1st time being cheated on that i know of. worst day of my life. biggest deception

[Kate]

how do i begin. i have met and been with one of life's most ugly, scary monsters. from the depths of hell. after some researching and a NAGGING NAGGING gut instinct that has been haunting me for months, i found out yesterday of at least 2 other women he has carried out a relationship since day 1 with me. this male -- so INNOCENT looking, so reserved...so HONEST seeming. he is disgusting. i contact the 1 st poor girl and she showed up at my house vomiting. vomiting. she had fallen in love with him. he has been sleeping with both of us now, sometimes the same exact day. no condom. sick, predator. i am at a severe loss for words. i never would have imagined this, even if someone told me. he is the best liar i have ever ever come across.

 

we showed up at his house, poured paint all over his car and practically broke down the door trying to get in. the coward was cowering in his room. we even hid in the basement, hoping he would come out. he didn't. he filed a police report against me. the nerve -- after all of the PAIN. i mean, you guys have been following my posts. my sincerety. my whole-hearted approach. his "time and space" WAS clearly to get out of the woods for a while and sample the goods. you could never understand the straight-faced lies he has told me. how can i put this on paper? words can't describe. they can't describe the depths of my pain and suffering.

 

he is not human. he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. he does not care and never has. he put my freaking health at risk. before him, i was fine...now, who knows. HOW could he do this? HOW does an actual human being look you in the eye...tell you they LOVE you...smile...and say that things will never end? how do they get that kind of trust from you? how could i know? i thought the eyes always told the truth. they lied to me the whole time. i am so broken right now. help.

[Papillon]

And so you pour paint over his car? How mature

 

Congratulations on lowering yourself to his level.

[EC]

i thought the eyes always told the truth.

 

Lol oh yeah I thought that too....till I realized I what I was seeing in his eyes was my love for him. I saw what I wanted to see not what was really there.

 

lol and about the paint pap even I have had the urge to poor paint thinner on my ex's car after i found out he cheated.

 

It was seriously the one of the worst pains that I have encountered and I was thinking right I just wanted to "Get him" I wanted him to feel something for what he did(that little cold blooded jerk) but I am ok now and I never went through with it because I couldn't find paint at the moment.

 

Kate girl what can I say. I've been through it, my friends have gone through it, and a lot of girls here on LS have been through it. It hurts and it stings and you wonder why? How? When? Then you hate him and want to kill him....then you love him and no one will ever be like him...then you hate him again...A cycle. And you'll go through it for a while till you realize that yes he is a LIAR and a CHEATER and you deserve better and all those good things about him you liked were not him you have to remember they were all LIES to you.

 

It hurts but you need to just turn around and not look back. He's a jerk and he thought he was slick untill you caught his a**!

 

Its going to hurt but you have to be strong and know its really not the end of the world. But don't do anything else that will get you arrested or anything lol trust me.

[Papillon]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

lol and about the paint pap even I have had the urge to poor paint thinner on my ex's car after i found out he cheated.

 

There's a difference between having the urge to do something, and having the self control to keep a level head. Her cheating no-good ex couldn't control himself, and evidently neither can she.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Papillon

There's a difference between having the urge to do something, and having the self control to keep a level head. Her cheating no-good ex couldn't control himself, and evidently neither can she.

Maybe she´s young and there was this other girl, too. That might have been reinforcing to do something to him. Double pain.

[NatoPMT]

Oh kate, I am sorry. One thing I must say is that he wasn’t that good a liar, if you thought he was everything you said, honest, innocent (noone is that), reserved etc then you picked up on something to have the gut instinct. You can trust people and you can believe in yourself, just if it does ever happen again then you must walk away and leave it behind you the moment your unease kicks in, don’t let this take over your life.

 

Regarding you going to his house - He had every right to call the police, your behaviour was completely outrageous and I would have called the police too, and Id have pressed charges. Him seeing other girls does not give you the right to vandalise his car, harass him and hide in his cellar. You are an adult, take responsibility for yourself and walk away from this immediately - its not his fault you are behaving like this - its yours. Why do you think he’s got a nerve to call the police? If a married woman has an affair, her husband commits a crime if he responds by hitting her, why should your intimidation of him be any different? You must end this now, seek some help and express your feelings in a more positive fashion, if you don’t you’ll end up with a criminal record.

