Is there a way to gently encourage a proposal?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Hey everyone,

 

So I am 30 years old, my boyfriend is 31 years old, he has a 9 year old son from another marriage that we have every other weekend as well.

 

We've been together for one year but it feels like much longer -- we've lived together 8 months, been inseparable this whole time and been through lots of things together (i broke my foot and had a cast for months, he had surgery and rehab time, etc).

 

We're flying together to my home country in a week where he'll meet eeeeveryone in my family there. He's already met my parents when they came to visit 4 months into the relationship. We spend a ton of time with my family here in this country and see his family every week for family meals, I know everyone, I'm always invited to everything. Since we moved in together we've only spent one night apart during a holiday, and since we've taken turns with each other's families on holidays.

 

We had some issues that took a while to work through but we did, the past 4 months or so have been great and we're finally through it. We both have told each other that we're certain about each other, I told him a month ago in no uncertain terms that when he proposes I'll say yes.

 

We've talked about how many kids we want, where they'll be schooled, where we'll want to buy a home.

 

I don't bring this stuff up very much -- I have friends that pressure their boyfriends and it's not my style, I want this to be his decision and him to feel like he made it of his own accord. So I've made it clear that I want to be with him after the occasional hint here and there, and now i'm waiting.

 

My friends have been saying for months that he'll propose any minute, trying to guess when it will be, but theyre always wrong and it doesnt happen.

 

He's not great at planning and making things happen, that's my role in the relationship. We have a date night every week that we take turns planning, but for that he always plans last minute and often leaves the busy work to me. There are a couple of exceptions. On my birthday, which was also our 6 month anniversary, he surprised me with a beautiful watch and a romantic weekend away at a resort complete with high end restaurant meals and massages.

 

Our one year anniversary was on thursday and he surprised me again, i knew hed made plans this time but didnt know what. We went to a great art exhibition and when we got back in the car he pulled out a bag and gave it to me. It was a beautiful necklace and earrings made of white gold, theyre perfect.

 

The only thing is that I read the card first which said how this year has been incredible, how he knows im the only woman out there for him, how he wants to be with me for years and years to come. Then I saw the small box the earrings were in and for a second thought maybe this was it and he was proposing -- I hid the twinge of disappointment I felt and told him a thousand times how much I love them.

 

I know he wants to marry me, but I know he procrastinates and I don't want this to drag. We want 2 or 3 kids and i dont want to wait too long to get started. The wedding itself will require my family to fly across the world and will take time to plan. I don't see what the point is in waiting when we're both sure but while we're both so happy together and already living together, I don't know what will make him actually pull the trigger.

 

I know I probably seem impatient, it's only been a year, but i SO wanted him to meet my family as my fiance, not just my boyfriend. I really really hoped for a proposal before the trip, but it's clear that's not happening Also, i know for a fact that it's not that he's waiting to meet the rest of my family, he already knows everyone who would be critical. This is extended family.

 

This is waaaay longer than I intended, if anyone has had the patience to read this far, any advice? Anything I can do to gently move this along?

 

For you men that have proposed, what made you actually go out and buy a ring and do it?

 

Thanks!!

[xxoo]

We've talked about how many kids we want, where they'll be schooled, where we'll want to buy a home.

 

Do these subjects continue to come up and be discussed?

 

If they do, then that is a natural time to bring up marriage. Ask him if he has marriage plans, too. Ask him when he wants those kids.

 

Make it your goal to understand where he is on this, and his true feelings about marriage. Is he excited about it? Or is he avoidant?

[Lauriebell82]

My feeling is that he feels that he wants to marry you, he loves you, and has made it clear that he wants a future for you. Unfortunately, you are just going to have to wait until he is ready to propose. Agonizing I know, but all the signs are there and I'm sure it is going to happen. My husband didn't propose until 2 years 9 months into our relationship. I got ancy and impatient, but he needed to do it on his own time, he wasn't in a huge rush. Sounds like your boyfriend is the same way.

