Why do men treat women so badly?

[Roadkill007]

AGREED.

 

Women (and men) have it tough. We all get "hooked" only to find out later that the SO is a son-of-a-turd. Too bad there's no way of finding out about their past relationships and upbringing, huh?

 

Yeah, it does take more than to simply be a nice guy. Much more....

 

 

I don't think it only has to do with the romantic field either. Some friends I've made, I made thinking they were nice, only to find out that they were jerks in their own way (both males and females ofc). An example of that, there was one girl who enjoyed the feeling of power she felt by causing drama between my group of friends. When I met her, she showed none of the signs of being a manipulative bitch. They only came out once she befriended some of my friends : then she started being a bitch to my other friends and forced the guys she was friendly with to take sides. She pulled the group apart, then exited all of our lives, including the guys she was friendly with who sided with her in the big fight.

 

It's similar to how parents normally try to protect their kids against pedophiles by telling them to not talk to strangers, when most often, the pedophiles are people who've become close to them so that they're in a position to "babysit" when the parents need someone to keep an eye on their kid. These "predators" know how to get what they want, whether it's physical or emotional assault. What do "men who treat women badly" get from treating women badly? The feeling of power? Just tons of sex? Could be anything and everything. The big thing is that people need to learn to see and trust the red flags that show up to cut the cancer before it spreads. It may be initially painful, but it'll save you tons of pain further on.

[KungFuJoe]

This might sound harsh to some, but if you get treated badly by a partner (where marriage and/or kids aren't involved) over an extended period of time, it's your own fault.

 

If you keep letting it happen, you got issues.

 

Grow a pair and get the **** out.

 

I've never been treated badly in a relationship or even someone I was dating. I can sniff out the bitches a mile away, so it never even got there. But if it did...if I even sensed the slightest bit of rudeness coming my way...oh man she would get shown the door so fast......

 

People will treat you in exactly the manner that you let them.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

No. What I really mean was that guys don't really care for my assertiveness. They just go to the next girl willing to put up with their bad behavior.

 

Well, there is good assertive and bad assertive. Sometimes women who think they are being "good assertive" are being more "bad assertive". Of course, sometimes it's the guy too. But if you find that you keep getting bad results with guys, maybe try something new that doesn't compromise whaty ou want as well?

[soccerrprp]

If I were your sister, what would you advise me to do (so that it doesn't happen even that first time)?

 

Ah, so you're going to put me on the spot, huh?

 

If you were my sister, I would tell you to diplomatically and nicely inform the guy what your expectations are and smile the whole time.

 

I recently dated a woman that did exactly that. She was hot like that! BUT, more importantly she made her point and I knew where I stood.

 

If you were my sister, I would also tell you not to have sex until the wedding night and after I've carefully examined the guy. Oh, and I would insist on knowing exactly where you were during your dates and I'd follow, spy on you. But I wouldn't tell you that part.

 

Oh, sorry you didn't to hear all that.

 

Oh, yeah, also tell him that you 2 brothers who will be watching....cough. Uhm, sorry. Irrelevant, I know.

Edited April 7, 2013 by soccerrprp

[sayitasitis]

Well, there is good assertive and bad assertive. Sometimes women who think they are being "good assertive" are being more "bad assertive". Of course, sometimes it's the guy too. But if you find that you keep getting bad results with guys, maybe try something new that doesn't compromise whaty ou want as well?

 

This makes sense.

 

Also a couple has to be the right fit. An ideal would be the woman being good assertive and the man willing to listen to her asserting and then they work together at the relationship.

[sayitasitis]

Ah, so you're going to put me on the spot, huh?

 

If you were my sister, I would tell you to diplomatically and nicely inform the guy what your expectations are and smile the whole time.

 

I recently dated a woman that did exactly that. She was hot like that! BUT, more importantly she made her point and I knew where I stood.

 

If you were my sister, I would also tell you not to have sex until the wedding night and after I've carefully examined the guy. Oh, and I would insist on knowing exactly where you were during your dates and I'd follow, spy on you. But I wouldn't tell you that part.

 

Oh, sorry you didn't to hear all that.

 

Oh, yeah, also tell him that you 2 brothers who will be watching....cough. Uhm, sorry. Irrelevant, I know.

 

LOL. Now I really wish you were my brother.

 

I like the smile part. However a lot of times when I do it nicely, the men don't get that I'm being serious.

 

But the saving oneself until wedding night. Really?

[Shocksock]

Why do women always crawl back to men who treat them badly?

 

Discuss.

[xxoo]

Ah, so you're going to put me on the spot, huh?

 

If you were my sister, I would tell you to diplomatically and nicely inform the guy what your expectations are and smile the whole time.

