Ex Contacted me : How do I respond?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Seachelle, I agree, that's why I put the emphasis on seeing a lawyer familiar with federal and state law (precedence, statutes,...) regarding this matter. I know money is tight, but when it comes to sth so important as my dog, I'd try all I could to get the legal help I'd need. And like I said, he can always try to get cheap/pro bono legal aid, or turn to NGOs to get free legal aid in this matter. Bottom line, there's a ton of stuff he can do to get the necessary legal aid he needs.

 

 

2 months is a long time for her to be negligent of the dog...

 

 

Blindhope, I meant STDs in case you got anything from her... I took a test because my ex cheated on me...

[blindhope]

We were broken up before he was released from the juvenile facility, so nothing could have happened there. I still think its good advice though since I thought she was an honest "good" girl. And boy was I was wrong.

[blindhope]

Her brother stopped by today when he noticed my truck was packed. Don't think he knew I was on my way out for good. He just stayed and caught up for a bit and invited me out for drinks before I was gone. Certainly showed me some appreciation and value.

 

They may have plenty of enemies in this world, but like I said earlier - I am not one (yet.....?) They have treated me so well over the years and even through this mess.

 

But I know I need a clean break, and at this point it will hurt more to break up with the family that has become part of my own, then the love of my life that became someone I had never met.

[wish it was a dream]

Take the high road she isn't worth it

[Seachelle1]

blindhope,

 

I was really close to the mother of an abusive ex from several years ago. Her one daughter was autistic and I think she saw me as a replacement. She'd buy me jewelry and dresses and gave me family heirlooms (the last of which I absolutely did not take with me when I left).

 

Leaving this person was one of the hardest things partly because of his mother. I didn't have a close family and she had been a replacement for me. We had filled holes in each other's hearts. I love her so much and still think about her. I know she must dislike me now, I left her and her son. But the time that goes by the more I'm able to place it away from me. I was also able to go out and get new friends and make amends with my own family in the meantime. She is always in my heart but I try to look forward. When I remember I grieve the loss for a few minutes then move forward.

 

I understand where you're coming from. It's hard. It'll get better.

[blindhope]

Got a lot moved out and into storage this weekend. Hate how I reflect back as I am getting closer to cutting all ties to her. The finality that leaving our home will bring shouldn't bring any sadness or loss, but it is.

But I know as soon as I'm out of this mess, I'll be able to deal with it and move on.

On the plus side I never thought I'd make it this far, especially this soon. I guess I have her to thank for becoming a complete disaster of a b*&^%.

[Damsel in Distress]

I am very glad to see how quickly you've started to separate yourself from her, her family, and the whole situation. It's an important step that needed to be done, and will help you in the long run, but OF COURSE it's going to hurt right now. She said her goodbyes at the breakup. You've needed this time to process and accept... and now you are separating and saying goodbye. And that's sad - of course you will have memories and grieve what you are giving up - not by your choice! .

 

Let yourself feel sad as you cut these ties, but also remind yourself that it's a sad step, but it's one that will allow you to heal.

 

Hang in there and be strong.

[blindhope]

Sad and angry too. This is just one more thing she gets to take away from me. I take some solace in know most people find her to be a complete b***** all the sudden an it's not just me, the ex.

 

She seems to be doing a good job of spinning out of control on her own and the part of me that wanted to help her and was worried is becoming increasingly not caring. She is becoming irrelevant to me, and I see her as more sorry or pathetic. With a small part that wants to see the crash and burn when she does get caught.

 

A small part of me misses her and I'll catch myself wanting her back for a glimpse of a moment, but I am much to rational lately to know there is no way in hell I'd ever let that happen.

I have realized I missed the girl who is gone. She is someone else now and that person does nothing for me.

 

Every last picture deleted or shredded, keepsakes destroyed. The more things I do that finalize it, make me feel so much better.

 

You people are awesome and don' t know how grateful I am!

[blindhope]

Life does go on. I've had a great couple days. Not to many triggers anymore, and I can feel progress everyday. Almost all packed up and looking forward to the change. Its no longer the end of something, but the beginning.

Even got to have a nice long conversation with her brother and didn't have any feeling to reminice on. Making plans and moving on, it can be done!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Great to hear all this! How are you doing?

 

Not to be annoying, but:

- have you gathered any more legal info about your position (about the pooch, validity of your evidence in the licensing board etc.)?

- what way are you leaning about telling her parents/licence board? have you talked to your friends,...? what's your plan? are you just going to move out and then deal with everything (maybe they'll go apeshi..t when they realize you moved out with the dog etc.) or will you talk to her/them beforehand, at least to let them know that you'll discuss things with them after you settle at your brother's?

