How much does race/culture matter to you in dating?

[CryForNoOne]

White.

 

 

 

Well, if they are changing their traditional mannerisms, then they transcend attributes of their culture. But if they change their physical appearance, then they transcend race, as race is the attribute of biological makeup which makes you look the way you do.

 

You missed my point. An Indian guy who grew up in the UK is British by culture not Indian. His traditional mannerisms ARE British not Indian, so he's not changing anything.

 

I know all about this as I dated two women who completely DEFIED their racial AND cultural stereotypes. The first girl was ethnically Korean but was adopted and raised by a white family in Sweeden. She was 100% culturally Swedish. I must admit it took me some getting used to her looking Asian but speaking broken English with a horrible Swedish accent.

 

The second was even more of a mindf*ck for most people. She is half Nigerian / half Swiss but grew up in Austria. She speaks perfect English because she attended an international school in Vienna and most of her friends were American children of diplomats or army brats etc... So people assume she is African American and have NO IDEA all her sensibilities are European. Many black people would accuse of being a sellout because she knew nothing, I mean NOTHING, about American hip hop culture...

[ThaWholigan]

When it comes to race - I'm not too much bothered by it. I've met girls of all races I'm attracted to. However, my preferences do tend to lean towards women with darker features, particularly of black/mixed origin.

 

I'm black myself.

[honeytea]

Interesting. To me, race doesn't matter, it's not even on the radar. That said, I'm mixed-race (half Native American, half Irish/Welsh). What would matter are looks -- no doubt, I'm kind of "shallow" that way (but I think physicality is important and people who say it's not are not being honest).

 

Culture would come into play, too... but I've been immersed in a lot of different cultures, by my choice. I love getting to know about new traditions, new people, etc. If he was willing to immerse himself in my culture/traditions as well, I see no issues whatsoever.

[Emilia]

I apologize, but I don't know you and I won't assume by your avatar that you are asian. What ethnic group do you identify with?

:laugh: that avatar

[CryForNoOne]

can you please stop throwing "black people" under the bus? besides, not all black people share the same culture, values or mindsets. and we are not so neurotic that we would call a black girl who grew up in Austria a sellout because she doesn't have an appreciation or knowledge of american hip hop culture! why would we expect her to know anything about it?? she's not african american so of course her tastes and interests are going to be different. i'm tired of people acting like african americans are the ONLY blacks that exist and we set the standard for what is and isn't black...we are just one of many ethnic groups

 

Hate to break it to you but almost every race has a small but very vocal minority that does these things. When you are the target of such insults, that's what you remember, not the 98% who don't say anything. I'm just reporting what her experience was that she shared with me. We were together almost 5 years and I only saw it firsthand on a handful of occasions and usually at places where you'd expect immature behavior like clubs...

[USMCHokie]

I apologize, but I don't know you and I won't assume by your avatar that you are asian. What ethnic group do you identify with?

 

<------ That one.

[soccerrprp]

<------ That one.

 

Again, I do apologize, but Asian women are beatutiful. That there's no doubt, but you don't date within your own ethnic group. Why? Is it cultural?

 

Again, I'm sorry, but does USMC an abbreviation for the United States Marine Corps? Are you Asian-American?

 

The reason I ask is because there is something else that disturbs me when it comes to race. Self-racial-loathing. I am not assuming that you are "afflicted" by this, but do you not date within your ethnic group b/c you have low regard for Asians, asian physical features or is it cultural?

 

Just wondering....

[USMCHokie]

Again, I'm sorry, but does USMC an abbreviation for the United States Marine Corps? Are you Asian-American?

 

Yes. Yes.

 

The reason I ask is because there is something else that disturbs me when it comes to race. Self-racial-loathing. I am not assuming that you are "afflicted" by this, but do you not date within your ethnic group b/c you have low regard for Asians, asian physical features or is it cultural?

 

Just wondering....

 

It's a combination of two things, neither of which have anything to do with culture or beauty. First, I grew up in an extremely white suburban town on the east coast of the US and never met very many Asians. I never had asian friends and I never socialized with Asians. When all your friends are non-asian, you tend stay in non-asian social circles. This persisted through college and grad school, so I never dated Asians simply because the opportunity never arose. If Asians are literally not within physical proximity of you, it makes it difficult to date them.

 

Second is based on your observation above about self-loathing. Of the Asian women I did meet, they are exhibited serious issues of what I perceived to be self-loathing, or at least only dated white guys. I will never forget what one asian girl told me once:

 

"I only date white guys, but you're cute for an asian."

