Should I take revenge on this married man?

[Andrea5]

you've spoken to his wife and said that she seemed nice and kind.

now she's some dragon lady who chases her husband into the toilet? try and process that for yourself. i don't think you have a clue who he actually is and what he's capable of.

 

i do think he's lying to you... there are many alarm bells ringing when reading your posts. i would venture a guess that he's a very seasoned liar, and that you are very naive.

 

again, step out of this situation, and after a couple of weeks you might begin to see things more clearly. you might be able to answer some of those questions yourself.

 

also, i don't understand what he means by 'foreigner girl' - is it that you are of different nationality or does he mean 'foreign' as in to the marriage? not sure what huge difference that would make.

 

Her first message to me was how she will go to police to investigate the whole story,she was really upset,and sent me few messages to my email and facebook "Please contact me",I want to know what kind of relationship you have had with him" after I explained how I just lied,she said:" Thank you,I wish you all the best in your life,I'm sorry for all this mess"

 

I believe him when he said that she is temperament, because he also stoped contact with me few times,because I was also rude to him many times because of his lies. He told once his wife is out of the house ,and he feel good,because there is peace in home when she is not there. I said "how can you speak about her in that way? He said "She is sometimes peacefull,but sometimes she is reall monster to me" After that I realized he is weak man who don't like to face any problem ih his M, so he look for girls outside.

He even told my sister how he wish he meet her first because she is so peacefull and he looked for that kind of girl his whole life. I was shocked. It seems something is not good in his M because he told me he will find other girl to make her happy after I wanted to "leave" him before. I told him how he lie about his wife, he replied: "I would not be here right now with you,if everythnig is fine".

 

But as someone else say here, maybe he lied about just everything.

 

He live in other state,we are different nationality.

Edited April 8, 2013 by Andrea5

[Andrea5]

So far everything OM said to you is basically the standard language men use to get women in the sac. They often say they have a wife from hell, that is standard. And many times innocent naive OWs believe every word.

 

He sent me message today , this one :

"I am absolutely honestly. Last summer and autums our marriage was bad and I thought divorce many times. 2 moths ago your send message for my daughter and she send it for my wife and other daughters and also my sister and my mother. Hold my family was so terrible. My daughters can't gone to school and my wife can't gone to works two weeks. They don't believe me. It was near that I lost my family. Then I noticed how much I love my childrens and my wife. I don't want to lost them ever. My daughter psyche gone very down and she try to suiside. Polices and ambulance take her in psychiatric hospitol and she is there few weeks and try to come normal, I hope so. I promised for my daughters and wife that I am not been ever in internet and I am not send any message anybodies. I try to be better father and grandfather and husband for my family. I want to life my hold life with my wife and childrens and grandchildrens. Never in internet, in facebook, message, nothing bad or secrets anymore. If I can safe my family then I am very happy and I respect that hold my life.

You are promised many times that you don't ever send me message if I answer for you one question. Now I answered and I hope you respect that. I can't send any message if my family can't know. Hold my future life I will be honestly for my family. Now I go to home and sleeping becouse tomorrow I am hold day with my daughter in hospital. Goodbye.

 

 

Of course he didn't answered on any question about why he lied me, and all promisses he made, he totally ignored what I asked,and he only wrotte about himself as you can see.

I think he is pathological liar,because before I told his daughters, he have a plan to visit me on 2 weeks, he said he will find other woman which will make him happy if I broke with him , and now he sent me this leter just in case if his wife found the real truth. I think he also lie about his daughter and suicide. He said he is the one who want to commit suicide and now he said his daughter also want to commit suicide just to make me quiet. I think he is very sick person if he lie about all this, just to save his ass. He said before only few days "Thank you,now everything is fine" after I lied to his wife, and now he wrotte how all is terrible.

 

 

I replay to him that I will definetly now inform his wife and said Goodbye too.

