Ex Contacted me : How do I respond?

[ChrisC81]

C! Report that! Gross!

[Calvin's wagon]

Blindhope,

 

before making any decisions about reporting her, not reporting her, telling her&her family that they have ___ days for her to report herself before you report her, ... , or any other option, talk to a counsellor AND get professional legal advice.

 

I know money is tight now, but this might be one of the biggest decisions you'll ever face. The stakes are extremely high here - your potential liability, your consciousness, her liability, freedom& career, the well-being of this young guy (who know how much she will hurt him in how many ways, by not providing him with adequate therapy etc.) and everyone else that are connected to all of you people.

 

So it might cost you some money to get the professional advice you need now, but it just might be one of the best "investments" you'll ever make!

 

 

As for everything else - I liked the advice of other posters that you make a list of all the ties you have with her, and then write/think for each and every one how you'll cut it. I would be in favour of moving away, of stopping to help in the summers where you work together, of cutting all ties with the family (as for the dog, I think she&her parents have incredibly more pressing matters on their hand, and I hope at least her parents will understand your need to completely move on in order to heal from what happened). If money allows you, talk to a therapist about this as well.

 

And please let us know how today's therapy session went...

 

Best of wishes

[blindhope]

Seachelle

Thank you and that is some very powerful and undeniable advice. I am very sorry that you have to deal with what you've been through. People we trust and give to should NEVER take advantage of those who are vulnerable. And I am certainly going to ask today about how I can go about reporting this. I hope you continue to grow and overcome that what stands in your way from health and happiness. I have no sympathy to those who hurt in mistreat children.

 

Calvin,

You always have very helpful and I'll put and update after speaking with the therapist today. I know I have to do something at this point. This is bigger than what I am going through and it has been hard to decipher with my state but this board has helped put it into perspective.

 

I need to take myself out of this, because that part isn't about me. I can't let burning bridges with her, her family, revenge or getting even, or anything stop me from separating this issue. I know of a mental health"professional" who took advantage of a client who obviously trusted her with his healing and opened up to her.

 

She took advantage of the situation whether it was with intent or she too was vulnerable, she's the adult, the one who has been learning how to deal with situations like this. And in a short tie she failed at that. And she needs to recognize that one way or another. She completely failed at her responsibility..

[Chi townD]

Revenge? What revenge? Look, if you had proof that a doctor was touching his patients innappropriately, would you report him or would hold off because you would consider it a form of revenge and you wouldn't rather screw up his career?

[blindhope]

Revenge? What revenge? Look, if you had proof that a doctor was touching his patients innappropriately, would you report him or would hold off because you would consider it a form of revenge and you wouldn't rather screw up his career?

 

I agree ChiTown, I have to take my emotions out of it. And think about it like a random situation. If I knew about this and it wasn't her at the very least I'd report it to the programs management.

[Chi townD]

I agree ChiTown, I have to take my emotions out of it. And think about it like a random situation. If I knew about this and it wasn't her at the very least I'd report it to the programs management.

 

 

Okay, look... Then speak to her folks. Tell them EXACTLY why you need to move out and move on. As far as they're aware, things ended because....sometimes relationships just end. NOT because you discovered that she's having an inappropriate relationship with a patient as well as a child! Let them blast her; let them knock her out of the fog. Also, inform them that if you discovered it and you don't even work there, you can only imagine who else may know and that you believe that her career is in danger and possibly her freedom if this kid is under the age of consent. They will go nuclear on her. Then, she'll know that you know the truth.

 

No more game playing.

[Seachelle1]

ChiTown,

 

I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with the family. Blindhope needs to heal and I don't think "outing" his ex to her family will help him heal. I'm afraid that him reporting is going to be difficult for everyone. It isn't an easy road but it HAS to be done. And honestly, people turn nasty when you're accusing someone they love of abuse. Very nasty. His ex's parents are still parents and it is the rare parent that will take this news and not twist it.