 

I recently dated a woman that did exactly that. She was hot like that! BUT, more importantly she made her point and I knew where I stood.

 

Great advice!

 

Man or woman, you have to be willing to walk away if someone isn't treating you well. Walk away early. Choose to be alone rather than to be with someone who doesn't treat you well.

 

Like-minded people find each other. People who buy into the "jerk" theory find each other. People who don't buy into it find each other. It's as much about how you think and live your life as it is about how you date.

[KungFuJoe]

Why do women always crawl back to men who treat them badly?

 

Discuss.

 

Why do people make idiotic blanket assumptions?

 

Discuss.

[soccerrprp]

LOL. Now I really wish you were my brother.

 

I like the smile part. However a lot of times when I do it nicely, the men don't get that I'm being serious.

 

But the saving oneself until wedding night. Really?

 

Yeah, the ex lady-friend didn't smile much then either. But she was pleasant.

 

Okay, no, not until the wedding night. I'm realistic.

[xxoo]

LOL. Now I really wish you were my brother.

 

I like the smile part. However a lot of times when I do it nicely, the men don't get that I'm being serious.

 

They'll know that you're serious when they can tell you are strong enough to simply walk away--no shame, no blame, just two people who aren't compatible, and you wish them well on your way out.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

This makes sense.

 

Also a couple has to be the right fit. An ideal would be the woman being good assertive and the man willing to listen to her asserting and then they work together at the relationship.

 

I agree.

 

Sometimes I play around with this myself and explore doing subtle different things in my relationships that aren't second nature to see what works and what doesn't work. It's about learning how to compromise with people while still maintaining your boundries. There are times when I've slipped into "bad assertive" and it can alienate the guy. But if you have open communication with your partner, they should be able to tell you this in return and work it out with you. Although, open communication is often a learned skill that takes a life time to work on.

[sayitasitis]

Yeah, the ex lady-friend didn't smile much then either. But she was pleasant.

 

Okay, no, not until the wedding night. I'm realistic.

 

Realism is good.

 

Add reasonable to pleasant. I like to fight fair.

[dasein]

If you're measured all the time, you're overly cautious and lose that "edge" women are supposedly attracted to. I should know, as I never make any major decision before much thought. Heck, I don't even buy milk before comparing two different companies on the Internet!

 

There is a difference between impulsivity and being spontaneous. Once one has established a foundation of measured, reasonable behavior over time, then ironically, it becomes easier to be spontaneous in a good way, which is also the product of original measured thought. Impulsive behavior never reaches that, simply pattern emotional responses to particular stimuli.

 

If one chooses to do the out of the ordinary after weighing options (like George Costanza doing the opposite of what he usually does), that's spontaneity. If one never measures, but just responds to emotion in the moment, that's impulsivity. People who are impulsive end up attracting other impulsives, and bad treatment is a product of such unhealthy dynamics IME.

[sayitasitis]

I agree.

 

Sometimes I play around with this myself and explore doing subtle different things in my relationships that aren't second nature to see what works and what doesn't work. It's about learning how to compromise with people while still maintaining your boundries. There are times when I've slipped into "bad assertive" and it can alienate the guy. But if you have open communication with your partner, they should be able to tell you this in return and work it out with you. Although, open communication is often a learned skill that takes a life time to work on.

 

All the more why I appreciate men that are willing to listen to my asserting and work with me at the relationship. And if they feel I was being bad assertive at any time, they tell me straight up.

 

However there haven't been many of such fit in my life.

[joystickd]

didn't read the post but I can answer the question in your title. Men do that simply because we women let them! I wish we all had higher standards...then men wouldn't be able to get away with what they do now.

I have to totally agree with this. People only do what has worked for them. In order to change the behavior of men you have to look to your own gender. It's just like guys complaining about golddiggers they have to get men to stop leading with their wallet.

[Woggle]

The question I have for men like that is, why do you want to treat women badly? Why isn't it preferable to have a mutually loving relationship?

 

Because some men genuinely do try and have that and when it keeps blowing up in their face they say the hell with it and start emulating the men who have success. At that point their respect for women is very low so they don't feel guilt about being a jerk. It's a sad and vicious cycle because the victims of these men then turn around and abuse good men who then turn around and repeat the cycle over and over again.

[mortensorchid]

What is being treated badly? Any examples?

 

Here is an example:

 

Second to last LTR was between me and this guy who lived in Illinois. We were in an LDR. He told me the entire time that I was his dream come true, I was wonderful and he was very happy with me. Then one day he changed and he changed drastically. I came for a weekend with him and he was miserable, angry and bitter towards me and everyone around him. What was wrong with him? He had a male friend who was going through some terrible things with his wife (which is a whole other story that I won't get into here), mostly centered around her want to have children and his saying he was not ready. My bf said in a definate and angry voice "I don't want children!" just out of the blue, sulking. I was bowled over, I did not say a word about this during the whole time we were dating or at that moment about children. He said some more things that were angry and abusive sounding, I asked him "What's wrong? Have I done or said something to make you angry? What IS this about?" He said "NOTHING." and then he wouldn't talk for the rest of the day.

