Ex Contacted me : How do I respond?

[Ajax]

I set up her email for her. And when we first broke up I sent her an email. After 2 days of no response I went ex bf crazy and checked if she read, deleted etc and saw the trascripts.

And her weekend job she can't get phone reception so she needs to use that to txt her boy toy.

 

 

As for anything she sends me now is going straight to trash. I've said my peace and can't deal with her. I need to get away from this mess.

 

So this is quite the moral dilemma, isn't it? On the one hand, you know your ex is taking advantage of a power relationship she has with a patient. On the other, you violated her privacy to discover this.

 

It sounds as though while this illicit relationship she has with her patient is unethical, it's not necessarily illegal. So my thoughts are that for you it's best to walk away from the situation. Take the high road now and do your best to move on with your life.

[blindhope]

Have you had any luck in getting legal advice? (if you want' date=' you can write here in which state you live, so we might perhaps offer you some advice where to get free legal advice)[/quote']

 

 

Calvin,

 

I did talk with a lawyer and I have no liability or legal obligation to report her. Thanks for the advice. Now I know I can make a decision on my own time.

[blindhope]

On the other, you violated her privacy to discover this.

 

 

I do hate myself for "violating her privacy." But I'm glad i did. If not I'd still be waiting form her to come right her own ship and come back. She has been leading me on the entire time that we will find our way back. She never came out and said we were broken up, she didn't have the strength too. I now know who she really is and am better for it.

 

Since she uses the same password for everything I do feel good I never broke into facebook or anything else. One moment of weakness where I failed doesn't compare to what she's trying to pull.

Edited April 10, 2013 by blindhope

[Damsel in Distress]

-My dad told me you are moving out (which obviously I get) but we do need to talk about (our dog)then. She's both of ours and we both love her so much. So we need to figure out how to work this. I think it's best to communicate through email if possible- I think meeting in person would be too hard on both of us.

 

 

I'm sure you both love the dog, but a dog isn't a child - there's no need for your dog to be something that ties you together indefinitely. The dog was a product of your relationship - she left the relationship, that also means she left the dog. Poor her. I really don't see how you can recover if you are sharing joint custody of the dog. As I've said before, you have MANY ongoing connections with this woman, and you need to sever them or you will have continued contact with her, and every time you will have an emotional setback

 

 

 

" He finally put single on his FB and I was all excited cuz I've been wanting to put it since jan but I didn't want to be an ******* but I'm not single anymore hahahah not that I'm complaining at all just thought it was funny lol"

 

Ouch! ouch Gosh that is truly painful. And it's even painful to me seeing things from a dumper's eyes. They really really don't care

 

That said, I really do cringe at you violating her privacy. Yes, she should have changed her password. But she also had an expectation of trust. I know she has violated your trust, but I'm sure you don't want to use her as an ethical standard.

 

That said, at moments I have felt so crazy, and so obsessed to know the truth, that I have had thoughts about logging into my ex's email. I know the password he uses for most things (that we openly logged in for each other), and I suspect it would also work for his email. So I understand that thought. However, I knew that was my crazy obsessed mind coming up with crazy ideas and I absolutely did not try it and I really don't think I could bring myself to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

and then finally broke up with me(Never actually said the words) 2nd week in February.

My breakup was about the same time (Feb 15th) and ny ex also never said the words. In fact he said "I'm not breaking up with you"! But asked for some time to straighten up his life so he could get his head straight and decide what he was going to do. Then he listed the points from the Dumper's Cliffs notes that you listed above. And then went completely silent.

 

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. From an outside view, I think the best thing for you would be to come to a decision soon about the ethics complaint, and then start severing all connections with her.

 

And it doesn't matter i the sexual contact was after he left the facility. Ethics code also applies to FORMER clients. Depends on what she's licensed as, but for some fields it's specifically spelled out how many YEARS after termination dual relationships are an ethical issue. And you said you wish there was a cheat sheet- that's what makes them ethical dilemmas - there are no easy answers.