 

BB

[Papillon]

Double the stupidity, you mean?

 

Hang on, it's triple the stupidity, with him hiding in the house

[tokyo]

One human being is smart, many human beings are sheep (I *know* "two" is not many, but still...)

I didn´t say it was smart and I wouldn´t do it either. I would beat him up.

[Butchey]

The best thing you can do is stay as far away from him as possible. He used you and you need to get your life back. It will take time but you will survive and be happier someday. And, look into therapy, it works.

[EC]

LOL Double pain. Thats true You might have the "urge" to do it but won't if your alone but if you have your road dog next to you you more inclined lol.

 

I thought about it and my friend was already dressed in black just waiting for my thumbs up. Man you have to love those crazy friends. lol

 

Triple stupidity. lol

 

The only dumb one would be the one that stayed with this dummy after all of this.

 

I can just hear him now

 

 

"Baby I was hiding in the basement alone..thinking about you...I love you soo much that other girl doesn't mean anything to me thats why I stayed in the basement to prove to you.."

 

 

Guys are so dumb

[Papillon]

Yeah, the dumbass. If chicks come within a mile of my car with colour that you can apply, even if it's ****ing rouge, I'd be out of that house kicking chick ass all over the place.

 

(Just kidding, I'd never lay a finger on a woman.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(That's what leather belts are for)

[midori]

Joking exchanges can be delivered via p.m. This is a serious thread started by someone who would like feedback for her problem, so please keep discussion focused on Kate's situation.

[prinkle]

hi there new to this but hey yeah get back on kates problem..look hun im going through the same thing at the moment found out last week the loving most best man in the world my rat of a husband has been having an affair for the last 2 months he too came homee gave the crap of i love you we will never be apart and so on...but my gut instinct told me something was up...and a good friend of mine told me always to trust that insticnt...he only spit with her coz i found out he thought it was going all ok i was a little happy wifey at home and he was having his cake and eat it ..how wrong he was i have never felt so damn lonely in all my life he has admittid to loving this women and she loves him..but says he wants to stay with me infact he womt leave me alone he is kinda at his mums at the mo but keeps coming back he says he wants it to be back in the old days but that will never be the same one it was 9 years ago two he well and truly messed that up for me...not sure what is going to happen but i will be strong not only for my 3 ypung children but for me..tonight i start my first kickboxing class so wish me luck...hope things get better for you hunny

[JoL]

You poor girl..

 

The worst thing about this situation? I think you are going to have a very verrrry hard time trusting men again. He has basically ruined it for any fantastic, loving, caring man you WILL meet eventually.

 

He is a bastard, clean and simple.

 

Vandalism and threats will only get you into trouble though...

 

find another way of expressing your anger at him. Write him an email/letter explaining how much you hate him...tell him how you feel to his face, don't let him think his behaviour is ok by any means! Just please dont get yourself into legal trouble- you will end up looking like the bad guy.

[SoleMate]

tonight i start my first kickboxing class

Very smart move! Kickboxing will keep you sane while you go through this pain. Just make sure to learn how to put the power into your punches and kicks. It feels so good.

[Kate]

yeah thanks everyone. in retrospect, i would not have done the paint. it was immature, but now i know why people kill over this stuff. when there is so much emotion, sometimes you lose your rationalle. i am only human. i can't express my hurt and anger in words. there just aren't enough or the right ones.

 

i think it's so sick how i pined and pained over this jerk. everyday, i thought it was about him and me only. i believed everything he said to me, all the way up to the point that i called that other girl. i had to watch her vomit on my floor. she was hysterical. he did the saaaaaame thing to her. had her believing everything, met her family, asked her for a relationship countless times. he LIED to me. "i don't want a relationship with ANYONE...i just want to be ALONE". liar. i put him on a huuuge huge pedastal. it was all smoke and mirrors.

