Trust issues

[jangle04]

I have a fear that I'm being played for a fool. I have been married for seven years now and know that I should have full trust in my wife, but it is just about to drive me crazy. I have tried my best to avoid asking any questions and broke down and confronted her about my feelings. She said she has never cheated on me and never would. She would sometimes get real angry and said she is so tired of the questions. I have tried but can't help to shake the feeling. She even mentioned seperating for a while but we have talked it out and has denied ever cheating. The thing is she asked me the question "Have I ever cheated on you?" Like I'm suppose to know.

Here is what has led me to this belief. She has had an interest in trying new sexual things as in the car and talking more openly about sex. She has even mentioned recently that she would be open to the possibility of another woman as in a threesome. She has said a few times that I don't love her and I only married her because she got pregnant with our first child who is now seven. She also acts like she could care less if I'm around. She works with a bunch of men and has one close male friend she works with who is also married. I know him and she mentions his name constantly. She would also go into work a half hour early every morning and park beside him. She has said it is just a friendship and she doesn't even find him attractive. Since I have confronted her she has been leaving a little later now and not mentioning his name as much. There have been other things too but I just don't know if I'm reading too much into it. She has also always had terribe mood swings and always been really flirty. She had a terrible sexual past before we met, but that was ten years ago and I looked beyond that. I had post a few months earlier if anyone would like to know what other things led to this belief.

I don't know what to do. I am a level headed person and don't know if I should trust my feelings or I am being some kind of neurotic. I have caught her in lies before but feel she would never actually cheat on me. I feel I will have no way of ever knowing because I feel if anything is happening it's happening around the workplace. I can not afford a PI. Can someone please give me their thoughts?

[Breathe]

It's very difficult wanting so badly to trust the one you love but your gut tells you otherwise. It's painful - extremely. You heart tells you one thing and your mind another. Not many people will just come out and say yes they are cheating when you ask them. Only when you have some solid proof will most do this. Although everyone is different.

 

You don't need a PI to get the truth. You can do this on your own.

 

Buy a phone recorder that is voice activated and works from any phone jack. She won't know it's there and you can listen to the recordings hearing both sides of the conversations. The device will even give you the number called from or the number dialed as well as the time and duration. It's an amazing little gadget.

 

There are also companies on the Internet. One in particular out of Omaha that can get you phone records listen local and toll free numbers that have been called from your home phone. They can even give you the phone records of another person as long as you have their name and address.

 

You could rent a car and follow her or have someone else follow her.

 

Switch your cell phone to T-Mobile as they give a detailed billing listing the phone numbers of incoming callers. So you know exactly who is calling her. If you have her password to voice mail you can also check this.

 

You can get a spy-ware program installed on your computer to see what she's doing/typing online.

 

You can get a hidden camera (like a nanny cam) installed in your house to see what she's doing while your away.

 

Put a GPS system on her car.

 

Options are endless here. Just searching the Internet comes up with so much stuff I didn't even know was possible.

 

I know some will say spying is WRONG - but we're all different and you need to do what you feel comfortable with to get the truth. It sucks that we have to go to extreme lengths to get the truth but - none of us like to be played a fool.

 

Best wishes!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It sounds like you have some big problems. First, she has had a terrible sexual past. (Usually the past behavior is the best indicator for the future). Second, and most important is that you continue to catch her in lies. There is no reason to ever believe a liar and three, it sounds like she has some inapporiate relationship with a fellow worker. I don't see how you could ever possibly feel secure if you continually catch her in lies. Her past and her present lying is a disaster waiting to happen if it has not already happened already. I would use the techniques previously suggested. My guess is that your intuition is probably correct.

[jangle04]

Thank you!

 

That helps, but a lot of the problem I feel is that these things are going on at her work and I feel she keeps it all at work. She works as an administrative assistant. I know this seems wrong to think about someone I'm suppose to love and trust. I guess I'll just have to get over it, go on with our day to day affairs and convince myself I'm wrong until there would be some solid proof. Not much I can do about it I guess. Maybe I'm just letting my mind wander too much. It would be interesting to have a woman's opinion on this as to what some signs are that I should look for.

[Breathe]

Sure there are your typical list of signs to tell when someone is cheating - but in my own past - when my ex cheated on me - there were NO signs! I was in total shock!! I knew the signs and I'm always cautious, but he was just a dam good liar and I believed everything he told me and never questioned him (because I trusted him). We all make mistakes, and sometimes yes we are played the fool. It sucks.

 

Honestly, you can't just tell yourself your gonna make this go away and stop thinking about it. The only way to do this would be to not love and care for her. Maybe this guy is just a close friend. Maybe he is more. You need to find out more information either from talking with your wife or doing your own investigating. Allow her to know what is making you insecure and see if she can change certain things to make you feel better about them.

 

Communication is key, but it also helps to help both parties completely honest with each other. Good Luck!

[netrie]

Originally posted by jangle04

Thank you!

 

I guess I'll just have to get over it, go on with our day to day affairs and convince myself I'm wrong until there would be some solid proof. Not much I can do about it I guess. Maybe I'm just letting my mind wander too much. It would be interesting to have a woman's opinion on this as to what some signs are that I should look for.

 

Listen, trust your gut instincts but let it go. I would get some group support or therapy and work on my own mental health. She is driving you crazy. DONT GO THERE. It is not worth it. Seek peace somehow if it means therapy and exercise and other support.

 

If she is having an affair----just get out and have NO CONTACT.

 

Kids? Tough one here. Can she keep the kids while you leave for awhile? Think about solutions for your own sanity right now...

 

THINK THINK THINK THINK -------- Do not overreact.