 

I came home thinking something has made him very angry, but what was it? A few weeks later we were together again and he let it all out. He hated all my friends (save for two who he had said "hi how are you to" if that), hated all my stupid projects and what I was all about. He said I say weird things to people, I asked "like what?" There was one time I was out with him somewhere, there was this guy next to me who was playing with his cell phone. I said I have the same one he does and I do that with my phone as well. This guy and I chatted about cell phones for about a minute, then he went his way and I went mine never to speak a word again. That was weird. I said "I don't see anything wrong with that, what is so weird about that?" He said it wasn't going to be permanent set up if I didn't loose weight and quit smoking, so I had dropped 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose and quit smoking for about 5 weeks at that point, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. I said that was a very mean, immature thing for him to say : set a demand, get what he wants, then not want what he has. And then he let all his rage break loose and it ended up with me thrown against the wall and kicked twice. And he wasn't sorry in the slightest, he told me he hoped I would be happy with what I made him do.

 

Barely a year later, he met and married another woman. THis was her 3rd marriage, she had 2 children from each previous marriage. He was so eager to have someone in his life that he agreed to marry this woman, support her and her kids, and even paid for her daughter's education. That lasted three years. She picked up and left him, moving to another state, and then divorced him, married husband #4 and has since divorced husband #4. Talk about bad, huh?

[tbf]

Man or woman, you have to be willing to walk away if someone isn't treating you well. Walk away early. Choose to be alone rather than to be with someone who doesn't treat you well.

 

Like-minded people find each other. People who buy into the "jerk" theory find each other. People who don't buy into it find each other. It's as much about how you think and live your life as it is about how you date.

Can't like this post enough and wanted to add to it.

 

Never fear loss and not by devaluing partners or getting cynical and bitter. It's more of an internal strength issue where you don't allow your fear of loss to rationalize away bad treatment. Once someone starts treating you poorly, that's when boundaries need to be discussed. If the partner continues to treat you poorly, walk away. You won't die from a break up, unless mental illness is involved.

[Woggle]

If men were rewarded for the traits that many women say they want in a man I would bet everything I own that men would change for the better almost overnight. Women don't realize that if they wanted they could have better men in a heartbeat.

 

Of course men need to stop going after shallow drama queens and actually look at the women who do appreciate good men.

[apple OR orange]

bad guys get women, its how the planet works

[tbf]

Here is an example:

 

Second to last LTR was between me and this guy who lived in Illinois. We were in an LDR. He told me the entire time that I was his dream come true, I was wonderful and he was very happy with me. Then one day he changed and he changed drastically.

LDRs can be fraught full of imaginary beliefs since you're not with the person on a continuous basis. Even if you're in contact continuously, people tend to fill in the blanks of what they believe the person to be, instead of who that person is.

 

Can you flesh out the timeline of how long you were together and at what point in the timeline he turned?

 

I came for a weekend with him and he was miserable, angry and bitter towards me and everyone around him. What was wrong with him? He had a male friend who was going through some terrible things with his wife (which is a whole other story that I won't get into here), mostly centered around her want to have children and his saying he was not ready. My bf said in a definate and angry voice "I don't want children!" just out of the blue, sulking. I was bowled over, I did not say a word about this during the whole time we were dating or at that moment about children. He said some more things that were angry and abusive sounding, I asked him "What's wrong? Have I done or said something to make you angry? What IS this about?" He said "NOTHING." and then he wouldn't talk for the rest of the day.

It's possible that somehow, he saw similarities between his friend's wife and your behaviours. If you add in that LDRs can be full of imagination, it wouldn't be surprising that he turned based on imaginary negatives that had nothing to do with having children.

 

I came home thinking something has made him very angry, but what was it?

While you were with him, why didn't you ask him after he calmed down?

 

A few weeks later we were together again and he let it all out. He hated all my friends (save for two who he had said "hi how are you to" if that), hated all my stupid projects and what I was all about. He said I say weird things to people, I asked "like what?" There was one time I was out with him somewhere, there was this guy next to me who was playing with his cell phone. I said I have the same one he does and I do that with my phone as well. This guy and I chatted about cell phones for about a minute, then he went his way and I went mine never to speak a word again. That was weird. I said "I don't see anything wrong with that, what is so weird about that?" He said it wasn't going to be permanent set up if I didn't loose weight and quit smoking, so I had dropped 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose and quit smoking for about 5 weeks at that point, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. I said that was a very mean, immature thing for him to say : set a demand, get what he wants, then not want what he has. And then he let all his rage break loose and it ended up with me thrown against the wall and kicked twice. And he wasn't sorry in the slightest, he told me he hoped I would be happy with what I made him do.