 

I feel for ya, I've been there. But it was sooooo worth the wait. So don't give up on him. I'm glad I didn't give up on my husband.

[Poppy fields]

You could fake a pregnancy. Just kidding!!!

 

I think there is nothing you can do to nudge him along that would not be completely obvious to him what you are doing. It will seem like manipulation and that is so not attractive. This could backfire on you as he might not like the pressure and will subsequently take even more time to ask you.

 

If he wants to do it he will. You just have to wait unless you want to ball up and propose to him yourself. In the meantime, try to relax and maybe that will work to take the pressure off that he may be feeling right now.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Thanks for the replies everyone!! We've had conversations about marriage and how we both absolutely want to get married and have children/build a family.

 

I decided to stop avoiding this and approach the subject of where we stand directly last night and now I wish I hadn't, maybe ignorance is bliss.

 

I asked him where he felt that we stood and admitted that I'd hoped he'd propose before the trip, although obviously it's ok that he hasn't, I understand. He asked me if it would bother me knowing that he proposed just because we were going on this trip and I said of course not, sometimes there are catalyzing events - we moved in togther earlier than we would have because my lease ended, and that doesn't change the fact that we both really wanted to live together (first time for both of us other than his living with his wife after gettig married).

 

He said he's sure he wants to be with me and it's a matter of time and it feeling right. That it's all about the right timing and his feeling -- I told him from the beginning that from my perspective you should know within a year. But also something about how we got off to a bumpy start and we still have arguments on the same issues sometimes and he has issues because of his past.

 

At this point I started stressing, it's a HUGE deal for me that he's coming home with me and meeting my whole family. It's not something I would do if I wasn't completely SURE about him and now I know he doesn't feel te same way.

 

He told me that he wants to marry me but doesn't want to propose until he's 100% about it, just like he never makes a promise to me unless he's totally certain (which he really doesn't, he's never changed his mind after a promise or not come through).

 

So I've been feeling like I need some distance sinc this talk, I kind if wish we didn't live togther so I could have some space. Last night when he got in bed he held me really right and said to me "about our conversation earlier, you really don't need to worry okay? You shouldn't worry, you're the woman I want".I don't know what that means, If he really wanted to marry me now he'd propose, but he doesn't.

 

We go on a date together very week and this morning he kept telling me how beautiful and amazing I am and asked to go on our date tomorrow and I said ok but UGH I don't want to. I don't want him to think I'm angry at him, I'm not, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm making a giant mistake and this will end in disaster.

 

I mean, after this year together, with us going away together across the world, he still isn't sure? How will that ever change then???

 

Sorry about the long post again, I'm just so so sad right now :(. I'm trying to tell myself it will be ok but I'm not so sure it will

[pcplod]

I think you may have to be prepared to review your perspective on your fledgling relationship.

 

Firstly, if he has a 9 year-old son there must be a good chance that he has been through the wringer at least once already and that will inevitably colour his attitude.

 

Secondly, what people are prepared to say ie about marriage, and what they are prepared to do about it, end up being two completely different things. He is possibly prevaricating in reality because of the point above.

 

Thirdly. It is really amazing how many single mothers put off having another serious relationship until their kids are a lot more self-reliant. It helps them avoid potential complications that they feel would only make a new relationship difficult. It usually isn't the same for the single dad because the practical upbringing of the kids doesn't have the same practical impact for them. Nevertheless, their instinct is that there could be conflicts of interest between you and his ex-partner involving the kids upbringing that he maybe instinctively wants to avoid.

 

Fourthly, he already has "dad" responsibilities, albeit his son is now 9 years old, but you have also discussed having kids together, so he faces the prospect of being a dad at the same time with two different women. Some men do this all the time but is not to say that they don't find it a bit more than a daunting prospect.

 

The only thing I think I can encourage you to do is to imagine yourself in his position and think how you might think about your position together as him, not as you. It may help you get that wider perspective. Not that it should inhibit what you might or ought to do about your future.