 

If asian women only want to date white guys, then I will not stand in their way. So I assume all asian women want to date white men and leave it at that.

[soccerrprp]

Yes. Yes.

It's a combination of two things, neither of which have anything to do with culture or beauty. First, I grew up in an extremely white suburban town on the east coast of the US and never met very many Asians. I never had asian friends and I never socialized with Asians. When all your friends are non-asian, you tend stay in non-asian social circles. This persisted through college and grad school, so I never dated Asians simply because the opportunity never arose. If Asians are literally not within physical proximity of you, it makes it difficult to date them.

 

Second is based on your observation above about self-loathing. Of the Asian women I did meet, they are exhibited serious issues of what I perceived to be self-loathing, or at least only dated white guys. I will never forget what one asian girl told me once:

 

"I only date white guys, but you're cute for an asian."

 

If asian women only want to date white guys, then I will not stand in their way. So I assume all asian women want to date white men and leave it at that.

 

This is one of many pernicious outcomes of subtle racism in American society. When the media constantly depicts attractiveness and success as mostly white, male and slim, many, in some way, buy into it. Women want to change the color of their eyes with contact lenses to look more exotic, whitish. Straighten hair. Color hair, surgically modify oriental features from eyes, etc.

 

I am sorry you had to go through that. That stinks. Don't assume that all Asians want to date white guys. Not true, of course. I've dated a couple and that's not the impression I get. But then again, I am of Egyptian, African and Asian descent and raised by French/Swedish family, so I get away with dating women of all ethnic groups. Now, if I could just add 3 inches to my height and then I've got it made? No, kidding. I love that I'm short(er).

 

I wouldn't give up on Asian women. They are quite beautiful!

[USMCHokie]

This is one of many pernicious outcomes of subtle racism in American society. When the media constantly depicts attractiveness and success as mostly white, male and slim, many, in some way, buy into it. Women want to change the color of their eyes with contact lenses to look more exotic, whitish. Straighten hair. Color hair, surgically modify oriental features from eyes, etc.

 

I am sorry you had to go through that. That stinks. Don't assume that all Asians want to date white guys. Not true, of course. I've dated a couple and that's not the impression I get. But then again, I am of Egyptian, African and Asian descent and raised by French/Swedish family, so I get away with dating women of all ethnic groups. Now, if I could just add 3 inches to my height and then I've got it made? No, kidding. I love that I'm short(er).

 

I wouldn't give up on Asian women. They are quite beautiful!

 

Eh, it's not all bad, actually. If I hadn't been outcast early on from dating as an asian, I probably would have never had incentive to break out of that mold and improve myself, so for that, I'm thankful.

 

And I think the guys on here that have identified shortcomings about themselves, whether it's height, looks, race, or whatever should use that as motivation and inspiration to work on themselves and become more desirable rather than dwell upon it...or even worse, be convinced that they are desirable they way they want to be desired "just the way they are"...

[KungFuJoe]

I know this is going to come off as extremely judgemental, but it's based on my own experience....

 

I pretty much would NOT date an asian girl...again. I mean, not saying NEVER, but if the girl was asian, I would enter any kind of relationship with a VERY wary eye. I was with a chinese girl for 4 years, and dated a few asian girls (chinese, vietnamese, etc) and have been friends with more asian women than I can count. And lemme tell you...MOST of them have issues.

 

It's mostly asian parenting. Asian parents are either authoritarian, indulgent or neglectful when it comes to parenting styles. All extremes, no middle ground.

 

Parenting styles - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

If you're the first born son (or daughter in a family with no sons) then they are authoritarian but also indulgent. They expect you to excel in everything, but you also get the best of everything (clothes, materials, positive attention, etc). For everyone else (middle child, last child) you get the authoritarian treatment and then are also neglected. No indulgence, no love, no appreciation. You're still expected to excel, but just don't expect any acknowledgement. The only time you get noticed is when you fail. The one common denominator is lack of love.

 

Anyways...I've gone further than I probably should have, but I've seen it many times and also grew up with a very distorted example (I'm an only child and my mom is Korean).

 

Based on this, I feel that a lot of asians are closed off on how they feel, are unable to express their true feelings and emotions due to shame (from their upbringing) and have major self confidence issues (from being told constantly how much of a failure they are from their parents).

 

Not saying all asians are like this, but since this is a topic of racial concerns, I had to bring it up.

[CryForNoOne]

I know this is going to come off as extremely judgemental, but it's based on my own experience....

