questioning the success of no contact

[icantbelieve]

No contact

 

For Guys:

Has anyone ever gotten their ex girlfriend back after using the no contact rule after they dumped you?

 

I understand that no contact is for yourself to heal, but I love her and I just want to have a realistic idea on the chances.

 

If you have gotten your ex back, how long of no contact were you in?

 

For Girls:

If you are a girl, do you start missing/ realizing how good the boyfriend was after no contact? How long would it take for you to come to this realization? Some people say that the chemical feelings fade at about 6-8 weeks which is why no contact for 60 days helps you get over the person. if you dont call your ex back between this time does that mean you're over them and you have no thoughts of getting back together?

[Limbo21]

I've went NC & i mean proper nc and we got back together. Broke up again several months later. Back to NC and its driven her absolutely crazy. She has tried everything

 

But as everyone will tell you (& you already know) NC is about you not them

[ThatJustHappened]

No contact

 

For Guys:

Has anyone ever gotten their ex girlfriend back after using the no contact rule after they dumped you?

 

I understand that no contact is for yourself to heal, but I love her and I just want to have a realistic idea on the chances.

 

If you have gotten your ex back, how long of no contact were you in?

 

For Girls:

If you are a girl, do you start missing/ realizing how good the boyfriend was after no contact? How long would it take for you to come to this realization? Some people say that the chemical feelings fade at about 6-8 weeks which is why no contact for 60 days helps you get over the person. if you dont call your ex back between this time does that mean you're over them and you have no thoughts of getting back together?

 

Clearly you don't understand what NC is for or you wouldn't be asking these questions.

[icantbelieve]

Clearly you don't understand what NC is for or you wouldn't be asking these questions.

 

i actually do understand what no contact is for...it is for you to heal, to move on, to better yourself, to foget her, to live for yourself....but i still love her and want her back

 

youre the one thats not understanding, you didnt read my question and posted an irrelevant response....like i said i know what no contact is for do you expect me to just forget about the girl that i love?

 

im already on 4 weeks of no contact, ive been working out, hanging out with friends, playing poker, doing things i didn't do for a long time...that doesn't mean i dont want her back tho.

 

i also understand that it helps an ex realize what they had. ppl get back together all the time, mebe shell come back and mebe she wont.

 

i wanted to know ppls thoughts and experiences with no contact, is that wrong? i know there will b a few positive experiences and most likely many more negative experiences.

[tylerd]

i actually do understand what no contact is for...it is for you to heal, to move on, to better yourself, to foget her, to live for yourself....but i still love her and want her back

 

youre the one thats not understanding, you didnt read my question and posted an irrelevant response....like i said i know what no contact is for do you expect me to just forget about the girl that i love?

 

im already on 4 weeks of no contact, ive been working out, hanging out with friends, playing poker, doing things i didn't do for a long time...that doesn't mean i dont want her back tho.

 

i also understand that it helps an ex realize what they had. ppl get back together all the time, mebe shell come back and mebe she wont.

 

i wanted to know ppls thoughts and experiences with no contact, is that wrong? i know there will b a few positive experiences and most likely many more negative experiences.

 

No contact, when done properly, is always a positive experience, otherwise you are doing it wrong. It does take time heal. Don't just us it to manipulate the situation or wait for the phone to ring. She could be off with some other dude not giving you a second thought.

[icantbelieve]

No contact, when done properly, is always a positive experience, otherwise you are doing it wrong. It does take time heal. Don't just us it to manipulate the situation or wait for the phone to ring. She could be off with some other dude not giving you a second thought.

 

yea i understand what youre saying. if shes seeing someone else or out with another guy i would not even consider getting back together. the thing is i dont think she is seeing anyone else which is why im asking about the length of time nc takes before she starts to think rationally and her emotions cool down.

 

even tho she mite come around further down the line... months or even a year, if she has been with someone else during the time it is already too late in my mind.

 

its not really a time limit for me getting back with her, but a time limit for her to get back with me which expires the moment shes been with another guy. idont know if that makes sense to anyone.....its just i wudnt want to be with a girl after shes explored other options and has decided she wants to be with me. the thing is i honestly dont think there is another guy in the picture,

 

before the breakup i wasnt sure if i wanted to continue the relationship becuz of certain issues but she convinced me, a week later shes saying she doesnt know what she wants anymore, shes confused, and needs to be single to figure it out.

 

throughout our whole relationship, weve always resolved our fights in the same day which is why everything thats happning seems so unreal to me.