 

Netalia

[Mary3]

I liked the one posters suggestions about all the cool ways to catch someone ! lol

 

Now honestly, if your wife is completely innocent , then you are definately driving her away from you ( This is assuming you are feeling insecure and are batting her with questions )

 

Assuming she is cheating...where does it ever end ? Where does it end for you ? How do you want it to end ? Will future relationships make you feel worried ?

 

I would work on YOU first. Get some counseling...get strong ...meanwhile if you can afford it....contact a PI to follow her around for a few days...if she is INNOCENT no harm lost...except for your wallet.....if she is Screw** someone then at least you know....

 

But I stress once again....work on yourself....love yourself first ":)

 

Then if you have to move on you will have a clear head and a heart full of trust to give someone someday

[jangle04]

I was out of town working this week and we had a long talk over the phone. That's a good thing that way our emotions wouldn't erupt face to face. I just needed her to talk to me and reassure me and she did.

 

She has never been easy to talk to because she has always had such a short temper which almost drove me away for a long time. She has gotten better. I think a lot of the reason is I got her into working out over the past year and she has started to care a lot more about her looks. Which is good she was beautiful when I first met her and began to let herself go a little bit after the two kids. She has now lost about 35pds. She was 5'10 and 185 now she is about 150 and looks terrific. I think it probably has had to do more with my own insecurity. I feel now that I can move on from here and devote myself to our relationship and my trust.

 

I can only hope. Thanks for the help.

[jangle04]

Thanks for all the responses. They really help. Well I thought things were well but I still kept having those feelings. I've hung out with my wifes so called friend at her company functions or get togethers outside of work before and had a lot in common with him. I have always had an uneasy feeling around them together though.

 

We went to a party some people with her work were having and was suppose to meet him after the party at a bar. We waited and she said she had to walk next door to the store to get cigarettes. I found out she called him to find out if he was on the way. She deleted the #'s off the phone and lied to my face about deleting them. Denied it up and down, but later told me the truth.

 

The next week my wife and I went out to a local bar for a few drinks recently after I thought we sorted things out. It was her idea. Who happened to be at the bar but him (30 minutes away from his house). He said he was just driving around and decided to stop. I know he had only been there one time before and it was with us. His wife just left him two weeks ago too. Why I don't know?

 

She said she didn't know he was going to be there and knew how I felt about the whole thing anyway. He sat at the table with us and we bull****ted and I went along with it's just my imagination. After getting back to the house that night we were sitting in the car together listening to music and she said she had to go use the bathroom. I waited a while and something told me to go in and check. I caught her in the bathroom on her mothers cell phone with him. She tried to throw it down and hide it when I came in, but I grabbed it off the floor. She said she was just calling to see if he made it home ok and thought I would get mad. Well a big argument broke out needless to say.

 

She has said nothing has ever happened and nothing is there. She said she wants to be with me and our kids. She even swore on the bible. We don't attend church though so I don't know if it means anything. She said she would look for a new job if it bothered me that much but hasn't made an effort to. She still goes to work everyday and he is there everyday too. It scares the hell out of me. Am I crazy or has something happened or was about to? I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know why I'm telling all this to people I don't know, but it feels better for it all to be in writing and I don't want to let some close people in on all my problems I guess. Please help.

[lena252]

I've been married for 7 years also. I am in my early 30s. Over the past year or so, I have been trying to get my husband to try new things in the bedroom (certainly not a threesome though). I think wanting to spice things up after 7 years is normal. I think you should feel good that she wants to include you; this is at least a little proof that she does love you.

 

Whether or not she's actually cheating, I of course cannot say. But wanting more excitement in the bedroom does not mean she is cheating.

[jangle04]

Well I have found out the truth. After months of thinking I am crazy I found her at a hotel with this guy she works with. The one she has denied anything going on. All I have to say is where there is smoke there is fire. She still denies it and says they were just there because she needed a friend to talk to. I almost want to believe her because I love her so much. It hurts so bad. I've probably had 3 hours sleep in 3 days. The fact is even after this she still won't admit it. Once a liar always a liar. She said she wanted out before I found out about this so now I'm going to give it to her. All I can say to anybody about this is follow your gut. People tried to tell me this but I just didn't want to believe it. Now I know the truth and will have to move on. I feel for anybody that ever has to go through this or has went through this. It is a living hell and I feel like I'm just going to collapse.

[paradissa1]

i'm so sorry your goin though such a rough time

[Bryanp]

Hello Jangle,

 

I am so sorry what you are going through. I wrote to you in the past saying that

all of the signs were showing an affair. What a gutless wonder she is. You finally caught her at a hotel with this guy and she still denies saying he only needed to be with a friend? She is playing you for a total fool and has absolutely no respect for you and your marriage. I am sure she has been screwing this guy for a long time now. You don't need this crap. She has shown you who she really is. You need to move on because she is poison to you. I wish you luck.

[jangle04]

Thanks for the encouraging words. You're right, she is poison. It is so devastating and the fact she still lies is even more hurtful. I almost want to believe her. I just can't imagine her doing this. I'm going to the doctor today to get something to help my nerves. I'm a wreck. She will be leaving in a couple weeks I hope. The fact is I still love her and just don't want to believe it, but I know I have to let go and face reality no matter how much she denies it. I thought I was losing my mind and she says I pushed her away. It eats me up trying to imagine how long it's been going on or etc... I realize I just have to let it go. Knowing would only tear at me anymore. I'm going to seek a lawyer and lean on friends for support and not blame myself. Is it possible to still love her and hate her at the same time? She said I was crazy for questioning her and checking the cell phone bills and etc... She said I was smothering her, but I knew in my gut something was going on and she lied. Now I realize I wasn't the one with the problem after all.