 

It's a tired old cliché, but one that still holds true; sometimes people who are in love are simply not destined to live together. Let's face it, we all know it happens all the time.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds like my husband when we were dating. His words were "dont worry, you arent wasting your time."

 

Your boyfriend told you he wants to marry you and that he wants to be sure. Sounds like you are in more of a hurry though (as was I) But you are just going to have to wait. It may not be for a year (or more). Can you accept that?

[Radu]

I'm not gonna be nice, which is good for you, because you've been coddled and 'validated' enough in my opinion.

 

You are 30, and he is 31, he has a 9yr old son.

 

Let's look at a number of choice facts from your posts :

- you moved in with him when you had been together for just 4months; why ?

He has a young child [8yrs old], for how long have the two of you been together when you met him ?

- what did your parents say to you when they came to visit, 4months into the relationship ?

- who initiated the conversations about kids, future, etc ?

- your friends are not really healthy to your relationship and it is your duty to stomp that out, why haven't you ?

First of all they set a bad example by pressuring their bf's, but that's not such a bad thing for you unless this gets to you eventually [and it has].

Second, while you with your action [when are we getting married honey ???] have caused this, it was their influence that helped you get to this point.

The fact that they kept trying to guess when he will propose, got your hopes up only to crash them horribly each time, thereby increasing your stress levels on this subject.

Your friends are bad for your relationship, and you need to stop this.

- if a guy is bad at planning and yet he doesn't forget your b-day, or other ocasions and makes an effort for that, than he most certainly cares about you.

- "The only thing is that I read the card first which said how this year has been incredible, how he knows im the only woman out there for him, how he wants to be with me for years and years to come. Then I saw the small box the earrings were in and for a second thought maybe this was it and he was proposing -- I hid the twinge of disappointment I felt and told him a thousand times how much I love them. "

Are you reading what you wrote ?

You have a guy who remembers your anniversay, who wants to be with you, who buys you expensive gifts, and you are dissapointed ?

Does that not strike you as odd at the very least ?

 

"I know he wants to marry me, but I know he procrastinates and I don't want this to drag. We want 2 or 3 kids and i dont want to wait too long to get started. The wedding itself will require my family to fly across the world and will take time to plan. I don't see what the point is in waiting when we're both sure but while we're both so happy together and already living together, I don't know what will make him actually pull the trigger."

He is not procrastinating, he is following his own timetable.

Just like you are following your own timetable, except yours is subject to influence by your friends, and other ppl; you allow peer pressure to get to you, and it is affecting your relationship.

Further, it is my belief that you view this whole marriage as a wrong thing, while he views it right [so far].

Marriage is the cherry on the top, not the whole damn cake; getting married will not solve issues and make everything perfect, if anything it will just increase them and right now you are making a very big argument to him of why you should not get married.

 

"I know I probably seem impatient, it's only been a year, but i SO wanted him to meet my family as my fiance, not just my boyfriend. I really really hoped for a proposal before the trip, but it's clear that's not happening Also, i know for a fact that it's not that he's waiting to meet the rest of my family, he already knows everyone who would be critical. This is extended family."

You don't seem impatient, you seem insecure, there's a major difference.

Well i have news for you honey [and this is why i quoted all these 3 paragraphs], it's not all about what you want, because he's on this ride as well, and he [unlike you] has to make a decision about a child as well.

You are right now, making the best possible case for why he shouldn't marry you.

I don't think your worst enemy could do a better job.

----------------------- from your 2nd post

- ignorance is certainly bliss, but you were not ignorant, he basically told you the same thing you wrote in your OP, he did not say anything different.

You are putting all the stress that others are causing on you [society and friends] and dumping it on him, when you should be having his back.

- "He asked me if it would bother me knowing that he proposed just because we were going on this trip and I said of course not, sometimes there are catalyzing events - we moved in togther earlier than we would have because my lease ended, and that doesn't change the fact that we both really wanted to live together (first time for both of us other than his living with his wife after gettig married). "

So you lied to him.