 

im not trying to manipulate the situation, im giving her the time and space that she told me she needs. im just trying to understand the situation more and hear what other peoples experiences have been like

[TaraMaiden]

No contact

 

For Guys:

Has anyone ever gotten their ex girlfriend back after using the no contact rule after they dumped you?

Some have been approached by exes, but then found, in 99.9999% of cases that the approach was just breadcrumbs, selfish ego-boosting and an attempt to make themselves feel better about the break - not for any benefit to the dumpee.

 

Signals were very definitely unclear, ambiguous and ultimately, pointless.

 

Raising hopes and dashing them within hours....

 

I understand that no contact is for yourself to heal, but I love her and I just want to have a realistic idea on the chances.

 

Really?

Honestly?

Extremely slim, bordering on the 'none'.

 

Two hopes:

Bob Hope and No Hope.

 

If you have gotten your ex back, how long of no contact were you in?

The longer NC, the more potential success. There have to my knowledge (look at how long I've been here and been posting) been two 'successful' attempts at reconciliation: One took 2 years, the otrher three.

 

One failed. (The 3-year one).

 

For Girls:

If you are a girl, do you start missing/ realizing how good the boyfriend was after no contact? How long would it take for you to come to this realization? Some people say that the chemical feelings fade at about 6-8 weeks which is why no contact for 60 days helps you get over the person. if you dont call your ex back between this time does that mean you're over them and you have no thoughts of getting back together?

 

As a girl?

As a girl I can tell you, hand on heart - we dump? We dump for good.

 

Once the feeling has gone, frankly we can't be asked to make the effort to pick it back up again.

This is why reconciliation is so rare.

because we think differently to you guys.

 

And when it's gone....?

 

Forget it.

 

We like the familiarity.

We like the flattery.

We even like the sex.

But rekindling?

Nah. Ego-boost will do fine.

Back together though - is a no-no....

[Toddbt12y1]

No contact is nothing more than a tool used to heal a person from a relationship ending. The NC itself was not meant as a tool to bring your ex back. It rarely does and it rarely lasts, as those problems from before, still remain.

 

What heals you is going out and being active, and as such; taking steps to build back one's confidence. Time alone does nothing either; you have to use action, with time, with NC to heal up.

 

It always gets worse, as you go deeper into NC. You feel bad, instead of better. Like a drug-addict needing time to get over drugs, and feeling worse for a while - but better in the end; this is NC...it will hurt for months and worse by the third-sixth month. Then pick-up, depending upon your action.

 

NC is a tool, a double-edged sword, with intent and purpose. Not as some hope against hope...that your loved one will return.

[icantbelieve]

No contact is nothing more than a tool used to heal a person from a relationship ending. The NC itself was not meant as a tool to bring your ex back. It rarely does and it rarely lasts, as those problems from before, still remain.

 

What heals you is going out and being active, and as such; taking steps to build back one's confidence. Time alone does nothing either; you have to use action, with time, with NC to heal up.

 

It always gets worse, as you go deeper into NC. You feel bad, instead of better. Like a drug-addict needing time to get over drugs, and feeling worse for a while - but better in the end; this is NC...it will hurt for months and worse by the third-sixth month. Then pick-up, depending upon your action.

 

NC is a tool, a double-edged sword, with intent and purpose. Not as some hope against hope...that your loved one will return.

 

i understand what ur saying. at first it wasnt that bad for me. then i started drinkin a lot and doing things i said i wasnt gonna do anymore. my life felt like it was spiraling out of control. there were a lot of things goin on in my life. but i recently woke up and was like this isnt who i am and if it is who i am its not who i want to be.

[Marine0311]

Dated for 2 1/2 years, brokeup in August. I went NC in August and by Thanksgiving we were back together, first time we saw each other late November we had sex and got back. Come late February we got in a fight and she called it off. Been NC since and havent gotten a word. Chances are shes with other guys at college, but I just live day to day and try not to think about it. If she comes back, I probably will not take her back this time around. If she doesnt come back, oh well thats life it sucks, but cut my loses and move on.

[icantbelieve]

Some have been approached by exes, but then found, in 99.9999% of cases that the approach was just breadcrumbs, selfish ego-boosting and an attempt to make themselves feel better about the break - not for any benefit to the dumpee.

 

Signals were very definitely unclear, ambiguous and ultimately, pointless.

 

Raising hopes and dashing them within hours....

 

 

 

Really?

Honestly?

Extremely slim, bordering on the 'none'.

