Almost time for our reunion..need some advice.

[militarywife]

I am not sure if anyone remembers my previous post or not but I found out 2 months ago that my husband had an affair during this our last deployment. The first month was AWFUL but as time passes it seems to get easier..thank goodness for that We have kept in contact daily and I really have no worries about him now while he is away. I am more concerned and stressed about this homecoming. There are always nerves before (7 months is a long time to be separated) but nothing has compared to what I am feeling now. I don't know what I should say to him or what I should do when he walks off that plane. After the first few weeks of talking about the affair..I decided that it was best for ME not to continue bringing it up. It was not making me feel any better and I just wanted to get through the remainder of this deployment with my sanity. A little background on us~We have grown up together..gone to the same small school..he joined the military right after high school and we continued seeing each other while he was away until we were married almost 3 years ago. This affair was a COMPLETE shock (even though I know now just how common it is within the military) it is just not in his character to do something like this...I was completely shocked. We are going to be leaving the military at the end of the year..starting fresh..no more deploying.

Divorce is not an option for me..other than this one affair..he has been nothing but amazing to me for more than half my life. I just could not see throwing all of that away on some bartender..whom we will never see again. This has been the hardest 3 months of my life and I am just so glad that they are almost over. If anyone would be willing to give me a peptalk or some words of wisdom I would really appreciate it.

 

Thank you for listening..

[uriel]

Maybe you are wondering whether the connection between the two of you will still be there, feeling as natural, as deep, and as unbroken as it was before he left. Don't try to anticipate that. Just be in the moment. When he gets off the plane, feel what you are feeling and act on it. I'm guessing that you will feel a surge of love, maybe mixed with some hurt too on both sides (his the kind that means regret).

 

Let the homecoming unfold. Enjoy him. Then, once he's settled back in, get ready for some serious and heartfelt talks. You'll need to unburden your soul in person and work through that together. His sense of shame might lead him not to want to go there, but you need to explain that it's the only way you're going to be able to heal.

 

-- uriel

[militarywife]

Uriel..Thank you very much for responding. You are right about about my worrying about our connection but I am even more concerned that it won't be an issue at all..if that makes any sense at all. The *homecoming high* really is an amazing feeling..I just worry that he has been let *off the hook* too easy but then again I don't want to punish him for the rest of our lives either. What a mess.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

he's a man they don't have much brains. they bang some girl and don't even think about it anymore. what we as women need to teach these animals is safe sex, so we aren't killed off. i would love to tell you it won't happen again, but the truth is that you need to develop honesty in the relationship. that way they won't lie to you and inevitably give you a STD.

[StillHurtin]

uriel gave you some great advice. Go w/ the moment. I know how hard it has been on you knowing he had an A but the pain does subside as time passes. As anyone that has been in our shoes, you will never forget the A but it will get easier w/ time. It such a big relief that neither one of you will ever see the OW again. I wish I had that option. Even though the OW my dh had an A w/ lives 90 miles from us I still see her occassionaly when we go down there to see family and friends (dh lived there is whole life and I lived there for 15 years, it is where we met and where married and had our children). We still have our house on the market there and once in awhile I drive past her current BF's house that is next to Mcdonalds were I usually take the kids to eat. Once in awhile I see her car there and when I do I just want to puke! I can't stand the OW! She tried to be my friend years b4 dh even slept w/ her (they worked together). GL! I hope his homecoming is a wonderful time.

[militarywife]

Thank you all for responding Regarding the possibility of an STD..I made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that he will be checked again once he gets home. He has been tested already since the affair has ended (with no argument) and he sent me the negative results. I have heard horror stories from other wives having gone to their usual annual exam after their husbands returned to find that they had contracted something. DH is the only man I have ever been with and I am not about to get an STD now..not gonna happen.

Thank you again

[uriel]

Make sure he not only gets bloodwork done for the full range but also goes to a doc to get his male member pickled and looked at under magnification. That's the only way to detect whether a man is carrying HPV, some forms of which lead to cervical cancer.

 

Condoms don't entirely prevent HPV, either, so there's no way out of this kind of testing.

 

-- uriel

 

ps As for my first post, I take up your concern in the second paragraph. Yes, you need to have many long, heartfelt talks about what happened. You might even need couples counseling. Don't let him get out of doing the hard work to repair the hurt he's done.

[militarywife]

Thank you for the tip..He will be checked for *jungle rot* before he goes anywhere near me..Our chaplain has been amazing and once he gets home we have some meetings scheduled with him. I just received our last battalion newsletter for this deployment and one of the tips for a happy homecoming was..Do not ask the questions you do not want the answers to right away Kind of lets the *what happens on deployment stays in deployment* out of the bag.