So, after all this I will now tell the wife,give her all details, because he make a fool of me,All waht I wanted is few answers and he ignored and talked only about himself and his familly. I will now writte one long leter to her,apologize and move on with my life. Is that ok?

Edited April 8, 2013 by Andrea5

[wisernow]

You do realize that this affair is equally your fault right? He may have lied to you, as most MM have to do to have an A, but you certainly knew he was married, happily let him pay you to sleep with you, and I hope you own your part in this.

 

Tell his wife or don't, but own your part, and please realize you are only telling his wife out of vengeance. You're hurt, so you want her to hurt.

Edited April 8, 2013 by wisernow

[eleanorrigby]

I replay to him that I will definetly now inform his wife and said Goodbye too.

So, after all this I will now tell the wife,give her all details, because he make a fool of me,All waht I wanted is few answers and he ignored and talked only about himself and his familly. I will now writte one long leter to her,apologize and move on with my life. Is that ok?

 

If you send it, you need to make sure that the wife gets it because this guy is going to be hawking the phones, emails and mailbox to intercept any evidence you send.

 

Unfortunately I'm not sure how you can ensure that she gets it, so sit on it a while and decide upon a good strategy before you strike.

Edited April 8, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[KathyM]

I would suggest you call the wife and clear the air. Letters can be intercepted. Call her. Tell her the truth, apologize, and tell her you want nothing to do with her husband and will have no further contact with him. All of what he says (the suicide, etc.) is all manipulation to get what he wants. He manipulated you to get you to sleep with him, and now he's manipulating you to keep you quiet in order to save his own ass. You are not doing the wife any favors by keeping the truth from her. It's good that you now wish to get the truth out there. Don't allow the MM to talk you out of it. He's throwing threats out there as a manipulation to keep you quiet.

[amaysngrace]

Do what will make you feel better.

 

It may sound selfish but you don't owe these people a thing. You are the one you have to live with each day.

 

If you feel powerless and this will help to give you back your power then do it.

 

He is the one who made promises and broke promises with her. Not you.

[Andrea5]

I sent her long leter,now it's late, I admit her. Can I post here ?

[Andrea5]

I sent her long message on facebook with some proofs,apologize etc.. should I now block her as someone already said, stop all future contact or weit for her response and continue to talk if she ask something?

 

What is better solution?

[Andrea5]

This is my last message to his wife, what do you think ?It is too long,but I couldn't writte shorther. I'm weiting for her response.

 

"Hi (her name).

 

I decided to writte my last message to you and admit the REAL truth.

After I talked with friends, they told me it's better if I tell you the truth, then if you live in lie. I didn't wanted to tell you before because he was in panic and asked me to lie to you. He threathen with suicide and I was forced to lie to you. On the day your daughters sent him message he said he is trying to change his creditcard somehow,he said he can't show you his creditcard,and he can't admit. He even said how his parents cried,how his daughter wanted to comiit suicide, I don't know is that true,or he lied again? I think he lie non stop.

 

I told my friends,familly and they told me ,he just use sick threaths to keep me quiet, which is not normal.

I will now answer on your questions:

 

1. He was the one who pursued me,he was the one who invited me to meet him etc.

 

2. Yes, unfortunately we had sex. Anyway, I didn't enjoy in sex with him,because he was bad and he don't know how to make love. I though it will change but didn't. Why I slept with him, I will explain later.

 

3. All papers with his creditcard is true and not faked.

 

4. You don't need to be sorry that you asked, I should feel sorry because I did not admit nothing in my first message. I noticed he is pathological liar, so all what he will say to you about me will be lies and nothing more.

 

5. I had photo of me and him, but I removed because he asked me, he said "you can post photo of you and me next time when we took photos because I don't like how I look on my photos,I'm very critical of myself" but now I realized he lied all so he was scared I will post his photo so everyone could see.

 

Now you will hate me with all you heart, you probably think I wanted to take him of you etc. but trust me, he talked all bad about his marriage,how he don't speak with you,he sleep in different building ? I don't know is that true ?

