Wife leaving in two days wants divorce

[KirkH]

I need some advice on a letter I'm writing to my wife. Here is a correspondence with a relationship coach and the letter. Any input would be very appreciated. It's a bit long and I apologize. I blanked out the names

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

,here is my original post for reference.

 

 

 

My wife wants a divorce. We have separated before and reconciled multiple times. I have slipped back into old ways every time and she is sure that I'll never change.* Each time I make improvements and insights and I'm crossing behaviors off of the list but after things are good for a while I slide back into negative behaviors that hurt her and drive her away. She is constantly living in fear that I'll let her down again. I get defensive, I make excuses and am not accountable for mistakes I've made. She feels trapped and hopeless and thinks as long as we are together she'll feel this way since I haven't been able to make the changes stick each previous time.

 

She calls this the "man issue" I am dishonest out of fear of disappointing her. I am afraid of conflict and don't stand up for or to her. I smother her. She doesn't feel she can lean or rely on me because she always questions my motives. What is real and what is my fear talking. She feels smothered, I have made her too much of my life and self worth. I have read many books, been to a therapist, and always got off course when things were running smooth. I have recently joined an all male support group and I really believe that not doing it alone will help me stick to these changes. I have been working out for the past few months and have been trying to spend more time with other friends.

 

She has threatened this in the past and even admitted later that she was afraid to let me off the hook because she thought as soon as she gave me a chance I would relax and stop trying to make changes. So I'm not sure if she is really going to file for divorce this time or if she is testing me.

 

She has told me there have been too many chances and it causes her severe anxiety and depression. She is lost and hopeless. She says she can't let her guard down because she is always waiting for me to hurt her again by being weak and acting out of fear and not integrity. She feels that she will never heal and be able to work on herself and truly be happy when all her energy is waiting in a miserable anxious state of waiting for the other shoe to drop (for me to fall back on my promises to change by being weak, dishonest, defensive, selfish or unsupportive. These are all driven by fear), and having to deal with my emotions, apologies, and plans to improve.

 

She has asked me over and over again for changes and I haven't been able to make them stick. I'm not doing this solely for her. I recognize that the things she wants from me are completely reasonable and I would be a strong person of integrity if I got rid of these negative behaviors. She will not go to counseling with me. She has basically said that until I get these behaviors in check we can't move forward at all.

 

She now feels she can never heal and be happy unless she is away from me. She thinks that even if I can eventually change it will be too painful while I am in the process. I know that I can, and I know that I got off course. I am taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. She is leaving in a few days to go to her parents for a week. She has said she will talk to her parents about everything and plan her next step. I have finally stopped bargaining (which I know is bad) and have verbally accepted that she wants a divorce.*

 

What can I do in the following days and weeks to show her that I'm really making changes this time and am committed to whatever it takes to make them stick? I'm afraid that by the time she comes back from her week long trip (she leaves on Tuesday the 9th for a week), she will have divorce papers or plans to move or both. I'm fantasizing about offering to drive to her parents in another state and talk to her and them together while she is there. I know this will probably seem desperate and bargaining and drive her away further. *

I wan't to remain strong and positive but when she first mentioned divorce a week ago, I said "I understand why you would want to after I let you down again. I am making changes in myself that will last this time and I will be a better person".*

 

This infuriated her, she said that I was acting smug. That I needed to live in accountability for a while and really think about all of the ways I'd let her down before rushing off to a solution.*

 

How do I stay positive and detached without implying that I'm not remorseful and saddened by what is happening?

 

Thanks,

_______

 

 

 

 

 

Here is the coaches response

 

Hi _______,

*

It sounds like you really “get” what I was saying and I’m excited for you at this opportunity to change how you are showing up in the world.