That's a great start for a marriage.

I also love that your lease trumped his son's emotional security.

- you think that a guy should know within a yr, well that's your perspective but it's wrong on 2 possible accounts, 1) his decision is not his alone, he needs to make sure it's the right one concerning his son too, he's a grown boy [your bf] so he take care of himself in case you turn out to be a psycho but his son is still young and easy to influence, 2) even if you know as a guy that she is the one, you still want to make sure by repeated living together, checking to see if there are any arguments or other red flags.

It's like when you buy a car, you look at it, you check it out, you test it, and you still want that damn warranty that comes with it.

Being engaged or waiting a little untill marriage despite knowing she's the one is to make sure she is the one.

If he thinks like this, you'r blowing it.

- "At this point I started stressing, it's a HUGE deal for me that he's coming home with me and meeting my whole family. It's not something I would do if I wasn't completely SURE about him and now I know he doesn't feel te same way."

But you said above that to you it doesn't matter, because he has already met your family and this is just some extended family.

So which is it ?

- "He told me that he wants to marry me but doesn't want to propose until he's 100% about it, just like he never makes a promise to me unless he's totally certain (which he really doesn't, he's never changed his mind after a promise or not come through)."

Good news !

- "So I've been feeling like I need some distance sinc this talk, I kind if wish we didn't live togther so I could have some space. Last night when he got in bed he held me really right and said to me "about our conversation earlier, you really don't need to worry okay? You shouldn't worry, you're the woman I want".I don't know what that means, If he really wanted to marry me now he'd propose, but he doesn't. "

It was obviously very smart moving in so fast.

So you can't convince him to marry you on your own timetable and you now regret you can't mysteriously dissapear ?

Do you know why you feel this way ?

It's an instinctual attempt at manipulation; by dissapearing from him you are sending him a message of 'either my way, or the highway'.

- "We go on a date together very week and this morning he kept telling me how beautiful and amazing I am and asked to go on our date tomorrow and I said ok but UGH I don't want to. I don't want him to think I'm angry at him, I'm not, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm making a giant mistake and this will end in disaster."

You are making a huge mistake and it might end in a disaster, but it has nothing to do with choosing him as a SO.

It has everything to do with the fact that other ppl are dictating what should go on in your relationship.

And you are angry, a little passive-agressive about it.

- "I mean, after this year together, with us going away together across the world, he still isn't sure? How will that ever change then???

 

Sorry about the long post again, I'm just so so sad right now :(. I'm trying to tell myself it will be ok but I'm not so sure it will"

Let me break it down for you, how some guys think [and i suspect this guy thinks], i'll give you my timetable for comparison.

I don't want to get married before 2-3yrs together, no major arguments, it's very important to notice how she handles arguments, we should have been living together for a while [since i don't have much experience living with others and one needs to test the sex-drives outside of dating and in living together environment], and marriage should be the cherry on top, not the cake.

 

 

So, now for the obvious question ... have you acted like this in other relationships as well ?

Because insecurity and lack of boundaries are all over your post.

It almost seems like you need him to propose to validate you, and that's a very bad situation for a guy with a kid to be in.

[Janesays]

I think you, like many women who want marriage, made a mistake in moving in with this man before you were engaged.

 

When the subject of moving in comes up, I will usually say, "I don't feel comfortable living with a man I'm not engaged too."

 

There it is. The easy, 'non pressuring' way to let a man know that if he wants to spend his life to you, he's got to commit to more than just 'shacking up.'

 

I think women that move in before they are engaged can expect to stay in long term relationship for 3-7 years without a proposal. That's BS to me and I won't waste that much of my youth on a guy who likes security, but doesn't want to commit.

 

So. You already made the mistake. It's done, so what do you do now?

 

YOU MOVE OUT.

 

I'm not saying that you need to break up with him. I'm just saying that you should simply say, in an UNEMOTIONAL, NON DRAMA FULLED conversation....

