Ex Contacted me : How do I respond?

[blindhope]

So my ex gf has contacted me twice now wanting to make "arrangements" for our dog. I have ignored her, but now I think I need to reply. She will not get my pup! I could use some advice and sorry for those who have heard it but here goes...

 

Short story 7 year stable no fights or break-ups relationship, her talking marriage. Then she(26) left me over -2 months ago now, needed space and wasn't in a good place mentally to be in a relationship.

 

Truth was she just started a new job after graduating college and in a counselor at adolencense drug rehab. She left to date her first client(17 or 18). If I knew he was for sure under age I would have already reported her. She's secretly dating him and has no idea I know.

 

 

 

Now how to I respond:

 

a) Throw the whole mess in her face, her lies and crazy wrong relationship.

 

b) take the high road , as this relationship most likely will blow up in her face rather than me outing them and pushing them together

 

c) keep my quiet and cool and report her. Ruining her career, but again probably pushing them together.

 

d) Open to suggestions.

[Harradin]

I'd do b.) and c.), take the high road and report her. Its not fair on the 17/18 year old, sounds very selfish/wrong of her to do so as it sounds like she's taking advantage of him.

[all_cats_rgray]

I'd take the high road.

 

It is pretty gross that she's dating a 17. But is pass the age of consent right?

 

The police can't do much in that regard.

 

You could make her lose her job, I guess. But I don't think it will make you feel better.

 

They say the best revenge is indifference.

[Amelie1980]

I would go with c and report her. Not to be spiteful but because she is abusing her position of trust and exploiting her position with a vulnerable young adult. if you have proof all the better.

[Mack05]

Reporting her....Don't do it. Why? Cause it means stooping lower then she did. Rise above her petty behaviour mate. You will thank yourself in the long run.

 

As for the dog. I love dogs. In truth, I am not sure how to handle that one. I wouldn't give my dog up for anyone. This is a tough situation. Maybe the dog is a game for her. Maybe she really misses the dog...I dunno..

 

Other LS members?

[thefooloftheyear]

It sucks..What a POS...What the hell is she thinking? And they say that all men do is think with their dicks.!

 

As for the dog, if I was you I would adopt it out to someone else if she wants you to take it. I love animals, but if you take the dog, it will be a constant reminder of the miserable ex that screwed you over...Not fair to you-OR the dog!

 

TFOY

[destroyed4sho]

take the high road. dont report them. she will be found out eventually by coworkers....she will mess up her own life all by herself.

dont let her take the dog!!

[Thunderchild]

If she's not breaking the law - she's definitely violating her professional trust. Drug dependent adolescents are a vulnerable group. A quiet anonymous note to her employers (or a coworker) is in order, especially if she doesn't know that you know.

 

As for the dog - keep it. If the dog lives with you (you feed it, house it, care for it), then you have custody. Tell her firmly and politely to go and get her own mutt.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

What did the counsellor say (iirc, you mentioned having an appointement scheduled for this/last week)?

 

Did you consult any legal experts or therapist organizations to check regarding potential legal liability etc., like I suggested?

 

Has your rapport with her parents changed in anything (are they more hostile etc., how would they react if you choose to leave with the dog,...?)?

 

I'll reply tomorrow, after you reply. I remember we spoke a few days ago - I still believe that before you make any big decisions you should talk to a counsellor (about your emotions, her behaviour,...)and someone (preferable a lawyer, maybe pro bono) who can give you reliable information about your potential (criminal/tort) liability if you choose to not disclose what you know etc.

 

Best wishes!

[blindhope]

Hi:)

 

What did the counsellor say (iirc, you mentioned having an appointement scheduled for this/last week)?

 

Did you consult any legal experts or therapist organizations to check regarding potential legal liability etc., like I suggested?

 

Has your rapport with her parents changed in anything (are they more hostile etc., how would they react if you choose to leave with the dog,...?)?

 

Meeting a counselor on Monday. Really need to run all this reporting and ethical stuff by her I think before I do anything. As you can see I am still flip flopping after a week.

 

I really should speak to counsel, to ask about my liability. I don't want her ruining my life even more.

 

Her parents have been nice still but I can tell since I told her dad that - he needs to take this opportunity to fix his relationship with his daughter and Ill be fine- I think I offended him a little. But I think his major concerns is the pup, he loves this dog. And I think if I just left with the dog they'd take it personal. I feel like they are separating my relationship with them, and my relationship with her. And they spend enough time with my dog that "Id be taking the dog from them"

[blindhope]

Thanks everyone,

Part of me wishes I could be the vindictive ex, and go all out. But I think that would just make it all worse even for me, so I'm leaning towards staying civil and the high road. If she wants to turn this into a messy mudslinging break-up Ill let her go there first.

 

As far as reporting Im stuck:

 

Am I reporting her to get back and get even, make her world come tumbling down?

