That sobering moment where you realize...

[Teknoe]

... you're not quite where you want to be in life. I had one of those today.

 

I've gone through some changes in the last 9 months. I started working full time, which was/is awesome, but in lieu of that, I've become a social recluse. I've shut out some church acquaintances, even took a break from church, and haven't really been engaging in my social interaction skills since I started working full time. I like to tell myself I'm too busy for anything, but I'm really not... I've just become lazy and enjoy my peace and quiet far too much. SO I need better balance and moderation.

 

Anyway, I attended an old college friend's baby shower today. It was my first time seeing her in 4 years.

 

I didn't really know her friends, and I just felt so awkward there. I guess I'm different from everyone else who was there. They all had their wife/husband with them, they were all friends, etc. I was the single guy that no one knew. They weren't exactly the friendly "Hey what's your name?" kind of people too. I felt inadequate, and really felt a lack of self-esteem at this baby shower. I felt bad too, because I felt like I should just be happy for my friend. Instead, the event to me felt like a magnifying glass zooming in all my weak spots. I kept feeling the whole time, "I can't wait to go home and watch that baseball game." Geez, have my social skills really, truly gone to hell?

 

I'm nearing 30, and I basically don't have a social circle. Since I stepped away from church (I plan to church hunt in the summer time), whatever social circle I had dissipated. I find myself uncomfortable around other guys. I prefer female friends, as 30 year old guys and I just don't mesh. I guess for a 29 year old I am still very much like a kid in spirit. I don't know a lot about cars, home repairs or the stock market .... all examples of things I often hear guys my age discuss. I just like my games, my sports and talking about "feelings and life experiences." The latter works best with females than males.

 

Anyway, everyone around me is getting married or having kids. I feel like I am on the trajectory of becoming, eventually, a bachelor for life. I dunno how I feel about it. I think on one hand, I am fine and comfortable with it, yet on the other, stigma wise, it's a little unsettling. I guess if you're 35 and still single, people will assume you are abnormal to some degree. I have even stopped looking at FB because all I read on my newsfeed are people getting married, having babies or posting their child's next milestone. Meanwhile, it's like I haven't "grown up" yet.

 

I guess I am a late bloomer in general. I mean, I just started working full time for the first time in my life. I dunno... I wanna feel good to just be me... but I also feel icky about myself. I don't think I was meant to live life this way... so isolated and out of touch with everyone else. I used to be more outgoing, more social and more fearless.

 

Well, not to paint myself out as a total loser, I will say at the party I did have a good conversation with a girl my age. I actually met her 4 years ago the last time I saw my friend at her bday party. I could tell she was "checking me out"... she said she remembered me from 4 years ago, she had broken up with her BF, and she was asking me a lot of personal questions. I could tell she was kind of sizing me up. At the end, we hugged and I predicted she would have asked me for my information.

 

Sure enough she goes "Oh you gotta give me your # or Facebook or something!"

 

She's cool, but I dunno if I see her as anything more than a friend. I think I might have commitment issues (unless she's a girl I totally click with). I find I often chicken out of things that could be good for me, but that also put me at a chance to get hurt. I know a few girls I probably could have dated, but chose not to pursue because they didn't "ring my bell" hard enough. Not in a sexual way... chemistry wise. Like, I see them more as sisters.

 

Anyway, I left the party a bit early and just felt kind of alone and empty. Here I was leaving this house packed of people who were friends with each other, celebrating life... and I was going home alone... with no social circle. Ah, 29 is a tough age when you are kind of "starting over again." Everyone's already taken and already in their own social circle.

 

I'm starting to feel like I've become too comfortable settling for life's crumbs, and starting to get that feeling that I might be on the path of the 40 year old bachelor if I don't change up some lifestyle habits.

 

I guess the hardest part is discipline and following through. Certain nights I feel this incredible pang of inspiration, and I feel like I'm gonna work my way to positive change. But then the magic of the night fades, it's the next day, reality hits, and my old urges fire up again. For example, I really want to drop some weight and be skinny for the 1st time in my life. But I don't exercise enough and I eat pizza/burgers more than I should. Everytime I say I'll limit myself, I find myself lazily pulling into the drive through.

 

I think losing some weight this summer will be a good goal starter for me. To feel better, look better and just start on that road to self-improvement.

 

Sorry this post is so long. If you've read it at all, I thank you. Any advice, tips, similar stories/struggles, ANY feedback from anyone would be appreciated.

 

Thanks for your time.

