Curlyj Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Hello everyone. Ive been lurking on here for about a week or so now. Im not sure what i am hoping to gain from posting, but i guess i am just desperate to share my story "out loud" to someone. Ive been with my fiance for almost 10 years and have two young children. I started an affair with a co worker a few years ago. It was really up and down from the beginning. We were so drawn to eachother. I never expected for us to fall in love though. We tried to end it, unsuccessfully many times for many reasons but always found ourselves back "together" It was just always really wishy washy about what we wanted in the long run. One minute we wanted a future together and the next one of would get cold feet about moving forward. We somehow managed to come to an agreement to try and remain friends, because more than anything i consider him my best friend. Unfortunately we ruined that by falling back into bed with eachother. But things seemed pretty good and he was hinting at working at getting back together again. And then he hits me with he doesnt want to try anymore and not to even be friends. Im devastated. Truly and utterly gutted. I miss him more than anything. I feel so lost, so hurt, lied to, and all sorts of other emotions. And i have to see him at work. Its killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Tell your fiancée. He has a right to know what's real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 Thats what ive been thinking of doing. Im sick of all the lies, i really am. But i am scared too. Very scared Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Why are you scared? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You cannot be just friends with him, it just doesn't work and since he is the single one, it is better and easier for him to cut you out his life. Put yourself in his shoes. You are engaged to be married, 10 years with the same man, you have 2 children. He is single and available, probably wants to get married to someone one day, have children, create a loving home, a family unit. YOU have it all already, minus the wedding ring and actual wedding. You and your fiancee are common law, you're a family unit already since you live together. He (OM) can't handle it anymore, rightfully so. Either you call off your wedding and start over with the co worker OM, go to court, make custody fair for the father of your children, OR end your A, quit your job (or ask for a transfer) and re focus/reconnect with your fiancee. You can't have it both ways. Your best friend should either be your partner/fiancee or a woman. NOT another man. Does your partner/fiancee suspect your affair? Why did you cheat on him? Maybe it is time to just come clean, call off your wedding. You're not married yet and 10 years in, 2 children, having an A for 2 years. Not a good situation to be in, for everybody's sake. And innocent people (your fiancee and children) ARE going to be deeply hurt by the fallout of your A. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Thats what ive been thinking of doing. Im sick of all the lies, i really am. But i am scared too. Very scared Scared as in? You may end up totally alone once the truth comes out? If that is the case, be OK with it. Meaning your wedding being called off and ending the R between you and fiancee should happen reguardless of the OM waiting in the wings for you or not. Obviously something was broken inside of you to choose an A even before saying 'I do'. Seek counseling, figure it out. Neither man will wait long, nobody likes to be second fiddle or lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Thanks for the reaponses guys. Let me tell you, it's eye opening reading other peoples comments on your situation. It sure makes it nice and clear just how messed up this is. Somehow, even though i knew what i was doing was wrong, i made it ok in my head. "oh but we are in love" "its so hard to leave because of the kids" Etc. All stupid excuses. Scared. Well, scared of breaking up my family. Scared of hurting my fiance and children (even though i already have) I dont like hurting people. I really dont. And im scared of what its going to do to my fiance Guess all things i should have thought of before huh? Not that its important really, but i met my fiance while he was married. We had an affair for close to 3 years before he left his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Serial Monogamy doesn't come easy to you. You're not married so to be strictly honest - your legal commitment to your fiancé isn't 'binding' in any way - or existent... Let's be brutally honest here - something wasn't ticking all the boxes with your Fiancé, because someone else ticked some boxes too... I honestly think you'd benefit form some alone time. You have to be fair to your partner, and tell him. I have to emphasise you will have to answer all his questions, and not 'trickle truth' him. let him have it all.... He may demand you seek different employment - and you couldn't blame him - but at work, consider your colleague - a simple, ordinary 'just like anyone else' colleague. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature: it was written originally by a guy who worked with his ex. So at work - it's all just work. No small talk, no private stuff, no personal discussion, no chats about you two, where it all went wrong or how you feel now. Strictly above board, strictly business, strictly "9 - 5". Monogamy doesn't always come easy to everyone. It sounds - to cut it down to the simple basic premise of humanity - that you got bored and looked for a bit of pazazz elsewhere. You have to decide whether you can re-focus and keep it in one bedroom - or whether this isn't going to work. Counselling - both Individual and 'Couples' will help level the playing field and sort the dross. You have a lot to think about. It's a risk you took. One you didn't bother paying any attention to - but it has your attention now..... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 ..... Not that its important really, but i met my fiance while he was married. We had an affair for close to 3 years before he left his marriage. ...And actually, this is extremely important, as it happens.... because in point of fact, if he gets really angry and on his high horse - you already both know the desperate temptation of having an affair.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Tara, hammer, nail, head! Curly, you just went from "I am cheating" to "I am a serial cheater". Sometimes "alone time" is just what is needed so you don't have the distraction of these men in your life interfering w/what your soul is telling you is the Right thing to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Thanks for the reaponses guys. Let me tell you, it's eye opening reading other peoples comments on your situation. It sure makes it nice and clear just how messed up this is. Somehow, even though i knew what i was doing was wrong, i made it ok in my head. "oh but we are in love" "its so hard to leave because of the kids" Etc. All stupid excuses. Scared. Well, scared of breaking up my family. Scared of hurting my fiance and children (even though i already have) I dont like hurting people. I really dont. And im scared of what its going to do to my fiance Guess all things i should have thought of before huh? Not that its important really, but i met my fiance while he was married. We had an affair for close to 3 years before he left his marriage. Affair dynamic never ended, or it's continued on, except this time you're the 'taken' one, not a single OW. Tell him the truth. Own it. This is a beginning so you can become