OR

Am I pathetically not reporting her because of the finality, then every thing is severed for ever?

[Damsel in Distress]

Relationships between therapist and clients outside of the therapeutic relationship are called "dual relationships". Ethics codes have guidelines on sexual or non-sexual (business, friendship, etc) dual relationships with both current and former clients, both adults or minors.

 

I think what is more important for you to decide is what your motivation would be for reporting, and how it would affect you. It certainly seems to go against the philosophy of NC - it would no doubt result in her taking up a large amount of your brain space.

 

So sorry you are in such a difficult situation

[blindhope]

.

 

I think what is more important for you to decide is what your motivation would be for reporting, and how it would affect you. It certainly seems to go against the philosophy of NC - it would no doubt result in her taking up a large amount of your brain space.

 

Thanks Damsel, This is what I've been fighting with, each day brings new emotions, rational, and motives. Because I am like most people here I'm going through may feelings/moods/emotions/perspectives each day I don' t have a clue what my motivation is.

 

The one thing I do know, is she needs help.

[Mack05]

The one thing I do know, is she needs help.

 

She does need help, but SHE is not your problem. You need 'help' more then she does, so that is where all your focus needs to be right now. What will happen with your ex, will happen with your ex.

 

Focus on your flaws, focus on self improvement. Try turn your weaknesses into strengths.

 

Get the situation resolved with the dog ASAP and move forward with your life. Trust me when I tell you reporting her will solve nothing and it won't make you feel better.

[denxnis]

I had the chance to ruin my exe's life, instead I went NC and little by little removed her from my life.

 

She wasn't the one, if she is willing to risk her career and your relationship for someone else who is to say she wouldn't have done it when you two were married?

 

It sucks but you need to move on and forget about her for good. Everybody wants revenge but it will come to her in time; don't do it yourself, it may feel good now but in the future you may regret it.

[Seachelle1]

If my therapist had started a relationship with me when I was 17 or 18 I probably would have killed myself.

 

For his sake I think you need to report. If you're in the US she'll lose her therapist license. It breaks every code of therapy for her to engage in a relationship. It is termed a trust relationship due to the fragile nature of the one receiving therapy and the extreme responsibility/trust bestowed on the therapist. You may even have a legal obligation to report.

 

You don't even need to do it with your name attached. You don't have to get involved. Just send the incriminating evidence to the board.

 

I'd do it simply because I know the harm this relationship can cause. These aren't technical laws, they were made because these actions really hurt people.

[blindhope]

This is what I've got so far? any advice?

 

"My plans have included her continuing to live with me. I will not try and keep her completely from your family though. I certainly think with everyone involved we can make arrangements to have her there to visit regularly or when when she will be alone for extended periods of time, or I am away etc. I hope this works for you as you know she will be well taken care of and loved."

 

 

 

What do you think?

[blindhope]

So just before I sent the e-mail, my ex's father contacted me. Telling me he and and his wife want me to stay. (I rent a house from them, very cheaply I might add.) He even lowered my rent when the ex moved out. But he fears that with me gone, I will become "out of sight, out of mind" and make it tougher for a "re-connection" . Continues to be supportive and be on my side in this matter. Makes me feel good that he is "FURIOUS" with how she handled it and is acting.

 

They really know how to make it tough one me. But I don't think they know the whole story an how any re-connection went out the window with her crossing that line.

 

I sent the cold message but clear message(above) to her and am waiting to hear her next dagger she can throw at me.

[ThatJustHappened]

Relationships between therapist and clients outside of the therapeutic relationship are called "dual relationships". Ethics codes have guidelines on sexual or non-sexual (business, friendship, etc) dual relationships with both current and former clients, both adults or minors.

 

I think what is more important for you to decide is what your motivation would be for reporting, and how it would affect you. It certainly seems to go against the philosophy of NC - it would no doubt result in her taking up a large amount of your brain space.

 

So sorry you are in such a difficult situation

 

I disagree with this. The ex is in a position of power and she's taking advantage of a vulnerable young teenager who is emotionally unstable and who depends on her to help him. What she's doing is disgusting and could do irreparable damage to the young man she's dating.

 

OP, I think you should put your own feelings aside on this one and report her for the sake of the kid she's f***ing with and potentially screwing for life. This could be dangerous for him.

 

And PS..keep reminding yourself that your ex is in gross violation of her position's code of ethics, and that she's taking advantage of a vulnerable young boy who is in a lot of pain. What she's doing is vile. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

[blindhope]

When I'm thinking rationally I want no part of her or the sh*t show she has become. But I was with her so long and had it ingrained that we would be together forever. So that I know, no matter how disgusted I am, will take time to overcome and see myself without her(the old her).