 

So sorry you got another email to set you back Hang in there. I find your story so difficult with so many factors. It's interesting from the outside, but I'm sure it's hell to be living it

I really wish you luck dealing with all this.

[blindhope]

I'm sure you both love the dog... she left the relationship, that also means she left the dog. Poor her....

 

These were my sentiments exactly! And I agree, she needs to let go though and move on too, and LET ME! Her whole, I need space, keep the dog together, if it's meant to be we'll find our way back" is all BS! She wants to be young and free try it out and if it fails come back ?!? She's trying to live separate lives. The one she has, and leave the one she had on life support , just in case. The

 

That said, I really do cringe at you violating her privacy. Yes, she should have changed her password. But she also had an expectation of trust. I know she has violated your trust, but I'm sure you don't want to use her as an ethical standard.

 

I agree. I get sick to my stomach that I did that. But honestly I wasn't snooping. I just wanted to see if my email was read or trashed. I thought it would give me some light within all the silence. The silence and not knowing made me crazy. And I was certainly in the wrong, All those messages was a one time thing though. I haven't continues to snoop.

 

My breakup was about the same time (Feb 15th) and ny ex also never said the words. In fact he said "I'm not breaking up with you"! But asked for some time to straighten up his life so he could get his head straight and decide what he was going to do. Then he listed the points from the Dumper's Cliffs notes that you listed above. And then went completely silent.

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. From an outside view, I think the best thing for you would be to come to a decision soon about the ethics complaint, and then start severing all connections with her.

 

And it doesn't matter i the sexual contact was after he left the facility. Ethics code also applies to FORMER clients. Depends on what she's licensed as, but for some fields it's specifically spelled out how many YEARS after termination dual relationships are an ethical issue. And you said you wish there was a cheat sheet- that's what makes them ethical dilemmas - there are no easy answers.

 

I know there isn't any easy answers. I just know what ever choice I make will have a big impact on me and my life. She isn't fully licensed yet because she needs to complete 2 yrs first. But at the same token it states that there must be a 2 year gap between therapy and relationship. Although many are pushing for lifetime.

[blindhope]

Just had a nice talk with my sister and filled her in. She really turned me around and made my night! Much better now. With out my family especially my sisters and sister in laws I have no idea where I'd be. Between them and LS I have come a long way from a dark place I never thought I'd get out of.

 

So I hope the best for the rest of LS and have a good night and here's to a great and brighter tomorrow!

[ThatJustHappened]

Calvin,

 

I did talk with a lawyer and I have no liability or legal obligation to report her. Thanks for the advice. Now I know I can make a decision on my own time.

 

I still think you should. Think about the poor kid she's screwing with...

[blindhope]

This morning was the best morning I had yet. I begin to actually see what I want in life and that this girl was wrong for me. For the first time in 3 months I am happy. Ive had my ups and downs lately but I haven't felt happy until today. I know it's not forever adnd I expect dips in the road but finally I am thinking more clearly.

 

In this new light I know she needs to be reported. Not only for this child but for the rest along the way. She is not strong enough to be a counselor. Counter-Transferance issues right off the bat, after years of being taught on how serious it is and how to handle it.

 

I just can't do it today. I am not sure exaclty what to do first and second I need to get out of my current living situation first. And getting all my things moved out and into storage right away is a must. Then I can move in with family while I find my own place and handle this issue with a degree of safe distance and seperation.

 

Thanks for all that all of you do. These posts and responses have really helped and allowed me to see it from many angles and perspectives. Now I know I'll be doing the right thing. And what will be will be.

[Damsel in Distress]

Very nice to see you having a good day, and you sound like you are in such a better frame of mind today! So glad to see this.

Stay strong!

[Calvin's wagon]

Blindhope,

 

was glad to see you're feeling better.

 

If I may be lawyer-ish a bit more, I'd ask you two things:

1. Have you talked to a/the lawyer what would be the best/most efficient/... way of reporting her, taking into account all the circumstances (how you got the evidence (the admissibility of those evidence,...))? There are a lot of different possibilities in play here (anonymous tip, your name, what evidence to attach, ...). Is it certain that it's a breach of ethics and grounds for suspension of licence etc.? If he's a good lawyer, I imagine he too saw the need to discuss this and you already have the information.

