My husbands family is destroying us

[Lisa0425]

I am not even sure where to begin. I am married for almost 14 yrs with a 12 yr old daughter . I lost my mon 4 yrs ago.The funeral took place out of state. My husband & daughter were there by my side through it all. My mother & father inlaw , although didnt attend the funeral were very supportive to me through one of the hardest times in my life.

 

My hudand has 4 subblings(ages ranging from 28-45) whom we all live within 3 miles of each other. I wouldnt say we were close but I also wouldnt say we are not close. After returning back home (3 weeks later) from the funeral, not one of my sister or brother in laws ever said 1 word. No card, No nothing.

 

I mentioed this to my husband & he thoughtit was best to just leave it alone and not make any issue over it. I disagreed but went along with his ways of never bringing up the subject.

 

About 6 months ago, after attending the funeral of a New sister in laws family member, (she wasnt in the picture when my mom died)I exploded. All the hurt, pain and anger that I had been supressing came out like a bolt of lightning. It wasnt a pretty sight.

My mother in law asked how we can resolve the matter & I stated that I deserve an written letter of apology & remorse as I felt I deserved nothing less.

I got the letters although only because my mother in law demanded them to send it and truly hoped all of the turmoil would be over. Boy was I wrong!

My sister in law at age 26 (not married) has called me very hurting names and refuses to apologize. My husband & I are in the middle of planning a gala event to honor our daughters up and coming Bat Mitzvah which my sister in law is involved with being she is doing all the decorations. I dont not want her involved and my husband gives me no choice in the matter stating he doesnt want to hurt his parents feelings by finding someone else to do the decorations. (My inlaws are paying my sister in law for the decorating job).

Dont my feelings count? I am the moher and shouldnt I have some say in this matter.

 

Our marriage is one of constant fighting (ONLY over is family). We are seeing a marriage counsler over all of this, but in my husbands family , no one ever shows love emotion or caring even to each other from my perspective anyway. I was raised in a different mannor. We always talked about everything, good, bad, and indiffernt until we felt all was ok.

Help! I feel like I am all alone with no family to speak of as I was raised to feel family is onee of the most important parts of life.

 

I dont know how much longer our marraige can stay intact as its a daily arguement here with us.,

[SoleMate]

<I felt angry and hurt because my husband's siblings did not express condolences over my mother's death>

Understandable. They should have written, called, or spoken a few words with you in private.

 

My mother in law asked how we can resolve the matter

She's the peacemaker and is doing ehr best to patch things up.

 

I stated that I deserve an written letter of apology & remorse as I felt I deserved nothing less.

Oooohhh. This isn't seem right. Although they certainly erred in not expressing condolences, you are absolutely worng, as well, in demanding condolences as if this is an overdue bill they MUST pay. Condolences are a courtesy, and a human kindness, and if you demand them, they are worthless. As you shortly found out.

 

I got the letters although only because my mother in law demanded them to send it

Right. Those letters, sent under duress, didn't mean much, did they?

 

...after attending a family funeral ...all the hurt, pain and anger that I had been supressing came out like a bolt of lightning. It wasn't a pretty sight.

No. Sounds like you blasted your family members for not behaving well, and yet your behavior is hardly a model for anyone to copy. Even your natural and understandable grief over your mother's death is NOT AN EXCUSE for blowing up and attacking people and causing a nasty scene. Please try to understand that.

 

But...these people are family, and so they understood and forgave you...to some extent anyhow.

 

I truly hoped all of the turmoil would be over

Why? You vented your anger...don't they get to vent theirs? You see the problem? If everyone is expressing all their rage all the time, other people get hurt, and the situation snowballs.

 

Dont my feelings count?

Yes, your feelings count, and so do other people's.

 

in my husbands family , no one ever shows love emotion or caring even to each other from my perspective anyway. I was raised in a different mannor. We always talked about everything, good, bad, and indiffernt until we felt all was ok.

Different families have different styles of showing their closeness. Sounds like you have a very different style from your husband's. I'm sure both styles are legitimate, but if people don't see this as a stylistic difference, and instead treat it as "lack of caring", the result is EXACTLY what you have experienced.

 

I beg you...read some books my Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners). She talks about exactly this issue. How two families can blend, and tolerate different styles of grieving, showing love, celebrating occasions, and resolving differences. HINT: Politeness, tolerance, and occasional tongue biting help a lot.

[Moose]

Your husband needs to take a stand. Your Mother in Law sounds like is on your side. She's the one asking her own kids to shape up and get along. I know that your jewish, so you should know that when you marry, the husband is to leave thy Mother and cleave to thy wife.

 

Cleave: to stick, to ahere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.

 

Once you two got married, you became one. You are now a family and in the order of things, ( God First, Family Second, Others Last ), your husband should be more concerned with HIS family, your needs and emotions. This takes premise over his Mom, Sisters, or Brothers.

 

He needs to get his nose in a book that explains what a marriage is, or perhaps go and try counceling.

 

Enough on your husband, it's your turn now. As a wife, you should be more tolerable with his family. I realize this is extremely hard given how hateful I know they can be. You should take the things they say with a grain of salt. You need to honor your husband even if you think he's wrong. I know this sounds like going back to the cave days when the men bonked women over the head and drug them by their hair. But it's clear in the bible what our roles are in a marriage.

 

Just try and remember, Your Family Comes First.....be more concerned with that, rather than if his family accepts you or not.

 

Good Luck!!!

Mr. Moose

[guest]

Not a great idea to blow up but somewhat understandable in the circumstances if anger has slowly been building up. The letters are ridiculous though. Can you move further away from your husband's family? Might be a good idea. Otherwise you need to stand up for yourself and your husband needs to do that for you and for himself, it's either that or suffer quietly or not in misery from his disrepectful family for the next 30-40 yrs or so. Do you know why they didn't acknowledge your mom's death? Is this typical of their behavior? Are you on bad terms with them? These situations in families are so difficult to deal with. I would definitely not let the sil have anything to do with your daughter's batmitzvah, this will only be a source of more trouble for your marriage. This will be the test for your husband I believe, he should tell his parents that he does not want her to be involved.

It's not going to be easy because you did behave badly but he needs to do it. Your feelings should come before his parent's feelings.

I know it's too late now, but it's a good idea to find out what someone's family is like before you marry them if you are going to live close to them. A friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend after going on vacation with his family. Good luck.