I told him I don't want to be with him anymore before our last trip in february, he said " I speak the truth,I think it's soon over betwen me and my wife". So, I was naive and believed, or better said I was stupid. He said many things about you and his mariage,he will divorce etc..so I felt I don't do nothing wrong, because it seemed you both do not love eachother etc. I asked him "do your wife have someone,what if she find other man" he said "It's ok if she find other man,I don't care" So, I though he speak truth. I told him at the begining that he should be honest, and how I will not accpet to be with him if he lie about his marriage etc.

He talked he will buy house in my state,he will help me in the futre, he talked he love me, he even said "you will be my wife in the future" .Now I can't believe what kind of man he is.Liar,dishonest and manipulator,thinking only about himself.

 

I think he is very incesure man,and he is great liar so the same way he conviced me in his story, he will also manage to convice you how I'm some "crazy girl" who only wanted his money, he will tell you all the worst thing about me,and you will believe him the same way I believed him too. If I wanted his money I could be still with him,he had a plan to come to my state on 2 weeks, but I realized he lied ,so I decided to tell all. If I didn't tell, he would come 100%, or find other woman to manipulate with.

 

My first message with all the photos,messages are true.

He even flirt with my sister and told her how she is peacefull and he always dreamed to find kind and peacefull girl like she is, after I attacked him because of his lies. He also watched other girls on the streets, he is the man who do not have respect for any women. He will now cry to you,say he is sorry just to save his reputation, the fact is that he would continue to cheat if I didn't threathen him.

 

I'm also angry he lied to me, I'm angry because he promissed me many things,and lied so many things. I asked him for explanation and how he could use sick lies,and he ignored. Don't worry,I really never want nothing with him again in my life and I will never contact him. I'm just still hurt and angry how stupid I was.

 

I hope you will overcome all this , don't think I wish you any bad, it's better if I told you real truth then if you live your life in lie. I talked with many people, and even asked some married women on internet forums whose husbands cheated on them should I tell the wife the truth, and they told me they wish to know the truth,even if it comes from other woman, so I decided to tell you after many days of thinking.

 

If you hate me, come here and beat me if you want , but please beleive me I would never be with him if he didn't manipulate with me. I knew he is married,and it's my mistake ,big mistake,but he said he will divorce and how he dont speak with you. If he told me real truth I would never be with him in my life.

 

I was thinking in myself,how you are beautiful woman and I couldn't believe why he would find other girl. I had over 3 thousand messages on my faebook between him and me, but he removed all when we were togehter last time, so he removed evidence,at least I sent you few photos in my first message,I saved all my tickets he buy to me.I tell to 2 your daughters,not younger one, because she is too young. You was offline in that time,so I couldn't find other way to tell all.

If you don't believe me, take him with you and come here,we can go to police on detector lie test so you will see who speak the true and who lie. Ask him if he dare to go to detector lie test ? I'm ready,because I don't lie.

If you have any question,I will answer on everything you want to hear. I apologize to you from my heart.

 

 

My second message:

 

I don't know what more to say, when we meet in real life,we didn't speak alot because he don't know to speak good english, and my english is terrible too. We mostly communicate only trough facebook and emails, it was dificult to communicate in real life.

He told me how I'm the first woman he slept after you,how he never did this before, but he also told me I'm his bigest mistake and how you are the only woman in his future life and he noticed after all mess with me how much he loves you and his kids. .Good,I'm happy if he think that. I just think he was not fair for all his lies he told me ,but now I will hapilly forget this ugly episode in my life. I hope you will too, What doesn't destroy us,it make us stronger.

 

I 'm sure now that he told some bad things about you or his marriage only because he used me for sex, I didn't mean absolutely nothing to him, he just spoke lies to get stupid sex.

I found out on internet that so many men cheat on their girls and wifes,and I was shocked, they all use the same lies he told me too! So, he didn't have feelings for me, be sure in that. It seems men are pigs , they will do everything to get sex.