 

I pretty much would NOT date an asian girl...again. I mean, not saying NEVER, but if the girl was asian, I would enter any kind of relationship with a VERY wary eye. I was with a chinese girl for 4 years, and dated a few asian girls (chinese, vietnamese, etc) and have been friends with more asian women than I can count. And lemme tell you...MOST of them have issues.

 

It's mostly asian parenting. Asian parents are either authoritarian, indulgent or neglectful when it comes to parenting styles. All extremes, no middle ground.

 

Parenting styles - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

If you're the first born son (or daughter in a family with no sons) then they are authoritarian but also indulgent. They expect you to excel in everything, but you also get the best of everything (clothes, materials, positive attention, etc). For everyone else (middle child, last child) you get the authoritarian treatment and then are also neglected. No indulgence, no love, no appreciation. You're still expected to excel, but just don't expect any acknowledgement. The only time you get noticed is when you fail. The one common denominator is lack of love.

 

Anyways...I've gone further than I probably should have, but I've seen it many times and also grew up with a very distorted example (I'm an only child and my mom is Korean).

 

Based on this, I feel that a lot of asians are closed off on how they feel, are unable to express their true feelings and emotions due to shame (from their upbringing) and have major self confidence issues (from being told constantly how much of a failure they are from their parents).

 

Not saying all asians are like this, but since this is a topic of racial concerns, I had to bring it up.

 

That is my experience as well and I have dated or been really good friends with my fair share of Asian women. But that has been lessening with each passing generation AND many Asian women (and men) totally defy that stereotype. What you are describing is the "good" Asian girl who is really close to her family (even though they show no real love for each other, just mindless devotion and loyalty), and probably has 90% Asian friends. The problem is the ones who reject that stereotype seem to go out of their way to be "bad girls" and show all the telltale signs - excessive alcohol, drugs, usually a tramp stamp too etc...

[stillafool]

 

Many black people would accuse of being a sellout because she knew nothing, I mean NOTHING, about American hip hop culture...

 

My father doesn't know squat about hip hop culture and people don't consider him a sellout. Lots of black people don't even listen to hip hop. It's incredible the things people assume.

[Seductive]

You missed my point. An Indian guy who grew up in the UK is British by culture not Indian. His traditional mannerisms ARE British not Indian, so he's not changing anything.

 

...[/QUote]

As an Indian woman that grew up in America, I can verify that some Indians raised in the west can be more "Indian" than those in India. My cousins in Bombay tell me that Indians in the west are stuck in the 1970's. Why? Our parents came to America/uk in the 1970's, and passed on their values to us. We second generation Indians didn't know how urban India was progressing. being born in the west doesnt make you more liberal.

[Els]

Every time I click on this thread, I'm reminded of why I generally stay away from it.

[Emilia]

Every time I click on this thread, I'm reminded of why I generally stay away from it.

If I really wanted to laugh I'd try to explain it from a white woman's perspective, how it feels to be fetishised. I doubt very much there is much point.

[Els]

If I really wanted to laugh I'd try to explain it from a white woman's perspective, how it feels to be fetishised. I doubt very much there is much point.

 

I know, right?

 

Been fetishized before, too. Not sure whether I find it preferable to or worse than some of the negative stereotypes being slung around.

 

I guess I just don't see the need that I've seen in some posts, to put certain races or cultures down. Every single one of them has their good and bad points. Every single one of them has people who correspond to the stereotypes and people who don't. If the people we meet align with our preferences, we date them. Otherwise, we don't. Seems pretty simple.

[Emilia]

I know, right?

 

Been fetishized before, too. Not sure whether I find it preferable to or worse than some of the negative stereotypes being slung around.

Not being loved for yourself is not that different from not being loved at all I don't think. I'm guessing.

I guess I just don't see the need that I've seen in some posts, to put certain races or cultures down. Every single one of them has their good and bad points. Every single one of them has people who correspond to the stereotypes and people who don't. If the people we meet align with our preferences, we date them. Otherwise, we don't. Seems pretty simple.

I admit I find the paternal aspect of some cultures difficult to deal with as a woman as it has a direct effect on me but beyond that I don't really care.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

If Asians are literally not within physical proximity of you, it makes it difficult to date them.

 

Second is based on your observation above about self-loathing. Of the Asian women I did meet, they are exhibited serious issues of what I perceived to be self-loathing, or at least only dated white guys. I will never forget what one asian girl told me once:

 

"I only date white guys, but you're cute for an asian."