 

the hardest part for me will be to know when this happens again. i dont know who to trust. i thought he was the most honest and sincere person on the planet. you guys, i'm telling you, you would NEVVVER know it. never know he was like this. the fact that he was alllways on his phone though....i found that to be quite odd indeed. always looking at it and checking it.

 

i am perplexed as to what a weak person he is. how sad must one be to NEED 2 or 3 girls at a time? he was calling one right after the other. we matched up dates and times. he slept with us in the same day. he was a father's dream for a daughter on the outside. such a "quality nice guy". funny enough , he is empty as all hell. turns out his ex left HIM -- after he was living off of her, his phone account is in HER name, he always pays in cash, claims to have no credit card, etc. he told this other girl that he graduated from college with a marketing degree. he never even attempted college. he is a broke painter who lives with 21 year old recent college grads. his car is a piece of crap. he's not even more than average looking!!!

 

what makes a person turn into this kind of a monster, anyway? did something really really bad happen to him in life? how could he have had it so bad that he would do this to others?

 

the other hardest part for me is thinking back to all of the good times we had, KNOWING he was with other girls at the sammmme time. all the times we did things, he was sleeping unprotected with other girls, securing a sure thing and smiling at me innocently. he freaked at the thought of being left by a girl. the other girl said that when she wouldn't call him back, he would bombard her with text messages. then, once he got her....he didn't care. everything is a sick conquest for him and he should be shot in the penis and scrotum. i hope he never ever gets to use it again. i really do.

 

this person has taken so much from me, but nothing i can't regain in time. i feel totally numb right now and want nothing to do with men anymore. i don't know how long that will go on for. i don't know how to get over this PAIn. pain of knowing someone would get inside of me, my heart, my head and my family and environment, and lie cheat and steal.

[EC]

OOOh Kate wow you were me lets say 3 years ago.

 

I didn't even begin dating until a year ago.

 

I had the same thing happen to me.

 

Except she didn't vomit on my floor. .... But It hurts, you cry, you hate men, you want to die, you never want to trust another guy again, all men are dogs, yada yada yada...

 

What your about to go through I would not wish onto my worst enemy. But you know what take it from me....time will heal everything..your going to have to go through a bunch of idiots along the way...and just when you think it cannot get any worse...it does....

 

But then it gets better and you trust again and you fall in love again. trust me.

 

But right now just stay away form him even if he tries to contact you. He will probably call to keep one of you but be smarter than that. He is trash and you deserve better.

 

Take this experience and become a stronger smarter woman.

[julsfla]

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Kate~ I know the pain you feel and it is horrible! I could not get up off the floor! I dont know of anything that helps but time and talk, talk, talk! This is a great place to be! I found it after finding out my husband cheated on me, and knowing that people DO get through it and have felt the same thing I do made it bearable!I am so thankful for loveshack, it really helped me! Also, I talked my friends ears off and owe them all many hours of listening!

 

Good Luck to you sweetie!

[sid3]

I'm thinking your finding out about what was really going on is the best thing that could have happened for you.Sucks as it may. I see you've been posting again like you said, your a**hole ex would have kept you exactly where you've been for months. I only read a little of your posts, but it was reminiscent of those from months ago. I'm amazed with the struggled you had with yourself over someone you knew didn't deserve you.He knew you weren't going to give up, and he'd just of kept on taking.

It would probably do you good to take at least the next six months to heal and focus on you and your career before having another relationship.That's where I'm at. I can honestly say, I just about have life by the ba**s now.After all the hurt my ex put me through, I think I am exactly where I should be. It's all about me for right now. I think posting here everyday kept me in the box of hurt and pain. This website helped me at first, but ultimately I helped myself. It may take awhile, but as you know, you'll be happy again. The next guy your with may be everything your looking for, don't let your ex ruin that by killing your trust in everybody. Life is too short for that, although it hurts as it does, you won't be wasting anymore of yourself on your ex. It's a really good thing. Dam girl the VMAS, that rocks. Hope life starts treating you better...............Sid

[babybear]

Hi Kate,

I feel your pain! I think a lot of us on here have...and it's the WORST kind of pain in the world. I was so cynical afterwards...and its like they do something but the effects stay with you for a loooong time. It's unfair, it really is. About the paint...I didnt do that, but I broke things he gave me, tore up pics, etc....so I understand the destructive part. It's a lot to deal with. Give yourself some time and space. I cut all contact for awhile...no phone calls, no in person meetings. He was allowed to email me if it was urgent...but stay away b/c I knew he would just tell me he loved me, and I might believe it again!

