Please respond with your thoughts......

[Fuzzymuzzy]

My ex-girlfriend who I have a child with is now living with her new boyfriend who she met about a month ago. This guy has no license (DUI's), had nowhere to live. She see's him as the greatest thing on two legs. Within @ weeks he was telling her he loved her and was going to help her raise my son (seems kinda crazy to me). I feel like I wasn't ever important to her if when we split up she just moves right on. I personally have had a hard time with moving on. Do you think her situation with this guy is one that will last? I know it's hard to say but I wanted some outside input? I don't really think I would want her back but I'm worried about the effect of men coming in and out of my child's life as well as her own daughter's life whom I love and care for. Well I'm not sure a big part of me still loves her and the kids and would like to make things ok. I guess I just wanted some input from women to see how someone could move in with a guy they have only known for 4 weeks and start planning a life.

I think she is emotionally unstable. Should I move on and possible find something better or what?

[Papillon]

She's out of your life, so in that respect you have to move on, and not look back. But if your son is important to you, and you believe she's unfit to be a mother, and her home environment is unfit for raising kids, perhaps you could sue for custody?

[Fuzzymuzzy]

But do you think her situation is one that will last? I know it's tough to say but doesn't that seem kinda fast to you women? As a guy I know what a guy is thinking. As a woman what would you think?

[EC]

It all depends on the woman.

 

He sounds like a no good deadbeat. DUI's and nowhere to live where is he staying? with her?

 

Eventually I hope she will see past whatever it is she see's in him and move on.

 

It does sound kinda fast and I would not like my future child around an environment like that either.

[Fuzzymuzzy]

Her whole family loves me and tells me that this won't last between the two of them and that I should wait for it to fall apart so we can be together. This sounds kinda stupid to me, I love her but I feel she was at least talking to this guy before we split and I'm better than second choice. I have so many mixed emotions I am at loss.

I do love her/ care about her. I did do alot of things I regret in our relationship. But had a lot done to me also.

I'm in limbo. I don't know what to do next. Nothing / something . I know I won't say anything to her about it I have already said all I can say and it did no good. If I ask her anymore it will push her farther away. Screwy.

[EC]

I always say "Say how you feel and don't play into rules or games"

 

But in this case she already knows how you feel, her family knows and I'm pretty sure they tell her, and she is still with this scumbag.

 

I say Move on. I have a feeling she was with him before you broke up too.

 

And now she wants to move in with him? It's done move on.

 

She obviously wants to be with dirt then let her be with dirt. If eventually it does fall apart and your still open then you can have something but dont sit around waiting for her.

[rgpgdg]

first of all need more info.....how long were you two together? how long before she started seeing this person? you have every right to worry for your child's sake. i'm sure it won't last. this is probably her transitional person. someone she is using to get over you. i know i've done it before myself. i think men take longer sometimes to get over relationships than men also. man sometimes see it as a failure on their part. i wold move on. nothing gets to a woman more than the other moving on with their life. she already knows how you feel there is not much more you can do. she will get tired of this dead beat person. only a matter of time. just be there for your child. be constant in his life and it will not matter the men she brings into his life because he will always know you are his dad. its not his job to raise your child with her. whether you two are together or not it is still you and her job and thats it. especially the way you describe him. maybe she doesn't even know what she wants. if its meant to be it will work itself out.....................hang in there

[Fuzzymuzzy]

I dated a woman for 15 months. She was a single mother with a history of bad relationships. When I met her she was married but separated for over 2 years. I had the best time with her when we were together. And like all new relationships it was great in the beginning. After 5 weeks I found out she was pregnant. I panicked and told her I wasn't ready to be a dad. (1st mistake) We talked it out and decided to have the baby I am glad we did. Over the course of her pregnancy I spent alot less time with her than I should have she gave up drinking and smoking I wanted to party.(2nd mistake) So I left her at home while I went out. I was less supportive than I should have been. I asked her to help with the bills and asked her to clean the house while I was gone to work I work about 50 hours a week.She quickly began to resent our situation. I never really met her friends/ family like I should have. She would have done anything for me. At the time I didn't see my situation like I do now.

After my son was born I now longer went out and partied I realized what I had in this girl and what I would lose I things went south. I tried to do more to support her started trying to hang out with her family/ friends. Let her know what she ment to me. But at this point she began staying out at night until 4 in the morning in some cases. I would sit up and call the police the hospital etc.. I would cry about it and it hurt me terrible. We would fight about it and I would kick her out tell her to leave. Not thinking about either child or the woman I love not thinking about anyting but myself. But the next day I would want her back because I love her love the kids don't want to be without them.

I had a feeling she was seeing someone else. But I still tried to make it work.

We got back together again I told her to move 3 times for staying out like that but I regret it. she tells me her mother is going to take to kids for the weekend out of town. Now my son is 3 months old at this time and I didn't really think he should be anywhere but with me or her. But she says we will get to spend time together and I say ok let her take him. When we get to the weekend she tells me that because I have to work until 5 she is going to go up north with some of her friends and stay the night. I flipped out told her I thought she was irresponsible, that I didn't know why I was fooling myself thinking things could be ok, that I don't want to see each other anymore. I was tired of being hurt. She tells me to remember this in a month when I want her back.

