Male friend who tells me more than what he tells his girlfriend

[LimeBlue]

I have a male friend, who is 14 years older than me (I am 38). We have known each other for 13 years as acquaintances, but over the past 9 months we have become friends who now know more about each other than we have over the past 13 years.

 

We do not go out for coffee or dinner, it is purely phone calls and text. I feel he is a friend and nothing more. I am married and he has a girlfriend (his wife died a while back). We sometimes go for four weeks with no contact, and other times we text one another almost daily, then it goes quiet again and so on. This to me is normal friendship as I do not get anxious if he does not text me - as I say, normal in my view.

 

However... he has told me things about his emotions over losing his wife which he has told me he cannot tell his girlfriend. If he is feeling down and depressed he talks to me instead of her. She has no idea that he is still grieving like this, but he tells me about his anxiety over his wifes birthday coming up, and his anxiety about getting through Christmas without his wife and so on. Yet he hides it all from his girlfriend.

 

His girlfriend does not live with him, in fact it is a long distance relationship where he goes to visit her every third weekend.

 

Is this normal? He told me about 6 months ago that he feels a lot for me, but I don't know if that meant he has feelings for me, or if he feels compassion for me (I was going through a tough patch).

 

All I want is his friendship, but I do wonder if his feelings go further than what I view as friendship. Am I reading too much into it?

[soccerrprp]

I have a male friend, who is 14 years older than me (I am 38). We have known each other for 13 years as acquaintances, but over the past 9 months we have become friends who now know more about each other than we have over the past 13 years.

 

We do not go out for coffee or dinner, it is purely phone calls and text. I feel he is a friend and nothing more. I am married and he has a girlfriend (his wife died a while back). We sometimes go for four weeks with no contact, and other times we text one another almost daily, then it goes quiet again and so on. This to me is normal friendship as I do not get anxious if he does not text me - as I say, normal in my view.

 

However... he has told me things about his emotions over losing his wife which he has told me he cannot tell his girlfriend. If he is feeling down and depressed he talks to me instead of her. She has no idea that he is still grieving like this, but he tells me about his anxiety over his wifes birthday coming up, and his anxiety about getting through Christmas without his wife and so on. Yet he hides it all from his girlfriend.

 

His girlfriend does not live with him, in fact it is a long distance relationship where he goes to visit her every third weekend.

 

Is this normal? He told me about 6 months ago that he feels a lot for me, but I don't know if that meant he has feelings for me, or if he feels compassion for me (I was going through a tough patch).

 

All I want is his friendship, but I do wonder if his feelings go further than what I view as friendship. Am I reading too much into it?

 

Hi LimeBlue,

 

It sounds like a friendship to me. He's become comfortable with you and that is obvious with you. You have become his friend and confidant. He trusts you and his sharing his feelings with you and not with his LDR girlfriend is normal, I think. You have a 14-yr history together. No surprise at this point, that he is more open to you than his gf that he sees only every third weekend. He may also be keeping it from his gf b/c he doesn't want her to think that he is not ready or questioning the relationship by telling her that he still harbours strong feelings for his late-wife and depressed on top of that.

 

I think he's developed an emotional bridge to you that comes with feeling safe. You've shared intimate details about your life and you've been a support to him. Your proximity is also helpful. His gf is really an acquaintance for now. I understand why he is not sharing his feelings with her.

 

But, don't take likely the possibility that he may be feeling "more" for you. It could happen. Keep your guard up and don't do or say anything that would lead him to think that you want anything more than friendship.

 

How long has it been since the passing of his wife? It sounds like it was recent.

[LimeBlue]

Thank you for your reply soccerrprp. I never thought of it as an emotional bridge -thank you for that analogy. It makes sense.

 

His wife died two years ago. She committed suicide.

[soccerrprp]

Thank you for your reply soccerrprp. I never thought of it as an emotional bridge -thank you for that analogy. It makes sense.

 

His wife died two years ago. She committed suicide.

 

Oh crap. Sorry to hear that. That's a double whammy. Goodness, that is so sad.

 

I lost my wife to illness not too long ago.

Edited April 8, 2013 by soccerrprp

[LimeBlue]

Oh crap. Sorry to hear that. That's a double whammy. Goodness, that is so sad.

 

I lost my wife to illness not too long ago.

 

So sorry :( I know from listening to this friend of mine cry over the phone with me, the grief one goes through. Been there enough times myself, but not yet with a partner. He blames himself. She was still alive when he found her too My heart breaks for him over and over again.