 

It will get better in time. It's been a yr for me now, and I still get mad! But it does get better!

 

Bb

[Kate]

overall i feel so much more like myself again. i am so glad he is out of my life. i was waiting for closure, now i sort of have it. at least, i can go on with my life knowing i did nothing wrong, which was my main emotional fear before. my self-confidence was so broken down because i was constantly questioning myself. there was nothing clear, everything was a big fog.

 

this has been a complete and utter shock for me. i still can't believe it. i have found out a lot more that i can't post in detail here, but to make a long story short, i have found that on certain days he was talking to me, another girl, his ex, and other people. he would hang up, talk to the next person. i can't believe how needy, lonely and pathetic he is. i think that he may be severely depressed, and therefore looks for anything around him to fill him up. he got the best of the best -- the other girl has now become a friend of mine, and it's not even out of weakness because he is not the only thing we have in common. she is a great, clean girl, who always took care of herself sexually -- and now she is afraid as well. if he had the nerve to hook up with us in the same day, who knows who else he was randomly sleeping with. i thought i knew everything about him. since i myself could never imagine sleeping with more than one person at the same time, i could never imagine someone else doing the same. EVER. i just can't even fathom how you would be able to seperate the 2 people, or 3 or whatever else. he would have her in his bed one night, me in it the next. he would have sex with her during the day in his car, and me at night somewhere else. i am so disgusted. the funny thing is, talking to this other girl has really helped both of us with unanswered and curious questions. and it doesn't make me feel worse to talk about things either. even personal things.

 

he completely clings to ANY female that will pay him attention. he is so hungry for attention and affection and love.....it is quite sick, in fact. his family situaton is totally screwed up, his mom was never really around much and his dad left when he was 5. he had a sh.itty stepfather who was a nice guy, but a total bum. i don't think anyone ever gave him structure, responsibilty or enough love. somewhere along the lines he developed this horribly quiet, monotone personallity that masks a sea of terror and fear that he must live in. how else can you explain him getting soooooooo close emotionally and physically with 3 women? i'm telling you, it was like he was totally in love with me every time he looked in my eyes. that is what made things SO confusing.

 

i have learned SO much and do not feel cynical towards men at all. now i just know what to look for. i know that distant behavior and confusing feelings are a total red flag. i will not have to much patience, because people never change. what you get from them in the first month is what you will get forever -- as far as gratitude, morale and sincerity is concerned. the basics don't ever change. i should have known from the beginning that he is a lazy and empty. he is like this big empty box. i dont know what he spends his money on, but he is flat broke. he bounces checks and is in serious debt -- from what, i dont know -- he never attempted college!!

 

i have met some pathological liars in my lifetime, but none like this one. this has by far been the biggest deceipt i have ever met. the biggest. he is truly suffering inside, i do not need to wish for anything more. he is obviously miserable. and he deserves to be, as he has a heart of stone. it doesn't beat, move, feel.....it is frozen forever. he is self-centered and sick.

 

the only thing left i have to clear up is my health. i am desperately hoping i am clean. i am scared to death. just because we live in a wealthy, waspy community means NOTHING. i am scared that he hooked up with a million women that he did "work" for -- like painting houses and stuff. what if he was with some gross housewife who thought he was innocent?? every fear imaginable runs through m y head. what about the last 10 years -- who has he been with? i have to say in my own defense, i have usually grilled men before sleeping with them -- the whole big handful that there has even been!! he was my friend for several years first. i really trusted him. i thought he told me everything. i will never ever get intimate again without some serious knowledge. just not worth it. i dont want something i can't wash off, and i am so afraid right now.