 

This is one of the places where I get so angry about societal gender roles. If this were a male therapist and female young person there would be no question. I'm a feminist and I have a sign on my door that says "Cuando una mujer avanza no hay hombre que retroceda" or "When a women goes forward nowhere is there a man who is held back." I feel so much for male abuse victims. We are all human and we all can step forward together can't we? It's why threads denigrating one sex or another infuriates me so much. We are all connected. What happens to one happens to another. For me being a feminist means that I can be a lawyer and not be judged by my bra size and men can have all the emotional tools that women have and not have crazy ideas about being batman to be loved. Together we can all go forward and make this world better! I really believe that.

 

IMO, Blindhope needs to get far away from this situation after making sure that all vulnerable parties will not come to further harm. Blindhope needs to take care of himself. Trying to bend other people's opinions about his ex is not helpful. It isn't his duty and I think it would hurt him to try.

 

I've been down the road of trying to make lovely people see that I was abused by someone they loved. NOT fun. Still going to counseling for it. I was torn into so many fragments. Little seachelle fragments twisting in the wind.

 

Blindhope,

 

You said that you feel guilty because there's so much bad stuff in this world (cancer, Hurricane Sandy, etc) and can I say that I've been through some crap and what you're describing is incredibly painful? You are being strong but you can also know that you are hurting because something is wrong, you were betrayed horribly. Give yourself time and space and listen to your heart. You have every right to hurt about this.

[Chi townD]

Look, all I'm saying is if he doesn't want to pull the trigger and report her because, even though they're not together he still cares about her, then fine. But, if informing her folks about her behavior, then perphaps they can knock some sense into her. Get her to end the relationship before someone does report it and she screws up her life permantly. That's all.

 

He'd actually be doing her a favor. But, I feel that he shouldn't turn a blind eye on this situation.

[blindhope]

There is a lot of validity there. But I don't think going to her parents would work.

#1- I sadly doubt I'd have the strength to break it to them.

#2 - A big part of me agrees that they would take the defensive of why I am attacking their daughter. So there would be a mess and nothing yet resolved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is one of the places where I get so angry about societal gender roles. If this were a male therapist and female young person there would be no question.

 

It's ironic you say this, because she is a feminist too. And did spent a lot of her time and wrote many papers on gender roles. And we've even had discussions about teachers sleeping with students. If the male is the teacher then he took advantage of her, where as the male student is seen as a conqueror, way to go you got with a teacher. I really wonder if she owns a mirror.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Great to hear your replies, there is a lot of wisdom in your words, despite the understandable shock & confusion you're in because of all this!

 

Seachelle

Thank you and that is some very powerful and undeniable advice. I am very sorry that you have to deal with what you've been through. People we trust and give to should NEVER take advantage of those who are vulnerable. And I am certainly going to ask today about how I can go about reporting this. I hope you continue to grow and overcome that what stands in your way from health and happiness. I have no sympathy to those who hurt in mistreat children.

 

How did it go with the therapist today?

 

Have you had any luck in getting legal advice? (if you want, you can write here in which state you live, so we might perhaps offer you some advice where to get free legal advice)

 

#1- I sadly doubt I'd have the strength to break it to them.

 

What kind of strength? What do you mean? What are you afraid of?

 

#2 - A big part of me agrees that they would take the defensive of why I am attacking their daughter. So there would be a mess and nothing yet resolved.

 

That is certainly a possibility. There is also a possibility that they will recognize that their daughter needs help (especially given the fact that you've said that they are already angry at her etc.). You will have known you did everything "right" and everything you could have done to "get her the help".

 

I understand that perhaps it will be to no avail to tell them. But what do you have to lose if you tell her parents? Why are you afraid? And what do you, her, him & others have to gain if you contacting your parents (and potentially authorities) and they act upon it?

 

Is there anything else you're afraid of in regards to contacting them besides potentially burning your bridges?

 

Hope to hear from you soon! Best wishes!

[Seachelle1]

Chitown,

 

Sorry if I took an overbearing tone. I have to calm down when I discuss these things. It's very, very personal to me.

 

I see where you are coming from and see your point of view. I believed as you for a long time but it got me nowhere and I have scars from acting on it. Please don't take our differing views as an attack. It definitely isn't. I respect your take and respect you. I am always interested in what you have to say. I don't know you but if I am to judge from your posts you are a good heart and I am privileged to have this interaction with you. Thank you for sharing your opinion.