 

If asian women only want to date white guys, then I will not stand in their way. So I assume all asian women want to date white men and leave it at that.

 

I understand all your points here and take no issue with them. But, regardless of your reasons, I believe that the fact that you do not date Asian women yourself pretty much cancels out your right to complain about how "all" women who are of different ethnicities don't date YOU because YOU are Asian.

 

You don't date Asians yourself!

[Arabella]

I was one of those women who used to stick mostly to white guys. Not out of any racism but simply because all men who showed interest in me were white, and the one or two that weren't, were highly undesirable for a different reason (one was a well-known drug dealer!).

 

I moved to the US and continued to date white men. I even remember once having a conversation with a friend and stating that it would bother me if my child was biracial and all the issues that can bring.

 

Then one day, a Chinese guy came along... and all that suddenly didn't matter. He's the person I've ever been the most attracted to. I'm expecting a child by him, and we're getting married in a couple months.

 

And the rest is history.

 

Sometimes it's really not about race at all... sometimes, it's about the right fit. Some people don't find it with people from other races due to cultural reasons, not racial issues.

[ltjg45]

I understand all your points here and take no issue with them. But, regardless of your reasons, I believe that the fact that you do not date Asian women yourself pretty much cancels out your right to complain about how "all" women who are of different ethnicities don't date YOU because YOU are Asian.

 

You don't date Asians yourself!

 

What I'm getting from that post you quoted (and just that post alone) is that he can't date Asian women because Asian women has no interest in him generally, not because he doesn't want to date Asian women.

 

You may know more from other posts he made but I don't have that kind of memory log of his posting history.

 

Your stance fits more with me since I prefer not to date black women even though I'm a black man. I just don't find the majority of them attractive and, even worse, almost all of them has some tattoo that you can easily see, which only kills my interest in them even more.

 

I have yet to show interest in a black woman yet in my life. Unless I find a truly special one, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

 

Not to mention the stereotypes, which has some truth in them esp. in the lower-end of the income bracket.

[MrCastle]

Can't recall if I said this already. I posted in the first few pages but didn't see this point mentioned, but I didn't read all of them so sorry if I brought what I'm about to say up already.

 

I think this is more about cultural differences, sometimes actual differences, sometimes perceived.

 

For example:

 

I'm hispanic, but I was born and raised in New York, so I can't speak spanish, grew up in a middle class neighborhood, ate American food my whole life and hate spanish food.

 

The people I identify with most are those who grew up in similar circumstances, regardless of race.

 

I would connect more with a white girl who grew up in my area than I would a fellow hispanic who grew up in a different kind of environment.

 

But a white woman may see me and think: oh he's hispanic. He must be ghetto/must come from the ghetto, must be (insert any stereotypes about hispanics here).

 

I don't think people look at the physical features of certain races and reject them from that alone. I mean certainly some do, but I think it's more of "oh she's asian? She must be really close to her family and probably doesn't date outside her race," and less "her eyes are shaped in a slanted way, because of this, I will not date asians."

 

It's more of people assigning stereotypes to others when they look at their physical makeup and less about rejecting them strictly based on their physical makeup.

 

I have dated all around the rainbow, but they all had stuff in common. Similar upbringing, similar world views, similar tastes in things, etc.

 

I think you can date outside your race but it is extremely hard to date outside your culture.

Edited June 20, 2013 by MrCastle

[Arabella]

I have dated all around the rainbow, but they all had stuff in common. Similar upbringing, similar world views, similar tastes in things, etc.

 

I think you can date outside your race but it is extremely hard to date outside your culture.

 

That has been my experience also. With my man, he may be Asian... but our mindset, life goals, values, etc are very alike.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I prefer not to date black women even though I'm a black man. I just don't find the majority of them attractive and, even worse, almost all of them has some tattoo that you can easily see, which only kills my interest in them even more.

 

I have yet to show interest in a black woman yet in my life. Unless I find a truly special one, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

 

Not to mention the stereotypes, which has some truth in them esp. in the lower-end of the income bracket.

 

That's all fine with me, to some extent - though I probably have some issues with people who find a lot of fault with their own race, as it doesn't seem different than any other type of pigeonholing. But, bottom line is that I think "we like what we like."

 

BUT. That stance takes away your right to complain about somebody not liking YOU for YOUR race, since you dismiss an entire population based on race yourself - even though it's your own race you're rejecting.

 

Do you agree?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I only date white men. Just what I like and I have no intent to change