I will NEVER, EVER talk to him again. Now the loose link is there and it's comforting that we have a place where we can just check in with each other.

 

So I don't know...maybe this is the crossroads...Maybe we're both weaning ourselves off and this is the beginning of the end? Maybe it HAS ended and he just hasn't told me? Maybe he's just been super busy?

 

But the way I feel now is just letting it ride. I feel ambivalent. I'm not doing to make any effort to figure out a visit or offer up my available phone times. I'm haven't and do not plan to respond to the message he sent on Tuesday. When and if I hear from him again, we'll see what he says.

 

Then you do not know if things are back to being better with your husband because much of your emotions and heart are tied into the MM. It's a false reality BP. Dangerous, so dangerous..If your MM decides that's it, it's over, you're gonna fall big time and your marriage will fall apart even more.

 

Honestly, you need to end your A and truly give your marriage and husband a real shot at working with absolute NC with (ex)MM.

 

Your A hasn't ended. You feed his ego as well and the thing is, he IS able to separate his A from his marriage. He is very capable of putting you out of his head and living life with his wife and family. You aren't able to do that as it seems he's on your mind A LOT.

 

I think you should end your A and really reconnect with your H. Give it your best. If it doesn't work, then divorce. THEN pursue MM, either as an A again or with someone else. or be alone. MM is not leaving and divorcing his wife.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thanks WWIU. Your post makes perfect sense...I feel like its actually exactly how I myself would advise a friend. I don't know why it's so effing hard to do it myself.

 

I DO think about MM a lot, but I also feel like in general, I overthink and over analyze everything in my life. For many many years I suffered from terrible insomnia because my mind would just be spinning all night long, often to the point of major anxiety. And I've never been good at breakups. Before my H, I would keep trying & trying to salvage relationships that really should've ended, and even still, in the aftermath, it took me a couple years to get over both serious relationships prior to H.

 

I'm just usually all in, and now here I am, basically unable to give my M that same 110% because I've found an easier escape with MM. Except now he's possibly ended it without telling me, so I'm struggling to start detoxing from this breakup without being able to tell anyone.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling...my indifference seemed to have cracked overnight because today I woke up pissed, then worried that maybe something happened, then just HURT. Secret tears have been pouring all morning.

 

I'm trying to embrace them and let it out and maybe I will be able to start healing again. Why doesn't he care about me anymore?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks WWIU. Your post makes perfect sense...I feel like its actually exactly how I myself would advise a friend. I don't know why it's so effing hard to do it myself.

That's because everybody knows it's easier to give advice rather than taking it. Plus, you're in the midst of it and it's really hard to separate emotions and what you believe/want to believe to what is actually going on, the reality of it all.

 

When you've had enough, you'll end it. Question is, when will that be?! Time will tell.

 

I DO think about MM a lot, but I also feel like in general, I overthink and over analyze everything in my life. For many many years I suffered from terrible insomnia because my mind would just be spinning all night long, often to the point of major anxiety. And I've never been good at breakups. Before my H, I would keep trying & trying to salvage relationships that really should've ended, and even still, in the aftermath, it took me a couple years to get over both serious relationships prior to H.

 

Yes, us ladies over think anything and everything. Fact! It's just how we're wired.

 

I'm just usually all in, and now here I am, basically unable to give my M that same 110% because I've found an easier escape with MM. Except now he's possibly ended it without telling me, so I'm struggling to start detoxing from this breakup without being able to tell anyone.

 

So you need to decide soon, who is it you want. Can't have both.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling...my indifference seemed to have cracked overnight because today I woke up pissed, then worried that maybe something happened, then just HURT. Secret tears have been pouring all morning.

Don't be sorry for being honest! Go with it, if you feel like crying, cry. It'll help release bottled up emotions and also help you detach a little, maybe see things a bit more clearly. PM me if you want to. One of my friends recently just had a huge break up (single relationship, no affair) and she's all over the map right now. I've told her dont' hold anything in, let it out because it'll just help in the long run. Deal with it head on.

I'm trying to embrace them and let it out and maybe I will be able to start healing again. Why doesn't he care about me anymore?

It's not that he doesn't care about you anymore, he's just chosen to primarily focus on his wife and kids, he's put them first, as should you with your H and family. Get BUSY baby! Really busy and focus on more important people in your life. Make him less important.

[RickFox]

YES BINGO! Wow, didn't even realize it but YES, I think that is a big part of it. While we were NC, I felt like I was constantly processing the end of the A, constantly obsessing about what xMM was doing, thinking, etc.

