veggirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 OMG she's 45?! She sounds like a teenager! Just freakin dump her! This relationship is toxic and there is NO saving it! She is a fked up person and its been ingrained for 45 yrs, if it ain't been worked on now, its not going to be! Why would she change for you when she hasn't changed in 45 yrs? and....trying for a baby at 45 yrs old...? Dude she is off her rocker, please cut your losses. She calls you names, emasculates you, just dump her asap however is easiest, and then block her phone #. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 So you are just going to sit there and hope for the best, all the time hoping she has amazing mind reading skills? Hoping she will just suddenly stop her abusive behaviour and become everything you want? I'm starting to get a better picture..... As regarding compassion, just because one person does not behave with class doesn't mean you have to stoop to her level. no i don't expect her to read my mind... the next time she is, cold or abusive towards me, i will calmly tell ask not to treat me in that way. i will ask her nicely & explain to her, that i have come to see you, at your house & as a guest in your house, you should not be making me feel unwanted, or treating me with contempt. if she carries on in this way, i will leave her house & end the relationship. we both live sepratley, but i stop at her house 4 times a week & she stops at my house just twice a week. the one thing i have observed is, she is cold, unloving & rude towards me, when i am at her house.... but she is nicer & better behaved when she is at my property... is this a control thing??? does she feel power over me, because i am at her house. please advice me, how to continue... because i love her, i want to give this relationship a couple of weeks. the problem is, she treats me with dis respect when i am at her house... this makes me very uncomfortable & feel like getting up & just leaving, but if i get up & leave, she will probably end the relationship how do i conduct myself over the next couple of weeks??? if i go to her house & she is rude or very cold towards towards me? how should i handle it.... talk to her? tell her in a clam manner, not to speak to me in that way, as i am a guest at her house???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 OMG she's 45?! She sounds like a teenager! Just freakin dump her! This relationship is toxic and there is NO saving it! She is a fked up person and its been ingrained for 45 yrs, if it ain't been worked on now, its not going to be! Why would she change for you when she hasn't changed in 45 yrs? and....trying for a baby at 45 yrs old...? Dude she is off her rocker, please cut your losses. She calls you names, emasculates you, just dump her asap however is easiest, and then block her phone #. yes she is nearly 46 years old & yet carries on like a child. i am thinking about giving her a week or so, and in that time explaining to her, that her behaviour towards me is not good. but... deep in my heart, i know you are right... nothing is going to change!!! she might go back to being nice for a couple of weeks, then she will only go back to her nasty ways, the first moment i upset or annoy her in anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) kaitricid she is not going to suddenly change. Certainly not in a few weeks! Waiting around until she mistreates you, is a very immature way of approaching things. I really don't get why people just stay in a relationship and just hope for their partner to change, all the while getting more and more frustrated. This is just poor relationship communication. Sometimes it can even lead to passive-agressive behaviour. If you have an issue what ever happened to TALKING about it? Why not discuss things in detail before it gets to the "I've had enough" stage? Now with this girl I agree with veggirl above. I would leave and leave quick. Even if you try talking to her, she will not react in the way you hope. That I guarantee. If your girl was 41, I would be convinced you are currently dating my ex. Believe me, I know the type. They never take accountability or responsibility. They lie, manipulate, abuse yet you are 100% responsible. In this case I wouldn't bother with the talk. Talking is for when their is a relationship to save. I can't see what about this relationship you would want to save? Just remember emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. You are 37? yet end up with a woman like this, with three kids already? This tells me you have issues of your own that you need to address. I would breakup with this girl and put all my focus on myself. Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 What do you think is going to change in 2 weeks when someone like her is most likely inherent in her ways? If she has had no capability to have any awareness of her unkind behavior, why do you think there will be change in 2 weeks? She's 45. This is who she is. Her core. There is a reason why she treats you that way. It doesn't come from a place of love. She may change for the sake of winning you over, but once the dust settles and you are back in her control, her true nature will again reveal itself. You say you love her. What about her do you love? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) Now I am not suggesting your girl has BPD, but maybe this article rings a few bells? -> How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. and http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 What do you think is going to change in 2 weeks when someone like her is most likely inherent in her ways? If she has had no capability to have any awareness of her unkind behavior, why do you think there will be change in 2 weeks? She's 45. This is who she is. Her core. There is a reason why she treats you that way. It doesn't come from a place of love. She may change for the sake of winning you over, but once the dust settles and you are back in her control, her true nature will again reveal itself. You say you love her. What about her do you love? what do i love about her? seriously..... i don't know! does she look after me? no does she treat me with respect? occasionally do i feel safe & secure with her? definitely not, i am mostly walking on egg shells around her, worried she will dump me at anytime can i communicate with her? no, if i try to talk to her about things, she regards me as being weak and needy & will not properly communicate i think i am mostly with her, because she is so attractive, i feel good being with her, the sex "was" great and when she is not being a bitch, we do have some loving times together. there are so many things that annoy me about her... she is constantly on her phone & on facebook she is with her friends every single day, non stop... it's like she cannot go a single day without her phone or friends she has put her friends over me, on a few occassions so what do i love? i think i may have my priorieties wrong... i need to look past her looks, and see what is inside her & what she can offer me, for the rest of my life maybe i am scared of being alone again & feeling lonley Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 when she is not being a bitch... we do have some loving, nice times together Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 what do i love about her? seriously..... i don't know! does she look after me? no does she treat me with respect? occasionally do i feel safe & secure with her? definitely not, i am mostly walking on egg shells around her, worried she will dump me at anytime can i communicate with her? no, if i try to talk to her about things, she regards me as being weak and needy & will not properly communicate i think i am mostly with her, because she is so attractive, i feel good being with her, the sex "was" great and when she is not being a bitch, we do have some loving times together. there are so many things that annoy me about her... she is constantly on her phone & on facebook she is with her friends every single day, non stop... it's like she cannot go a single day without her phone or friends she has put her friends over me, on a few occassions so what do i love? i think i may have my priorieties wrong... i need to look past her looks, and see what is inside her & what she can offer me, for the rest of my life maybe i am scared of being alone again & feeling lonely This is my last relationship. Dude you got some issues man..No one likes hearing that but no emotionally healthy man would want a relationship like this. Seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) You don't know what you love about her. But you know you are with her because she is attractive and because of sex, and even that is faltering, and depending on whether she wants it. Pretty sad reasons. I would agree that you are afraid to be alone. And that your self-esteem is in the tank, along with whatever ounce of self-respect you have left. You have loving times. But they are not consistent. You can scratch that off the list. In essence, you have nothing. Edited April 9, 2013 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 This is my last relationship. Dude you got some issues man..No one likes hearing that but no emotionally healthy man would want a relationship like this. Seriously... i know what issues i have.... she has destroyed myself esteem. when i first met her, i was a strong person, and did not take much crap from her at all. but when i fell in love with her & she knows & realises that i am in love with her, that is when the dis respect started. she is taking advantage of the fact that i am in love with her... the other issue i have, is losing her to another man, because i so wanted for things to work out for us... also i am scared of being alone... these are my issues!!! you say, my relationship with this woman sounds very similar to your ex? how do you feel about your ex now, when you look back??? do you feel relief or do you feel hurt about losing her?????? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) Kait, you know your self-esteem is destroyed. You do know that the more you engage with her, the more you keep dimnishing yourself. It's a choice you have to make. If you were once that strong person, chances are you can get him back. But you can't do that if you keep destroying yourself. She is not destroying you. You are. I understand how you feel. When I broke up with my ex, it was hard. He was essentially a package. Stunning and gorgeous man. Successful. Smart. Ambitious. Hot sex. But aside from the superficial, he was also a cheater and treated me unkindly towards the end of the relationship. I had a hard time letting the superficial side of that go. It's normal to feel that you lost a good thing, but that good thing was just the surface. But I guarantee you, that when you end this and your emotions start to fade, you will realize that sometimes being alone is much more tolerable than being with someone that doesn't make you happy. I see my ex now and as handsome as he is, as if he walked out of a GQ magazine and being 37 and a young Senior VP of a large organization, it does nothing for me because at the end of the day, I know who he is inside. My boyfriend now may not be as successful or have those chiseled good looks but I adore him for being the man that he is inside and out. To me he is the most gorgeous thing ever. You have to start wanting more for yourself. The feeling of being alone is scary, especially after a break-up but I guarantee you that once you reach emotional freedom, you'll welcome feeling liberated and open to the opportunities of meeting new people and finding beauty within and ones that can reciprocate all that you have to offer. There is more out there than just sex and looks. I'm not sure how else to help you. I have a feeling that she will run you to the ground before you find your courage to stand up. I hope for your sake you do it soon. Edited April 9, 2013 by geegirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) you say, my relationship with this woman sounds very similar to your ex? how