1st time being cheated on that i know of. worst day of my life. biggest deception

[prinkle]

well the kickboxing was great..i really enjoyed it and for a couple of hours i was free never had a care in the world just totally concentrating on meself for the first time in a very long time lets hope it lasts i will do this and go all the way with it ..chin up peeps i see a light at the end of the tunnell

[Kate]

i'm just feeling burned today. overall i feel "ok" but i dread running into him. i wish he would just rot and leave the earth. i still cant get over the deception. do this make him feel like a man?? what was going through his head to make him feel it was ok? did he EVER care for me? he doesn't even know it, he's like a leech. clinging to anything safe and warm. like me. like the other women. but why me??

 

i feel like he is evil, like he wants me to hurt and doesn't even care. like he planned this all along, perhaps. i believed him, i had faith in him. i know he is not a real man and that i will only heal when i meet a really good one. i can help heal myself in the meantime, but i just feel so used and tossed aside. i feel he made a fool of me -- but to a smart person, he really made a fool of himself.

 

does he even question his actions? he doesn't feel -- he is a sociopath. he looks you dead in the eye and lies. he is eeeeerily calm and collected and can tell you anything to your face. if you question him too much, he will leave the room and blame you.

 

i feel like i was such a fool. a trusting fool. and he took so much from me, and now he is laughing about it, bragging about it, saying "that stupid b*&%&" or whatever else. he thinks he is the man because he dated and screwed over a hot smart girl and then repeated the process with someone else. why didn't he care if someone got pregnant? or a horrible disease?

 

my question is, do these people EVER get what is deserving to them? do they EVER feel remorse? does life EVER kick them? i wish he would commit suicide. at this point that is the only thing that would leave me at peace. that sounds horrible, but this guy is a big waste of space. he is not what he seemed. he seemed so interested, honest and terribly attentive -- that is why we fell for him ...he always LISTENED. except he listened for his own good. he listened so that he could twist and turn things and make us weaker.

 

why do you think he did this in the first place?? i mean, i am the best he could ever get, why the hell would he go and do what he did?? i think because he knew he was worth nothing in the first place. he knew he could never compare to me or the other girl in a real relationship, so he might as well get what he could. the stupid thing is, we all live in the same town and see eachother out. i haven't seen him yet and don't want to for a while. i'm sure he is scared to see me. i think he has been on a drinking binge lately anyway -- for someone who is 27, broke and a painter with no college degreee, that is a pretty sad existence if you ask me. it just pisses me off that he made such a fool of me in front of his roommates and anyone else who watched as he cheated and lied. but he probably lied to them, too. probably told them i was a stalker or something.

 

how do i let this go?? it has been helpful making friends with the other girl, because now i can really see he is a piece of **** who used us both when we are both CLEARLY out of his league to begin with. how do i let this go? i think he knew he could never carry on an honest relationshp with EITHER of us, or anyone else, because he has nothiing to give. the only bait we ever took was his mysteriousness.....that we thought was genuine. we thought that WE were the weak ones!!

 

i hope he rots in hell and never dates or feels again. i just wish he'd die today.

[Gala]

Kate -- I saw many of your posts in early July, when I was first contending with my own NC situation...what a horrible shock for you!! It seemed to me back then that you were head and shoulders above this guy, and it was hard to tell what was compelling about him for you. Regardless, the two-timing thing floored me! What a creep! At least you've been able to commiserate with the other woman...I think that just doesn't happen often enough! And no, pouring paint on his car was neither legal nor mature, but it probably felt pretty darned good in the moment...I would not allow myself to get to the point of damaging or destroying another's property, but I can't say I don't enjoy that scene in "Waiting to Exhale" when Angela Bassett throws a match onto her ex's possessions after she's piled them in the driveway...

 

Karmic payback does happen, and especially when someone's behaved that badly. The best example I know of: a friend of mine from college had lived with another friend from college for 6 years, and they were all but engaged. The relationship was pretty insular, and the guy had encouraged a high level of dependency from his girlfriend. He ultimately couldn't handle it, freaked out, and developed an online liaison with a 25-year-old who was on the verge of ending her 2nd marriage. He left his girlfriend after running up her credit cards on a multi-state trip with Other Girl to see where "they" wanted to live! This was not the way our friends behaved, and when the breakup happened we were all appalled...especially b/c he never repaid his girlfriend (debt was about $4K -- a lot for twentysomethings). Fast forward -- guy buys house in new state, lives with Other Girl. They get married three years later, and divorce nine months thereafter. Turns out Other Girl had compusively been running up purchases and bills the whole time, and when she got to $80K (not incl. the mortgage payments!) he realized he had to get out, and told her he would assume financial responsibility if they ended everything ASAP. He is still paying off her debt, and will be for a while. I was so angry at his behavior to my friend that I didn't speak to him for seven years. By that time, he had realized the magnitude of his screwup -- something I could not have expected at the time of their breakup.