 

He also was cold and distant all times when we meet, he didn't showed me feelings,he NEVER hugs me or kissed me, he would sit mostly on his computer,watch tv, nothing special,little talk and that's all. Sex was not good for me,I told you already,without foreplay and without feelings,he would always hurry up,and then go to shower.I told him that too after the trip.

 

He was nice to me and talk about his fake feelings only over facebook,not in real life, which mean he just watched me as sex object. And I wondered why he was with me,if he is so cold ? and then realized it's all about sex to him. Good,because who knows for how long he would use me as object. I hope after this he will never again lie to you or any women. I learned my lesson to never mess with married man and believe in their lies, he need to learn his own too.

 

So, you have no reason to hate me, because I didn't get his emotions,his love. I was fooled.

 

He told me he regret that he ever discuss with me after all. He also blame me and told me not to do bad to his familly. I didn't do nothing bad,I just told the truth. He is the one who betrayed his vows and lied to his familly, not me.

 

You are even much more pretty then me, but it seems men don't respect what they have at home, until they realize how much it mean for them. Maybe he learned now his lesson and how familly and wife is important.

 

I'm ashamed I was part of that game. I don't think nice about him anymore. Thank's God now it's all over,and I saw his true face. I know I lost now credibility in your eyes after he told me to lie you, but this is my final message, and true one.

 

I hope truly you will forgive me , because I still can't forgive myself. It need to take e time.

 

I will not bother you never again. I stoped contact with him too. If you have some question I can answer, if not, you can block me or I will block you, so we can all forget about eachother and this mess. It's only important that it's over, and it didn't last long. Of course if you hate me now and want revenge,you are free to come in my state and beat me or whatever, becasue I will understand your pain.. just remember I didn't mean nothing to him. I hope you will be fine, and I think it's better after I told you real truth. You was nice to me in your last message, and it would eat me up if I never told you what really happened.

Sorry for 2 long messages, I heard your people don't talk to much, but I needed to explain as much as possible the whole thing so you could have all informations, and I think that's it."

[Andrea5]

Regardless of whose fault it is one of the kids is reported to be suicidal. The cheating MM seems contrite about what he did.

 

 

Yes, he regret, but he will told them,I saved his message where he regret all with me,and I will show the wife if she ask for more proof, he regret and hopefully she will forgive him.

 

I'm not sure he talk true about his kid being suicidal,he would told me much before and I didn't told all his kids,only 2 older, and he told me his younger one is suicidal, but he said that just so I could not tell anyone.First he said he is the one who is suicidal,and then he said his daughter is suicidal one.

He told me everything is fine in his familly before only 2 days , and today he said all different story.

 

Anyway, he already know I told his wife and he said in his last message "My wife is only woman in my future life. I will never be again with other girl."

 

That's all.

Edited April 8, 2013 by Andrea5

[whichwayisup]

I sent her long message on facebook with some proofs,apologize etc.. should I now block her as someone already said, stop all future contact or weit for her response and continue to talk if she ask something?

 

What is better solution?

 

Why would you block her now? Why not allow her time to process it all if she needs to talk to you, DO talk to her. Own your part in it! Apologize to her. Don't just dump it on her, then block her. That's not nice at all.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Andrea,

 

Can I ask you a question? Did you send those letters to his wife because you thought she deserved to know the truth or because you thought it was unfair that he gets to hurt you and get away with lying to save his butt?

 

Also....did you have strong feelings for him? You said the sex was horrible (was that true?) and that he sometimes was cold and distant...what were you getting out of this relationship? Was it just to be taken care of financially?

 

I'm just trying to figure it all out.

[Andrea5]

He's not contrite, he's sorry he got caught and was lying his A$$ off with everything he's got hoping she didn't reach out to his wife again... which she did. Good for her.

Andrea, I woudln't block the wife until she has the chance to ask any questions she might have... but please know she might not believe you after you lied before.