 

"Listen, I'm going to get my own place. I am starting to feel weird about living with someone I'm not engaged too and I worry that my friends and family are looking down on me. (Refuse to provide examples here, just insist that it's how you feel) I think I'll feel a little more comfortable about our relationship and our future if I have my own space FOR NOW."

 

Then reassure him that you love him, that you are NOT breaking up with him, that you still see a future with him. Stress this is only something you are doing to feel good about yourself and to make you feel 'less pressured' by friends and family.

 

Make this a positive conversation where you say that NOTHING changes except your address. If he proposes to keep you from moving out, REFUSE. Say, "I was afraid you might do this, but honey, there is NO NEED. Nothing is changing between us. Tell you what, you hold on to that ring until YOU feel the time is right."

 

Then stand firm, move out, and WAIT.

 

If you don't have the balls to do that, you can't complain when 5 years from now, he's still stringing you along with, "When the time is right..."

[pcplod]

I think you, like many women who want marriage, made a mistake in moving in with this man before you were engaged.

 

It's only another person's opinion but any person, man or woman who wants to pressurize like that, to manipulate like that, no matter what the subject matter is, can immediately take a hike and not bother looking back; there will be no tears or regret to be seen if they do.

 

The simple reason is that they are clearly of the opinion to keep on doing that sort of thing, either before or after any serious commitment and there will never be any peace of mind to be had, wondering what their next stunt is going to be and when they are going to spring it.

 

The only thing behaving like that guarantees is a lonely existence.

 

To infer that someone should get married due to a result of nothing more positive than blackmail and coercion reeks of nothing more than complete inexperience, either good or bad.

 

If this guy really doesn't want to get married, ever, the only thing to do is to walk away and start all over again.

Edited April 10, 2013 by pcplod

[Janesays]

There no pressure or manipulation involved. Sorry bub, try again. There is only a woman having the self respect to say, "I am not going to bother building a life with someone who can't be bothered to make a serious commitment to me."

 

Any guy that doesn't like it or at least respect it should take a walk. I'll pay for their bus ticket. But I am CERTAINLY not going to waste YEARS of my life and my best child bearing years on a man who wants to take advantage of all the perks of getting married, but still wants to string me along with empty promises while he takes his time figuring out if I'm good enough to commit to fully.

 

That's not the least bit manipulation, nor is it "stunt.' It is simply away to safe guard against users and time wasters. Those type of men can go 'play house' with a different woman. Go ahead and string HER along for 5, 6, 7 years.

 

For the record, I am happily engaged thank you very much.

Edited April 10, 2013 by Janesays

[Mr. Lucky]

Make this a positive conversation where you say that NOTHING changes except your address. If he proposes to keep you from moving out, REFUSE. Say, "I was afraid you might do this, but honey, there is NO NEED. Nothing is changing between us. Tell you what, you hold on to that ring until YOU feel the time is right."

What you say makes sense procedurally but the OP is then in the position of (re) asking a question that's already been answered. Seems like something that would hang over the relationship for a long time - did he only do it because he was forced?

 

DazedConfusedEtc,. I think your choices are simple - either silently let him make the decision on his own accord or walk away. You've forfeited the other options by living together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[plrs199]

I think that if you want to get married you should propose to him. You're the one that wants it and you have a legitimate reason to want it sooner rather than later (having children with him). Then you'll know if he wants to marry you or not and you both can move on.

I don't get all of the fuss over having to have the man propose. Women seem to want marriage a lot more than men these days so why shouldn't they be the ones asking the big question?

[Lauriebell82]

PEOPLE, she isn't going to leave the relationship. She loves the guy and isn't just going to ditch him to get hitched to someone else.

 

I know everyone finds this hard to believe, but there ARE men out there who aren't in a huge rush to marry. Not every guy realizes they want to marry their gf and then runs out and buys a ring. I don't believe her boyfriend is a time waster or a committment phobe. My husband certainly wasn't. He just wasn't in a huge rush to propose or get married. And he DIDN'T waste my time.