 

Keep up the good work, and make sure to deal with everything soon and then go NC for the rest of your life. Change numbers, go off facebook/make new facebook profile etc. And keep attending therapy/support groups - this kind of betrayal leaves a big mark on a person...

 

We're proud of you for how you've been handling this, and I'm sure your friends&family too!

[blindhope]

Not annoying at all Calvin. I couldn't imaginge where I'd be without your and everyone else's help. When down after a break up a push is needed!

 

- have you gathered any more legal info about your position (about the pooch, validity of your evidence in the licensing board etc.)?

 

Yes the pooch is a tricky situation if it goes there, but here leaving the pup, and me paying the expenses, taking care of the pup, walking, feeding, cleaning up after etc. plays into my favor. NJ they are not possessions, they are closes to custody.

 

- what way are you leaning about telling her parents/licence board? have you talked to your friends,...? what's your plan? are you just going to move out and then deal with everything (maybe they'll go apeshi..t when they realize you moved out with the dog etc.) or will you talk to her/them beforehand, at least to let them know that you'll discuss things with them after you settle at your brother's?

 

I am leaning toward meeting with her parents, but each passing day I feel they would just cover it up. That this needs to be handed over to people who will make sure this is handled professionally. I know she needs help but I am realizing more and more that she is not the victim, he is( and future clients). And that's what needs to be addressed. But I am not doing anyhting until I can distance myself and get out of the house.

 

 

Keep up the good work, and make sure to deal with everything soon and then go NC for the rest of your life. Change numbers, go off facebook/make new facebook profile etc. And keep attending therapy/support groups - this kind of betrayal leaves a big mark on a person...

 

Excellent advice and I will keep you posted.

 

Thanks again!

[blindhope]

She won't take the hint. She emailed me again, most likely because her brother saw me move a bunch out today. She told me she's moving back when I'm gone but that I take take as long as I need. NO RUSH!!! And she hopes I'm doing well. But we need to talk about the dog.

 

She is a two faced liar. Who is treating people like Cr*p to get what she wants. She was never like this. A friend forwarded me a text joking that ebonics is her new language because of how she talks all the sudden. She never did that before. I have no idea who she's become and I need to get away from her.

 

But just her emailing me feels like a knife to the stomach. I don't have the regret or sense that I miss her. But the pain is still there. I hate how she still affects me. And the more buttons she pushes the lest restraint I have with the information... She shouldn't be able to make me someone Im not

[blindhope]

So I arrived at a decision. With direction and assistance of my own therapist I have decided I do not want to be vengeful. I am not looking to hurt her or her family. I know what she's doing is wrong and I need to giver her the opportunity to fix it. I have to present it to her in a calm and organized fashion hoping it gets through to her. Advise her that she needs to take it to her supervisor to seek assistance in repairing the situation before it gets worse. Then walk away for ever as long as I feel it got through to her.

Not looking forward to this at all. But I'll do it as I'm leaving the house and this entire mess behind.

[blindhope]

First Thank you to all you you for you help and input. So here is the conclusion to my soap opera.

 

Quick recap. ex. GF of 7ys left me to be with her very first male patient from an adolescence in-patient drug and alcohol rehab facility. She had recently graduated and spiraled from a mature woman to the mentality of a 15 yr old her self. He is 17 drug addict:sick:, with other criminal history. Which would normally be legal but since they also receive schooling there she is in the bounties and responsible for him making it illegal. So I had no idea how to react or handle this matter.

 

After time, as much advice as I could get from friends, family, this site, therapist, lawyer and way to much thought put into I decided to bring it calmly to her. Let her know I know, what she is doing is VERY wrong and tell her she is risking not only her career, an easy lawsuit for the minor, jail time, etc. Hopefully the shock and fear would knock her out of it. I am completely over her and had no emotion toward her.

 

I had no illusions of her winning her back, I got to a point where I was indifferent toward her. So I didn't want to hurt her either. Just get this scenario out of my head of my conscience and hopefully bring myself to peace.

 

We talked and she got defensive and angry. Then I showed her the proof and she got scared and admitted it. we talked like adults for once everything she got herself into and what she was risking. How she thought this would play out. She laughed, she cried, she was a mess. I didn't flinch, or hesitate at the thought I was over her. I didn't comfort her tears or laugh with her. I was emotionless, relaxed and told her I was happy. Acted as the better person. She even understood how I stumbled upon the evidence and didn't think I lied to her. Which I never did, and she knows that there is no reason I would. Told her she needs to seek help from her supervisor about this matter, and that as long as she seeks it they will help her, which I was told is true with-in the profession by my counselor. Rather than when they find out, they will hold her accountable.

 

Then she bought up the dog "our dog" and shared custody. She asked and I denied. She is my dog. There is no more our, you were the one who made that decision and you as an adult have to deal with the consequences. She thought that wasn't fair but agreed as she realized nothing about this whole mess can fall under the umbrella of fair.

