Aspie/Alcoholic SO

[EdgePeering]

I've been reading the forums a bit over the last few months.

 

I feel like I am in the craziest marriage in mankind's history; spent over an hour this morning writing to post about how I ended up married because I thought he was joking and realized there's no way I could ever explain this and not sound delusional or extremely ignorant. Heck, maybe I am. I have developed some social anxiety for sure.

Someday, someone is going to find our real marriage certificate and realize something wasn't right there, surely.

My SO is a generation older than me, in his late 40's, functioning Alcoholic, Aspergers to start with.

With the Alcoholism, the Aspergers, everything...

In the end it is the 8.5 years of being in a sexless marriage that is doing me in.

 

I gotta post something to start with so guess this is it or I will never hit the submit button.

[adelia]

Welcome to the forum and don't be nervous to post

That's a difficult combo to live with. My cousin has aspergers and they do think differently. He is a wonderful guy though. Very talented but his way of thinking is distinctly different from others. With the alcoholism that must make it worse.

You're not alone there are many out there in these types of relationships. Have you joined a support group like alanon? It may help to deal with what you're going through

[Thegameoflife]

Maybe you could share some details about the things that are going on in your relationship. I have an abnormal thought process too, maybe I can offer some help.

[coffeebean201]

Great to have you posting.

 

I used to have a touch of social anxiety and just had to endure the nervousness beforehand, perspiration etc. Didn't let myself change a get together just because I was nervous. A couple times I was really nervous!

 

Were you social before you got married?

[EdgePeering]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I'm not even sure I have come here for advice as I'm not sure there is any to give. Part of me, perhaps, just wants to say, "I exist!".

 

I have been to al-anon, AA, Marriage C, Individual C, read and read and read and read...gone crazy and glued myself back together.

If there was the slightest glimpse of a rabbit I could pull out of the hat I have lunged for it.

Have tried some really incredible things from roleplay to completely ignoring.

Over the years, it seems the best response I ever received was when I moved out and separated.

During that time he made some effort to look inward, work on situations and tried to express himself.

Unfortunately, he became incredibly physically ill from it.

Seriously, he even developed a viral outbreak from an old childhood disease and started fainting, the doctor said it was stress induced.

(I am very aware of this any time I even think about leaving now.)

 

He stopped drinking for over a year and started up again recently.

I'm not sure what to think about that right now.

 

He has 2 obsessions and one is his work so the positive side of that is he is pretty secure with his job and finances. (He will work 7 days a week and 10 hour work days and feel good about it.) Not so great is he is also a workaholic.

 

I developed anxiety and social anxiety after marriage.

About 6 months in, everything suddenly went BANG.

The alcoholism became apparent, I started doing the "What is wrong with ME?" dance because our sex life seemed to instantly evaporate and it was a couple years before Aspergers was even in my vocabulary.

 

If anyone is wondering how I didn't notice before we married...

Just the other night we were talking and I was saying some things that were emotional and at the same time his eyes seemed to get glossy.

This has happened a million times and I always assumed it was an emotional reaction, sadness or love or something.

I asked him what was upsetting him and he replied that he had no idea what I was talking about as he wasn't upset in the slightest and wasn't feeling much of anything...he was having a physical reaction to a suppressed yawn or something.

 

I was stunned, just stunned.

[some dude]

I had to join to comment on your thread. I should have a unique insight given I have AS.

 

I am in a relationship now and was in the one before this for 5 or so years. My ex cheated on me eventually and my current GF is really struggling to be with me. Only her love keeps her here.

 

What alcohol does for an aspie is something NT's can't understand. For me, I feel like a robot sometimes but then after a drink I feel normal, outgoing, happy, comfortable, anxiety-less, just good I suppose. Anxiety goes with being an aspie, because just being for me gives me anxiety.

 

My ex did what she did because she couldn't deal with me anymore. I would push her away, be emotionally remote, not want to deal with emotional/serious topics in our relationship. She would go out to her car to cry alone to not bother me. I found out some of this after the fact and it just makes me feel completely alone and my prospects for being happily married/relation-ed very poor.