*

Here’s the key right now – the big shift needed – the dynamic that has been set up between you and your wife has to stop completely now, for anything different to emerge.* *And since you have no control over her and what she changes from her end, you must focus only on yourself and let go of the outcome of the marriage.*

*

This has gone on too long for you to try and have more relationship talks with her, have you spending time trying to convince her that this time is really “different”, etc.* And as I said on the call, there is clearly something she has been getting out of this “dance” because people don’t just keep staying, saying they are dying from it if they aren’t getting something from the interactions.* But again, you can’t concern yourself with any of that at this point.*

*

You might want to hire a Coach for a few sessions if you think you could use some support as you move through this initial period.* It can be confusing and bring up a ton of additional questions!* Do stay with the Group Coaching call as Dr. ______ will be a great support you.* Bottom line, I would do two main things right now:

*

*STOP talking about all the screw ups you’ve made and how many times you’ve said you’ll change and haven’t done it, so the unhealthy, familiar interactions between you cease.* There is NO WAY you can convince her of anything right now and you need to embrace that and put your focus on yourself, not trying to get her to believe you.

*

That said, if you have not given her a letter before, I would do that now.* It needs to include how much you love her and why, the wake-up call you are now having, the personal change you are committed to for you and not for anyone else, and you acknowledging that this has gone on countless times before and so there is no reason she should believe, right now, that anything will be different.* Let her know you love her and that your fondest wish is that she would slow any divorce process down so that you have time to really become the man that you are committed to being, but say clearly that that is up to her, you are not going to try and push her to stay or convince her to believe you and that your energy is going to go into your personal growth work.* Also acknowledge in the letter that you understand how deeply your actions or in-actions have hurt her, are truly sorry, and that what you can do now, is not talk about change but quietly have your actions reflect your words on a daily basis.

*

*If she brings up past hurts, do the two steps I talked on the call about – empathize sincerely* *(I have hurt you deeply and am so sorry.* What I’m working on now is having that not be how I show up any more with anyone) Then, get off the topic.* If she wants to keep going on and on, you look at her lovingly, say “I’ve really heard you, honey.* There are no words right now that you will believe so I’m not going to keep saying things.* What I am going to do is simply show you the change and you can decide what you want to do with that.* I love you.”

*

Then, go get off the topic and go do something.* She needs to feel your warmth, care, and re-connection attempts without any push from you for her to do anything or think anything or believe anything.

*

This will help stop the old “dance” between you.* The hardest part will be you not falling into trying to convince her of anything.* Be strong, be confident in your abilities to change, do your work, get support, and accept that everyone get’s to decide for themselves what they will do.* You only need to be concerned right now with keeping a warm connection with her where you can, by being friendly, kind and trying to do some easy, fun things together along with growing personally so you mature and act as the man you want to be.

*

All the best to you as you step into this change!* You can do it!

*

Warmly,

________

 

 

 

Here is my response to the coach

______,

 

My name is ______ and I signed my letter _____, which is my middle name. I didn't realize my real name would appear as well. You recently responded to my question on todays telephone session on __________. A few quick things I wanted clarification on.*

 

You advised me to take some time to truly decide if this was a wake up call and I was truly willing to make these changes once and for all. Not to "try" .

 

To remove myself from the issues of my marriage and my wife and do this for myself and everyone in my life. And then to write her a letter explaining this and asserting my commitment to changing for good. Also to ask for time to remain connected somehow and have a friendship so that see could see that I am in fact being a man of my word.

 

It is in fact the "man" issue. Manning up, being a man, being strong, being a good husband. She is a strong woman and needs a strong man or will dominate him. She has called this the man issue. I spent many years of our marriage thinking that traditional gender roles were archaic and outdated. I was a glorified boyfriend at best and not the kind of husband she deserved at all.

 

We are currently living together. By asking for a time to stay connected and be have a friendship for an amount of time to show her I am doing what I say and following through on my commitments, are you saying to ask her to not divorce and stay in our home? Or are you saying to try this while she is moved away and papers are filed?

 

Should I not engage in any conversations about the relationship? She often brings up how much I've hurt her and that this is the only way. She wants me to admit how horrible I've been and how much I've hurt her. Which I have over and over. I try not to engage and she says that I won't listen to her. I've been advised by therapists and coaches to not take the bait and not engage but she takes this as me not caring.