 

PS- I guess you can call this period of my life officially... a slump. A social slump, a physical slump and a mental/spiritual slump. I need to change some things up.

[pie2]

It's surprising how quickly small changes add up over time. I'd say rather than overwhelming yourself trying to do a 180 by summer, focus on making little changes, week by week, month by month. It's a lot easier to maintain.

Edited April 7, 2013 by pie2

[Teknoe]

It's surprising how quickly small changes add up over time. I'd say rather than overwhelming yourself trying to do a 180 by summer, focus on making little changes, week by week, month by month. It's a lot easier to maintain.

 

So true, all points of your post.

 

1. Small changes quickly add up. Make small + changes = big + difference after a while. Make small maybe not so + changes = big - difference after a while. I think when I broke away from the group I was enjoying my peace and quiet... the hangouts were OK but by the end of 2012 they felt really forced and I just realized I didn't really want to hang out with them every 4 weeks or so. Sometimes they invited me out 2x a month, and it was just too much for me because I didn't feel a tight connection with the group. It felt burdensome to reject them, but even worse when I accepted their invites, went and came home feeling "Why couldn't I just say no?"

 

2. Focusing on little changes starting now: YES, I'm already hitting on this. Tonight I did my workout... that marks two nights in a row for the first time in God... 4-5 months?? I'm determined to start working out again, and eating healthier, bit by bit. Hopefully by June (2 months from now), I will be well on my way with the entire summer to be able to truly focus on getting in the best possible shape of my life.

 

Right now it's past midnight and it's funny... I feel so much better than when I posted this thread earlier around 9ish PM?

 

Maybe because I worked out since then? Endorphins being released...

 

OR... maybe because I find Friday and Saturday nights between 7-11 PM to be the most depressing. I feel like I should be out. Doing something, meeting people, spending time with good friends. But after midnight, it's like this calm overtakes me, and I feel the "magic of the night" and I grow really optimistic about the future and how, if I just make small + changes bit by bit, eventually I'll be able to look back and say "Damn look at how far I've come."

 

Hope... it's the greatest thing in the world. Just something going on and something to look forward to. Keep the good thoughts going, because our thoughts are what keep us going. They really do.

 

Peace!

[CC12]

(I plan to church hunt in the summer time)

 

I think losing some weight this summer will be a good goal starter for me.

 

Is there a reason you're planning these things for the summer instead of doing them now? It's easy to tell yourself, "Tomorrow/next week/this summer I'll do the difficult thing that I know I need to do, but for today, I'm just going to stay home and eat a cheeseburger." You can tell yourself that same thing every day for the rest of your life and you'll never get anywhere. Make tomorrow the day that you will start working on both of those things.

 

Sign up for a gym or a pay for one of those diet plans (Weight Watchers) tomorrow. Make a financial commitment. Maybe that will make it easier for you to follow through. If wake up the next day and don't want to use it, psych yourself up by telling yourself that you're wasting your own money by staying in and being a lump.

 

 

 

She's cool, but I dunno if I see her as anything more than a friend

Doesn't matter. Invite her out to some friendly social activities. Maybe you'll get to know her better and see her as more than a friend. Maybe you won't. The point is to get out and see people. Meet up with old friends. Go to church functions. I've found through personal experience that the more you stay home, the more difficult being outside gets. Being social is a skill you have to practice. You kind of lose it if you don't use it.

 

I guess if you're 35 and still single, people will assume you are abnormal to some degree.

Some people will assume that you're abnormal, but that would make them judgmental jerks who aren't to be listened to, right? Honestly, "Single at 35" isn't all that uncommon or strange. It's not a big deal.

 

 

Good luck, Teknoe.

[CC12]

Tonight I did my workout... that marks two nights in a row

 

That is awesome! Keep up the good work!

[tbf]

Teknoe, you can spin your life in the negative or you can try to shift your perception. Reading your posts, consider it this way:

• You have a decent full time job that you enjoy.
  
• You went to a friend's shower, someone who you haven't seen in four years.
  
• Went to a party where a girl hit on you and appears interested enough to stay in contact by soliciting you for information.
  
• You're working towards getting into shape.
  
• You have a few hobbies such as gaming, sports and chatting about emotions and life.
  

Is your life really as bad as you believe it to be? Or is it that you just need to increase your interests and social life? Consider how you managed to get your job, by being optimistic.

[Teknoe]

Is there a reason you're planning these things for the summer instead of doing them now? It's easy to tell yourself, "Tomorrow/next week/this summer I'll do the difficult thing that I know I need to do, but for today, I'm just going to stay home and eat a cheeseburger." You can tell yourself that same thing every day for the rest of your life and you'll never get anywhere. Make tomorrow the day that you will start working on both of those things.