 

Then, since he's been back, it's almost like a relief. It's not this awful black cloud feeling that I will NEVER, EVER talk to him again. Now the loose link is there and it's comforting that we have a place where we can just check in with each other.

 

So I don't know...maybe this is the crossroads...Maybe we're both weaning ourselves off and this is the beginning of the end? Maybe it HAS ended and he just hasn't told me? Maybe he's just been super busy?

 

But the way I feel now is just letting it ride. I feel ambivalent. I'm not doing to make any effort to figure out a visit or offer up my available phone times. I'm haven't and do not plan to respond to the message he sent on Tuesday. When and if I hear from him again, we'll see what he says.

 

If you had given it time then those feelings of wonder would have subsided, but like the crack addict, you needed your fix and now that you've gotten it, you feel at ease. Until he screws you over again and leaves you begging for that next hit.

 

You aren't over it, not indifferent, you think you're fine because you've been in LC, getting your fix by some contact or what have you and now the longer you go the more angry and confused you will become.

 

You're on the roller coaster ride to emotional terror/sadness.

[BrokenPrincess]

Did you ask your counselor why you want to be loved so much?

 

It seems the IC did not help at all.

 

Ha the counselor basically told me I had a choice to make and that its in the best interest of my family to figure it out with my H. She didn't press me on anything and I felt like she was way too easy on me. It's like she was TOO in my corner and supportive, and given my choices as of late, I don't think I deserved it. If I'm going to continue IC, I think I need to find someone a little more challenging.

 

I want to be loved because I live everyday with someone who gives no affection and virtually no emotional intimacy.

[BrokenPrincess]

You aren't over it, not indifferent, you think you're fine because you've been in LC, getting your fix by some contact or what have you and now the longer you go the more angry and confused you will become.

 

You're on the roller coaster ride to emotional terror/sadness.

 

So when will a day come that I don't think about him??

 

Todays ride has gone from a morning of depression and anger to an afternoon of fear & paranoia that his W found our secret email. Because I think my mind thinks that rationale, even with the more horrific implications, hurts less than thinking he's ended it as a silent coward gathering strength to possibly drop a bomb on me after a weekend of fun with his family.

 

This silence is bull$hit is awful.

[awkward]

Broken Princess - I doubt it is a D-day. Isn't it possible that he is just living his life? Just like you used to do before him? He will make contact when he is ready to. Get off the rollercoaster.

[thefooloftheyear]

So when will a day come that I don't think about him??

 

Todays ride has gone from a morning of depression and anger to an afternoon of fear & paranoia that his W found our secret email. Because I think my mind thinks that rationale, even with the more horrific implications, hurts less than thinking he's ended it as a silent coward gathering strength to possibly drop a bomb on me after a weekend of fun with his family.

 

This silence is bull$hit is awful.

 

Prepare for the ride of your life. I hate to say this, if this IS the end, its going to get really bad in a couple of months. Everyone is different, but you read some of the stories on here of OW/OM still yearning/struggling for YEARS.

 

And you are correct, the silence is absolutely the worst.

 

I think the difference with these types of affairs is that unlike a single person, who can put themselves back "on the block" so to speak, the AP are left to go back to marriages that might not be ideal. And now, you wind up comparing BS to the Mr/Ms. "wonderful", which can be difficult.

 

Some, I do hear, find strength to rebuild their marriages to better than before, but I gotta believe that would take a mountain of rebuilding and such.

 

As for him being a coward by not contacting you, you might look back and realize that he did you a favor- if it wasnt going to end up the way you wanted it to in the long run.. Continuing contact when there will never be the "prize", well, its like pouring water into a sieve.

 

I feel for you. BP..Trust me you arent alone..

 

TFOY

Edited April 6, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[BrokenPrincess]

Thank you everyone for kind, logical advice.

After DDay, I did have a lot of what-ifs, wishing I would've told him how I felt all along, wondering if he felt the same. Then we reconnected, I took my opportunity and told him. And even if he does/did feel the same, it doesn't change the fact that we have complete families & lives built with our spouses. He didn't throw me under the bus after DDay, but his W still doesn't know the extent of the A, and my H is completely in the dark. So I would hope if he did have a second DDay, he would alert me somehow, even if just to save his own butt if his W is looking for the real story, you know?

 

I just never would have imagined that he would be someone to just disappear or leave me hanging like this for a week. If its over because of DDay or guilt or whatever, just man up & respect me enough to tell me.

 

I feel so stupid right now. And hurt and used and embarrassed and worthless.