 

Also she has said if she does not get away from my behavior that is affecting her, she will end up dead. She said that the last time we went through this she went to very dark places and doesn't want to go there again, will not go there again. She has said she has lost herself, her happiness, her hope, her self confidence and any ability to trust anyone. I know that she had issues of trust and of feeling let down and not supported with her parents and my behaviors make those issues much much worse.*

 

 

She has said that if I really cared about her I wouldn't possibly ask her to endure more. That I only care about not losing her and not what's best for her. I told her that I understand that she rightly doesn't think I will change. I'm not asking for her to endure more of the same or go back to anything. I want to stop the bleeding so to speak and stabilize the situation by stopping my behaviors once and for all. Only then can we begin to rebuild a healthier relationship.

 

I spent the first several years of our 9 year marriage selfish, entitled, manipulative and treating her as a mother not a partner or wife. I have since made changes in many areas of my life but the fear based weakness behaviors remain. I love my wife very very much and would truly do anything to turn this around and make it up to her.

 

I'm afraid that if I ask her to give me another chance she will think that I haven't been listening to her and am just doing the same thing over again. From her perspective, will the difference in what I'm asking be that, I will be admitting that if I haven't been able to do this in the past, then I haven't really meant it when I said it in the past?

 

Also if I say that I can't make the changes overnight but will do them step by step, isn't this asking for some kind of leeway for failure? How does this coincide with 100% commitment? She has told me that she cannot endure a "work in progress" every slip up will bring her anxiety and depression and fear back to square one.

 

I appreciate your answer so very much, I just feel that I only have one shot at this at this point and want to do this right.

 

Thank you so much

_________

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is the letter

 

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to be in love. You deserve to be able to trust and depend on your partner. You deserve a best friend. You deserve to be excited about tomorrow. I know that I have failed in giving you these things.

 

I truly understand how many times i've let you down and hurt you. How many times I've lied to you and acted in ways that didn't show that I loved you or appreciated you or even was listening to what you were desperately asking of me. I know that you feel that the only way to stop this pain is to get away from me forever. You have many many reasons to resent me and even to hate me for what I've put you through.

 

Just because I realize these things now does not mean that I expect or think that you should feel obligated to forgive me or to see if I have truly, finally, in a completely different way really come to terms with the ways that I have hurt you, let you down, and not heard you over and over.

 

When we married I was as unbelievably in love with you as you were with me. I never wanted to be apart from you and I wanted to feel that way forever. I know that you did to, and that's what I promised to give you. I promised to make you feel loved, valued, understood, supported, cherished and safe. What I did was show you that all I cared about were my needs and that you weren't important to me. I can't imagine how disappointed hurt and even furious you were when I failed to keep those promises. I don't blame you for feeing deceived and lied to. I didn't realize that love is more than a feeling, love takes action.

 

You opened yourself up to me completely and wholly and then I stopped showing you how much I loved you and how important you were to me. You told me, pleaded, begged and eventually threatened me to hear what you needed. I didn't hear you. I got defensive, and I didn't want to admit my faults. I thought that the way I felt about you was enough. Even when my actions sent the opposite message. I showed you that all I cared about was me, I showed you that you and your feelings weren't important to me. I was a fool to send you that message. You deserve so much more than that . I hurt you and wore you down and forced you to protect yourself and put walls up. I made it unsafe and even impossible to let your guard down again. Why would you when I don't listen and just hurt you again?

 

You immediately talked about having a plan and how important that was. I didn't get it, I didn't hear you. You were so supportive of me in everything I did even though I was acting this way. I know how many sacrifices you made for me and how much support you gave me in every possible way. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to not get that in return. I didn't even know what a good husband looked like. I was so caught up in my own self delusion that I didn't even think that I had to change. I just thought that you were unhappy and it wasn't my fault. I focused on myself and my selfish adolescent desires and wasn't even able to see or admit to myself the ways that I was being a horrible partner, husband, friend and man. I continued with my hurtful, entitled, irresponsible, manipulative and selfish behavior and broke the trust and bond between us more and more. You expected less and less from me, from the marriage, and from life, and I can't blame you. Sacrificing more and more while still supporting and loving me. You deserve a partner whose number one goal is the marriage and to build a life together. To be a team, and to nurture that team.

