I don't think I am in love with my wife....

[Dugger]

Hello, recently joined but I have been having these "concerns" for some time now.

 

Long and short of the story is that we have been married for 5 years, have two great children but if asked truthfully I would consider my wife a very close friend with benefits.

 

We were together when we went to University and broke up several times (my doing) and didn't actually see each other for 2 years and got back together. Since then we moved in together and I have always been comfortable with the way things are.

 

I consider myself a great pacifist in relationship matters. My own parents split up when I was 16 years old for several reasons I believe (my mothers own poorly managed manic depression being the main reason I believe) so I was used to seeing and hearing her do "abnormal things". I have NEVER been one for conflict, I would much prefer to act like everything is hunky dory then actually face things first.

 

We married after being back together for 2 years, we both had (and still have) good jobs. I was content to just continue the relationship, never against marriage, but then again, not hugely for it. The main push was when my wife informed me (she believes she said it in a joking manner) that "My mom said that if you don't propse to me within the next year, that I am to get rid of you."

 

Well, naturally I was (and still am) quite content with my relationship so I decided that I would propose to my wife. Of course she said yes and we got married. Just over two years later we had twins and since then things have been going pretty steady.

 

My wife and I are fairly similar in our likes, despite our work ethics being significantly different. For the most part we like the same moves and shows, used to play games together (I am a HUGE gamer still) and share similar senses of humor.

 

Please don't think I dislike her, I care very much for her. Honestly, I am sure that the problem really lies with me more then anything. Despite having two great kids (and they are pretty great), I feel pretty disconnected to them and increasingly so to my wife. I would much prefer to watch TV or a movie then sit at the table for dinner. I would rather play video games then play with my kids. I know this is a fault in my own, I don't really feel emotionally mature enough so to speak. Of course I do play with my kids, but I am honestly happier when they are playing either with each other or my wife, while I just play on the computer. I KNOW that I should be spending more time with them. Just like my own father who was an excellent provider but we only really did stuff together that he made us do (ie. beavers, scouts, ventures, basketball) because he ran them and would see us. I don't hold anything against him of course, and he was certainly more busy outside of work then I am. I CHOOSE to not interact with my children and it bothers me.

 

Ok, back to my wife (sorry about the ramble). Recently things have just been personally declining with the both of us. She is pretty stressed these days both with work and with medical issues (ie. diabetes and a newly diagnosed dairy allergy). While I know this is NOTHING major and others have it much worse, a lot of her favorite things have been taken away from her (chocolate, cheese, etc) so our dinner are becoming more and more routine. Yay.... pasta again. Yes, we have bought non dairy recipe books and such.

 

In the end, our nights consist of putting the kids down and then either sitting on the couch together doing nothing, or asking what the other wants to do. She usually ends up playing on her iPad and I will end up going to the computer. She will then go up to bed and I will join her because it feels like the right thing to do.

 

We have sex occasionally, I, about 99% of the time have to initiate things as she never does anything more then tickling which I find to be annoying. Obviously with the kids around it can be tough, but we have sex usually once or twice a week. She said that during the day she is in mommy mode and as such isn't typically in the mindset for sex, which I understand, but also find frustrating. As I work shiftwork (nights, weekends, etc) and the kids are in fulltime daycare I typically have the entire day to myself during the week. As such, I have often found myself masturbating for hours at a time. I don't know why I just added that, but whatever.

 

Yesturday was more frustrating for me. I enjoy showering with my wife, typically it leads to sex. With the kids running around the house, she decided to have a shower and I jumped in with her. It was then when she hit me with the mommy mode (granted, my daughter was in our bedroom while we were in the shower so I see where she is coming from) and said that once we put the kids to bed that she would be willing. It was then that I felt very indifferent towards it.

 

I feel like a jerk here, she had stated that she would be willing to do it later, but at the time all I could think of was how much work it would take to do it,and also how frustrating it was that I ALWAYS have to initiate everything.

