Unique Situation...... I think? Would Like Input!

[MaxGlide]

Okay.... I have a unique set of circumstances and am looking for guidance to make sure I'm doing things right for all involved. Gonna do this as short as possible, though I usually like to talk a lot!

 

Wife not happy, says she has lost the passion/lust of first married. Maybe wants a trial separation.

 

The Normal Stuff

Married 25 years, two kids, 19 and 21.

Generally things between us are good.

Respectful of each other.

We talk a lot about everything (well prolly not EVERYTHING!!).

We laugh a lot (I try to make her laugh every day)

We have separate interests but do things together.

We share same values.

We still have sex 1-2 times a week and she will have 2-4 orgasms. (When I ask if you are bored or have lost passion how can you have sex and orgasms with me? She says well a girls has needs...)

 

Things she's said...

"I love you as a friend, business partner, you are a wonderful dad, a good person. I just am not in love with you, I've lost the passion/lust like when you first meet someone"

"I'm 48, 50 soon, I only have so many good years in me, I don't even want to know how old people have sex"

 

The "Special Circumstances"

We work together every day in our business so are in each other's face constantly. (As a result we do things apart like trips once in a while, go out with our own friends, have separate hobbies.)

Knowing we were bored with our sex life we agreed to opening it up and allowing extramarital sex (as long as we were solid elsewhere, which I thought we were) I don't think we set up the rules firmly enough and there were some irritations/problems. She was even game to try a sex club though we didn't play with anyone else and in the end thought it wasn't our scene.

 

THE REALLY SPECIAL DETAIL

When my wife was around 18, after her mother suffered for years with a terrible illness, she took her own life. About one year later, her father in her words "died of a broken heart" and took his own life as well. She saw a councillor for ONE session and never did again. She was the strong one in the family of four kids left behind and helped everyone else with their grief.

As a result I feel my wife is VERY guarded with her feelings of sorrow and anger or hurt. I never really know when I really piss her off or hurt her. She internalizes it all, suffers alone and tries to figure out a solution on her own then says "here's the direction I'm gonna go"

 

Anyway, let's start with that.

 

I just really want to do everything I can to help her and if in the end it saves our marriage, that would be fantastic.

 

So tips on what to do while we are trying to figure this out would be great.

How to be supportive but not seem like a brown-nose.

If she is not truly attracted to me then how to show her I'm there without making her feel like I'm shunning her by staying away from her.

Giving her space without feeling like I am ignoring her to punish her.

 

Okay..... enough blabbering.

Edited April 6, 2013 by MaxGlide
spelling

[Mr. Lucky]

Very few that play with the fire of open marriage don't get burned. I'd start there as it may be less falling out of love with you and more falling in love with someone else...

 

Me. Lucky

[MaxGlide]

I realize now that it was not the way to go but I don't think she has someone waiting or is in love with someone else..... but I will see if I can get a definite yes or no as for there being someone else and see if the open marriage thing is part of it.

 

I am not saying that I have no blame in this but just that it is really hard to get her to truly open up.

 

Is our combination of circumstances too weird or not so out there? I find it odd to not have more input from this group.

 

I am ready to hear anything she has to say and have told her so.... Hopefully we/she will try counseling.... I know I will regardless of what she does.

 

Max

 

PS: I should clarify that we HAD sex regularly.... we have decided to not have any and to sleep in separate beds for now so as to not complicate thingswhile we work thru this...

Edited April 7, 2013 by MaxGlide
add info....

[Mr. Lucky]

Absent abuse or cheating on your part, very few women in her circumstance jump without somewhere to land. And "I love you but" is often the first shoe to drop as she weighs you against the options. It's a delicate balance on her part as she tries something new but keeps you close as a back up plan. Eyes wide open my friend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MaxGlide]

Well she surprised me and agreed to try counselling. Wants to go separate for now but at least she's willing to try it. Even felt it would be good to find one with experience with grief counselling.

 

Yeah I don't understand the "I love you but..." thing. That feels like a set up for her next move. Part of me wants to say "Ok, if you want to separate then you need to go the whole nine yards. Get your own place, your own job, no contact for a while."

 

But maybe I'm getting too far ahead I guess I'll see what counselling brings.

[MaxGlide]

Well we had another rational talk and I simply asked if there was another man involved or waiting to be involved and she said no. I pressed and said I needed her to be honest and was strong enough to deal with it if there was. She said no. By the way, I know that I am also to blame for some of the things that had led us here. I am not pushing to "fix her" but rather try to get things in the open and see if we can do anything.

 

We are not sleeping in the same room or having sex so as to not cause confusion. I told her I can only do that for as long as is needed, AS LONG AS we are moving in some kind of direction, be it to get the love/spark/lust back or towards actually moving on.

 

As for counselling, she now says we might as well go together to see where that leads and she can go on her own for her thing regarding her parents suicides if it might have something to do with all this.

 

So please let me know if I have my head in the sand with the way we're proceeding or if it is reasonable?

 

Max