eileen42 Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I recently started seeing a guy exclusively. We are both 23 years old, and graduated from college within the past year. I have always been aware that he has had quite a few previous girlfriends and I believe this is because he is a very attractive guy who is also, how do you say it.....well-endowed. Here is the problem: I recently came across some photographs at his place that really bothered me. While there were boyfriend/girlfriend photos (which contained no nudity) of him with at least 13 or 14 different girls, there were others that disturbed me even more. I came across photographs of 4 different girls posing nude. Some were wearing panties, some were not. They weren't very "artsy". In fact, there were a couple photos that were taken of one girl performing oral sex on him. It was clear from the angle that he took the photos. These pictures were in a shoebox and not just laying out in the open, however, they were freely mixed in with photos of family, friends, and pets. I can't tell him that I looked at them because that would show that I had been snooping (which I now realize was a VERY bad idea). However, I can't look at him the same way anymore. What should I do? Should I admit that I was snooping? Are these photos reason to be alarmed? Help!
MadKurlz Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I think you shouldnt do a thing. This was his past and he partied. You are with him now, so you shouldnt worry.
Fayebelle Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 You feel the need to snoop and he feels the need to keep naked pics of his exes- doesn't sound like a very stable relationship to me. Why were you digging around his shoeboxes to begin w/?
fredrolin Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Can I get a copy of some of these pictures? Didn't you have any sex before you met this guy? What bothers you, the fact that he took pictures or the fact that he had alot of women? I think you jealous and insecure.
Author eileen42 Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 I'm not at all jealous or insecure, the part that bothers me is that I can't help but wonder what purpose it serves to hang on to these pictures? And also, what does this say about him as a boyfriend...meaning, does he just look at his girlfriends like trophies?
fredrolin Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 People take pictures to have memories of the past. Why throw away pictures when you break up with someone? My wife has hundreds of pictures with her first husband; I would never ask her to trash them. I think your blowing this way out of perportion.
Fayebelle Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I repeat- Why were you snooping to begin with?
teck21 Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Memories of the past, of course, but naked pictures? I don't imagine I'd feel comfortable either. I don't see why you shouldn't talk to him. Let him know you snooped. I wouldn't be upset with my girlfriend if she snooped on me, I have nothing to hide. People snoop because they feel insecure or afraid, and unless it gets unreasonable, the other person has every duty to do something to assuage those fears, just as eileen's boyfriend should if he cares about her.
Fayebelle Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 My point is most people don't feel insecure or afraid in a relationship w/out reason. Did she snoop b/c he's a known cheater? he's acted differently? she's had probs in the past? The reason she snooped could be just as big a part of the prob as what she found snooping.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 What should I do? BONFIRE! I'll bring the marshmallows and you bring the weenie (his preferable). Or... You can mail them to her parents in the event they may want to include them in the family scrapbook.
teck21 Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Which makes it doubly important that she talk to him about those pics right? His reaction is going to reveal alot of his real feelings for the girl. Not foolproof of course, but much better than doing nothing and letting bad thoughts eat her up.
JoL Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Hmmm...... This is a tricky one. If these pictures were kept seperate and hidden away in some corner of the house then i'd say they are obviously a part of his past, MAYBE it's no big deal... Just like old letters, small reminders of your ex etc...things a lot of people keep for the sake of memoirs. In this situation it would still be totally understandable that you would be upset about coming across these, because KNOWING he has pictures of his ex's in such poses is one thing..seeing them would be a freak out! However...he keeps them mixed in with regular pictures..which says to me that 1. he should have more regard for the privacy of his ex's as its obviously easy for anyone to get their hands on these pictures (as you have proven!) 2. maybe he doesn't see it as a big deal, therefore keeps the pictures mixed in with normal ones. I can't assume I know what he is thinking or why he has kept these pictures...but perhaps the only way for you to find out is to ask him? Though the problem is.. I'm not too sure how you can raise this issue with him, as you were snooping....maybe bring up questions to lead into a discussion about past crazy things you have done?? This might not work if you arent comfortable discussing your past though. which leads me to my next question: do you not trust him? what were you expecting to find when you went on a search?
