Trust in her... trust in my own intuition.

[Alpha Beta]

Around a year and a half ago my girlfriend cheated on me. That was about 2 years into what is now a three and a half year relationship.

 

I sent her packing whilst I dealt with the shock. Although she had already realised her mistake and had ended what was a breif month long fling she fell on her sword at the point where I left her and it was only then that the full gravity of ruining our relationship impacted on her.

 

She fought hard to save us. We both spoke openly about what had been wrong and over the course of the next few months we started to put everything back together. The love never went away. They was a certain anger in my heart and mind for a while. It slowly ebbed away.

 

We went on a dream holiday we had discussed. Moved closer to each other... and the best bit... we stopped taking each other for granted. Although i had not cheated, I had spent more time on my career than was good for the relationship.

 

So then... what of trust. Well.. trust damaged will never be as strong again. But for the most part it can be earned back. Do I trust my girlfriend?! Yes. But now there is also the occasional thought of what has gone before and when other parts of life get on top of you a sad abilty to allow my mind to fleet to imagining what may happen.... things that I thought were once implausible for our relationship.

 

My love for my girlfriend and the happiness we add to each others lives makes up for the downside of having that slight chink in the trust we share.

 

When you find out that you have been cheated on.. you ask many questions of yourself. No matter how strong or resolute you are that it is a weakness in the other person, I think that everyone who has been cheated on must for even just an hour question their own weakness and less attractive points. But for me, and perhaps you, I was impressed that my intuition was satisfied.

 

I was aware that something was wrong...

I knew something was happening...

I picked up on the signs...

 

The whole thing left me certain that my intuition was still very well intact.... which leads me to my current dilemma.....

 

Just a few small things have happened recently which I might have CHOSEN to overlook in the past. But now knowing that I was right to interpret the signs last time... I feel I must follow up these.

 

The physical side of our relationship has taken a massive turn for the worse. That area was always quite good.

She gets really protective if I ask who she was hanging out with (along with friends) in bars.

Instead of staying over at my place, she always returns home... (ok that beats having an hour long drive to work in the morning.. but she used to do it... and I still do)

She's going out a lot more.... with friends.

 

.. and here's the one that really got me thinking....

She has come off the pill and, at the same time as our physical relationship going downhill, I found a box of three condoms in her overnight bag with one missing. There could be loads of innocent explainations about that, but there are obviously some that are more devious.

 

I really dont know how to ask her about that little thing... she will see it as me still not being ready to trust her. I see it as something that needs to be explained for my trust to go on building.

 

... or perhaps I should just let my intuition win out.... and go.

 

For the most part we have a happy time together. Theres lots of love it would seem. We both talk about marrying one day. I just don't know about these latest things.

 

Any suggestions?

[Merin]

Well as someone who has also been cheated on:mad:

 

If I were in that place, I would just ask.

 

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to ask her this..... it's kind of odd in a way because tikibrandy just asked a question today regarding "snooping" and is it right and do you do it......

 

I am at a place with my bf where if or when he gives me reason to believe he is lying to me or cheating on me (because he has done both ) I ask him or seek the answers I need to have if he doesn't want to give the 411. Does it make it right? Hmmm probably not, but what he did wasn't right either, so I feel justified.

 

You've been with your girl for a long while now, and you're thinking about marriage...... so I say if you can't talk openly and honestly so that you feel better....... then how is this going to work?

 

Just my thoughts. Good Luck

[JoL]

I'm sorry, but if my boyfriend had a history of cheating on me and i opened his overnight bag and found condoms in there and we didn't use condoms as a form of contraception...

...then well, i wouldn't be able to help but be VERY suspicious...boarding on going out of my mind..yes, there could be a good reason for it, but i'd still ask her.

 

You need to confront her, and confront her now!