 

Now the OP can look at what it was that made her vulnerable to him, own her part in it so that she can work through it in her own mind and come to peace with it so that she can heal and move on with her life.

 

Good luck. Do you feel calmer today?

 

Yes, don't worry people, I would never tell the wife if I feel that he is speaking the truth about suicide and his kids. It's obvious that he use lies to keep me quiet. Now it's over.I already told the wife, and maybe it's much better, I will tell you her response if she answer something.

 

Ok,I will not block her, If she don't believe then ok, better for him.

I don't feel calmer, I will feel calmer after his wife send me a message. So, I'll know whether I did good or evil thing by telling her.

[Andrea5]

Hi Andrea,

 

Can I ask you a question? Did you send those letters to his wife because you thought she deserved to know the truth or because you thought it was unfair that he gets to hurt you and get away with lying to save his butt?

 

Also....did you have strong feelings for him? You said the sex was horrible (was that true?) and that he sometimes was cold and distant...what were you getting out of this relationship? Was it just to be taken care of financially?

 

I'm just trying to figure it all out.

 

Because he hurt me and because it's better after all mess,just to admit the whole truth so we all can forget and move on. Me,his wife and him.

She also deserve to know, but I must admit the main reason is because he hurt me.Sorry, I know I'm evil,I know I will suffer because of that, but it was stronger then me. I yet need to sufer for this,but now it's late.

That's why I tried in my leter to be gentle with her, and I told her few times that I didn't mean nothing to him, so she could not hate me.I tried not to her her.

 

Sex was bad, without emotions from his side,I thought it will be better, I told him that,he said he will try be better next time etc.

[amaysngrace]

As you can see you have wrecked a home.

 

She can reflect on all that later. Right now she is dealing with rejection and betrayal.

 

Wow a normal person would use critical thinking instead of blaming her entirely for a situation that a whole other person also helped to create.

 

Where is your compassion?

[whichwayisup]

Because he hurt me and because it's better after all mess,just to admit the whole truth so we all can forget and move on. Me,his wife and him.

She also deserve to know, but I must admit the main reason is because he hurt me.Sorry, I know I'm evil,I know I will suffer because of that, but it was stronger then me. I yet need to sufer for this,but now it's late.

That's why I tried in my leter to be gentle with her, and I told her few times that I didn't mean nothing to him, so she could not hate me.I tried not to her her.

 

Sex was bad, without emotions from his side,I thought it will be better, I told him that,he said he will try be better next time etc.

 

But you chose to get involved and have an A with a MM. Knowing he was still living at home, living life with his wife. Do not put it all on him, if you didn't know he was married, then found out and you ended it all, that's a whole different story, but that's not what happened. You aren't the victim here. Yes, he lied to you, and yes you chose to believe a guy who LIES to his wife, by cheating and having an A with you.

 

She may or may not hate you, she's allowed to feel that angst against you. Don't predict or try to control her reaction. It isn't up to you to tell her how she is supposed to feel towards you or the A. Or about her marriage and her husband.

[Andrea5]

Don't be surprised if she is angry with you, you deserve part of the blame.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't argue with her, let her say what she needs to say and you should apologize to her. Don't forget that she is the one who has been greatly wronged here, you a much lesser degree.

 

 

I know, I deserved big part of the blame, the most important it's all over.I feel now better,maybe she will thank me, because maybe she would ask herself whole her life did I speak the truth first time or not.

We will see,I will post her answer tomorow.

 

Her answer will tell me whether I did right thing or not by telling her.

[Andrea5]

I have plenty of compassion for Andrea, but all her wounds are self inflicted. The children are innocent victims.

 

Could you explain OW logic again? I am simply flabbergasted by the lack of empathy.

 

Yes I sent message to daughters because I was crazy at that moment.

 

I asked him in nice way to answer on questions so I can move on and forget him,and what he did ? He started to talk only about himself and how his daughter tried suicide, I'm not that stupid.He said he want suicide,next day his daughter want suicide. He said once "I need peace,my psycho is down" I told him go to therpay, he said "Yes,I'm in theraphy few weeks" ,then he said "everything is ok now" so,he trying to make me crazy with his not logic answers.