 

I know that these wounds haven't even begun to heal. Every time I do something to make you doubt me, it all comes back to the surface. There is never an opportunity to move forward when I keep re opening these horrible wounds that I created.

 

In spite of all this, I want you to know how much I truly truly love and care for you . I know you can't possibly imagine how real, genuine love can have existed while I did so many things that showed the contrary. There have been so many times where I acted out of fear and desperation and called that love. I'm so sorry I couldn't see it. I know you cannot possibly be expected to see the difference or believe that there is one. I just want you to know that I do sincerely, wholly, purely love you and care so deeply about you.

 

I can't imagine the pain I've caused you over these years with everything I've done. It truly breaks my heart to think that I did this to the person I care most about in this life. I will have to live with this regret and remorse whether I am alone or not. I can finally admit that I haven't been truly honest up until now, with you or myself. I understand completely that you owe me nothing and I take 100% responsibility for the ways that I have hurt you and let you down.

 

I realize that right here right now I am at a crossroads. I have the opportunity to use this as the wake up call of my whole life. I have taken our relationship past the breaking point again and have caused you unimaginable pain. I realize that it is now or never. Not for us, for me. The true realization of what I have been doing and what I have done. I have the opportunity to sincerely walk my ****ing talk, once and for all.

 

What I will do now is not talk about change anymore, but simply put these changes into action. No more talks about my intentions past or future. I have committed to myself to do whatever it takes to make these changes part of who I am. I know I cannot make these changes overnight. I am 100% committed to making them step by step, day by day.

 

No pressure, no guilt, no smothering. No boundaries. No negativity. No moping. No sadness.

 

No more "talks" about how hard I tried, or why I failed, or how I'm going to be different. Just action.

 

I know how many times we've been in this loop and it's been crazy and extremely unfair to you.

 

I'm not asking you to trust me completely right now. That would be insulting. I haven't given you any reason to do so. I'm not asking for you to continue this toxic dysfunctional cycle, or to go back to how things have been. What I am asking is simply to slow this divorce process down. I am asking you to stay connected to me in some way, have a friendship, for us to possibly let things settle down. Take the focus completely off of any relationship. I will focus on the changes I am making in myself. You will see that my actions are matching my words. No excuses and no going back.

 

Whether you are here, whether you are in ______ or whether you go back and forth. If you want to look for a job, look for a job. If you want to get started on your own business then do that. If you simply want to save money then just do that. You shouldn't have to make this an emergency because of me. I invited you here and I let you down. Just some time for me to back off completely, stop this cycle of fighting, tension, excuses, promises, expectations and obligations. Time for you to exhale, not to feel trapped, not to be bound, not to feel guilty. Time to take any pressure off of you. Time for you to take care of yourself and also to truly see if I am changing or not.

 

We will put a short time limit on it. There is no chance for an unending future of being trapped in anything.

 

 

 

Our anniversary would be in six weeks. I would check in with you in a month and see how you felt. I would have two weeks to book a trip to get away for a few days and see if we could reconnect at all. I have looked at a _______ package and have the budget for it. No pressure and this is not a prerequisite, just an option to be decided at that time.

 

 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the mistakes I've made and the relationship I wished I had helped build. I am not trying to sell you on this and I understand and respect that you feel it is too late for us to have this. I know a lot would have to happen before you would even consider any of this. I just want you to know that this is the kind of relationship I would build, nurture and protect.

 

To have a love affair in our home and everywhere we go.

Having passion and excitement between us.

Being truly connected and close while still having our own space

Being completely honest with myself with you and in life

Truly listening and not just waiting to defend or put the focus on me

Giving you space to grow and explore and rediscover yourself

Finally getting to really know you, your dreams and desires

Celebrating and accepting the wonderful person that you are and not trying to change you

Giving you time and support to figure out what your next chapter looks like

Supporting you in finding and achieving those goals and dreams

Continuing to support us financially as much as I possibly can to give you flexibility and freedom with no timeline

Listening to what you ask of me and not trying to read between the lines. Ever.

Being direct and concise with you

Gifts and acknowledgement for holidays without scramble or drama. Just like a normal person.