 

Two hopes:

Bob Hope and No Hope.

 

 

The longer NC, the more potential success. There have to my knowledge (look at how long I've been here and been posting) been two 'successful' attempts at reconciliation: One took 2 years, the otrher three.

 

One failed. (The 3-year one).

 

 

 

As a girl?

As a girl I can tell you, hand on heart - we dump? We dump for good.

 

Once the feeling has gone, frankly we can't be asked to make the effort to pick it back up again.

This is why reconciliation is so rare.

because we think differently to you guys.

 

And when it's gone....?

 

Forget it.

 

We like the familiarity.

We like the flattery.

We even like the sex.

But rekindling?

Nah. Ego-boost will do fine.

Back together though - is a no-no....

 

thanks for being honest

[singme2sleep]

Well I'm a girl, and NC makes me miss my ex more instead of less. But I'm the dumpee so I guess this doesn't answer your question...

[Limbo21]

Like I posted, NC led me to reconcile with my ex. It may well work BUT the relationship is damaged. It's over, even after reconciliation. That's what we need to realise.

 

All the posts on LS are very similar, but very few seem to address what happens if the dumpee's wishes come true and gets their ex's back

 

 

It's done, kaput, finito

 

Find a new adventure, a new partner. It's the only way

[LoveB86]

I am new here, yes, and I don't save threads of the NC rule. I am not gonna go by percentages or anything of what some people think is known fact. I can only speak from experience. I was with a man 2 1/2 years ago and we were together for almost 5 years. He broke up with me because of "i need time to think" phrase. He fed me breadcrumbs of "how are you/hows life?" bread crumbs for 1 year after the breakup. He wants me back and now wants to get married 2 year later. I no longer care about going back to us because at the 2 years he came back, I was taken already and had moved on.

 

People love life issues are just so complex. There just doesn't seem like a straight forward answer as to how many days it takes for a person to come back or move on and so forth. Only time will tell, maybe some heartbreaks and taking a risk to find out may can make you or break you. If you want this girl back, yet your using the NC rule; no one can't truly say they won't or will be back. It's really that person choice and you might gotta ask in order to find out. Or you'll be sitting around waiting and waiting because your hoping on this NC rule to get them back. NC really should apply to those who are done with the pain and just wants to move on. It seems like it leads to false hope for those who really want their ex back. Just seems so confusing.

 

 

But hey I am going through some stuff, so I'm just speaking the moment.

[LoveB86]

And I actually had a account with LS 2 years ago during that 5 year breakup and after awhile when I gained strength to move on, I broke NC in every way years ago because I wanted him back and yes he the ex came running back much more happier, life was better for him career wise and everything and still was single 2 years later. Still to this day he swears up and down that there as no one else and that he just needed space back then. I can say that NC worked at moments, but when I broke it, it still seemed to work out for me in reconcilation, but was interested in someone else at the time. I never came back to the forum board after breaking NC, because by then nothing else matter. I NC and broke NC by taking a risk and still got him running back. Just can't strictly go by every little rule when you still want that person back. It was solely on his choice to come back. I can't say if NC was the reason. That's why it should really be used to those who are over and done with someone.

[thefooloftheyear]

And I actually had a account with LS 2 years ago during that 5 year breakup and after awhile when I gained strength to move on, I broke NC in every way years ago because I wanted him back and yes he the ex came running back much more happier, life was better for him career wise and everything and still was single 2 years later. Still to this day he swears up and down that there as no one else and that he just needed space back then. I can say that NC worked at moments, but when I broke it, it still seemed to work out for me in reconcilation, but was interested in someone else at the time. I never came back to the forum board after breaking NC, because by then nothing else matter. I NC and broke NC by taking a risk and still got him running back. Just can't strictly go by every little rule when you still want that person back. It was solely on his choice to come back. I can't say if NC was the reason. That's why it should really be used to those who are over and done with someone.

 

Are you still with him now??

[Am4Real]

Back to your question(s)...

 

I must comment you "really do not understand the purpose of NC".

 

However, without doubt you can use NC as a manipulative tool to getting your EX back, there are countless e-books on the subject for the low price of $29.95, but in the end that is not NC as properly defined.

 

What your asking us for in this thread are the chances of success when using NC as a manipulative tool for attracting your EX.

 

To that I respond...[highlight]no further comment![/highlight]

[icantbelieve]

Back to your question(s)...

 

I must comment you "really do not understand the purpose of NC".