 

2. Have you considered (and talked to your friends, family,...) about first talking to her parents before she is reported? I guess this would take the "anonymous" tip out of the play (if it ever was an option), but it's worth considering. She will be reported in any case (she'll be reported, either by them/herself, or by you if they don't after a certain time), but perhaps this way it will be easier for them&her to get her the help she needs, perhaps your consciousness will be clearer, and perhaps this way you'll increase the odds of them letting you&the dog, out of gratitude (don't blackmail:)) walk away without harassing you for ownership etc. As far as I can see, no one is worse off if you warn them, but it might be more productive and beneficial (for all involved, and thus society as a whole).

 

Again, this is my opinion, there are other factors we on this forum aren't privy to, and it is imperative you clarify your legal position (if you knew that your evidence weren't admissible etc., it might affect your decision). Take your time to decide. It's a huge issue, and better to take a few days more and make a well thought-out decision, than to hurry and make a rash decision.

 

 

But I'm super glad you're thinking, at least for the moment, about her that way, that you're happy without her! If the occasional bad day comes, her pleading,..., make sure to check this post again (print it out and post it to the wall of your room, put it in the wallet).

 

Keep us posted of how you're feeling! Best wishes!

[blindhope]

1. Have you talked to a/the lawyer what would be the best/most efficient/...

The lawyer wasn't sure about this area. He directed me toward the state and national licensing board if I need to report. He cleared up that unless he was 16 there is no legal issue. And even if he was 16, I had no liability.

 

2. Have you considered (and talked to your friends' date=' family,...) about first talking to her parents before she is reported?.... [/quote']

I have they all seem to think I at the very least need to tell her parents. Epecially those with kids and they say they would want to know if their kids where mixed up like this.

Friends and family are all amazed and shocked by her actions, and think something is certainly wrong with her to be acting this way. And agree the best thing I can do is distance myself.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

How are you feeling today?

 

The lawyer wasn't sure about this area. He directed me toward the state and national licensing board if I need to report. He cleared up that unless he was 16 there is no legal issue. And even if he was 16, I had no liability.

 

My advice is to consider contacting a lawyer who has experience/specializes in medical malpractice etc., medical law. I know by now it might seem like a hassle to get more information, but I strongly urge you to get all the relevant information before you act.

 

I strongly, strongly urge you. As someone with lots of legal experience, I cannot underscore how vital it is that you get clear, reliable information from someone who knows this area of law, not from someone who says he's not sure.

 

I have they all seem to think I at the very least need to tell her parents. Epecially those with kids and they say they would want to know if their kids where mixed up like this.

Friends and family are all amazed and shocked by her actions, and think something is certainly wrong with her to be acting this way. And agree the best thing I can do is distance myself.

 

After you will have gathered all the relevant information (see above), talk to your family&friends again. Even if it's not grounds for suspension of licence or your evidence is not admissible and reporting her will be off the table, I'd still inform her parents. I agree with your family&friends. And once her parents will see what problems they'll have to worry about, I doubt they'd still be interested in taking away the dog from you, and will hopefully realize that the best thing for everyone involved is if you distance yourself from her&the family.

 

Best wishes!

[blindhope]

Just a update for anyone interested in the reality show that has become my life:

 

I have began telling my family and friends the full story. I have moved on from what I realized was protecting her and us. I knew I'd be able to forgive the girl I knew if she ever showed up again. But would my friends and family if they knew the truth? So I went with "she's gone a little crazy", "became a different person with some serious issues" ect. To telling them the truth.

 

It was a big step for me. To accept who she is and what this all is. I felt great. I felt like a stack of bricks where taken off my chest.

 

And as everyone took this as the last straw, I found out a lot of dirt about her family. Not very well liked. While I still value them for how the treat me, they are not the favorites of the town and have a lot of bad and whacky history with more infidelity stories, and shady business deals, lies and scams. It really is like my own personal verison of reality tv with all the BS drama. I just have to laugh at what I got myself into after all these years.