 

Anyway...I will keep my fingers crossed for your emotional and physical health. Take care.

[Kate]

wow, that is a great story. thanks for your post. i've been talking about this whole thing a LITTLE less lately, it's hard at times though. it helps to vent, but i'm not hung up on it. my roommate thinks i dwell too much on things. perhaps he is right, but he wasn't put through this terrible tornado.

 

the other girl here and i have realized more than ever how above the situation we are. it's so hard when someone seemingly wraps you with kindness and charm, and seemingly everything you value -- but their actions contradict their demeanor. very difficult.

 

yes, i believe that karma plays a role in everyone's life. i don't think it is to punish, but to prevent them from repeating their wrongdoings. i hope he never hurts anyone else the way he has hurt me. i was his FRIEND, for God's sake. i was his friend first, and that hurts. because we had a great friendship -- and so i thought all else was just golden, like icing on the cake. why he would do this is clearly beyond me -- i have everything going for me and more, and i was completely ready to share that with him. he obviously has a lot of soul searching to do. i believe one day he will think back to everything and sincerely regret. i just don't see how he couldn't.

 

the other girl and i have predicted that he will probably just take the easy way out of life, like he already has, marry an older woman, say 40+, and live off of her alimony. that will probably happen in like 5 years or so. how else will he make it? he will have the best of all worlds in his mind -- a woman to support him financially while appearing to be the hard worker he is not, and a stress free life as all she will want is a young man to give her attention. that would be the ideal life for him. and he can probably drive her ex husbands beemer and live happily after.

[Gala]

Hard to know what he'll do from here on out...if he has that many self-esteem issues, who knows...

 

BTW -- how did you find out about the other girl?

[reservoirdog1]

i thought the eyes always told the truth. they lied to me the whole time.

 

I know how that feels... I learned it the hard way. Some people are simply more skillful liars than others. Hell, I bet my TBXW could've passed a polygraph.

[Jeannie]

It's no fun being betrayed and fooled and I can see how anger took over and you basically wanted to kill the dirt clod - but save yourself prison time and pray that you don't have VD.

 

Get yourself checked out to make sure you're disease free - then close that chapter and never see or talk to him again (like Butchey said....).

 

Get some counseling and try to recover from this blow. Don't take it personally - sounds like he cheats on everybody.

 

I feel your pain - it sucks to be treated like this but a better way to torture him is to simply eliminate him from your life.

[mudobber]

This story is a great example of why it is important to be married before starting sexual relations with someone. It is kind of nice to have real vows to love and be loved exclusively.

 

Yes, there are many things that can go wrong in marriage, and fifty percent of those do fail as many can attest in these infidelity forums.

 

The odds are much worse for simple girlfriend – boyfriend sexual relationships. So buyer beware if you don’t get the real wedding vows first, because those that are having sexual relations without the vows are almost certainly setting themselves up for some bad, real bad hurt.

 

It is kind of like… “show me the money.” The commitment idea will scare off most of the riff-raff. And the man that is honorable enough to marry just might be a gentleman.

[ntovrhm]

It's been a while, just wondering what's been up with you and everything . . . . Hope all is welll!

[Kate]

thanks for checking in. well i don't think i will ever figure out what happened or why. all i know is that i was living in a bubble. i have seen the sorrya$$motherfuc#er out twice in the flesh. the first time was a couple of months ago and i did what i should have -- held my head high, smiled and didn't speak to him. i was unsatisfied! the next time i had a few drinks in me and i wanted to "get closure". i walked up to him sitting next to his friends and blasted him with a few quiet words -- the only nerve the freaking coward had was to sit there and whine "yeah...yeah..." with a prissy grin on his face. i could easily see nothing was getting through to him that way. then i just looked at him and said, "you know, it didn't have to go down like that. i shook my head and stared deep into his eyes and all i saw was a scared little boy. he sat there and listened to everything i had to say. he was just desperate for me to not make a scene. i guess the real reason i was standing there even giving him the time of day was to gage his reactions and try to figure him out further -- but i couldnt. he had no explanation for what he did or why. he said he had never done anything like that before and just stared at me motionless. i just kept telling him never to hurt anyone again. who knows what good it did, if any. he'll do it again. but at least he got to look like a poor little sap eating everything i had to say to him. i was constructive, but said everything i wanted to say to his face that i couoldn't say earlier. this made me feel closure, regardless of how things turned out. i left with my head high and he left with his head in the same place. i have heard from people that all he does is stay home and is depressed. but people lie -- and he lives with abunch of lying freaks anyway. all in all, the fact that he is a loser doesn't make me feel one way or another -- dealing with my OWN crap now as a result of this is difficult. it is not making me less trusting per say, but it is making me more closely examine what to trust, why and how. and THAT is freaking so hard. i'm going to make a seperate post about a guy who has been "chasing" me for over a month now. i haven't dated one guy since the whole incident went down almost 4 months ago. but i will say that i am SO much stronger and MUCH smarter in a wierd way.