 

Daughters now think I lied,and they will hopefully forget if the wife don't tell them.

He said how all his kids and even his old parents cried because of my first message?? That mean his wife and 2 older daughters told my story to his parents and his younger daughter who want to commit suicide as he said. Why would the wife or older daughters told younger one or his parents ? No logic, he just trying to make it look dramatic. And of course I'm hurt when instead of his answer to me,he only want to scare me with his sick stories.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Andrea5

[Andrea5]

Andrea, even if she is angry and isn't nice to you, it's still OK.

 

Maybe after you get a reply, you can then close this door and put this behind you and you will be wiser and smarter and not get yourself into a mess like this again.

 

Yes, this is something the worst I experienced in my life. I still don't feel good,was it right or worng I told the wife.

I'm trying to make me feel better repeating "many OW told the wife,and they didn't regret,they though it was ok decision" but we will see what will be in my case.

 

I will never again be with any men,not just MM. Now I feel sick when I think about married men.

[Realist3]

I don't know how old you are, Andrea, but yes you got used. It seems like you are mainly bent on revenge. What good that will do for you is a huge question mark.

[Andrea5]

27

I don't know too.

 

His wife read my messages before 8 hours but she didn't replied anything,maybe because I already explained all. She didn't blok me on facebook.

[Andrea5]

Time for you to start putting this behind you and learning about yourself and how you got yourself into that mess so you won't repeat it in the future.

 

I don't think you should contact the wife again, unless she contacts you.

 

Sometimes self inflicted pain can be our greatest motivator for not doing a repeat.

 

Yes, I'll put this all behind, finally it's all over. I hope they will survive all this,but it's better after so many messages,apologizes,lies to tell the whole truth, so we can all move on.

 

I will not contact her anymore, if she don't answer until tonight should I block her on facebook, because she didn't blocked me? If we don't block eachother, it's like we are still conected, I mean she can stalk my profile,and vice versa.

[Andrea5]

Andrea:

 

Please try to find out why your need for external validation was so great that you entered into a relationship with a highly undesirable man (married, lousy in the sac, etc). Most women don't give these men 1 second of attention.

 

 

Figure out why you are turned on when a man wants you for sex?

 

Forget the wife. She has been hurt greatly, but at least she knows her H is a philanderer.

 

BTW, don't feel bad that the MM was not genuinely in love. That is way better than if he actually loved you.

 

I don't know,I never had real relationship in my life, they always used me for sex, so I though this one speaks the truth,yes, sex was without feelings from his side,he didn't care too much, I though in my head "maybe he is like that naturally and he really care for me" and then I believed in his words etc..

 

You are right defintely,better if he didn't loved me,it will be easy for her also I hope.

[Andrea5]

You need to change yourself. Many men can sense women that want to be loved and use them for sex. And these women feel validated just because they are wanted,

 

Your value should come from within you. But, you want to feel good so badly that you tend to believe all the bullchit these men say.

 

I can tell you are a woman with a big heart and you mean no harm. But, you need a better plan.

 

Thank's, you are right. I try to be better person in future, and avoid any interaction with men.

I learned how emotions are destructive and I should always use brain,never to listen to my heart and emotions.

[Andrea5]

She didn't answer nothing, so I'm suspicious that he maybe asked her for passowrd (he could told her he just wanted to check the page about his bussines for example) and then removed my message. She or he saw it in early morning ,and night before I told him I sent her long message.

So,I'm now not even sure did she ever read it ? Strange since she was willing to talk before and sent me questions about him.

What to do now? I have her email adress too. It would be stupid if I sent her message again, or maybe to ask her via email: "did you got message?"

 

Now,I will never know the truth did she read or maybe he removed. What to do ? Or I should not do nothing now.

Edited April 10, 2013 by Andrea5