 

 

:bunny:Calvin:

That is some excellent advice. I really need to be prepared and know what I need and what to expect. That way I know how to best proceed. Thanks for helping me all along the way to take into account the real world side of this dilema that plagues me. I better knwo what I am and am not doing before I act.

[Seachelle1]

You sound so much better. I am glad.

 

I think I've said my piece, given my advice and given it clearly and anything else would be reiteration. You'll follow your own heart with everything in mind and I think that's what you need to do. This is about you, not about anyone else.

 

Just keep making those steps to complete separation. You will soon be in a place where you can block your ex completely and never have to speak to her again. You will be completely free to start again.

[blindhope]

And as for my snooping ... I rememer catching her as she used to log into to my facebook to snoop on me, I never cared or called her out because I was an open book anyway. I never lied or hid anything. Just like popeye - I y'am what I y'am. Doesn't make me any better for being at her level, but we all make mistakes

[Seachelle1]

Have you changed all your passwords and protected yourself? You're starting to out people with a history of being nasty. Make sure you are safe. Expect blows below the belt and make arrangements to wear an emotional "cup".

[blindhope]

I know. I wonder how fast they go from friend to foe. But that's why I'm moving out. I hate to do this too them. And part of me wants to sit them down tell them what s happening, put myself out there as to what I know. hand them the house keys and walk away forever. I think that might be best for me, personally. But I don't know if it'd be best for her getting help, the kid she's seeing, and future clients.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

I hate to do this too them.

 

You're not doing this to them. She is doing this to them & herself. You are, imo, helping them to make things better instead of being ignorant and letting things get worse. And you are (imo) protecting this guy and all her future protegees/people she'll come across.

 

But again, talk to professionals (lawyers, therapists), talk to your friends&family, protect yourself and then decide. We might be giving you bad advice out of ignorance etc., though they're well-meant.

 

Seachelle1 has made a truly excellent point! Protect yourself. Get your computer checked for viruses, spyware, change passwords (and institute the double step protection for gmail etc.) etc. Hide your history (so she won't know you've been on LS). Make another mail account for important things. Take care of the phone.

 

Make sure your dog is not left alone, I wouldn't be surprised if she&her family took him while you were away from home... There are a thousand ways they can hurt you if you don't take care. It's better to be safe than sorry.

 

And I know you might think "they/she wouldn't do this to me". Well, I understand that, but I imagine you thought the same about her cheating on you etc. I'm sorry for being blunt, but I'm just trying to help.

 

I'm glad to hear how you've been doing lately, I think you're doing well! Keep up the good days coming:)

[blindhope]

Hi.

You're not doing this to them. She is doing this to them & herself.

Thank you, I know this is the truth. I just don't think anyone in the world would believe it. They're going to see me as the crazy ex out to get her. I'd say I'm the furthest from that, but I can handle the role of bad guy.

 

But again, talk to professionals (lawyers, therapists), talk to your friends&family, protect yourself and then decide. .

 

I know and withou you I probably wouldn't have been as diligent as I have been. So a sincere thank you. I will continue to reach out with the situations and problems that may arise that is presented here.

 

Seachelle1 has made a truly excellent point! Protect yourself. Get your computer checked for viruses, spyware, change passwords (and institute the double step protection for gmail etc.) etc. Hide your history (so she won't know you've been on LS). Make another mail account for important things. Take care of the phone..

 

This I have taken care of! I usually handle all their tech support anyway, but I took care of this a few nights after she left. I even have a block on email so she'll get return to sender error when attempting to toy with me so more.

 

...."they/she wouldn't do this to me".

 

I have to questions their motives all along. I know they love and respect me and in the end want me to end up with their daughter, but when thats taken out of the equation everything changes and I need to be ready for it.