New activities that we share a few times a month; skydiving, exploring new areas, learning to really cook, going to the swap meet, going to ______, taking the ______ tour, going for bike rides.

Proper date nights where I plan everything and you can wear one of your dresses

Giving you lots of time alone or with your own friends, existing or new.

A real honest conversation about relocating, and a timeline and plan for that to happen with 100% support and enthusiasm from me

Keeping our personal business between us, always.

Finding and nurturing outlets other than you for my social needs and need to process

Making new mutual friends and finding new ways to have fun together and explore life

Being healthier, physically and emotionally

I would love to start a family with you. I know that I would have to show you a lot of ongoing and consistent change for that to even to be a consideration.

No talk about the things I am doing to better myself. There has been too much of that. You need only to see the results.

Europe in the next few years. 10th anniversary?

No more defending, explaining and dragging things out. I know this is almost always worse than whatever mistake I made

Checking in regularly to really talk and see how "we" are doing, how you are feeling and figuring out what is lacking. Taking immediate steps to turn it around.

Not letting things get to a critical point ever again. Truly listening to you and checking in will make sure of this.

Collaborating on something together to build

Constantly working to serve and nurture the relationship and not just my needs.

Maintaining a balance with relationship, personal and work time.

Not getting comfortable or lazy when things seem conflict free. Ever again.

Staying with these changes because of integrity, not to please you. They are made for me to be a better person than I've been and not just to get a result or affirmation from you. Because of this they will continue even when things are going well. The incentive is internal and genuine and not swayed by the climate of the relationship.

 

 

 

You don't have to respond to this or call. I just wanted you to know these things.

__________

[2sunny]

Why are you trying to change yourself to suit another person?

 

That's backwards! If you want to change - do it for you - not her!

 

If she dislikes you and criticizes you - you should end it.

[Gunny376]

I read about the first two thirds of your post?

 

Do you need to change? Damned right you do!

 

But you need to do it for yourself and not her! In so far as she goes? Forget her!

 

And I seriously DO mean forget her! You can't get away from her quick enough nor soon enough! She's freaking toxic!

 

Brother you can make any and all the changes in the World in your life, yourself, your world, your reality ~ and you want to know what?

 

IT STILL WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH!

 

Because as soon as she's threw molding you, shaping you, changing you into her ideal version of the idea man/male/boyfriend/spouse/husband?

 

She's going to dump you like a bad habit and move on to the next poor miserable SOB ~ project! And when she does? Get on your ever-loving knees before God and pray for the poor SOB, and then offer up a prayer of thankfulness that you've been freed from this selfish, self-centered, controlling, narcissistic personality disorder bitch!

 

You absolutely cannot win this game!

 

No matter what you say or don't say, no matter what you do or don't do? It will never be enough! No matter how many "Life Coaches" therapist, pyscharistist, psychologist you spend a small fortune on? It will NEVER be enough! She's 'gas-lighting' you seriously my Man!

 

Its HER that needs to get on the couch ~ NOT you!

 

Who we are personality wise, ~ as individuals, ~ and people? Is pretty much set in stone by NLT age 5 or 6.

 

Of course we each all should daily identify our weakness, things to work on, seek self improvement? That's just fine tuning who we already are.

 

Its not so much change in trying to make your square peg fit her round hole ~ as it should be dumping this manipulative, controlling, selfish, narcisstic, self-centered, its all about "Me"

 

BITCH!

She's playing you big time and when she's grown tired of you? She's going to dump you like your nothing but bad news, leaving you like a little school boy with his pants down around his ankles on the side of the curb! You can't dump her nor get rid of her quick nor fast enough!

[Steadfast]

Brother you can make any and all the changes in the World in your life, yourself, your world, your reality ~ and you want to know what?

 

IT STILL WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH!

 

You are finding the sweet-spot on every post these days Gunz. Solid.

 

OP, you should have ended your post after the first coaching letter. You know how you should be, and you're willing to put the work in. Do it for you. Not her. If she loves you, she'll appreciate it. Don't try to convince.

 

Let her go and keep working. You will gain in life if you do so.