 

as far as the police report goes (he texted me saying he filed one) i actually called the police dept. and asked them if one was filed. they said they couldn't look up names, but if one was, then i would have been contacted already. it has been over 3 days now. also, he lives right over the border in a crazy dangerous city -- i doubt that water-based paint and a dented door are going to be top priority. i would never do that now, it was the instant i found out that i went nuts. i dont care who says it was crazy and immature, they were not in my position. it was a human reaction and it was mine. at least that is seemingly out of the way....i still get scared that a cop will show up at my house.

 

so that's my story. even though no one cares, i'm going to post when my health checks out ok. please say a prayer for me, i really need it.

[prinkle]

thanks for the good advice...im not going to see this women she is not worth the energy i shall but all my energy into me...i really enjoyed my kickboxing class shall deff keep it up..time for me time i think....who knows what will happen with my marriage one day at a time...

[kerrie71]

Kate - I care! I'm saying a prayer for your well-being, both physical and emotional. I hope it all turns out okay for you.

 

xoxo - Kerrie

[savethedrama4allama]

Yes we definitely care! Please keep us posted!

 

That is great that you at least made a friend out of this. You were both duped by this a**h***, and the best revenge is getting through it together instead of fighting with one another over him.

[Kate]

although i'm still thinking about it almost constantly, i laugh, shine and am so happy to have him out of my life. all he did was make me confused and miserable anyway!!

 

the other girl has become a friend of mine and i am trying to keep her strong -- but i think the initial shock for her is still wearing off day by day. but i see a change in her too. she is only a little bit younger than me, and i just want her to REALIZE what a loser he is. that means forgetting about all the hurt and pain, etc.

 

so anyway, retrospect has really been a gift for me. i heard that last night he was out at the usual college bar -- mind you, he is almost 27!! and never even WENT to college (though he tells people he has!). i can't believe how pathetic and desperate he is....he is obviously SO desperate and weak, you would think after someting like this that he wouldn't even want to be around town where people know him and his shennanigans. however he is a great liar, so why not. of course, his best friends are all 21 and 22. so it makes sense -- he is their hero, "the man" who hurt 2 great smart, pretty women.

 

big deal, if hurting and lying to girls makes him the man, then the people who think so are trash too. i don't know any normal guy who respect the fact that he did that. how weak can you be to not even FACE the girls you did that too?? he is cowering in his little life with his little friends in the little town that he will live and die in and never leave.

 

i feel so excited about my life right now. i just signed papers for a new condo and am doing much better with my job even in 5 days. when something like this happens, the good person ALWAYS comes out on top. that is what i am trying to show the other girl invovled here. i don't think she can see it yet, but hopefully in my company she will start to. i know i am a powerful person, i just let a total liar drain me. that's what liars do, though!! it's not like i lost myself with a "good" guy. i would probably feel worse if i genuinely and honestly lost myself. now i realize i never truly did, just on the surface. my character and charisma were there all along, they were just stolen and drained by a very weak person.

 

i realize how much he thrives on strong, fun women. the other girl is similar to me in many ways. we are funloving, strong and happy people. but after only a short time dating this guy, we both started suffering from the same ailments -- nervousness, anxiety and depression. she experienced the same symptoms as me and didn't know why. we started out on top of the world...and slowly, he sucked it out of us...until we were questioning who we were, why we felt a certain way, etc. he stole our energy and power and used it to fuel his empty ego. but, now we have it back. he is without. and i love the fact that now he is on a quest to find what he has lost forever. he has to answer to God only, and God will never be that kind to give him what he had before -- the way i see it, God gave him both of us and took us away from him to show him what a horrible person he is, how inhumane and selfish he is. in a way, i think God punished him more than he did me or the other girl -- because he showed US what we HAVE, and he showed HIM what he NEVER had and falsely tried to get. goodness and God will always prevail and in this case i am happy to say that i KNOW i will be even STRONGER from this. i will never falter again.