 

As for the kid, I don't know about a lot of pain. He is a drug addict in a mandatory detention center. He was arrested and instead of jail because he was a minor he was sent there. Most likely as a plea to avoid a more rigid juvenile detention center.

 

I do agree she's abusing her position and completely not acceptable and deserves anything career wise she gets when it all hits the fan.

[ThatJustHappened]

When I'm thinking rationally I want no part of her or the sh*t show she has become. But I was with her so long and had it ingrained that we would be together forever. So that I know, no matter how disgusted I am, will take time to overcome and see myself without her(the old her).

 

As for the kid, I don't know about a lot of pain. He is a drug addict in a mandatory detention center. He was arrested and instead of jail because he was a minor he was sent there. Most likely as a plea to avoid a more rigid juvenile detention center.

 

I do agree she's abusing her position and completely not acceptable and deserves anything career wise she gets when it all hits the fan.

 

Drug addiction IS painful. I know some people think that the pain is deserved because the addiction is self-inflicted, but the poor kid is still going through a helluva lot, and she needs to be reported before she damages any more patients. If it's not illegal, it's at the very least extremely immoral.

[blindhope]

Drug addiction IS painful. I know some people think that the pain is deserved because the addiction is self-inflicted, but the poor kid is still going through a helluva lot, and she needs to be reported before she damages any more patients. If it's not illegal, it's at the very least extremely immoral.

 

My apologies. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that he wasn't there voluntarily. Typically those kids are there because of drug abuse with additional criminal charges. I just meant he didn't seek the therapy, not that he didn't need it. I do not mean to defend her. Her actions are certainly going to damage his recovery and stability. I.E. his future.

[Damsel in Distress]

Looking at your situation from the outside, I feel like you have so many ongoing connections with your ex and her family. Our goal as dumpees is the weaken our attachment (connections) with the ex until we can separate and be happy with a life independent of them.

 

You have the shared custody arrangements with the dog, renting from her parents, and this ongoing debate about whether or not to report her - even though this is a negative connection, it IS a connection. all these things are going to make it hard for you to separate completely from her. We're supposed to be getting to a point where they aren't on our mind and we do not care.

 

As for the ethics violation - is there anybody else who knows about her ethics violations who can report? I think reporting her is not in YOUR best interests, but then again I think about Penn State and people failing to protect children and idk - it's an ethical dilemma. Sounds like her client is possibly an adult, but still he is vulnerable and surely not going to report her himself.

 

You mentioned the rollercoaster of thinking and emotions. Believe me, I know! The emotional fallout of a breakup is not at all a rational process, and the roller coaster is intense!

 

Hang in there.

[blindhope]

I am trying to move on and cut all ties to her, but there are plenty. Her family, friends, the dog, we worked at the same place for 10 years(together, Ive been there 16) and we both still help out there in summers even though we have careers.

 

I'm trying to get out and buy my own place now, which sucks because we had discussed doing that next year together. When Im out and not a few houses down from all the drama I'll be better off. O and her brother's my next door neighbor, we're still friendly.

 

Life is tough and I feel guilty that this is my worst complaint now, and I remind myself that everyone has there battles; cancer, loss, health, financial, and here I see total destruction ever day that Hurricane Sandy left. So I even though it's painful and slow I will eventually move on an be better for it.

[Seachelle1]

Blindhope,

 

I think you're making really good strides towards healing.

 

Maybe you can make a list of each tie you have with her still and how you plan to make it so that you no longer have to contact her. Moving is good, taking care of the dog (you should have custody IMO).

 

I know I'm just anonymous internet girl and there is no way to verify what I'm saying but I come from a place where I must in all good faith implore you to make sure there is a report on your ex.

 

I was abused repeatedly in my church when I was a little girl. People knew about it and did nothing. To this day I still suffer from psychological issues from this trauma. It hurt me more than I can ever put into words. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be in a healthy relationship though I want it desperately. I still can't walk into churches without hyperventilating. Organized religion, for better or worse, is cut off from me, probably forever.

 

Your ex is hurting this boy. (17 or 18, still a trust relationship where rape is implicit. Legally it is rape no matter his age because of him being counseled by her.) We don't know the problems he came to her with. He may very well need a lot of counseling and she is burning his trust with ALL counselors. This is a big way to healing and she is ruining his chances, giving him fears about the way to a better life. I know from experience of how much I hurt about what happened to me. Yes, I was a lot younger but it is the same pain inflicted.

 

Please make it a priority to make sure it is reported. Find someone who will report for you if need be. (Indeed, I think it would be best for you gain distance from it all.) Maybe there is somebody trusted you could get advice from and who could report for you?

 

I can see from your posts that you are genuinely concerned and just emotionally drained. Take care of yourself and make careful decisions that have your best interest at heart so that you can heal. You need to separate yourself and heal. What she is doing is very much beyond the blue.