[blindhope]

Think I took a big step tonight. Decided to join a dating site. Never thought I'd be there a few months back. Nothing against it, just had the love of my life on my lap. But she no longer exists. So I go to move on. But working of of Dr. Leo Marvin's plan (anyone get the reference?) and taking baby steps. Don't think I'd make any of the reaching out just yet rather see what happens. I need to at least put myself out there. We'll see, but it certainly helped me out of a little funk today has been.

[blindhope]

She emailed me saying my plans for "our" dog weren't fair. I shouldn't be making this decision alone and we need to have a serious discussion or something. She wants shared custody, one week each.

 

Is she CRAZY, she wants me to be FAIR with OUR dog?

 

Life isn't fair, you made a big girl decision to walk out on us, and do what you did, so there is no "our". Now deal with it.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Glad to read you're feeling better!

 

Thank you, I know this is the truth. I just don't think anyone in the world would believe it. They're going to see me as the crazy ex out to get her. I'd say I'm the furthest from that, but I can handle the role of bad guy.

 

1st of all, you've got proof (real world proof, I'm not talking about the admissability).

 

2nd of all, like you said, you can handle the role of the bad guy. But that's what doing the "right" thing sometimes means - that you'll do what's best for everyone (her, that kid, her family, her future patients) in the long run, do the right thing/try to help people (even those who have hurt you etc.), but that perhaps you won't get any thanks or appreciation, but disbelief etc.

 

Even if that happens, your conscience can be calm, knowing that you did what you could to help them. And in any case, you'll (hopefully) be cutting them off from your life completely in any case, whether they'll think you're Batman or Joker.

 

I know and withou you I probably wouldn't have been as diligent as I have been. So a sincere thank you. I will continue to reach out with the situations and problems that may arise that is presented here.

 

Thanks, it's very nice to hear this! And it's really a sign of great maturity that you were willing to accept and follow advice, I know it's hard for you right now to thing straight!

 

This I have taken care of! I usually handle all their tech support anyway, but I took care of this a few nights after she left. I even have a block on email so she'll get return to sender error when attempting to toy with me so more.

 

Great to hear this. But I'm not sure if it's functioning or if there are technical errors, since she was later able to contact you again (you've mentioned in your last posts)?

 

Have you made sure that you're dog can't be dognapped? I'm not joking.

 

I have to questions their motives all along. I know they love and respect me and in the end want me to end up with their daughter, but when thats taken out of the equation everything changes and I need to be ready for it.

 

Yup, be careful, make sure you gather and keep safe all the evidence.

 

She emailed me saying my plans for "our" dog weren't fair. I shouldn't be making this decision alone and we need to have a serious discussion or something. She wants shared custody, one week each.

 

Is she CRAZY, she wants me to be FAIR with OUR dog?

 

Life isn't fair, you made a big girl decision to walk out on us, and do what you did, so there is no "our". Now deal with it.

 

Have you talked to a lawyer about the dog situation? Or perhaps did you, like I suggested some time ago, contacted any NGOs dealing with animal rights, pet protection etc.? I think there's a good chance that some of them have knowledge about these questions or will at least be able to give you advice where to turn for free/cheap and reliable advice. It might take some time&effort to make it work & get the legal advice you need, but considering you're doing it for your dog...

 

Btw, how long did it pass between her leaving you and her saying anything to you about the dog/showing any sign whatsoever of her concern for the dog?

 

I think a fine lawyer might perhaps (again, I'm trying to switch from our continental european law to the common law system, so it might be inaccurate - get legal help!) argue that even though her parents' name are on the documents, they gifted her&you the dog, so their parents have no claim.

 

After that's established, it depends on exact wording of the law/precedence and the facts, but I'd try to establish that she "derelicted"/"abandoned" the dog/implicitly giving it to you.

 

Or if that's not possible to argue, I'd argue that her "claim" to the dog should be, worst case scenario for you, compensated by you giving her a certain amount of money (depending on the amount of money paid for adoption of the dog - "emotional" value shouldn't be taken into consideration, given her abandonment of the dog, you paying for most of the thing for the dog etc.). And a good lawyer could probably prove you'd provide him a better home for him than she did, and that it'd be stressful for the dog to switch owners every week etc.