 

I think 4 months was a bit soon to move in together, which is probably why the OP and her boyfriend are wwwaaayyy off, timeline wise.

 

She has to decide if he is worth the wait.

[Janesays]

Seems like something that would hang over the relationship for a long time - did he only do it because he was forced?

 

 

That is is why I specifically said in my first post (If you would like to re-read it) that if he proposes right after she moves out that she should refuse his proposal and tell him that he should hold on to the ring until he feels the time is right.

 

The idea isn't to 'force' him into marriage. It's about not making a bigger commitment to a man than he's willing to make to you.

[Nyla]

I think you, like many women who want marriage, made a mistake in moving in with this man before you were engaged.

 

When the subject of moving in comes up, I will usually say, "I don't feel comfortable living with a man I'm not engaged too."

 

There it is. The easy, 'non pressuring' way to let a man know that if he wants to spend his life to you, he's got to commit to more than just 'shacking up.'

 

I think women that move in before they are engaged can expect to stay in long term relationship for 3-7 years without a proposal. That's BS to me and I won't waste that much of my youth on a guy who likes security, but doesn't want to commit.

 

So. You already made the mistake. It's done, so what do you do now?

 

YOU MOVE OUT.

 

I'm not saying that you need to break up with him. I'm just saying that you should simply say, in an UNEMOTIONAL, NON DRAMA FULLED conversation....

 

"Listen, I'm going to get my own place. I am starting to feel weird about living with someone I'm not engaged too and I worry that my friends and family are looking down on me. (Refuse to provide examples here, just insist that it's how you feel) I think I'll feel a little more comfortable about our relationship and our future if I have my own space FOR NOW."

 

Then reassure him that you love him, that you are NOT breaking up with him, that you still see a future with him. Stress this is only something you are doing to feel good about yourself and to make you feel 'less pressured' by friends and family.

 

Make this a positive conversation where you say that NOTHING changes except your address. If he proposes to keep you from moving out, REFUSE. Say, "I was afraid you might do this, but honey, there is NO NEED. Nothing is changing between us. Tell you what, you hold on to that ring until YOU feel the time is right."

 

Then stand firm, move out, and WAIT.

 

If you don't have the balls to do that, you can't complain when 5 years from now, he's still stringing you along with, "When the time is right..."

 

 

Hmmmm...I moved in with my husband before we were engaged. He told me that I shouldn't move in if I didn't want to marry him because cohabitation was a step to marriage in his mind. We were engaged within two months of moving in together, after nearly two years of dating.

 

How can you make such blanket statements without considering all variables? Do you really believe that ALL women who move in without a ring wait years to be engaged? I'm sure I am not the only woman who was not strung along; my parents shacked up for a YEAR before their wedding.

 

If a man is honorable and trustworthy, he will adhere to whatever morals he has about shacking up. It is very presumptious of you to say that EVERY woman will wait 3+ years for a ring if they shack up. There is a lot of grey in life and not just black and white. Your absolutist viewpoint lacks acknowledgment of every situation being different.

 

A woman should not want to get engaged just so that people won't look down on her! Only a weak minded woman needs approval from everyone else to be happy with her life. My father berated me when I moved in with my husband, because he thought my husband was just using me. Daddy had to eat crow when my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage. If I moved out just because my father didn't like us shacking up, it would show my husband that my parents rule my life. Why should the OP tell her man that the opinion of her family and friends is so important? She has to think for HERSELF.

 

Now if you were talking about having babies before marriage and then whining about no commitment, we would agree on that. I have never seen a situation where there was a baby before marriage and it turned out well for the woman. The husbands married because of obligation which led to an unhappy union or the women never received a proposal. I could have had three kids out of wedlock by now because three different men wanted me to have their kids without being my husband. I laughed in their faces and told them that I wasn't stupid. My cousin has been with her high school sweetheart for more than ten years and they have two kids. He won't marry her but he is fine to live like a married couple.