 

However, without doubt you can use NC as a manipulative tool to getting your EX back, there are countless e-books on the subject for the low price of $29.95, but in the end that is not NC as properly defined.

 

What your asking us for in this thread are the chances of success when using NC as a manipulative tool for attracting your EX.

 

To that I respond...[highlight]no further comment![/highlight]

 

im not trying to manipulate her. she hasnt tried contacting me after we discussed the breakup. im giving her the space and time she asked for so i dont understand why ur trying to say im manipulating anything.

 

what i was asking was how long it will take someone to come around IF there are feelings deep down that they were unsure of. my question was about people's experiences as to whether no contact made their ex realize their feelings and try to give the relationship another go.

 

there are plenty of relationships that go thru rough patches, all im trying to find out is how many people experienced an ex coming back after no contact and if they did how long did it take.

 

is it wrong to ask these questions? people that dont want to talk about it dont have to post....but if you are why do you need to answer with irrelevant responses.

 

No contact to manipulate her? No, i made it clear that i wud not bother her anymore after our last convo. i didnt really realize that there was a no contact rule until i started looking online and posting on this site. i initiated no contact before i even realized what it was becuz she said she needed space and time. my personal belief was that i shud continue pursuing her to show her how much i cared but when it didnt really work, i tried to accept and respect her decision. i didnt realize that doing that qualifies as manipulating.

 

honestly i didnt realize that it was against the forum rules to ask these questions about experiences regarding no contact. it seems that the forum community likes to bash on anyone that asks these questions.

Edited April 6, 2013 by icantbelieve
edit

[icantbelieve]

And I actually had a account with LS 2 years ago during that 5 year breakup and after awhile when I gained strength to move on, I broke NC in every way years ago because I wanted him back and yes he the ex came running back much more happier, life was better for him career wise and everything and still was single 2 years later. Still to this day he swears up and down that there as no one else and that he just needed space back then. I can say that NC worked at moments, but when I broke it, it still seemed to work out for me in reconcilation, but was interested in someone else at the time. I never came back to the forum board after breaking NC, because by then nothing else matter. I NC and broke NC by taking a risk and still got him running back. Just can't strictly go by every little rule when you still want that person back. It was solely on his choice to come back. I can't say if NC was the reason. That's why it should really be used to those who are over and done with someone.

 

 

how long did you go before breaking it?

[Limbo21]

Loveshack seems not to have read your comments. He's made it clear he wants stories from us. I'm a due hard NC fan (one of the best after her many attempts) but anyone dare mention NC in any other reference then everyone becomes a little militant

[TaraMaiden]

what i was asking was how long it will take someone to come around IF there are feelings deep down that they were unsure of. my question was about people's experiences as to whether no contact made their ex realize their feelings and try to give the relationship another go....

 

Let me put this succinctly.

Dumpers keep in touch, or re-establish contact far, far FAR more often than not, because they want to see whether their dumped ex- is still thinking of them, and would like to be buddy-buddy now.

The reason Dumpers throw breadcrumbs is two-fold:

 

One: it boosts their ego, and makes them think "Oh, good, they still think of me then - I must be more important to them than I thought!"

 

And

 

Two: it relieves their guilt, because if you reply (for which your motives are entirely different) they believe you've moved on, are healed and are happy to be in the 'friend-zone' because obviously, if you hadn't replied/agreed to a coffee/ things would be different. But you have - so it lets them off the guilt hook. I mean, if you're willing to engage in small chat, you MUST be fine, mustn't you?

 

Their motive is testing the buddy-level water.

'Yours' is "OMG!! S/he wants me back?? Maybe?? I think I may be in with a second chance!!" heart goes into overdrive, head turns into mush.

 

honestly i didnt realize that it was against the forum rules to ask these questions about experiences regarding no contact. it seems that the forum community likes to bash on anyone that asks these questions.

 

No.

I just think most people believe you are seeking some minor tiny grain of hope that something positive will happen in the break-up with you and your ex- and they want you to understand that the chances aren't worth even writing on a post-it note.

 

Believe it or not, they're trying to give you a wake-up call/reality check.

 

That's all.

[icantbelieve]

Loveshack seems not to have read your comments. He's made it clear he wants stories from us. I'm a due hard NC fan (one of the best after her many attempts) but anyone dare mention NC in any other reference then everyone becomes a little militant

 

well as this is a thread in the breakup section, i expect most responses to be skewed negatively. how many people that have had their most recent ex come back still visit this site?