do you feel about your ex now, when you look back??? do you feel relief or do you feel hurt about losing her?????? Firstly, I know you understand that fear of being alone is not a good enough reason to stay with a woman...Indeed the only way you will meet the kind of woman you desire is to be very happy alone. Happy within your own skin. I noticed when I wasn't worrying about what society was expecting of me and started to live in the moment a lot more, that I found it easier to take the shackles off. Those same shackles are holding you back. I suffer(ed) all the same things you do. So I know what you feel like right now. As with my ex I know she is not for me (and vice versa) but I hope she is happy. I forgave her and moved on. Now I struggled moving on, because I really didn't like who I was when I was with her. Eventually I decided to do something about it. I'm in a better place now. The anger and resentment is gone. I do sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking to put up with her whackiness. You will to in time. Just try be decisive. I kept leaving the relationship and going back for more like a good low self esteem lap dog. Make a decision and stick with it. I think you will really regret staying. She will suck all the good from you and you will never feel appreciated for the sacrifices you make. It's like all the good you do gets sucked into an endless pit of emotional hunger. Ok I am sure she has a good side (most of us do) but is some amazing sex, and some tender moments really worth losing your sense of self? This behaviour and abuse will get worse as well in time. Come on mate you know what you have to do. It's either short term sadness and long term happiness or short term happiness and long term sadness. I do and I don't agree with geegirl above. IMO when you truly see into somebody, looks are completely irrelevant, but I certainly could never compare and contrast ex's like that. When I am in love I can only see what is straight in front of me, not what was behind. I guess I just hope you that are so in love in future Kaitracid that all you see is her inner beauty, which means that she will be the most beautiful attractive person you have ever been with (including this girl). If you ever watch Avatar there is a great concept ->Oe-lnga-tikam "I see you" which means I see straight into your soul. If you are saying "my ex is better looking and more successful", I can't see how you are truly seeing into their soul. Therefore Kaitracid, I hope you don't compare like this. I think it would do your new girl a great disservice, but we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves. Do you really in your heart believe this girl is your life long match? You know the answer to that question and you know what to do..Time to work on those flaws and get the kind of relationship you crave. Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) i hear what you guys are saying & i cannot disagree with you... i know this relationship is doomed, as she will never change & cannot have a rational relationship, with an irrational person!! the way things are going at the moment, there is a good chance that she may dump me, in the next week or so. she invites me to come over to her house, but when i am there, she is snappy with me & quite cold towards me!! i sit there thinking.... my god i have drove an hour & spent money on fuel, to spend some time with her, at her house & she greets me with a cold shoulder... i just feel so uncomfortable being at her house..... but then when i leave or decide to stop at my own home, rather then her house... she turns on the guilt trip, making accusations about me being bored with with her, that is why i am leaving. i just cannot win... it is like she wants me at her house, so we can just ignore each other and make each other miserable. my gut tells me, she may end things with me soon, as she is very distant & we are not even having sex anymore.. is it best if i dumped her first? or let her do the dumping Edited April 9, 2013 by kaitracid Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) is it best if i dumped her first? or let her do the dumping This isn't some kindergarten game! Arrange to meet her. Go through everything you want to say in your head and leave the relationship. Give her a chance to talk and hear her out. Just try keep your cool, even if she doesn't. Leave with a bit of class and then start to move forward. Go strict NC!!!! This will be hard. Real hard. Detangling from toxic relationships are harder because it involves looking into your soul as well. Some can't look inside so they just avoid and blame (your soon to be ex). You need to choose a wiser path. Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 is it best if i dumped her first? or let her do the dumping You dump her because you realize it's a dead end and that you are done with it. If you're at that stage, then the question is moot. If you are asking the question, it means that you don't have the courage to do it yourself. You can let her decide your fate or you can do it yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 You dump her because you realize it's a dead end and that you are done with it. If you're at that stage, then the question is moot. If you are asking the question, it means that you don't have the courage to do it yourself. You can let her decide your fate or you can do it yourself. I WILL be doing the dumping.... as i want her to see, that you cannot get away with abusing someone forever i want to give her something to think about.... when someone dearly loves you, do not take them for granted... do not abuse there love for you love leaves an abuser! plus it will give her a message that i am taking that power back from her Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) I WILL be doing the dumping.... as i want her to see, that you cannot get away with abusing someone forever i want to give her something to think about.... when someone dearly loves you, do not take them for granted... do not abuse there love for you love leaves an abuser! plus it will give her a message that i am taking that power back from her She is 45 with 3 kids (I am going to assume multiple dads?). Trust me she won't learn anything that you trying 'teach' her. Her mind is set in a certain way and is not for changing. The only things she will think about, are your negative attributes and the mistakes you made. Then onto the next guy and the same mistakes. It's a vicious cycle that she is clueless on how to break. The one thing you need to try and understand is that her thought process is VERY different to yours. Think of it like two wavelengths on an oscilloscope that never cross paths. Trying to figure her out is pointless.. Good for you for taking your power back, but the message will be so lost on this woman. Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05 1 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I WILL be doing the dumping.... as i want her to see, that you cannot get away with abusing someone forever i want to give her something to think about.... when someone dearly loves you, do not take them for granted... do not abuse there love for you love leaves an abuser! plus it will give her a message that i am taking that power back from her It's going to be difficult, Kait. But you have to have resolve in your heart that this is the best thing for you in the long run and follow through with it. Most likely she will come back and try to engage you back into the relationship, as she has done before. You will have to find the courage to keep moving on, because you know the situation will never change. Yes, take your power back. It's time for you to rediscover that Kait who was once strong and independent. He's in there, somewhere. You have to give yourself a fighting chance to get back to who you once were. Keep us posted and if you feel weak or unsure, come here seek advice or help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 9, 2013 Author Share Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) She is 45 with 3 kids (I am going to assume multiple dads?). Trust me she won't learn anything that you trying 'teach' her. Her mind is set in a certain way and is not for changing. The only things she will think about, are your negative attributes and the mistakes you made. Then onto the next guy and the same mistakes. It's a vicious cycle that she is clueless on how to break. The one thing you need to try and understand is that her thought process is VERY different to yours. Think of it like two wavelengths on an oscilloscope that never cross paths. Trying to figure her out is pointless.. Good for you for taking your power back, but the message will be so lost on this woman. she is nearly 46, and actually has 4 kids a 14 year old, a 16 year old, a 9 year old, and a 18 year old they are from 3 different fathers.... the last guy she was seeing, they was together 12 years & had the youngest daughter together.... yet they never lived together for those 12 years, he only saw her on weekends, no marriage, no serious commitments. no living together. he did his own thing, she did her own... i really doubt if she even knows what serious commitment is... currently he is paying child support & she makes sure, she gets every penny out of him. sometimes i think, that will be me next... as she asked me to try for a baby, and lied about being on the contraceptive!! she does not work & claim £18,000 a year in state benefits... plus child support... if she gets another child with me (muggings) she will be increasing her income... and prob dump me too anyhow, in some ways you are right... even if i dump her & explain my reasons why... and how bad she treated me... i know it will not sink in ever. one thing i have learned is... she NEVER EVER EVER EVER has exepcted any wrong doing, or apologised for a thing i will stay strong this & save myself from a life of misery... Edited April 9, 2013 by kaitracid Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Please stay strong mate...This is a train wreck. I knew from your description, that my assumption of her having numerous dads to those kids was spot on. Free yourself and quick..Seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Yikes! And she wants another child with you! I don't care how gorgeous she is or if sex sends you to the moon. Run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 i went to see her yesterday, in the hope that i could talk to her... when i drove over, she sent me a text, asking me to pick up a bottle of wine for her, as she is having a drink with her mate. this was around 3pm during the day... i thought to myself, it's a bit early in the day to start drinking. plus me & her had an agreement that we would not drink all the time, only at the weekends, as drinking all the time is not a healthy thing in a relationship. we both agreed on this so when i got there, i asked her in a jokey manner, bit early in the day to be drinking isn't it. her response to me in a rude manner.... I WILL DRINK WHENEVER I WANT TO DRINK!!!!!! so i have to accept her drinking whenever & with whom ever from now on too. more disrespect for me, and more worries & crap i have to take from her now. i have to end this relationship, as it is going to destroy me Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) i have to end this relationship, as it is going to destroy me Yet you didn't end it yesterday..Instead you picked her up a bottle of wine..Dude grow a pair and end this farce ASAP and NEVER look back. What an opportunity lost yesterday to leave in real style.. I WILL DRINK WHENEVER I WANT TO DRINK!!!!!! "Really.............Is that so? Well I can choose to leave this relationship anytime I want to.......Actually now is good. Enjoy your wine".. Edited April 10, 2013 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaitracid Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 i just ended it with her!!! have had enough of the insults, the disrespect, the misery, her control over me. Link to post Share on other sites
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