 

Blindhope,

 

You know, isn't it ironic that many of the people involved in my situation used to give conferences on abuse and helping the abused? It's so sad.

 

Given time I've been able to see how damaged those people were. I don't believe in the word "forgiveness" because how it was used against me but I've eventually come to see the world as Robinson Jeffers expressed it: holistically and kind of how TaraMaiden expressed karma as a series of interconnectedness of f*ckedupness and love and yes, hate.

 

Sign-Post by Robinson Jeffers

Civilized, crying: how to be human again; this will tell you how.

Turn outward, love things, not men, turn right away from humanity,

Let that doll lie. Consider if you like how the lilies grow,

Lean on the silent rock until you feel its divinity

Make your veins cold; look at the silent stars, let your eyes

Climb the great ladder out of the pit of yourself and man.

Things are so beautiful, your love will follow your eyes;

Things are the God; you will love God and not in vain,

For what we love, we grow to it, we share its nature. At length

You will look back along the star's rays and see that even

The poor doll humanity has a place under heaven.

Its qualities repair their mosaic around you, the chips of strength

And sickness; but now you are free, even to be human,

But born of the rock and the air, not of a woman.

 

Blindhope, my guess is that your ex has been through some serious trauma. The man that raped and tortured me was abused by his mother.

 

At this time though, her trauma is not your concern. Your concern is your own healing. Only with healing was I able to see that connection and holistic view.

[blindhope]

Therapist:

 

Well meet with the therapist which felt really good after one session. I know it's no magic pill but it allowed me to say a alot of my issues out loud and not feel like I've been overbearingly a downer on my friends and family.

 

It was the first session and a lot of back round on my part. She advised me to hold off on the whistle blowing until I can make a clearer decision for myself. I am not entirely ok with that so she moved up my next session. We'll see.

 

 

Going to her parents:

 

Also I fear telling her parents because I hate to hurt people who have been so good to me. I thing courage would be a better word. I doubt I'd have the courage. I know I've been down this road but I don't want to hurt her for the wrong reasons. And each day I feel like I need to say this in order to stop this mess. But even if she loses her license, job etc. That doesn't mean the relationship has to end. Age of consent in NJ is 16. and all appears to be "legal".

 

 

Each day that passes I find myself in a totally different place. With each point of view I get I realize that I never looked at it from that angle before. I am a mental mess and wish I had a cheat sheet to the right answers here, but I feel rather any answer will not only hurt me in some way but even worse hurt others.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi,

 

I can't post a long reply tonight, but I'd like to say that it was great to hear your reply!

 

I'd just like to ask a couple of questions:

 

Did you start looking for a professional legal opinion on whether:

- you had any duty/liability in (not) reporting this?

- if it was legal or a violation of her profession (reason for losing a licence etc.) that she engaged in a relationship with him as her therapist?

 

Also I fear telling her parents because I hate to hurt people who have been so good to me. I thing courage would be a better word. I doubt I'd have the courage.

 

I think you might be, in the long run, hurting them even more by not telling them, by not giving them a chance to help her now, when it might be easier to help her then 6 months, 1 year, down the line, when she might develop drug issues etc.?

 

For example - if she had serious serious alcoholism issues, wouldn't you tell them so they would be aware and could help her? It would hurt them to hear that she has this problem, but it wouldn't be your fault, you would be the messenger. On the contrary, you would be helping them to be hurt as little as possible, by addressing the problem sooner rather then later, instead of you riding into the sunset without telling them what's going on with their daughter, leaving it for them to discover much later, from perhaps a stranger/policeman, about her in a much worse state than now.

 

And what do you mean by courage? I'm not sure if the problem is that you're not certain that it's better for her/them/him that you tell them, or that you know that it's better for them, but "easier" for you to avoid telling them?

 

Again, it won't be you who'll be hurting them by telling them. She will have hurt them by her actions...

 

Age of consent in NJ is 16. and all appears to be "legal".

 

"Appears" - was it a lawyer or some other provider of professional legal help that told you this?