We she was right about week later I realize that she is doing to me what I did while she was pregnat. I tell her I think we can work it out. She says no that she needs time by herself. That weekend she take a guy up to her parents cabin. Then begans dating him seriously. She comes over to pick up my son after I had him all day and tells me that this new I is exactly like her and that she knows I don't want guys in and out of my son's life but she thinks they will be together for a long time so It's ok to have them together. She tells me even though she has only known him 3 weeks that he want's me to know he will never have my son call him Daddy , or spank him. I am floored I can't figure out this woman. I know guys will say anything to get in the panties but this is some deep sh**. He has no kids and is 7 years older than her. Do you think he could be for real? I told her I think we just met at the wrong time in our lives. She agrees but also says I'm too conservative for her. Now I'm not a very conservative person so I don't know what that means. But now that I have a chld I don't want to party like that. She says she doesn't see a situation where we can be back together. But I love her and think if we both just grew up everything could be good. I miss her and the kids terribly. I have my son alot of the time but feel like a bad parent not being there all the time.

What should I do? Can I salvage this mess? I curerently don't call her but I see her when I get my son. I have alot of feeling for her still. She says she loves me but can't be with me because I throw her out when she lies or stays out. I am lost. I have been seeing a counselor and going to church to straighten me out. It helps. I realize me faults and how to control them now. I know if given another chance I wouldn't act that way again. All I want is my family back please help.....

[Merin]

Fuzzy, seems to me that your girl in on the rebound..... or maybe she has just found someone she feels is going to help her out with the kiddos.... who knows.

 

I believe that 3 weeks isn't enough time for her to make a good decision on moving this guy in with her especially because of the children involved there, so as far as i'm concerned that was and is just irresponsible on her part.

 

Maybe she is just that girl who "can't" be alone.... and you said that this isn't the first time this relationship has been troubled..... it also seems to me that she has a habit of history repeating itself..... she was married when she met you and it doesn't even matter if she was seperated because she was still holding on to the marriage until she made the choice in being with you. Looks to me that is exactly what she is doing all over again here..... instead of just staying on her own to figure herself out she has jumped into something else again......

 

My advice here is to go to court to get legal paperwork drawn up where your son is concerned so that your legal rights to be his dad and be in his life as a parent are protected.... and at this point work on making you better and you happy.... you don't have to be in her life to be a great dad to your son.

[jamwinswim]

Wow. Fuzzy, I thought Id reply because you had taken time to read my novel too. And although Im not gonna to give a feminine view for you, Ill try my best. From what I can see, I think you need to decide whats the most important thing in your life. I think the answer is your child, and obviously you need to take the necessary steps to protect your rights and access to something you cherish. Secondly, although you dont want to be 2nd choice right now, Id say wait and see what happens with her. From what you typed, she seems a little like a loose cannon, and like merin said with her repeating history, and then for yourself with the whole kicking her out business..... well its not my place and i dont know enough, but its not as if she isnt without reasons to leave you. But thats something both of you need to work own somehow if its ever going to work. All i can suggest is move on, that doesnt mean you dont love her, but that youre going to take care of yourself. If its meant to happen, it will, and if not, then so be it. Be the best parent you can be, and love the one thing that is going to be constant - your child. Obviously shes going to be there for life as she is the mother and you cant just get rid of her, but just be mature, grow up, and take care of the child and yourself. And after that whatever happens happens. Maybe not the best advice I have to give, but man..... its a hell of a situation.

[Sheba]

Maybe this will help you decide.

 

I know of a woman who suddenly quite her job of 10 years and left her hard-working, responsible husband and three young children for a "loser" man who was living in his car. This was a perfectly ordinary woman and apparent loving mother, of the sort you might see at any soccer game. I wondered if she would "snap out of it" and return to her family.

 

She didn't. She stayed with the "loser", she now struggles along on a low income and hardly sees her children. It has been years, and she has not "snapped out of it".

 

You need to find out what you rights are with respect to your son (perhaps both children) and concentrate on that relationship - forget about daydreaming that your girlfriend will come back. She may well be gone forever.

[BlueHeavens]

I agree with Sheba...it's quite possible she won't snap out of it. One of my best friend's co workers did a very similar thing. Apparently she went out on a date with a guy who was living in his car, and he came back to her house afterward...and hasn't left yet. I think that was about 5 years and 2 kids ago. What is he contributing? Who can say. Maybe your ex likes to take care of people who need help? Maybe she likes to control things and she is able to control him? Only they know for sure...

 

As far as your son, I think you are right to be concerned. Let's assume that she stays with this guy; that means that your son will be spending lots of time with someone whose choices in life might not line up well with goals you might have for your son. It means that someone who has been irresponsible to drive drunk without your son in the car might drive drunk with your son in the car. I have heard way too many sad tales of folks who drive regardless of whether they have a license. I just wonder if this is a person that you want influencing your son, even if he doesn't want to be called Daddy. That's really a presumptuous statement to make, when he barely knows you/your ex/your son! That is kind of creepy to me!

 

Anyhow, even if your behavior during her pregnancy totally stunk, her behavior now is teaching no good lessons. Your concern in this is keeping yourself sane, and your child safe. Hang in there....

[Fuzzymuzzy]

I need the words of encouragement. So thank you for taking the time to read and post your ideas. It is appreciated.