 

thats why i was curious as to peoples experiences with past relationships. some people answered and shared their stories, other people just talked about stuff that didnt matter.

[icantbelieve]

Let me put this succinctly.

Dumpers keep in touch, or re-establish contact far, far FAR more often than not, because they want to see whether their dumped ex- is still thinking of them, and would like to be buddy-buddy now.

The reason Dumpers throw breadcrumbs is two-fold:

 

One: it boosts their ego, and makes them think "Oh, good, they still think of me then - I must be more important to them than I thought!"

 

And

 

Two: it relieves their guilt, because if you reply (for which your motives are entirely different) they believe you've moved on, are healed and are happy to be in the 'friend-zone' because obviously, if you hadn't replied/agreed to a coffee/ things would be different. But you have - so it lets them off the guilt hook. I mean, if you're willing to engage in small chat, you MUST be fine, mustn't you?

 

Their motive is testing the buddy-level water.

'Yours' is "OMG!! S/he wants me back?? Maybe?? I think I may be in with a second chance!!" heart goes into overdrive, head turns into mush.

 

 

 

No.

I just think most people believe you are seeking some minor tiny grain of hope that something positive will happen in the break-up with you and your ex- and they want you to understand that the chances aren't worth even writing on a post-it note.

 

Believe it or not, they're trying to give you a wake-up call/reality check.

 

That's all.

 

yea i can see where people are coming from, but all in all i just wanted to hear about some peoples experiences.

 

my ex hasnt thrown me any breadcrumbs at all and its been 4 weeks. but my friend told me she asked him how i was doing about a week ago so i know she really does care about me. i dont really want to explain the break up or the circumstances, i just wanted to hear about how no contact has turned out for other people in their past relationships.

 

:confused::confused:

[Harradin]

I'll throw in my 2 cents here. I've had an awful break up, not gonna explain it as it was very confusing. She basically ran off with my friend who manipulates and backstabs people with no empathy.

 

But I'm coming up to 6 months NC, 7 months since the BU and in the end it was something NC was the only way to go as she tried quite hard to keep me in her life as a 'friend.' I refused outright and she got angry and told me it was my loss. She's not even tried to reach out to me since that night. Sure I have weak moments (I had one last night) but I'm far better off in my life having done NC, I would have only been hurt continually by not having NC.

 

Will she ever end up coming back to try things out again? Considering how bad our breakup was, I doubt it. I hope she feels regret that she threw away someone who really loved and cared for her for someone who's only going to hurt her. Especially as she told me how scared she was of losing me to some stupid mistake she would make, she did it all by herself!

 

Course I still love her and care for her, but a betrayal like that pretty much destroys anything that could have happened between us.

 

No Contact is a success, but only for you, not for them or you and them.

[GudDude2013]

I know how you feel, because I feel the same...FEEL is the key word here. My emotions say I miss my ex, and still have feelings for her. I wish that we would get back together and everything would be as it was, but I think not. THINK....is the key word here, because my logic knows that too much damage has occurred, and the time apart will not solve the problems we had.

 

I have been in NC for about 1 1/2 months now, and I know that I have a long way to go. Time heals all wounds, and my logic reminds me of this. My feelings cause me pain, but it will pass.

 

I don't have to let NC give me false hope, because i'm using it for what it is meant for which is to heal, & put things in perspective. You still love her, and want her back. I FEEL the same, but I THINK after knowing she was with other men, I wouldn't want her. I THINK that the relationship is dead, and that the more time apart will help me move on.

 

The attachment you feel will not wane easily. Your emotions for her will be very stubborn, but you must focus on what NC is really about. If your not going to take it as the strategy of healing it's meant to be, then break it, call your ex, tell her how you feel. Try and persuade her into giving it another shot, and see how it goes. Maybe she'll say, "I've missed you so much!, yes I want to try again." Or maybe she'll say , " I've moved on and there's no chance that we'll ever get back together." Then atleast you'd know, and all you have to lose is more pain, and more time, but look what you may gain.

 

Basically what you can do is use NC to improve yourself. Use all the extra time to become more of who you want to be, and then maybe, if circumstances permit you'll have an opportunity to start a new relationship with your ex, if you still feel the same way.

 

You can always chuck whatever progress you've made (which doesn't seem much) and implement NC all over again. There are your valid options. As for me, I'm sticking to NC and if she leaves a breadcrumb, she does. If she initiates something more substantial, she will, if she doesn't, she won't, either way, I know I will be alright, because it's not about what she does, it's about what I do.