 

"Legal" - in what sense legal? That it's not a felony? Or that it's not in any way a breach of law/ethics for which she might be legally (civil lawsuit, loss of licence...) liable?

 

Each day that passes I find myself in a totally different place. With each point of view I get I realize that I never looked at it from that angle before. I am a mental mess and wish I had a cheat sheet to the right answers here, but I feel rather any answer will not only hurt me in some way but even worse hurt others.

 

I understand how complex this issues is, so you shouldn't rush this decision, but I hope you won't avoid making a decision.

 

Again, I'm not sure who you're afraid of hurting. The hurting has been done by her actions. I'm not sure what "harm" you disclosing it (upon advice/info from therapist, lawyers,...) will cause, other than her having to face the consequences of her actions...

 

And by disclosing it, you might (in my opinion) be preventing much graver harm that would be caused to her, him, her parents, future patients (potential boyfriends, if i may be blunt and cynical),..., by allowing her to not face consequences for her actions.

 

I think it'd be best if you get ample adequate legal/professional advice, talk to it with your therapist and your closest friends/relatives, then take time to make a decision.

 

When is your next session? And yes, like you said, no magic pill, but it did wonders for me...

 

I really wonder if she owns a mirror.

 

Maybe she needs her parents to be the mirror, no matter how hard it will be for them to face the truth...

 

Best wishes and I hope we'll hear from you soon.

[blindhope]

Did you start looking for a professional legal opinion on whether:

- you had any duty/liability in (not) reporting this?

- if it was legal or a violation of her profession (reason for losing a licence etc.) that she engaged in a relationship with him as her therapist?.

 

 

"Appears" - was it a lawyer or some other provider of professional legal help that told you this?

 

"Legal" - in what sense legal? That it's not a felony? Or that it's not in any way a breach of law/ethics for which she might be legally (civil lawsuit, loss of licence...) liable?

 

Legal advice I got where from friends who are police. So I'm not criminally liable, but I know she's open to civil liabilities(don't know about me yet), as well as certainly losing her license.

And I am seeking a free lawyer consultation provided by my job. Who knew.

 

I think you might be, in the long run, hurting them even more by not telling them, by not giving them a chance to help her now, when it might be easier to help her then 6 months, 1 year, down the line, when she might develop drug issues etc.?

 

For example - if she had serious serious alcoholism issues, wouldn't you tell them so they would be aware and could help her? It would hurt them to hear that she has this problem, but it wouldn't be your fault, you would be the messenger. On the contrary, you would be helping them to be hurt as little as possible, by addressing the problem sooner rather then later, instead of you riding into the sunset without telling them what's going on with their daughter, leaving it for them to discover much later, from perhaps a stranger/policeman, about her in a much worse state than now.

 

I know, and I think this may be best, to give them the opportunity to move forward on this first. If they don't then I may have too.

 

And what do you mean by courage? I'm not sure if the problem is that you're not certain that it's better for her/them/him that you tell them, or that you know that it's better for them, but "easier" for you to avoid telling them?

You said it...Easier on me. I just would hate to bring bad news and potentially be the bad guy to people I love.

 

And by disclosing it, you might (in my opinion) be preventing much graver harm that would be caused to her, him, her parents, future patients (potential boyfriends, if i may be blunt and cynical),..., by allowing her to not face consequences for her actions.?

 

 

I know, some part of me thinks she'll wake up one day soon and snap out of it. A what I have I done moment. And painful and reluctanlty a SMALL part of me wants her to come running back to me for help

 

When is your next session? And yes, like you said, no magic pill, but it did wonders for me...

 

It was to be every two weeks, but I got bumped up to next monday.

 

 

Maybe she needs her parents to be the mirror, no matter how hard it will be for them to face the truth....

 

This I fear will put her into more of a talespin, rebelling against her parents, letting them join me in the ranks of unneccessary bad guys.

 

And ironically when we first started going out I made sure her parents where OK with her dating an older guy, because I said I'd never come between family.

[blindhope]

Today was a good day, until that cold heartless b***h e-mailed me about the dog issues again. She has no emotion or regret toward me at all. I know she doesn't owe to me to be sad, or beat up like I am, but it just kills me that she can have this effect on me. Now I'm miserable and sad.