 

I understand why you think the way you do. I'm suggesting that you may want to be careful about generalizations.

[xxoo]

Hmmmm...I moved in with my husband before we were engaged. He told me that I shouldn't move in if I didn't want to marry him because cohabitation was a step to marriage in his mind. We were engaged within two months of moving in together, after nearly two years of dating.

 

He brought up the marriage topic, and spoke about it enthusiastically. He moved quickly, in line with his marriage enthusiasm, and got engaged.

 

When a woman posts here, instead of talking to her live-in boyfriend about marriage, I wonder why. Is it because he doesn't want to talk about it directly? And if not, why not?

[Mr. Lucky]

That is is why I specifically said in my first post (If you would like to re-read it) that if he proposes right after she moves out that she should refuse his proposal and tell him that he should hold on to the ring until he feels the time is right.

 

The idea isn't to 'force' him into marriage. It's about not making a bigger commitment to a man than he's willing to make to you.

I did read and yes, you did say that . But even if 6 months goes by, she's got to wonder why now and why not before.

 

It seems pretty clear that, at least right now, his commitment to her does not include marriage. So she should stop trying to "gently encourage" and decide what's best for her with the facts in hand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Radu]

He brought up the marriage topic, and spoke about it enthusiastically. He moved quickly, in line with his marriage enthusiasm, and got engaged.

 

When a woman posts here, instead of talking to her live-in boyfriend about marriage, I wonder why. Is it because he doesn't want to talk about it directly? And if not, why not?

 

The OP actually did talk with her bf, and he reassured her.

 

I actually agree with Jane on some points, over here cohabitation before marriage is called 'concubinaj' and has a very nasty connotation, it implies that the woman has loose morals [for some of the reasons she posted about] ... so i can deffinitely know some women think like her.

 

However, the problem here is simply that other ppl are influencing the OP in regards to her Relationship, and her bf is by no means dragging his feet, if this was a 3yr relationship it would be different.

Who wants to be with someone who is controlled from outside the marriage ?

[venusianx13]

Hi Dazed!

 

I'm really glad to read that you were able to work through previous issues with your SO. It is really fantastic news that your boyfriend speaks of marriage and your future so openly with you. Many women, even ones in a LTR for many more years, do not find themselves in your position. I don't really see your position as being as precarious as you may feel it is right now.

 

That said, be strong. Since you live together and are feeling the need for distance right now, you have every right to allow yourself that. Plan a girls' night out or find an activity to partake in for at least a few hours one night on your own. Or more, if needed. But don't do it to punish him... do it simply to rejuvenate your own happiness and sense of self. If you do it because you are angry with him, your intention will shine through.

 

In my experience and from what I've heard/read from others, men who are not open to marriage (with you or in general) will not talk about it. It sounds as if not all of the sentiments you've shared were initiated by you. That is great news; he is marriage minded. For now, though, make a pact with yourself not to bring it up for a little while. Counterintuitive to what you feel like doing, I'm sure, but I promise that nagging won't help. He knows where you stand.

 

However, you may want to set up a silent timeline in your own mind, for yourself. I can't tell you what that should be, because I'm not sure how long you're willing to wait. Whatever you feel is reasonable. And if things don't move forward by that time, you can either decide to walk entirely or move out. At least you'll have a plan for yourself, something you can hold onto.

 

Best of luck! I truly think things will work out well for you.

[KraftDinner]

This may not be what OP wants to hear...and I'm NOT coming down on her.

 

OP, I get why you're upset. He says he knows for sure he wants to be with you 100 per cent...why then isn't he sure enough to propose? It's a contradiction. You're supposed to be happy because he remembers your birthday (according to previous posters) but when it comes to stuff that matters you're just supposed to push all your needs aside. Like being able to trust his word -- I know you say you can, but face it, you don't, probably for good reason (see the contradiction above). Otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

I don't think he's sure at all, except that he's sure he doesn't want to lose you right now. Men can string women along for years. To me it's one of the cruelest things someone can do to another person...so she wastes her childbearing years waiting for some guy who has no intention of getting married.