a total honest person, no more cheating or having A's, either with single men or MM. Do counseling, because something in you is broken or you have some past issues from your childhood, upbringing or previous relationships.. Not judging you at all, I just figure you probably want to be in a stable, happy and healthy relationship/marriage, just you are making the wrong choices and it's not working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Im not at all worried that you are judging me. I deserve to hear it all. Thats why i came on here in the first place! Serial cheater. Ugh. Sounds so horrible and yet its true. And i absolutely agree that i think some alone time is what i need. I met my fiance when i was 20...he was 41. I was young and dumb and had no idea what i was getting myself into. Not that i use that as an excuse. Everything was great...man of dreams...perfecty happy little life we had. Somewhere along the way i forgt that...got sidetracked by other guys attention. And here i am now, at 31 and still none the wiser, making stupid decisions. To be perfectly honest, i dont even know what i want anymore. Try and work things out with my fiance or leave. Start over. As for the OM...i know thats over. Even if i were single..its over Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Curlyj, What and who I was is not what & who I am now. I did things, behaved in ways that I didn't like. I damaged my relationships & myself. Here's the thing... I CHANGED** I am No longer the person I was I'm better. Happer. I thank God every day I did the hard work as I can't even imagine how nasty my life would have turned out. Anyone can change. If they want to...** 2 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 That's what really sucks after an A - that you can never ever be friends because sex will always get in the way! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Im not at all worried that you are judging me. I deserve to hear it all. Thats why i came on here in the first place! Serial cheater. Ugh. Sounds so horrible and yet its true. And i absolutely agree that i think some alone time is what i need. I met my fiance when i was 20...he was 41. I was young and dumb and had no idea what i was getting myself into. Not that i use that as an excuse. Everything was great...man of dreams...perfecty happy little life we had. Somewhere along the way i forgt that...got sidetracked by other guys attention. And here i am now, at 31 and still none the wiser, making stupid decisions. To be perfectly honest, i dont even know what i want anymore. Try and work things out with my fiance or leave. Start over. As for the OM...i know thats over. Even if i were single..its over It's actually refreshing that you're taking this on the chin. Because far too often, we get ladies coming in with posts which clearly indicate they've screwed things up big time - and when members give responses in similar vein to those you've had here - they become extremely defensive and bite back, bitchy and resentful. It's pleasing that you're evaluating things in this way. See if you can get some time off work, go away on your own for a few days - make any excuse to your fiancé, for now - and find a favourite calm place to put your mind in order. Just a couple of days to think clearly, with no distractions. Do not contact your guy to reassure him you love him, tell him you miss him, or anything that could be construed as 'guilt-contact'. Be completely alone, go out for walks and THINK. Then, when you come back - DO. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 "An ex- saying they still want to be friends, is like your mum saying your dog's died, but you can still keep it. New Updated No Contact Guide 2013 and They can't abide it....!" I love what you have as your signature quote, Tara Maiden! It's so true. I'll check out the updated NC guide. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 It's actually refreshing that you're taking this on the chin. Because far too often, we get ladies coming in with posts which clearly indicate they've screwed things up big time - and when members give responses in similar vein to those you've had here - they become extremely defensive and bite back, bitchy and resentful. It's pleasing that you're evaluating things in this way. See if you can get some time off work, go away on your own for a few days - make any excuse to your fiancé, for now - and find a favourite calm place to put your mind in order. Just a couple of days to think clearly, with no distractions. Do not contact your guy to reassure him you love him, tell him you miss him, or anything that could be construed as 'guilt-contact'. Be completely alone, go out for walks and THINK. Then, when you come back - DO. Oh theres parts of me that want to get all defensive, but what would be the point? There is no way of justifying what i have done. I might be a le to jusitfy to a degree in my own head, but i am not going to try and convince anyone else! I took a few days off work already, but that was to avoid OM for a few extra days while i am suffering from the end of the A. The sad part? My fiance has been so sweet, trying to comfort me, cheer me up and keeping the kids busy while i am literally being broken apart because of another guy. Ugh. Which is pretty much the reason i am thinking of coming clean now. The guilt is at an all time high. I have lots to think about for sure! Im glad i decided to post here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 "An ex- saying they still want to be friends, is like your mum saying your dog's died, but you can still keep it. New Updated No Contact Guide 2013 and They can't abide it....!" I love what you have as your signature quote, Tara Maiden! It's so true. I'll check out the updated NC guide. Thanks. Yes! How true this is. Ive read it over and over again. But knowing one thing is right in my head, doesnt mean my heart agrees. Its a constant battle though right? Even though its the right thing to do, seeing someone that has been such a good friend to me leave my life is devestating. I wish i could take back all the sex and "relationship" stuff we had if it meant i could just have my friend back. And thats where i am struggling and hurting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I could have written your response! Me, too, but sometimes I feel that there was that friendship to have the sex and once you cross the line, you can't go back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curlyj Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 I could have written your response! Me, too, but sometimes I feel that there was that friendship to have the sex and once you cross the line, you can't go back. No, i suppose there is no going back. I wish I didn't have to see him every day at work. This would be much easier Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 No, i suppose there is no going back. I wish I didn't have to see him every day at work. This would be much easier Tight hugs to you, Curlyj. I'm glad that my ex college bf/ex mm and I don't have to see each other. We don't run in the same circle at all. Still it's hard because he's always on my mind. What more for you? How long has it been? You'll get there! Be strong and get super busy!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 No, i suppose there is no going back. I wish I didn't have to see him every day at work. This would be much easier I'd suggest telling your fiancé and getting a new job pronto! What does your fiancé think is wrong with you - since he's been offering to keep the kids busy? Link to post Share on other sites
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