[katelyn]

well what can i say, i know exactly what ur going through. Maybe us kates r meant to get ****ted on in life. U might have seen but i posted a thread earlier explaining my situation. My bofriend has been cheatin on me for 6 months and when i found out i actually thought it would be enough to push me over the edge. All i wanted to do was smash his face in with a baseball bat, i totally understand y u took revenge! its only human.

 

I dont understand how men can lie and be so mean. My health is now at risk too now after his ****ing around with other women.

 

So i suppose its onwards and upwards, as all my friends keep telling me, 'You will find someone who truly deserves you, just give it time!' and they r right, time is a great healer.

 

I've probably not helped u atall, but i just thought id let u know ur not alone out there.

 

XXXX

[goodman]

Dear Kate this is the first time i think i have ever really posted here although i read sometimes. Granted I am a guy but i really really feel your pain right now. My grilfriend or i should say now ex=girlfriend has been cheating on me for months and i just found out a few days ago. Mind you this is a bit different as I am the one that is faithful. )just the way i beleive..never would have cheated on anyone)..and to top it off i feel so foolish as i let her have anything she wanted (we did not live together again not in my beleif system) anyway i spent over 20000 on her in the last couple months..sence october..i sent her on a five week vacation overseas..let her talk me into paying for some minor plastic surgery..(not what you think) a nose job and lyposuction...she needed neither but said it would hel[p her self image..anyway now i am dealing with a car i bought for her when she returned two weeks ago..used but nice she is in school (i paid the tuition)..car is not in her name yet i still owe half (paid half down)..friends say go get i ..i think i have been good to her always never one lie never any thing but to help her..i thinking that if i let her keep it i look like the bigger person and hse may one day see that she should not treat people like this..i love her i hate what she did and could never take her back...odd it may seem to you but i am older than her..she is a virgin (for real) and i respect that ..so the cheating is emotional connectig with another guy..dateing dancing phoneing..basicly telling others he is her boyfriend not me...just to explain i am agrown man with a sucessfull business..she is a collge student that i have known for just under 2 years..anyway i feel your pain..wish we could chat...let me know if there is a way we can..e-mail or something i am not sure how all this works..anyway God bless you and please be strong...Jim

[Kate]

hey goodman,

 

sorry to hear you were taken for such a ride. i don't know what to say about her virginity -- but it sounds like she uses it to get things. that's not so virtuous...

 

all i can say is that in the future, you will now recognize warning signs put out by her and by YOU. for me, my ego was a huge problem -- i thought that despite his actions (or lack thereof) he would NEVER abuse me in any way. what i failed to recognize was that not only had he come out of a loooong relationship a few weeks prior to "dating" me, he simply wasn't "there" mentally. not to say those things caused him to do what he did, but why would i want someone so unavailable in the first place? i think my ego became a problem because i thought i could "fix" or "change" reality! i thought i could change the fact that he wasn't doing the things i wanted him to. in addition, i stayed in something because i altered my perception of what was happening. but in fairness to me, he DID lie and put me in a position where i didn't know what to do. but looking back, there are certain things i would NOT have put up with had i better understood MY position. it's easy to become brainwashed by people when you are simply a good person.

 

what i learned most out of it was i can't rush anything. i was trying to force a relationship into a mold i WANTED it to fit. it didn't seem so at the time at all. but now, i realize he brought NOTHING to me that i could learn or grow from. with him, i felt as though i was taking so many personal steps BACKwards. now, with the new guy i am seeing, i feel like i can move forwrad IF i take the right approach. the "right" approach for me is going very slowly, letting things happen, not MAKING them happen because i WANT them. in addition, i realize how much i really want my own life. i have always had a great self-respect, but now more than ever i want to indulge in it and grow alone, not necessarily FUSE with someone else. i thrive on connectedness and intuition and deep respect with a man, but i need to thrive on myself right now. i think i finally have this whole relationship process licked, even if this new guy doesn't end up spending the rest of his life with me...

[LindseyNY]

Ok, so i am a little new at this- I was in a long serious committed relationship with a guy who of course i thought was everything. I had never felt a love like that before, and for about 7 months of the relationship it was long distance. But we still made time to see each other about every 3-4 weeks, and many hours on the phone.

 

About a week before christmas i had a gut feeling suspision, and contacted his ex-girlfriend. To my surprise he had cheated on me twice with her, and had been keeping her on a string just in case we didnt work out. But apparently he had told her about a week before i found out that he didnt want anything to do with her, and finally told her he has a girlfriend and was in love with her.