This is classic abusive behaviour. Set a bar and then nitpick how the person attained it. In other words, you will never be good enough.

 

When someone suddenly sets a harsh bar like losing weight and quitting smoking even though both are good for your health, this is a huge red flag since they're telling you they don't accept you "as is".

 

Two huge red flag is someone who emotionally lashes out at others when they're upset about something else and then, won't discuss why.

 

Add in those three huge red flags and it's time to bail.

 

This sudden turning might be indicative of someone with borderline personality disorder since it's the emotional whiplash of splitting. People are either angels or demons. Or it might be indicative of someone passive who has lost that loving feeling and is trying to push the other person to breakup with them. My guess is that it's the latter or both, since you were perfect, then he admitted to hating everything about you. In essence, he hid all his resentments until they came boiling out of him in over-reaction. A passive-aggressive personality type.

 

Barely a year later, he met and married another woman. THis was her 3rd marriage, she had 2 children from each previous marriage. He was so eager to have someone in his life that he agreed to marry this woman, support her and her kids, and even paid for her daughter's education. That lasted three years. She picked up and left him, moving to another state, and then divorced him, married husband #4 and has since divorced husband #4. Talk about bad, huh?

I wonder about the angel/demon cycle for both of them.

[soccerrprp]

bad guys get women, its how the planet works

 

Now to get back to "planet" Earth...

 

Some bad guys get women, but so do some good guys.

[xxoo]

Here is an example:

 

Second to last LTR was between me and this guy who lived in Illinois. We were in an LDR. He told me the entire time that I was his dream come true, I was wonderful and he was very happy with me. Then one day he changed and he changed drastically. I came for a weekend with him and he was miserable, angry and bitter towards me and everyone around him. What was wrong with him? He had a male friend who was going through some terrible things with his wife (which is a whole other story that I won't get into here), mostly centered around her want to have children and his saying he was not ready. My bf said in a definate and angry voice "I don't want children!" just out of the blue, sulking. I was bowled over, I did not say a word about this during the whole time we were dating or at that moment about children. He said some more things that were angry and abusive sounding, I asked him "What's wrong? Have I done or said something to make you angry? What IS this about?" He said "NOTHING." and then he wouldn't talk for the rest of the day.

 

I came home thinking something has made him very angry, but what was it? A few weeks later we were together again and he let it all out. He hated all my friends (save for two who he had said "hi how are you to" if that), hated all my stupid projects and what I was all about. He said I say weird things to people, I asked "like what?" There was one time I was out with him somewhere, there was this guy next to me who was playing with his cell phone. I said I have the same one he does and I do that with my phone as well. This guy and I chatted about cell phones for about a minute, then he went his way and I went mine never to speak a word again. That was weird. I said "I don't see anything wrong with that, what is so weird about that?" He said it wasn't going to be permanent set up if I didn't loose weight and quit smoking, so I had dropped 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose and quit smoking for about 5 weeks at that point, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. I said that was a very mean, immature thing for him to say : set a demand, get what he wants, then not want what he has. And then he let all his rage break loose and it ended up with me thrown against the wall and kicked twice. And he wasn't sorry in the slightest, he told me he hoped I would be happy with what I made him do.

 

Barely a year later, he met and married another woman. THis was her 3rd marriage, she had 2 children from each previous marriage. He was so eager to have someone in his life that he agreed to marry this woman, support her and her kids, and even paid for her daughter's education. That lasted three years. She picked up and left him, moving to another state, and then divorced him, married husband #4 and has since divorced husband #4. Talk about bad, huh?

 

In retrospect, when do you believe you had enough information to know that you needed to leave?

 

Silent treatment #1 would have been a huge red flag for me. If he followed that up with a string of things he doesn't like about me/my friends--strike two, I'm out. Dating? No kids? Why would you choose to stay at that point?

 

For me, trust is vital to a relationship. And trust has to do with far more than sexual fidelity. If I can not trust a man with my feelings, there is no point.

[Esoteric Elf]

What do you define as "treating badly"? I find often that men and women have different modes of communication, thus parties get hurt because of lack of/poor communication. Men need to understand women, what they desire, and how to help them fulfill that desire in a most beneficial way while women should strive to do likewise. Many times, there is not a substantial blame that can be put exclusively on one partner: often there is blame enough to go around and both partners have things (actions, words, etc.) that, had he/she improved upon, would not have lead to a break-up or pain.