[RedRobin]

Couple of things... you are married, and it isn't good to have emotional or overly personal conversations with someone of the opposite sex. It creates a feeling of intimacy (intentional or not) that leads down a path you don't want to be on.

 

Second, he needs to see someone trained in grief therapy. Losing one's spouse is always traumatic... but the suddenness and the additional feelings of guilt/shame that come with suicide... that's a lot to deal with.

 

Really, a professional is best for this. That would be my advice. Then you can go back to the more formal friendship you had... checking up on him occasionally with his progress with therapy.

[LimeBlue]

He ended our friendship. He said it was killing him, so I wonder if his feelings were getting involved but he did not say anything. I am left devastated. Second time in my life where I have lost someone who I considered a very special friend (the first was female, this time a male friend). It hurts just as much when I lost my female friend years ago. The pain is incredible.

 

I don't even care if he happens to stumble upon this and read it, and put two and two together.

[kamani]

He had got involved with a girlfriend while he was still greiving for the loss of his wife. His wife committing suicide has made it worse. I feel he was too quick to start a relationship.

 

IMO, he was clearly developing feelings towards you. And, I feel you were too, whether you liked it or not.

[imtooconfused]

LimeBlue, I missed this thread earlier, and only stumbled across this with your update. So I want to go back and answer a few questions that you had in your mind from when he was contacting you...

 

For guys (and I am seriously over generalizing here) displaying any semblance of feelings is not cool and considered unattractive. He would not feel comfortable at all having a breakdown in front of his girlfriend they way he did with you because he has more fear of her seeing him as unmanly than he has of repressing his feelings. At some point he might have better control over his feelings and share those things with her or a future girlfriend but he is not ready for that yet. This leads to another answer to your question... It is very likely that he finds you attractive, but right now in his life that is not why he is coming to you. The fact that he is comfortable breaking down in front of you clearly means that he doesn't care whether or not you find him attractive. In his mind he had to burn that bridge when he cried with you to get those "feelings" out of his system. He looked to you more like a comfort blanket than anything else. Does that make sense so far, because that is the basis for the rest of my comments?

 

Jump now to the present day. Whether through guilt over you and your husband or guilt over him and his girlfriend, he now sees that his reliance on you as inappropriate and chose to break things off. There probably was some evidence of this in the long gaps between your contacts. He probably felt he was getting more attached to his comfort blanket than his girlfriend and felt (again) that he should man-up and leave that comfort blanket behind. But he still is going through a sh*tload of adjustment to do, especially over the way that his wife died (how horrible). He doesn't understand it yet, but he will never get past that. Don't place any blame on him for breaking off your friendship because he is going through such a huge transition he can't be expected to understand how his decisions affect him, let alone others. Morn the loss of your friend, but there is no one to blame for that loss. Are we clear on this part too, because it is important for my last comments?

 

As I said, he still has a lot more feelings to get out. It's not over for him in any way. Being a man, he will let that build and fester (completely hidden from his girlfriend) until he has a complete, earth-shattering breakdown. At some point, it is very likely that he will reach out to you again for help. When he does, he will be seriously in need of your help and very much expecting that you will be there for him. If this happens, you need to do your best to forget whatever hurt you feel about his breaking off the friendship and truly be there for him. If you can't forgive him for what he did to you in the present, you will only compound his emotional stress at that time in the future. It would, in fact, be better to diffuse the situation by sending a clear message to him, whether through these exact words or something similar "I know that you no longer want to be friends, but understand that I will always be available for you if you need me." That would seriously relieve his stress if he does feel the need to reach out.

 

I can tell you that being a "comfort blanket" is not fun, but it's the role that life has chosen for you.

[LimeBlue]

ImTooConfused - Thank you ever so much for taking the time out to write all of that to me. To answer you, here goes:

 

Today is day five of no contact. I call it no contact because clearly for now that is what he wants. I say 'for now' because those are the words he used. He also said he does not want to lose my friendship, but to be honest I see this as his way of fobbing me off lightly which is probably indicative of my own lack of self esteem.

 

I still hurt. Badly. I cry every night and try and hold it together through the day. But I am doing ok by keeping busy. He has gone to visit his girlfriend this weekend and I am being genuine when I say that I hope it is helping him as he has been distant with her recently (I have never met her).