Author eileen42 Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 Okay, I want to clarify something. I have no problem with hanging on to pictures from past relationships. I have plenty. The "clean" pictures didn't bug me out, the naked photos are the ones that bothered me. The reason I snooped was (in my opinion), for two reasons: 1. My ex, who I was with and lived with for 2 and a half years, cheated on me multiple times. 2. This currrent guy frequently mentions previous girls, which makes me suspicious.
Fayebelle Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 YOU have to learn to seperate the 2 men in your mind. That takes time- but it is unfair for the sins of the old to haunt the new. Having said that- you need to explain your trust issues to your BF- then tell him what you found. He deserves the right to defend his reasons for holding on to them (ever think he didn't even remember they were in there?) Then- you need to work on building trust in each other. Besides talking about exes (which I do b/c I'm friends w/a lot of them- doesn't mean I'm not crazy in love w/my BF) he has not done anything to cause mistrust. But now you have. IMHO- the pics are the least of your worries. If you can't trust one another- your relationship is going to sink fast.
fredrolin Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Originally posted by eileen42 1. My ex, who I was with and lived with for 2 and a half years, cheated on me multiple times. 2. This currrent guy frequently mentions previous girls, which makes me suspicious. 1. your insecure 2. your insecure 3. this guys life will be hell with your insecurities.
Author eileen42 Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 FredRolin, I posted here because I'm trying to get advice on how to improve the situation, not to be told that I'm going to make someone miserable with my insecurities. Why are you being so mean? I realize I messed up and I want to fix it. Don't be a jerk.
Fayebelle Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Originally posted by eileen42 Why are you being so mean? Don't be a jerk. Agreed! MOST people here really do try to be helpful eileen- just like everywhere else- take things w/a grain of salt- and in the end you have to decide what is best for you.
HokeyReligions Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 What you should do is stop snooping. You said this relationship is recent. You are still getting to know each other. Would you open his mail too? Or read his emails? Exclusivity doesn't grant the right to snoop. What if the shoe were on the other foot. Imagine a guy came on here and posted something like this: [color=darkblue]My gf and I are both 23 and graduated from college. We are dating exclusively now. We've talked a little about past relationships and she knows that I've had a lot of girl friends before her and that I'm not a virgin. I know that she had a guy lie to her before. I caught her snooping in my private things. She was looking at photos of old girlfriends and other pictures that I prefer to remain for my eyes only. I thought she was a sweet girl and someone I could trust - especially since she's had her own trust broken in the past. I thought she would know how important that is. But now, I don't know that I can trust her. She's acting different because she knows something about me that I was not ready to reveal to her, and I don't feel the same either. How can I trust her now? What should I do? Will she get over her insecurities? [/color] What kind of advice would you give this guy? Either tell him you snooped and ask that you two discuss his previous girlfriens, the pictures, his views on sex and pornography, and your views too. You need to talk about these things anyway in a relationship just to see if you are compatible. You can talk about your own insecurities too and what you would like from him. Or, you can ignore it and decide to trust him.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I'm sure some of your apprehension comes from having a bad relationship experience in your past which, like many others, can cause us to become more guarded and self-protective when entering new relationships. You're still hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware…to the point that you are going to extreme measures to uncover any kind of clue that might alert you to potential risk. That; and maybe the fact that your boyfriend makes frequent references to old girlfriends has done little to give you any reason to feel "secure" with your footing. But more importantly, as Hokey pointed out, maybe the majority of your apprehension comes from the fact that you really don't "know" your partner as well as you thought you did. I think if I could put myself in your shoes, my "insecurity" might come more from the fact that these photos revealed something about this person (whether past or present) which might adversely shatter the initial image I had of him. Admittedly, it would throw me for a loop. I can also see myself (like you) suddenly second-guessing my own ability to accurately assess one's character…as well as externalizing those fears and doubts by questioning the quality of his. In short, I don't think the anxiety you are feeling is all that uncommon given your recent discovery. BUT---its more important to take a more introspective look to understand what has triggered those internal alarms. I think, by reading through your post, you've already done a good job of pinpointing that out for yourself. So…if I may bump a quote from Hokey: Either tell him you snooped and ask that you two discuss his previous girlfriens, the pictures, his views on sex and pornography, and your views too. You need to talk about these things anyway in a relationship just to see if you are compatible. You can talk about your own insecurities too and what you would like from him. Or, you can ignore it and decide to trust him. I absolutely second that suggestion!