 

That has carried over today, I felt "blah" the entire day and she could even sense that something was up. Obviously I said I was fine, but it's bothersome that she can sense something is up. I know I should talk to her, but also I don't want to upset her.

 

She always tells me she loves me (which I feel is sincere) and I always tell her I love her too, I just don't feel like I mean it.

 

 

So, sorry for this being sooo long and rambling, but I felt like I had to get it out somewhere. I am sure I can't be the only one feeling like this but at the same time I don't want sympathy. I am sure I should see a therapist about this, but also feel like paying someone to listen to me is simply just a waste of money.....

 

Gah.....

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about paying someone to listen to your problems, it's about fixing what is broken inside of you so you can become a better father to your children, be more involved, be more loving, and actually feel an attachment to them. And, to be a better husband, a better family man. You want that? FIGHT FOR IT and do all that you can to make it happen.

 

Or tell your wife the truth and divorce her, give her child support and step out of their lives.

 

^ though I doubt you want that.

 

Go to your family Dr and get a full physical done just to make sure you're healthy. Though it sounds like you're bored/depressed and not connecting emotionally which is a sign of depression. Isolating too.

 

Yeah your wife was not in sexy wife mode when showering because your daughter was in the bedroom close by. Gotta give her that, even if it bothers you..

 

Anyway, this is fixable if you want it to be.

[Minnie09]

First of all let me tell you that you have more than the average married husband. A loving wife, a good income (two actually), awesome kids, the freedom to choose how to spend your time off work, you can talk to your w like to a friend......that's amazing! Be thankful for that. What is it that's missing?*

 

IC is definitely a good idea. The fact that you can't / won't connect to your kids speaks volumes. You're not tuned in to them. It's probably because how you grew up. They shouldn't be in ft daycare when you're at home. Try to keep them at home on your day off and DO something with them. The activities you share will make memories, and if you initiate stuff with / for them actively you'll benefit as well. Just do it. It'll make the whole family life better and your relationship with your kids will become closer and closer. Choose a more active lifestyle for you and your kids, and you'll see that it will make you feel better, too. It's something that you just have to do. Jump right in. Take the initiative. That'll help you get out of your funk.

 

Your R with your W seems fine. As you said, you are probably emotionally a little bit shallow / underdeveloped due to your childhood issues. Speak to a therapist and figure it out. What you're looking for lies within yourself. Your W can't fix that for you. Neither can any other woman. It doesn't sound like there are serious problems there, other than that you're kind of lazy/bored. That's not your wife's fault. Cut out the porn. Grow up! Exchange the porn with taking care of your kids and be more involved. It's not rocket science. You just gotta do the right thing. Fake it till you make it. You either want to be single with no responsibilities, or you want to be a person with integrity who cares for his family and makes them a priority.*

 

Your post sounds very introspective and honest. I appreciate that. You don't see that much on here. Many other guys would just blame it on the "wrong partner". I'm sure you can talk to your W about it in a mature and honest way. I'm sure she will be thankful for your honesty. You can get that resolved in IC and mc.*

[Furious]

Do you realize that you're passive aggressive. What I get from your post is you go along with things but inside you resent it. You won't speak up but hold onto resentment. You don't lead but go along and then fume on the inside and detach.

 

You got marred but you didn't really want to get married and make it appear as though you were pressured into it. You had kids but don't really want to be around them and resent having to be a dad. You would rather play video games and you resent that your wife is growing up, she's an adult with young children but you resent her mommy mode, as if leaving toddlers unsupervised whie you want sex in the shower is ok and then resent that your wife said later when the kids are in bed.

 

You spend your days jerking off and playing on your computer and when you're with your family you distance yourself and would rather play video games than play with your kids.

 

It's sounds as if you have a great wife who loves you, beautiful twins and you're resentful that you need to grow up and step up.

 

Get into therapy and work on your passives agressive attitude, time to grow up.

