On the right track

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hello, I'm new here, and this is my first post, didnt want to hijack someone elses thread. Sorry its so long, but I had to put all my thoughts down.

 

I have been lurking for awhile and decided to join. What a wonderful, helpful board this is. I had been lurking on Marriage Builders.com too…..and initially went there when my marriage hit a wall. But I was in a very emotional state and the things I read there scared me a lot….so I laid low and turned toward Counseling and GOD instead. But now, 2 months later, I feel I am ready to explore my situation with others and I felt this board was more toward my liking.

 

My story is the same as most. Met in HS, both 34 now, together for 17 years, married 10 years and 2 children, 5/2. But somewhere along the way, we lost each other, I could feel it and so could she, but we never addressed it. Mostly since the birth of our children, our attention for each other was not the same as before. I admit over time, I didn’t show her the three A’s. Affection, Appreciation and Attention. The 3 most crucial things a husband must show a wife. And in the last year or so, it faded and temptation got the best of her…and she hit her bottom.

 

I recently (July 04) found out about a ONS that my wife fell into with someone she never meet before. Not a ONS by definition per say, since intercourse did not happen. The night started at a wedding where my wife went for dinner and I met her for the reception since I was busy during the day. BY the time I got there, my wife was drunk. It was supposed to be OUR night, but within minutes of me getting there, she said her girlfriend (who I come to find out later is cheating on her husband) wanted her to go to a bar/festival/party. Well I wasn’t happy and we had some words….but she didn’t care, so we left the wedding and she met up with her friend. Well she got even more drunk, was in a vulnerable state after our fight and eventually got into something she now regrets. She woke up in a bed with another man. Top off, but pants on. And although she was very drunk, and does not remember the whole night, she knows that no intercourse happened….and I believe her with all my heart, albeit some doubt, which is normal according to our MC. BUT I forgave her immediately and told her I wanted to work things out and so did she. I have faith and trust that she told me everything. She confessed the morning of the deed and also confessed to kissing 2 other men 5 years ago during a girls weekend away (which I came to find out all 5 of the MARRIED women kissed other men that weekend!). Also note that prior to our marriage, we both confessed to kissing someone else during our dating period. Hers went a little further than kissing, but there was no “sex” per say. But we both loved each other and forgave and eventually got married.

 

So within 2 days of the “episode”, SHE set up meetings with our pastor and a MC which we are still seeing together and separately. She knew she was wrong and the path she was on was not good. So we have turned our faith and trust to GOD to help us thru this and to re-create a strong, happy, faithful, trusting marriage. I am truly proud of how far we have come since that day. I truly believe GOD made this happen, so as to save a possible downward spiral. As weird as that may sound, I believe it. GOD has been knocking on our door for sometime now, thru signs I cannot explain.….but WE finally let him in. Such a wonderful place we are, and we are thankful.

 

Words cannot say how much faith and MC has helped us rediscover ourselves and our relationship. We are on a good path and are talking more and are happier than ever before. I feel like I just started my life and marriage all over and am excited to see where it goes with her.

 

We have also begun reading a Marriage Devotional Bible. And WOW, what a great way to build a strong marriage. You basically read a passage everyday, then a lesson and testimonial that relates the passage to your marriage relationship. Some days, after reading the lessons, I feel that they were specifically written for us. I mean issues we discuss that day would be the same as in that days reading. Really woke us up to see that GOD was working with us. I just can’t explain it, but I don’t care because it is helping us grow stronger.

 

The thing with my wife is that she is a VERY attractive woman. Both men and women are attracted to her. She gets looks and small talk all the time. A wedding ring don’t matter to most men. There is just something about her. She has an aura about her that oozes sexuality, both in body and mind. I tell her all the time she just has something about her that men lust for. IMO, she is the total package and I am a very lucky man to have her. She has also told me she has been approached many times by men. She loved the attention but never took it further, except those times she already admitted to. Albiet, this was during our time of “fading away” from each other and because of me not giving the 3 A’s she needed from me….so she sought it elsewhere. She felt that I didn’t love her anymore, but that was not true, I just didn’t show it in the right ways. All the talk on this site of love and trust and total communication being KEY to marriage success is the absolute truth. If you don’t have those things, your marriage is doomed to fail.