 

You say I became a comfort blanket to him and I agree. And honestly, that is ok with me because that is who I am as a person. I have never looked down on him for 'using' me as a comfort. He has told me intricate details about the night his wife died that he has never told anyone else, and I know his pain and I have never (and will never) judge him for any of it. My greatest wish for him is to be the happy and confident man I once knew, but I do wish that could happen with us still being friends. If not, then I guess I will have to go through the full mourning process and move on. I am not the type to chase, so I will not be texting/phoning him or emailing him - his request was to cut contact and I am going to respect that regardless of how much this hurts.

 

Your present day comment - yes he told me he feels guilt for both him and his girlfriend, and my hubby and I. When he ended it five days ago, I saw it coming in the conversation leading up to it (it was all via text). I told him that I will always have time for him, and that I understood why he needs to break off our communications. I have also told him on another occasion, recently within the past two weeks prior to break off, that I will always be there no matter what. I do not blame him at all. He is VERY confused, very unhappy, very lonely, and not confident in himself at all even at age 52. I have never judged him, nor do I blame him and I can only hope that he knows that deep down inside.

 

You say he will reach out to me again - this is the only part where I have to disagree with you. I think it is done. It hurts so deep, but I just have the instinct that I will never see or hear from him again. I have no expectations, I just want him to be happy and if cutting contact from me will help that, then that is ok too. I guess this is the life of a comfort blanket eh?

[stillafool]

All I want is his friendship, but I do wonder if his feelings go further than what I view as friendship. Am I reading too much into it?

 

You say all you want is friendship from this man but you are acting like you are in love with him. You are crying at night over him? I get that you are a people pleaser but it is not your place to be there for him. You are suppose to be there for your husband. Let his gf take care of him. You need to back off and steer him back to his gf when he comes to you for help.

[LimeBlue]

You need to back off and steer him back to his gf when he comes to you for help.

 

I have lost count of the amount of times I have tried to do that... I have also lost count of how many times I have made suggestions to him about how to go about actually changing his life in order to marry his girlfriend (he says he wants to marry her) and finally move in with her (they are in a LDR). His excuses about why he can't seem even more endless.

 

Not in love with him romantically, I cried for weeks after I lost my female friend as well. It hurts me like hell when I lose someone I care about.

[LoverOfDance]

If u feel nothing towards this man, why did u put this thread in the "friends and lovers" section then? Why are u trying to find out if he likes u or not?

 

I have a really close male friend who I suspect may have feelings 4 me but I'm not curious to find out if they are right or wrong bcoz I don't have feelings 4 him. It doesn't matter 2 me and my hope is that my suspicions are wrong. I really think u're lying to yourself.

 

U can try to fool the world but don't ever lie to yourself. Be truthful. If u think about it, u gain absolutely nothing from not telling yourself the truth. Just saying.

[imtooconfused]

I have a really close male friend who I suspect may have feelings 4 me but I'm not curious to find out if they are right or wrong bcoz I don't have feelings 4 him.

 

LoverOfDance, I personally feel that you are in the wrong by stringing a man on as "just a friend" if you know in your heart that he has feelings for you.

 

It doesn't matter 2 me...

 

How can you say that you are this man's friend if you don't give a **** about his feelings? This is one of the most selfish acts a person can do (man or woman), which is to lead someone on as a friend but completely ignore their feelings beyond being a friend. Sorry, but for me that is a very sore spot.

 

I still hurt. Badly. I cry every night and try and hold it together through the day. But I am doing ok by keeping busy.

 

To me it is more honest and genuine to admit having feelings for a friend.

[imtooconfused]

You say he will reach out to me again - this is the only part where I have to disagree with you. I think it is done. It hurts so deep, but I just have the instinct that I will never see or hear from him again. I have no expectations, I just want him to be happy and if cutting contact from me will help that, then that is ok too. I guess this is the life of a comfort blanket eh?

 

It is very right for you to have no expectations and plan for that eventuality. You admit, though, that he is in a severe state of confusion, which is justified given his situation. Therefore I would be willing to place real money on two long term outcomes:

 

1) He is not able to clear his mind with the support of just his girlfriend, in which case he will need your support as I indicated previously.

 

2) He will get the support that he needs just from his girlfriend. The confident, secure man that you knew will return. When that happens, he will be grateful for the help that you provided and will reach out to you to thank you, leading eventually to the friendship that you had before he lost his wife.

[LoverOfDance]

LoverOfDance, I personally feel that you are in the wrong by stringing a man on as "just a friend" if you know in your heart that he has feelings for you.

 

 

 

How can you say that you are this man's friend if you don't give a **** about his feelings? This is one of the most selfish acts a person can do (man or woman), which is to lead someone on as a friend but completely ignore their feelings beyond being a friend. Sorry, but for me that is a very sore spot.