[tbf]

Your life has hit a rut of routine and humdrum where the two of you aren't connecting enough through intimacy, physical, emotional or intellectual. It's like you've drifted into your entire life and continue drifting through it.

 

Since you're financially comfortable and can afford a sitter, consider clandestine date nights with romantic dinners and hotel rooms, and a couple days away from the kids so you can bond again without distraction. Also consider doing things with your kids. Go to the park, play legos, show them cute kitten and puppy clips on youtube and watch them giggle.

[Mr. Lucky]

Are you by chance also having issues with insomnia?

 

Taken at face value, your posting exhibits some symptoms of depression. I've seen family members go through it and lose the enjoyment of life as they disconnect from those around them. It's insidious in the gradual change that can occur.

 

I wouldn't mess around with forum posting. As others have said, you need advice and diagnosis from a professional. Your family history raises some similar concerns...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Why must you think so much of how YOU feel? Think of how your wife must feel!

 

She should be resenting you!

 

Get busy participating in YOUR family life! Make dinner, grocery shop, do laundry, dishes and play with your kids!!

 

Sheez, your wife does all the crap stuff and works? Then you criticize your relationship?

 

You've got some big balls and a big ego - work on ourself - you think of yourself too much and others too little.

[Dugger]

No, I help around the house. Typically I do alll of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing, etc, while she takes care of the kids. I'm not downplaying that, taking care of the kids alone is a HUGE responsibility, and even though I tend to do everything else myself, I know that I'm not doing enough.

 

I'm not criticizing my wife (at least I'm not trying to) as she is great and is a FANTASTIC mother.

 

Sometimes you just need to share your feelings which is what I did last night, it was nice to lay it out on the table so to speak.

 

In the end my main concern were how I feel about my wie, not resentment, not distrust or anything like that, but as a good friend. That it what concerns me (amongst other issues as I have laid out). I didn't come here for a pat on the back and a cup of hot cocoa (although I am sure it could be seen like that) but as an open forum to share my thoughts with others and to see if others have the same concerns.

 

Reading other topics it seems like I am not alone and in comparison our problems are quite low.

 

That said, thanks for letting me share my thoughts and feelings.

[Mint Sauce]

First of all, I also think your attempt at honest introspection is really a good start. The fact that you're accepting there's an issue already at this stage, is valuable. Some only realize that after they've had an affair for 5 years...

 

I think the title of your thread is somewhat misleading, as you are not only detaching from your wife, but also from your children. You're moving focus to yourself, but perhaps not in a healthy way. Still I'd like to suggest the possibility that your life hitherto hasn't been enough about you. Being somewhat conflict avoidant, and seeing the great value of what you have with your wife, it's easy to push your own desires to the background, minimize them etc.

 

In that respect, your experience of the event in the shower is telling. For once you make your own desires very clear - the sexual desire is one of the perhaps few desires you actually experience clearly - and it is not recognized by your wife.

 

I think you could do well with IC, in particular to get back in touch with what you actually want. Once you have a clear view on that, you can hopefully establish a new dynamic with your wife, with more room for your desires, which could also positively reflect on your relationship with your kids, as you open up again.

[Turtles]

I think it's normal to have a little down swing once in a while and after 7 years together it's not quite as exciting as when you first start. Also hard to keep the sex quite as spontaneous when you have 2 3-year old running around. I also think it's not that easy as a male to connect with a 3-year old because they are a bit too young to do much anything interesting yet. If you focus on the positive: it's great that you are able to communicate so well with your wife, you both have good jobs, and you have the chores divided pretty well.

 

Maybe you just need a new hobby (and/or a new cookbook, what's with the pasta every night, lol). Maybe you need a job that does not require you to work night shift, that's very hard on both body & mind (my partner is a nurse and used to work night shifts so I know that story well).

[eleanorrigby]

I'm with Furious, you sound passive aggressive to the max.

IMO passive aggressive people swallow your soul.