 

BUT, during these last 2 months of total openness and talking, I have found out things about myself and her that I never new. MC has been a huge help in rediscovering ourselves. Some things we talk about have scared me a little, but also intrigued me because I have some of the same thoughts she has (we are just being honest and true about our feelings and that’s a good thing). The thing is, we BOTH have fantasies of being with another person sexually. Don’t get me wrong, we have 17 years of pleasing each other and we do it quite well I may add, no problems at all. But I guess just to experience “sex” with someone else is the fantasy, mostly because we have only had 2 other partners prior to our relationship which started at age 17. We have talked in great detail about it. To the point of IF and a big IF we decided to go that route, we would do it together in a couples setting and would have to separate love from sex and we both know that would be hard to accomplish. So in the end we chose to focus on us, our children and GOD and to leave these lustful fantasies in our dreams. And in-turn re-explore our sexual desires within our marriage, because bringing others into our sexlife is just not an option right now and probably never will be. And we both agree 100%. And to be honest, we both said it will never happen since we both have HUGE consciences......the same conscience that told her to confess of her wrong doings and to make things right.

 

BUT I know we are on the right path now. (And some may think I’m still on shaky ground with the paragraph above, but I don’t think so). We love each other and want to make this work. Our fantasies will remain just that…..and we both agreed. We (she mostly) also decided to turn away from some of the destructive relationships in our inner group of friends and believe me, they (the wives) are on the same path she was on. They have all but giving up on there marriages but stay together for convenience. If fact one of the husbands has told me “I don’t care what my wife does, as long as I get to do what I want, I don’t care”. And I know his wife has said, that once there kids get older, she will probably leave him. This group of people we hang with never goes out as couples, its just the girls or the guys. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be around people like that anymore. So we are removing ourselves and choosing to spend time with couples who WANT to be married, who WANT to do family things and who DON’T want to put “partying with the girls/guys” first. We are married with children and we finally figured that out. I pray for those who are lost and thank GOD for showing me the way.

[Moose]

With the exception of your wife's extra marital affairs, you just described my marriage almost to a tee!!!

 

I'm so happy for you!!! You and I are the richest men on earth. My wife too is the total package!!! Both for men and women. We keep our faith in God, and we too use the Marriage devotional bible. Too bad you guys are so far away......we could have a wonderful friendship!!!

 

Keep up the faith!!!

[Butchey]

That was a really good post! Congratulations on working it out with your SO. I wish my ex and I had gotten couciling before it was too late. The only thing I can tell you is that fantasies are normal and that if you believe in God you know sex outside of marriage is a sin. Keep working it. I learned some time ago to take it "one day at a time".

[Moose]

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Butchey!!!! I LOVE YOUR AVATAR!!! I remember that episode of SNL.....I can't.....breathe......I'm laughing .....so ......hard............

 

Just so the mods will keep this post in here. See how Will Farrel is playing the cow bell? It's just a small part in the band, but it wouldn't be the same without it.......so are the little things in our marriage......oh gosh......man......I got to breathe man breathe!!!!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Moose,

 

thanks for the kind words. I knew I wasn;t the only one. And faith in GOD is a good thing, I wish I would have known this earlier in my life. And believe me, I am not a perfect christian, far from it. And I dont preach and am not high and mighty in my beliefs. I try to keep politics and religion to myself becasue everybody has thier own way. No wrong, no right, just different. But I do know that the means and methods of faith is very helpful when life won't seem to leave you alone...too bad others in touble with life dont see it the way I see it.

 

Butchey,

 

you are absolutly right. Sex outside of marriage is a sin. . As much as lust for another person may influence our thoughts, and as intrigued and curious my wife and I are about it. We know and understand the consequences it will cause in a faith based marriage. And I believe that is what will keep us from pursuing it.

 

As in the lesson of last nights reading about infidelity....."The grass isn't always greener"

[ThumbingMyWay]

Moose,

 

if your out there...I want to ask you something via private message....but I get an error that says I cant send one.

 

My profile says that mine is enabled. But I cant send one to you.

 

either here via PM or on a private email addy...I;d like to ask you something.