 

That only makes me want to send her boss, professor she works with, parents, friends, anyone she knows all the info I have about who she really is. I won't because I know in the end that's not who I am, and I can't let her get the best of me.

 

But I just wish for a minute I could look her in the eye call her out on her mountain of lies, and see the panic in her face when she realizes that I could ruin her career.

 

Every time I think I'm making progress, I end up right back in this endless misery.

[Seachelle1]

Can you block her? She shouldn't be writing you.

[blindhope]

Don't know about a block, I just delete for now. I can't keep going back and forth with her over my dog. And the worst part is she knows she's playing head games with me, she is one sick B***h all the sudden. I have no idea who she became, but when you start hanging around new crowds they tend to rub off on you. So maybe someday she'll be on the inside looking out

[RiceaRoni]

Today was a good day, until that cold heartless b***h e-mailed me about the dog issues again. She has no emotion or regret toward me at all. I know she doesn't owe to me to be sad, or beat up like I am, but it just kills me that she can have this effect on me. Now I'm miserable and sad.

 

That only makes me want to send her boss, professor she works with, parents, friends, anyone she knows all the info I have about who she really is. I won't because I know in the end that's not who I am, and I can't let her get the best of me.

 

But I just wish for a minute I could look her in the eye call her out on her mountain of lies, and see the panic in her face when she realizes that I could ruin her career.

 

Every time I think I'm making progress, I end up right back in this endless misery.

 

Man...how messed up.

 

Forget her emails about the dog. They arent helping you..

 

Im sorry, I havent been keeping up with your thread, but why is she contacting about the dog again? Does she want the dog?

[Ajax]

Blindhope, I've been following your thread and I'm sorry you're going through this. Your ex has put you in an untenable position. And I think that as complicated as this situation is, your best course of action might be to uncomplicate it.

 

Yeah, I know it's easier said than done. You're hurting emotionally from her betrayal while at the same time trying to decide what the right thing to do is as far as her affair with her patient, your dog, and your living as a tenant of her parents. This is no easy situation. But in simplest terms, what's best for you in the long run is to "walk away." After all, she walked away from you.

 

Walking away and washing your hands of this woman will ultimately be the key to moving forward in your life. But you're clearly a thoughtful and responsible person, and know that as it is you can't just pull up stakes and let the pieces fall where they may. So you're conflicted as to what to do, especially regarding the affair/abuse.

 

I can't tell you what to do here, but unless you have solid proof that something's going on, I'd let it be. Rumors and allegations aren't enough. If you're going to do something about this then there can't be any doubt as to what's going on. And if you can report it anonymously. all the better.

 

As for the dog, my stand is that the dog is yours. You've been taking care of it. You're the one it's primarily bonded with. Now if she gets to have it for weekends or while you're away, are you confident she wouldn't try to keep it? Before you make any arrangements with her, make sure that it's licensed to you.

 

I'm also concerned that your ex will use the dog as an excuse to keep you around and keep tabs on you, which is counterproductive to your healing. I think to keep things simple, the best path is to affirm that the dog is yours and that there are no arrangements that need to be made.

 

As for the living situation, do right by the parents by paying the rent that's due them, but find a new place as soon as possible. You can still respect them and be on good terms with them, but from here on out it's not their concern where you live or if you get back together with your ex.

 

I wish you luck sir, and keep us updated.

 

 

This is one of the places where I get so angry about societal gender roles. If this were a male therapist and female young person there would be no question. I'm a feminist and I have a sign on my door that says "Cuando una mujer avanza no hay hombre que retroceda" or "When a women goes forward nowhere is there a man who is held back. I feel so much for male abuse victims. We are all human and we all can step forward together can't we? It's why threads denigrating one sex or another infuriates me so much. We are all connected. What happens to one happens to another. For me being a feminist means that I can be a lawyer and not be judged by my bra size and men can have all the emotional tools that women have and not have crazy ideas about being batman to be loved. Together we can all go forward and make this world better! I really believe that."