 

 

 

To me it is more honest and genuine to admit having feelings for a friend.

 

Please don't get me wrong. By saying "it doesn't matter to me", I don't mean his feelings. Finding out whether he likes me or not is what I'm referring to. I don't care to know whether he likes me or not because I don't feel the same. And no, I don't know in my heart that he likes me, it is just a suspicion. For all I know I cld be completely wrong.

 

I have actually told him b4 not to develop feelings 4 me because I don't have feelings towards him. I know it sounds harsh but I'm just being open and straightforward with him. If he all of a sudden told me one day that he liked me despite my warnings not to fall me, I wldn't reject him because I love him as a friend. I wld give it a shot and see where it goes. All that aside, this thread is not about me, it's about the OP.

[imtooconfused]

Please don't get me wrong. By saying "it doesn't matter to me", I don't mean his feelings. Finding out whether he likes me or not is what I'm referring to.

 

I see exactly where you are going with that, but respectfully, I find that to be a distinction without a difference.

 

Admittedly, I am going with the worst case scenario here, but if he is interested in you, then it is very likely to be one of the most important things on his mind every time you interact together. To say you don't care about one of the most important things on his mind is to precisely say that you don't care about what he feels. If you truly don't want to know, then for the sake of your friend (and his feelings) you should assume the worst case scenario and set your mutual friendship expectations accordingly.

 

EDIT: And for the record, I completely respect your position on how you, yourself feel about your friend and I thank you for providing insight into a "just friends" situation.

[LimeBlue]

I am feeling much better today. Posting here and receiving varied views gives much food for thought, and it has helped me process it all. But for those who think I may want more with him - no. He is a serial cheater and has had a number of affairs. He has also cheated on his current girlfriend and has told me about it etc. Based on his cheating alone I could not imagine a romantic relationship with him.

Edited July 7, 2013 by LimeBlue

[kamani]

But for those who think I may want more with him - no. He is a serial cheater and has had a number of affairs. Based on his cheating alone I could not imagine a romantic relationship with him.

 

I mean you didn't intend to have an affair with him. You were developing feelings for him subconsciously though you didn't want it. May be you were on your way towards an EA. I know you would confront my point.

 

Otherwise why do you feel so much pain?

 

These things happen when people gets too close.

 

Despite being a serial cheater and probably being the cause of wife's suicide, this time he was smart enough to nip it at the bud.

 

May be he truely cared for you and didn't want to put you in trouble.

[LimeBlue]

He broke NC last night. He said he wanted to contact me over a week ago but after our agreement on NC he decided not to, but last night he contacted me. He is in a bad place, in tears, hurting, and I thought by having NC for some weeks it would help him, but it seems to have done completely the opposite. He is confused, hurt, and sad. We spoke for a brief time and he is unsure about making the move to be with his girlfriend (he is in LDR). He has his own business and selling it would be literally selling his life and all he has ever worked for, and his girlfriend cannot move to where he is either. I fear I have more feelings than what I ever realized. I will continue to encourage him to make it happen with his girlfriend who he says he wants to marry (I sometimes wonder if he is trying to convince himself?). He told me how nice it was to talk and how he hopes to see me soon. What do I do?

[TaraMaiden]

Tell him he needs to choose, and that until he leaves his GF, you can't talk to him any more.

 

Tell him to only contact you when he's decided to be single.

 

Don't enable his fence-sitting.

Make him decide.

Until he does, back off and drop off his radar.

[LimeBlue]

Tell him he needs to choose, and that until he leaves his GF, you can't talk to him any more.

 

Tell him to only contact you when he's decided to be single.

 

Don't enable his fence-sitting.

Make him decide.

Until he does, back off and drop off his radar.

 

I don't think he will leave his girlfriend, she seems to be quite a strong person who keeps him in check (and pressures him to sell his business and move). He says he wants to marry her and truly loves her, so why would he leave her? Just trying to understand what you mean

 

I did drop off his radar, completely. Last night he told me that he felt I was avoiding him, so I told him that I was merely doing as we discussed as I thought we were NC. Yet he felt I was avoiding him? Gosh and men say women are complicated! I told him that what he sees as my avoidance, is what I see as abiding by our frank discussion of NC, and as such I did not contact at all (I really honestly have been 100% NC on my side). Which in turn lead to him thinking I was avoiding him. He is just over 50, yet seems very unsure of himself.