 

I have enough attributes to get girls out of my league but once I have them, I thoroughly mess it up until eventually I think they just want to run. They always love me deeply, but then they want to run.

 

You've not offered more insight into your situation but I thought I would share that little bit with you about my life so you might see what its like for him, through his eyes. Being social and intimate never feels right. Wish I knew how to rid the world of Asperg. because it really sucks and normal women don't like it.

 

Articulating what is wrong is hard as well so understanding my partner's emotions (yours) is not easy and outright impossible at times. I know I am in pain and what to express things emotionally, or I see that she is in pain and I want to help her, but I just....can't. I just don't have the ability most of the time. I wish luck to you. My current relationship is deteriorating very quickly because we don't know what to do. I hope you find something out. Post it here if you do!

Edited April 7, 2013 by some dude

[EdgePeering]

Wow, thank you.

I appreciate it all; including your effort, time and words.

 

I understand how I seem to be saying a whole lot of nothing.

I'm nervous.

 

Our conversations over the last few months had left me feeling frustrated. From his perspective everything is running smoothly if I have his lunch packed every day and I don't complain about anything.

Sometimes, I wish I could join him in those simple things and be content with it all.

It seemed no matter what I say in general conversations his response somehow includes some variation of his obsessions as the answer.

He is an unbelievably intelligent guy, some people think he is some sort of genius - don't want to leave the impression that this is not the case.

I have lost control of my mouth over this and felt very badly about that.

 

Sometimes I wish I could come up with a topic that he couldn't possibly have had any exposure to and hear what he himself would come up with.

I wonder what does he really think all on his own.

 

The other night which has me distraught, I asked him again why he doesn't seem to want to have sex- ever. (Years, years here.)

He always responds the same, "I do want to do it more but..." followed with any sort of response that sounds almost canned except he seems genuine and confused when he uses the excuses. He also always thinks we did it far more recently than is factual. I'm not sure what to make of that and have a heck of a time convincing a therapist that I'm telling the truth and I KNOW because I have written it down.

Normally, he can walk through a building and know exactly how many lights are in there and how much wattage they are pulling combined.

 

I don't think he has made an advance on me since the first time we were together.

I have made it so very easy for him to come towards me, much like offering myself with a personal invitation attached.

Why doesn't he do it when he says he wants to?

(This is likely a question no one can answer.)

 

 

He acknowledges a lil bit that he has Aspergers but more like, "Maybe I do."

He has a distrust of mental health people.

He surprised me the other day by commenting on another man we met and saying he thinks THAT man has it and listing some traits. (This is not a subject we even discuss normally.)

The traits he listed are some of his own traits.

That leaves me a bit perplexed as now I am unsure if he realizes this or if it is insulting for me to comment on it? Surely he knows, right?

Is it ok to be blunt and talk to him about how the Aspergers is an issue?

Could it help if I discussed it with him more and focused on it?

Usually, I focus on my needs/feelings and all the "I" statements counselors say to use.

Maybe this is my last rabbit reach and should go for it.

Not much to lose except possibly making him feel worse about himself which would not feel good.

 

 

I understand what your saying about the alcohol, it makes sense to me.

Think too though that I should really drive home that he is an alcoholic.

He is functioning because he holds down a job and does well financially, does not take to the bed for days at a time drunk.

However, whatever personality issues he has on a daily basis become quite astonishing when he drinks.

 

I'm sorry your suffering and wish you peace and happiness.

Edited April 7, 2013 by EdgePeering

[Thegameoflife]

OP, the reason a lot of people don't have a lot of success with those with Aspergers, is that they come up with ideas that would work for them. In a relationship with someone with a typical thought process, this works because your thought processes are similar. People with Aspergers won't respond through understanding how you feel. They simply don't.

 

However, the solution was in your response. You said he's happy if his lunch is made, he goes to work, etc. He functions on a scheduled routine in his mind. The reason why you don't have sex is because it's simply not in his routine. For a lot of people on the autistic spectrum, they use routine to reduce anxiety. What you need to do is get him to take his routine, and put it to paper. Add in sex to his routine, in ink, as something that's scheduled to do. It might not be spontaneous, but you'll get sex on the days it's scheduled.