SoleMate Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Am finding it really hard now though and he suggested that I mull things over maybe when he's away [vacationing with his wife]. That right there is just plain....mean. What's to mull, the fact that when he plans a vacation he takes his preferred partner, his wife? Think about it...if you were planning a trip to Hawaii or wherever, who would you want to accompany you? It's (maybe) one thing to say "I'm staying for the kids or the finances or the <other supercompelling practical reason for being a married cheater>", but a vacation is purely discretionary. So you see his discretion and his choice. The mull comment alone would have had my metaphorical boot in his rear so fast. I hope you find the strength to love yourself and do what you need to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 (edited) That right there is just plain....mean. What's to mull, the fact that when he plans a vacation he takes his preferred partner, his wife? Think about it...if you were planning a trip to Hawaii or wherever, who would you want to accompany you? It's (maybe) one thing to say "I'm staying for the kids or the finances or the <other supercompelling practical reason for being a married cheater>", but a vacation is purely discretionary. So you see his discretion and his choice. The mull comment alone would have had my metaphorical boot in his rear so fast. I hope you find the strength to love yourself and do what you need to be happy. You mean end it? Woke up this morning with a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that they would've left home by now to go. It's awful and cannot describe how bad I'm feeling. I feel so angry too as it feels like I should just like it or lump it. Also powerless. I guess the most difficult thing to cope with is the hotel thing and fear it will turn into something romantic, even though he's said a couple of times to me that the flame went out a long time ago and that they hadn't had sex for some months or more. I'm not gullible though and can't stand the fact that he mentioned (last time he nearly broke it off but then came back) that she'd been making more of an effort and that it was more of a wake-up call (for her) when times were worse nearer the beginning of our A I guess. I know this might sound obsessive, but found his wife's Twitter page so have been going on there occasionally to see what's going on (she tends to tweet more than he does). Last thing she put was that it's nearly that try and get the suitcase on the bathroom scales time. Made me feel utterly sick and a week feels a long time away and dread the trip will make them closer or bond again more. It's just so difficult. We last spoke over the phone Thurs lunchtime for a catch up really and then later that day we facebooked a few times when he mentioned about the trip. Was hoping to properly speak to him before he went and told him that last night, but guess he was busy packing. I intend to go quiet now and see if he contacts me. May well update my FB profile pic soon though as not done for ages. Hopefully looking hot of course! Thanks for listening everyone. Realise there's the time difference with most Love Shackers (most seem to come from the U.S), but hopefully you'll keep me company soon. Just feel really strange at the mo, but will most likely contact that friend later I mentioned. I just want to hide away right now. x Edited April 7, 2013 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Coward Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 While painful and it's obvious that you are going through some real pain there, you need to ask yourself what you are okay with here. Obviously, you're not okay with the fact that he is in a marriage that appears to be thriving any time they are vacationing together. If that was okay with you and you accepted that you are the "other woman" you're expectations wouldn't be so high. But it seems you are expecting more so as others have said, why don't you find a single man who can give you what you obviously need. By the way, crying in his arms because he is going on vacation with his wife.. hmmm....sounds manipulative. If anything was pathetic, that was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Date a single man who makes you his top priority! Where can I find one of those? Men my age(61)want women much younger!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 By the way, crying in his arms because he is going on vacation with his wife.. hmmm....sounds manipulative. If anything was pathetic, that was. I didn't? Although maybe you were referring to another poster then? Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 I think the more "anti-OW' comments were directed at ConfusedBlueeeyes, whose post about how a MM who is committed to his OW "really" acts, drew offence. They're not aimed at you, goldengirl. Nonetheless, this could be a good moment for you to reflect on whether the deep pain you feel now (which is likely to recur) is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 LFH, " that. They worry much more about upsetting their OW than they ever do their BS. If they worried more about upsetting their BS they probably wouldn't be having an affair, but um.. hello... that ship sailed already, so I don't know why people are acting so shocked." Your above comment might make for an interesting topic. My H didn't want to "upset the exOW out of concern she would out him to me. It absolutely came across as concern "for" the OW. It was really just concern for himself... OP, There is nothing you can do to change the fact he is on vacation w/his W of his own volition. You CAN however do something w/the time he is away. What haven't you done in a while that you'd like to do?* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 GG, did I read in another thread that you are 34? Do you want marriage and children? If so, do you see this relationship moving you towards that goal? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 GG, did I read in another thread that you are 34? Do you want marriage and children? If so, do you see this relationship moving you towards that goal? You're correct and good point. Well, I could see it yes, but tbh at times I'm not sure whether he's sincere enough to me to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for all the posts so far. It helps to go back and read them. I am trying to take my mind off it and hopefully when go back to work tomorrow I will feel a little more sane. At this moment in time am waiting for a pizza delivery ! after not having much food today. As Lady Grey described, yes am feeling sick and tired. I just hope this week flies by and am thinking of possibly going away next weekend if I can (need to give notice at work). Although at the moment, admit don't really feel with it enough to go in tomorrow, but will have to I guess as it's quite a new job. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 (edited) You obviously want more from him. Did you think that they had a different type of relationship or did you know that this was the case and are having a hard time coping with that now? I was aware that things had been rocky between them (during which the A began) e.g he was near certain that they would seperate, but it would appear to have improved a bit since earlier this year e.g he said that she seems to be making a bit more of an effort, which makes me feel more like an option now - but only when it suits him it feels. You could say he has been a two faced so and so IMO! Edited April 7, 2013 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 No, stop. Really. You are making it all worse by actively scouting her out online! Following and lurking her twitter is just going to make you feel worse. BUT, turn this into a positive. Meaning, YOU are getting a reality check. THEIR life is as husband and wife IS going on. They are having sex. They are bonding. Accept it. Sorry to be blunt but you need to wake up and get out of this A forever. It hurts you, it does damage to you. There are some OW on here who are totally OK with it being an A, they accept the fact MM has a life with his wife, has sex with her. They enjoy the A for what it is and don't get worked up or jealous. You are not that type of person to just accept it on all levels, you want more, you want him to choose you, be faithful to you. Putting those expectations and limitations on him, claiming him as yours IS what the problem is now. He isn't yours and he isn't going to live up to your hopes/expectations. I say END IT when he comes back from holidays. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 I would end it now. Nothing is going to help you feel better instantly. It's like being at the bottom of a well and its going to be tough to climb out. He will not be there for you when it counts, only when he needs you (which, as long as he is married, is less time than you need from him). The longer you wait the deeper you'll get and the harder the climb out. In a way the longer you invest in this A, the harder it will be to quit and give up. At some point you're so deep in the well that you can't even see the light up top or see which way is up. Please just stop now before he ends it. At least you'll have more self respect, dignity and power. Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 You're correct and good point. Well, I could see it yes, but tbh at times I'm not sure whether he's sincere enough to me to. Based on what you posted in that other thread, it sounds like he is becoming unsure as to whether he even wants to keep you on the side - much less taking any steps to leave or make you his "main" woman If you want marriage and a family of your own, I'd seriously start thinking about extracting yourself and finding someone who is single and available. 34 is not ancient, but I'm 30 and would not spend years sitting around waiting on someone who will very likely never be mine. I don't feel I have that sort of time to waste, realistically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 No, stop. Really. You are making it all worse by actively scouting her out online! Following and lurking her twitter is just going to make you feel worse. BUT, turn this into a positive. Meaning, YOU are getting a reality check. THEIR life is as husband and wife IS going on. They are having sex. They are bonding. Accept it. Sorry to be blunt but you need to wake up and get out of this A forever. It hurts you, it does damage to you. There are some OW on here who are totally OK with it being an A, they accept the fact MM has a life with his wife, has sex with her. They enjoy the A for what it is and don't get worked up or jealous. You are not that type of person to just accept it on all levels, you want more, you want him to choose you, be faithful to you. Putting those expectations and limitations on him, claiming him as yours IS what the problem is now. He isn't yours and he isn't going to live up to your hopes/expectations. I say END IT when he comes back from holidays. Thanks for your honesty. However, there was NO need to be as blunt as you were (in certain parts). In fact, you ruined my day. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks for your honesty. However, there was NO need to be as blunt as you were (in certain parts). In fact, you ruined my day. WWIU didn't say anything that wasn't true, and none of it was malicious. You chose this lifestyle..you don't have much recourse to complain about the consequences. I really am sorry that you're hurting, but as the saying goes..you made your bed... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks for your honesty. However, there was NO need to be as blunt as you were (in certain parts). In fact, you ruined my day. I'm sorry that my words hurt your feelings, being blunt isn't the same as rude or mean. If you took it that I was mean to you, again, I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I just gave you a little reality check, in hopes it would light a fire under you and give an "OH YEAH, I NEED TO BE STRONG!" and GET MAD, and do something to change the situation you're in so you can feel better and happier. I'm sorry. Sometimes people forget that the OW/OM is actually a human being with feelings that can hurt too. I hate to say that it might be best to take a BREAK from the SUPPORT group you came to for HELP... Can anyone else see the irony here? I guess you took my words as offensive as well and thought I wasn't being supportive. I wasn't rude to her at all. In fact I go out of my way to reach out to OW/OM and anybody else on this site for that matter, so for you to tell me that I'm not supportive or or don't think that the person behind the screen isn't a real human with real emotions/feelings, then you don't know me at all. I don't appreciate you calling me out and also comparing my advice or anything I've said as "the irony here." This totally wasn't necessary to take a shot at me. Please next time hit the alert us key and let the mods decide if what I said wasn't supportive, if it was mean and malicious, unsupportive. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks for your honesty. However, there was NO need to be as blunt as you were (in certain parts). In fact, you ruined my day. One more thing - Don't let ANYBODY ruin your day, especially complete strangers on the internet. Your MM shouldn't make or break your day either. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 From one GG to another: I'm sorry WWIU's post offended you but there were some blunt truths that unfortunately for you, you really should acknowledge. The first is that if the one doesn't know of the affair, then they are absolutely having sex regardless of what he says. Think about it for a minute. Would you not think something is wrong if you weren't having sex with your spouse? That's such a fundamental part of any marriage that for someone to not suspect an affair, it can't be broken. Secondly, he chose to go on a vacation with his wife. Third, he manipulates you and blames you for his bad/odd behavior. He wants to check out for a few weeks? He tells you he's mad because you didn't buy lunch. He wants you to take his leaving for vacation quietly? He turns it into YOUR time to think and evaluate yourself. He's a master at this. What WWIU was trying to do was not hurt you but get you to really question what you believe about him. To be honest with you - and I am genuinely not trying to hurt you more - I think she's trying to show you what I also believe and that this is a dead-end street. In the end, we're both trying to save you any additional pain. It will hurt enough to get over him, going through more unrest with him is just going to add to the burden. You love him and I believe you're seeking some guidance on how to make things work with him. Unfortunately, affairs rarely do work for the OW. Your case, as you've presented it, doesn't give any indication that yours would have an inclinication to end differently. In fact, it leans more towards a bad outcome for you. I really don't say that as a wife, although I am one. And I am not passing judgment on you. But, I really think you need to evaluate what you believe. Sorry. I'm sure that hurts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 That wasn't directed at you. I was talking about a lot of the other posts that were QUITE nasty to her. I'm sorry if you took it as being directed to you. Thanks.. And yes, I did think it was directed at me because you quoted her quote to me, so why wouldn't I have thought it was directed at me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Yep makes total sense but I'm cranky today so I wasn't as careful in my posts as I should have been either. It was her part about how her day was ruined that I was referring to. Only person (for some reason) who DOES have control over many people's days being ruined is.. Our mothers! They can bring you up and bring you down in one day! ... Ahh ,childhood/teenaged/early adulthood memories... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Only person (for some reason) who DOES have control over many people's days being ruined is.. Our mothers! They can bring you up and bring you down in one day! ... Ahh ,childhood/teenaged/early adulthood memories... memories? my mum still manages to do that to this day, and she's a sweetheart! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 memories? my mum still manages to do that to this day, and she's a sweetheart! To an extent mine does too..lol Alrighty, I'm creating a new thread about this, so come check it out in the family section... sorry for the mini hi jacking of your thread GG. Link to post Share on other sites
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