 

I've been with my fiance just over a year. We've been living together since pretty much day one (I know I know, bad bad bad) but he proposed 2 weeks after our 1st anniversary. He said he wanted to get married and he saved up for a ring (we're not doing so well financially and we currently support two mortgages, so this was not easy) because nothing would stop him.

 

I disagree with those who say you should be happy with breadcrumbs. My ex planned the best trips and dates ever. First couple years talked about marriage. Then after 9 years (yes, I'm that girl) still no ring. I ended it. I'm turning 40 this year. I may not admit this much and I may regret sharing this but when I was 32 I really wanted to have a baby. He strung me along. I actually decided a couple years later that I didn't want one and that I'm happily child-free, but if I hadn't had the realization that I truly don't want to be a mother, I would have given up a LOT based on empty promises.

 

My opinion? He's not sure, you may be strung along forever, and you should consider his actions, not his words. I'm sorry.

[venusianx13]

This may not be what OP wants to hear...and I'm NOT coming down on her.

 

OP, I get why you're upset. He says he knows for sure he wants to be with you 100 per cent...why then isn't he sure enough to propose? It's a contradiction. You're supposed to be happy because he remembers your birthday (according to previous posters) but when it comes to stuff that matters you're just supposed to push all your needs aside. Like being able to trust his word -- I know you say you can, but face it, you don't, probably for good reason (see the contradiction above). Otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

I don't think he's sure at all, except that he's sure he doesn't want to lose you right now. Men can string women along for years. To me it's one of the cruelest things someone can do to another person...so she wastes her childbearing years waiting for some guy who has no intention of getting married.

 

I've been with my fiance just over a year. We've been living together since pretty much day one (I know I know, bad bad bad) but he proposed 2 weeks after our 1st anniversary. He said he wanted to get married and he saved up for a ring (we're not doing so well financially and we currently support two mortgages, so this was not easy) because nothing would stop him.

 

I disagree with those who say you should be happy with breadcrumbs. My ex planned the best trips and dates ever. First couple years talked about marriage. Then after 9 years (yes, I'm that girl) still no ring. I ended it. I'm turning 40 this year. I may not admit this much and I may regret sharing this but when I was 32 I really wanted to have a baby. He strung me along. I actually decided a couple years later that I didn't want one and that I'm happily child-free, but if I hadn't had the realization that I truly don't want to be a mother, I would have given up a LOT based on empty promises.

 

My opinion? He's not sure, you may be strung along forever, and you should consider his actions, not his words. I'm sorry.

 

You make a good point, KraftDinner, which is why I advised her to devise a plan for herself. However, the reality is that a year is really not all that long. If she'd been waiting for two or three, my feelings and advice would be very much in alignment with yours.

 

I think that also making a pact with herself to keep the subject quiet for a while (a month, maybe?) will shed some light on it. She can take note if he brings anything marriage/future-related in that time.

 

It appears to be a very loving relationship, despite some rockiness in the past. And despite how disheartened she may be feeling now, I wouldn't want her to make a rash decision. I really think she should wait it out for at least a little longer before she walks. But that said, if she comes up with a plan for herself, a plan to move out or to walk, she must stick to it if the time comes.

 

So, in answer to her question in general: "Is there a way to encourage proposal?" Well, yes. Dazed, be you, be awesome you, and that's all you can do. If that, coupled with a little more time is not enough, you'll know what to do.

Edited April 11, 2013 by venusianx13

[Lauriebell82]

Not all men automatically run out to buy a ring when they are thinking about marriage. And living together doesnt mean that the girl is going to get strung along.

 

Sheesh.

[Lauriebell82]

What perks?

 

Oh, come on now. I dont think OP wants to here about your bitterness. Just sayin.