Adunaphel Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Were was the shoebox? Was it on his writing desk/table/bed? Was it easily accessible? Did you already know there were pics in it? I think that if he left it in the open your snooping is not as bad as it would have been if you had got his cupboard key from him, gone through his cupboard and dug the shoebox out from a heap of other personal effects. I mean, if it was, for instance, on the table, most people would forgive you for opening it and having a peek. I suggest to tell him about it......but don't get upset at him if you can. IMO it is pretty bad to keep naked pics of exes somewhere they are at hand when you are in a relationship, but you haven't been dating for long. He might have not been thinking about them, and it might be that if he had come across them after you became exclusive he would have already put them away in some place out of reach.
SoleMate Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 does he just look at his girlfriends like trophies? No. He looks at them with the same fondness that he does his family, friends and pets - which he also keeps pictures of. Why not just ask him if he has any pictures from his high school days, etc. - that you'd love to see how he looked then - and that you'd like to see a picture of that favorite pet he talked about. You might learn exactly what meaning those old pictures have for him. To be honest, as long as the ex-gf pictures are G-rated, I wouldn't mind a few thrown in a shoebox. I don't want to see a gold trimmed album of "My Affair with Brenda" on the coffe table, however. As far as the X-rated photos go...a true gentleman would keep those VERY well hidden out of respect to the women pictured. He may actually see them as more about HIM than about HER. As in, "I'm such a stud - look at me receiving oral sex." Also, I would not advise letting this guy take pictures of you naked or performing sex acts, because yeah, you might just end up in the shoebox for his next gf to discover. (If there is a next.) Bottom line: A few pictures in a shoebox should not spoil an otherwise good relationship.
Tracy Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 My exB took a picture of me while I was doing him a favor.....I am in NO WAY sadistic or into anything bad or hard core. We were just in a moment and feeling a little freaky. That's really all there was to it. And, I imagine he still has that pic somewhere. I would have secretly kept it if I had it. Prob nothing to worry about. I wouldn't say anything.
Girlie Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I would suggest, though I could be wrong, that you're over-reacting to this. I mean, granted, I don't know the entire situation. You mentioned that he talked about previous girls, and depending on what he said, you could have very good reason to be insecure. But the pictures in and of themselves say nothing more than that he enjoys photographing some of his sexual experiences. Now some might think that's kinky, but to him, maybe it was just fun or erotic, or whatever. Just because the pictures aren't in the trash doesn't mean he still wants anyone in them. Now if you have some reason to believe he's still taking nudey pictures of these girls, that's something different entirely. And hon, don't feel bad about what someone else said about you being insecure and making his life miserable. We all have our issues. I've been cheated on several times, and I know it's changed me...Some for the better, some for the worse. Just make sure you communicate with him about the issues you have. If you don't get them out in the open and have open lines of communication about them, they can definitely tear up a relationship.
tiki Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Humans are equipped this thing called a memory. It's really useful and it allows you to THROW AWAY the incriminating things that leave you feeling nostalgic, yet it allows you to still REMEMBER. Sorry, I just wanted to state that. 1
littome Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 I was with a guy for total 14 years, He hasd pictures of others also, I got mad wanted them out of the house, needless to say we broke up, I could not handle the fact that there was a time that I was not there.. drove me crazy, since then would I ever ask someone to do that again, I ask (witch your b/f has already done) Please put them out of the way.
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