 

This could be a whole thread on it's own. I get irked myself when I run across threads "Why Can't Men Commit" three lines down from "Why Can't Women Commit?" Well gosh, maybe it's not the gender that's got the issue, but individuals who can't get their stuff together?

 

But I love the quote and wish people would see that for all equality issues, not just gender. You'll forgive me if I still fantasize about being Batman though.

[cdt76]

My question after reading all this:

 

How do you know they have had a physical relationship while he has been detained in a juvenile facility? What kind of proof do you have? I've worked in those places and privacy to do the deed is almost impossible. And if there is privacy where are you getting your proof? Don't go all Rambo just yet.

[blindhope]

Man...how messed up.

 

Forget her emails about the dog. They arent helping you..

 

Im sorry, I havent been keeping up with your thread, but why is she contacting about the dog again? Does she want the dog?

 

 

She contacted me looking to discuss how to handle custody of our dog. the e-mail started with a bunch of cliches -Cliff Notes

- My intention has never been to hurt you (and I think you know me well enough to know that)

-This wasn't an easy decision and I hope you don't think it was one I made lightly.

-You were my best friend and it kills me that I've caused you pain. I never wanted to be the source of any hurt for you but I also have to do what's best for me.

-I have a lot of stuff to work on and that has been my focus. My unhappiness with myself wasn't healthy for our relationship.

 

-My dad told me you are moving out (which obviously I get) but we do need to talk about (our dog)then. She's both of ours and we both love her so much. So we need to figure out how to work this. I think it's best to communicate through email if possible- I think meeting in person would be too hard on both of us.

 

A lot of BS fluff to get what she wants. She's not ready to be in a relationship but yet I know she jumped immediately into one and a very complicated and risky one at that. And this wasn't easy but in her words to a friend via text which I saw:

" He finally put single on his FB and I was all excited cuz I've been wanting to put it since jan but I didn't want to be an ******* but I'm not single anymore hahahah not that I'm complaining at all just thought it was funny lol"

Now if that isn't contradicting to what she e-mailed me, and cold what is. She moved out to think the last week in January and then finally broke up with me(Never actually said the words) 2nd week in February.

[blindhope]

My question after reading all this:

 

How do you know they have had a physical relationship while he has been detained in a juvenile facility? What kind of proof do you have? I've worked in those places and privacy to do the deed is almost impossible. And if there is privacy where are you getting your proof? Don't go all Rambo just yet.

 

 

I have text messages she sent through email. She classified her relatioship as seen by her peers as

"they'd know bc they already thought our boundaries were completely blurred n they saw the way I looked at u."

That was while he was in the facility. After the facility she's mentioned sex in the email/texts with him.

[blindhope]

Not going to lie the pain of re-reading these is like shoving a knife into my stomach and making me want to forward the entire thing to her boss, a professor she's working for, the licensing committee, then rent a billboard!

 

She is such a different person,and not just how she acts about me, her shes a b**** with friends and family too.

[Ajax]

She contacted me looking to discuss how to handle custody of our dog. the e-mail started with a bunch of cliches -Cliff Notes

- My intention has never been to hurt you (and I think you know me well enough to know that)

-This wasn't an easy decision and I hope you don't think it was one I made lightly.

-You were my best friend and it kills me that I've caused you pain. I never wanted to be the source of any hurt for you but I also have to do what's best for me.

-I have a lot of stuff to work on and that has been my focus. My unhappiness with myself wasn't healthy for our relationship.

 

 

I love when people assure you that they never intended to hurt you. Well unless you're a terrible person you never intend to hurt another person. But negligence is still a crime,and regardless of her intentions you have to pick up the pieces as best you can. And as cliched as it is, no contact with her is probably your best course.

 

How did you get your hands on these emails?

[blindhope]

I set up her email for her. And when we first broke up I sent her an email. After 2 days of no response I went ex bf crazy and checked if she read, deleted etc and saw the transcripts.

And her weekend job she can't get phone reception so she needs to use that to txt her boy toy.

 

 

As for anything she sends me now is going straight to trash. I've said my peace and can't deal with her. I need to get away from this mess.

Edited April 10, 2013 by blindhope