 

A day later she showed up in tears asking to buy the odg from me. Straight no! have a nice life.

 

She handled it wrong from day one right up until the end. And her lies caused the mistrust that I can't leave my dog with her or her family. She bought this on , not me.

 

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

― Robert Frost

[Chi townD]

Well, at least you got it out there. And now you can move on. She's going to shoot herself in the foot because I don't think she even considered anything you told her. In the end, it appears that the only thing she was concerned about was the dog. Not you, not her career....just the dog.

[blindhope]

Well doesnt seem to be over. After being very upset with me and acting like a child for leaving and also taking the dog, her father quickly apologized and asked to meet with with me. Can't make this s#!% up. I'm sure it has to do with his angling over how to get the pup, but I owe him for how much he's done for me over the years. So I think I should give him the benefit of the doubt and go talk to him. Let them know for now it has to be this way as I need her out of my life and her family although I care for the is part of that. But in all honesty no idea what to expect or what his motives are.

 

Any suggestions?

[Chi townD]

I would talk to him. He has been kind and respectful to you this whole time. You owe him that. And also, he may want to ask you exactly what's going on. I can only speculate that she has been spinning a lot of stories about your relationship to him. But, I think he's a smart man and things aren't adding up to him.

 

If he does brouche the subject with you, I think you owe him the truth and let him do with the information as he deems fit.

[Seachelle1]

I agree with ChiTown. Talk with her father. Show him respect. Communicate as to why you are shutting this relationship off. I know there are a lot of rumors going around about me in my small community because of things that aren't my fault. Give her family the benefit of a doubt. You know to protect yourself but I have never regretted showing kindness and respect. If they are cruel and mean to you, it says something about them, not you, and you know not to speak to them again.

 

You know that old adage "hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me." It applies here. He hasn't personally hurt you yet from what I can tell.

[Seachelle1]

Although I'll also reiterate that I think parents are always parents first and they can be quite blind. When the truth comes out they will most likely be unfriendly. Please gird yourself for that. I know you have been protecting yourself but I don't want to see you hurt more so I'll just be the doom-sayer again.

[blindhope]

Well we met and it couldn't have gone better. They found the situation on their own. They found something in the house that was a clue and I didn't have to do it.

 

So her father wanted to thank me for how I handle it and apologize for his frustration he showed on the day I moved out. We talked for a good couple hours and although he still thinks the window for a re-connection is there, I don't. But they are very upset with her and her situation, hows she's handling it.

 

They are trying to cautiously work out a solution to her problem, and think she needs to leave her job. Maybe work on the research end of of the profession. But either way they took it very seriously and appreciate who I am and how I handle this. Also that I need to go on my way and separate from her and them for my own well being. They made me feel awesome and more appreciated than she ever did.

 

Thank you all for the advice and helping me not do something out of anger or as a reaction. Thanks for helping me do it the right way and let karma take care of the rest.

[blindhope]

Someone please set me straight.

So after getting the ex out of my life for good!

Getting praise and reconciliation from her father after he found out who is daughter really was!!

Getting the dog to live with me for good!!!

 

Now I'm thinking to make arrangements for the dog to spend the day with her mom on mothers day?!?!

 

I can honestly say it has nothing to do with her.No ulterior motive. Her parents where always so good to me, and her mom took more care of the do than shen did.

 

I want to do the right thing, but is this borderline stupid or crazy?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi,

 

I didn't see this update until now!

 

How have you been doing?

 

As for your question, is still open? I'd advise against having any sort of communication with her or her parents. As long as your parents are a part of your life (even through an occasional visit, phone conversation, email,...), she remains a part of your life.

 

Best wishes!

[blindhope]

I dropped the pup off for her mother on Mothers Day. She was so greatful and told me loud and clear it with her daughter hiding inside it was the best mother day gift ever . Then when Ibpicked her up oddly enough me and her entire family sat out front for 20 min and caught up while all the dogs played and she his inside alone. They were very happy to see me and very grateful. It was a good moment but certainly a difficult one.

[Chi townD]

Sorry to say this, dude. But, you need to start detaching from that family altogether. You stay in their lives in one form or another is not helping your healing process.

[blindhope]

I know I need to. And that's part of what tears up my insides. That I just don't walk away. Never thought I could be this hung up on her after everything. I am stuck trying to be the better person. Which in this situation is pretty easy to do.

 

Her fathers depression guilts me as well ad their entire family dynamic being completely messed up and possibly destroyed. I know this is entirely on her and no longer my problen or reaponsibility but I still get the urge to help repair their relationships.

 

Why ? I don't really have a full grasp on. But dont I wish I could just play the role of bad guy. Be the a**h*** for once. Its not me and itll never happen. But one can dream