 

 

 

Think I took a big step tonight. Decided to join a dating site. Never thought I'd be there a few months back. Nothing against it, just had the love of my life on my lap. But she no longer exists. So I go to move on. But working of of Dr. Leo Marvin's plan (anyone get the reference?) and taking baby steps. Don't think I'd make any of the reaching out just yet rather see what happens. I need to at least put myself out there. We'll see, but it certainly helped me out of a little funk today has been.

 

Yup, go out there and have (safe!) fun (btw, will you get tested for STDs?). My advice - just don't go breaking any hearts, make sure the other person knows you're looking for nsa/rebound... Not just online dating, but bunch of parties, events etc.

 

I have to questions their motives all along. I know they love and respect me and in the end want me to end up with their daughter, but when thats taken out of the equation everything changes and I need to be ready for it.

 

Yup, be careful!

 

Keep us posted!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to questions their motives all along. I know they love and respect me and in the end want me to end up with their daughter, but when thats taken out of the equation everything changes and I need to be ready for it.

[Seachelle1]

Calvin's Wagon,

 

Common law has evolved so much in the past 50 years that it is unrecognizable to what the historic notion of American common law is. It is not a simple affair. I would recommend not getting involved with lawyers unless it is absolutely necessary.

 

And then there's the state to state differences...in my state she could go to jail for what she's done and so the issue of the dog would be moot.

[blindhope]

Hi

Great to hear this. But I'm not sure if it's functioning or if there are technical errors, since she was later able to contact you again (you've mentioned in your last posts)?

 

But she can make new e-mail address up at any moment. And I can't disable this account. But I do send a fake automated response now that says it's been disabled. So we'll see if she gets the hint.

 

 

Have you made sure that you're dog can't be dognapped? I'm not joking.

 

My fear everyday. Until I can get out which is rapidly approaching I will be stuck with it. I need get her to my families house until I can find my own place. The sooner I'm packed and in storage the better.

 

Have you talked to a lawyer about the dog situation? ...

In NJ a recent case determined that who ever takes the daily responsibilities of the dog, and is also best suited for the dog will retain rights in court. Very vague but basically she doesn't. Me and or her mom does. But they found that pets are not possessions, which is good as far as the paperwork goes. I walk her, feed her, clean up, get her food, pet ins. and yes she abandoned her, while I take care of her. She never did any of the above. she was nurturing but like in previous posts lazy and lacked responsibility.

 

 

 

 

Btw' date=' how long did it pass between her leaving you and her saying anything to you about the dog/showing any sign whatsoever of her concern for the dog? [/quote'] 2 months

 

 

Yup, go out there and have (safe!) fun (btw, will you get tested for STDs?). My advice - just don't go breaking any hearts, make sure the other person knows you're looking for nsa/rebound... Not just online dating, but bunch of parties, events etc.

 

Right now I'm just looking to get out and make friends. I've never been the one night stand kind of guy. As a matter of fact I haven't dated ever really. Because I've been in only 2 committed relationships since I graduated HS. So this will be new for me and a chance for me to really grow for lack of a better term.

 

Thanks again for the help and support. I will continue to seek therapist guidance as well as reach out for legal advice in these areas so I know what I'm getting my self into.

[blindhope]

Calvin's Wagon,

 

Common law has evolved so much in the past 50 years that it is unrecognizable to what the historic notion of American common law is. It is not a simple affair. I would recommend not getting involved with lawyers unless it is absolutely necessary.

 

And then there's the state to state differences...in my state she could go to jail for what she's done and so the issue of the dog would be moot.

 

I agree, and they have a huge advantage if this does go to court. They have lawyers already and have much more than I'd be able to compete with.

 

Also what she's doing is not illegal here. She is however breaking one clear and structural rule of her profession. There is no question about that. It's as simple as Pete Rose gambling on baseball. Everyone in the field knows it from the moment they start, and if you break it your done. She is also still in her "trial" phase of licensing and hasn't gotten all the letters after her name yet officially, so it would certainly be a huge blow in a probationary stage.