 

The workouts have started. Thank you for the encouragement.

 

As for church hunting, I have summers off. I can completely focus on church hunting then. I'm a teacher so yeah... April and May will be extremely busy. Plus I tutor an autistic kid on Sundays, but that will stop in June... when he goes on summer break... and I will as well. That frees up my Sundays to go church hunting.

 

I agree that social skill if not used you will lose it. I felt awkward at the baby shower like I have not felt before. I was never the greatest social cat ever, but I like to think 3 years ago I got to a pretty good point... I mean, I was leading a small group of young adults at my church at that time... I went on a mission trip to Africa and did some public speaking there... I was once full of awe and wonder. Now I feel like I've gotten a bit cynical over certain church hurts and disappointments. Deep down I know I can't hold this against God or the church, but it's a process of letting go, forgiving and accepting God's healing. People can tell you it's as easy as praying and accepting, but it is a process. I'm working through it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, you can spin your life in the negative or you can try to shift your perception. Reading your posts, consider it this way:

• You have a decent full time job that you enjoy.
  
• You went to a friend's shower, someone who you haven't seen in four years.
  
• Went to a party where a girl hit on you and appears interested enough to stay in contact by soliciting you for information.
  
• You're working towards getting into shape.
  
• You have a few hobbies such as gaming, sports and chatting about emotions and life.
  

Is your life really as bad as you believe it to be? Or is it that you just need to increase your interests and social life? Consider how you managed to get your job, by being optimistic.

 

Thanks, TBF, for phrasing my post in such a positive light! That is true, I am blessed. I apologize if I came off as complaining/venting too much. Sometimes I just need to let that steam out, and the internet is a "safe" annonymous place where I can do just that.

 

Certainly, my life is not bad. I think I've just been on a negative spin lately, as I approach 30 and see others at an area in life where I am not. I guess I've gotten caught up with comparing myself to others (again).

 

I think it's a case of needing to increase my interest and social life. I just need to get myself back on the 8-ball, so to speak. I think being isolated Saturday night after Saturday night has perpetuated my cynical thoughts.

 

I am actually a very positive person, but I think in the last year with various hurts and disappointments and "God, why not me?" (in terms of relationships)... I'm just being a little emo right now lol.

 

Thanks again for your positive post. It brought a smile to my face. It reminds me of a sign I saw a homeless guy holding while I was driving to the baby shower today. His sign simply read:

 

"Smile... it could be a whole lot worse."

 

Best homeless person sign ever. I think he lifted up a lot of people with that sign, because we tend to take the smallest big things for granted.

 

You are right tbf, I am blessed and I am not terrible. I just need to improve on a few things to continue becoming the man I hope to one day become.

[tbf]

Hey, no need to apologize. That's what LS is for. A place to unburden yourself with issues that have been bothering you.

 

I just hate to see you down in the dumps. You're one of the good'uns.

[Teknoe]

Hey, no need to apologize. That's what LS is for. A place to unburden yourself with issues that have been bothering you.

 

I just hate to see you down in the dumps. You're one of the good'uns.

 

You're sweet! Yeah it's funny you mention me being down in the dumps, because I clicked on my threads started history... the majority of my threads early on were soooo positive. But my threads I started in the last 6 or so months have been more negative, more venting. This is a great time to do a re-evaluation and maybe switch up some life strategies.

 

I do know March was a tough month in terms of teaching. My kids got a little wild, drove me crazy and truth be told, I kind of did a so-so job in March. I didn't prepare nearly as much as I should have. Not like I did August-February. So, I am starting to work harder and plan to stay in my classroom every day after school UNTIL my work for the next day has been prepped.

 

I think the last month of ineffective teaching + crazy kids have contributed to my downward mental spiral. I just need to get back to doing the best I can, instead of going half-way, and it's funny how one thing done right leads to the next.

 

Getting back on my game!

[Teknoe]

So, that girl I mentioned in the 1st post of this thread sent me an add request earlier this morning, as I predicted she would.

 

I accepted and she sent me this message, which I predicted she would:

 

"Hey Teknoe - it was nice seeing you again yesterday. Let's keep in touch. The more friends, the better, right?"

 

I don't feel an attraction to her but just to be nice I'll say sure, and see where it goes from there. I guess it can't hurt to have friends and not completely shut out people who you are not attracted to.