Sorry Everyone. The saga continues....

[Nyla]

I've written about my dysfunctional and abusive family ad nauseam. I know that LS members must get tired of reading the same things from me all the time and I apologize. It is just that my family of origin expect certain things from me that I am not prepared to give. This is why I come to LS and post about what is going on to get different perspectives.

 

I have posted about this issue before, but I only received one response. Hopefully more LS members can give me their perspective this time.

 

My mother has expressed sadness that we are not closer. She wishes "things could have been different" between us and she complains that I don't want her in my life.

 

I don't feel close to my mother at all. She was very emotionally and physically abusive during my childhood and when I became an adult, it changed to manipulative acts in an attempt to control me.

After years of abuse, my mother is starting to actually say nice things about me. She even talks about what a good daughter I was. I will never understand what made my mother treat me so badly since I was well behaved and responsible.

 

The main issue is I wish that she would stop trying to be my friend. I just don't feel emotionally safe with my mother. I feel sorry for my her because she is a damaged person who had a hard life. However, her guilt is not my cross to bear and I will NOT reassure her that she was the great mother she thought she was. I don't blow smoke up anyone's ass.

 

Recently, my mother has invited me to go see an Oprah seminar with her. I don't want to go and I plan on telling her that I have plans with my husband that evening. When my mother tries to be nice to me and be my pal, I want to scream at her to stop the fake bull****. I would tell my mom that I don't want to be close to her, but that would result in a huge family drama and being kept from my nieces and my dad.

 

What is your take on why my mom wants to play happy families now?

[Radu]

Either regret for what she did, or being afraid that no-one will take care of her during her old age.

 

If she is religious, that's also one way to look at it.

At 50+, abusive women find God, mostly because they know they are going to hell and that they cannot lie about things to Him.

I say women because over here i only see the women go through this.

[Nyla]

She believes in God but isn't religious. Her favorite children will look after her, so it must be guilt. Oh joy....not my issue to deal with.

[Janesays]

Has she ever apologized? If not, it's likely she re-wrote history in her head.

 

Not even child abusers describe themselves as being child abusers.

 

As actual abused children, we NEED to hold them accountable. If only to protect future generations.

 

Next time she asks you 'why can't you be closer.' Say, in a very matter of fact, unemotional voice, "Well, it's because you abused me as a child and have yet to apologize and make amends."

 

She'll probably freak out because, like I said, she doesn't believer or want to believe what she did was abuse. So when she tries to argue, just disengage completely. "I will not argue with you. This conversation is over." Then hang up or walk away.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm guessing that with age comes foresight that shines a light on her past deeds as a mother. It is likely that she does not want to get old and be at odds with one of her children while on her deathbed. My own grandmother is experiencing this now - albeit she is recovering from a stroke and cannot speak. It has brought the rest of the family together, and my mother made her peace too - but the animosity remains between siblings sadly.

 

I digress - my personal view is that if you are still harboring a certain amount of resentment towards your mother, it would be beneficial for you to let it go. If you already have, then I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your mother if you haven't already done so. You have to let it off your chest and tell her how you feel about her and the past. It will hurt her I'm sure, but if you are able to do this sincerely and without anger then it will go some way towards at least an olive branch between the two of you, if not building a bridge.

 

I can understand that you don't feel close to your mother. But you don't have to reassure her that she was a good mother if she wasn't. My mother never did to her mother. But she always forgave her, even if she stayed away. Like I forgave my father for his own mistakes - I am consequently much closer to him than ever. I'm not promising the same for you, but it would do some good towards healing the rift that you two have.

 

You don't have to accept my advice as the truth (it is a speculative opinion), but food for thought perhaps......

[Nyla]

I agree that I need to let some resentment and anger go. Most times I think I have, but when my mom acts like we should be best buds or tries to be opinionated about my life, all bets are off. It must be my way of protecting myself from further attacks. I know I sound like a reprehensible and whiny adult child.

 

Janesays, I have tried to tell my mother that she was abusive. It resulted in her contacting several extended family members along with my other siblings. She sought reassurance that she was a good mom, while being able to gossip about me at the same time. It resulted in several extended family members and my siblings cutting me off.

 

La Mere will never accept that she was awful to me for a long time. All she does is moan and complain about how distant I am so that she can be the victim. I've been fooled before by La Mere's temporary change in attitude. She normally goes back to her normal battleax personality after she is comfy with me again. This time, I will be smart enough to keep my distance.

 

I should also say that I understand that no parent is all bad or all good. My mother instilled a strong work ethic along with the value of education. It is because of my mother that I have domestic skills as well. She wanted me to turn out well, not like some ghetto trash with five kids from five different fathers and not even a high school diploma. I think my mother believed that she was doing the right thing. She always says she did the best with what she knew, though she acknowledges that she made mistakes.

[Silly_Girl]

It's time for your rules. It's up to you to decide whether you want anything from her, or not. And if you DO want a relationship with her, you've every right for it to be on her terms.

 

I agree with the denial aspect that's been put forward. She just does not know how bad she was, or she refuses to allow herself to consider it.

 

I don't know how you keep contact minimal and comfortable, without it eventually coming to a head as to why. I can't imagine your feelings about your mother ever fundamentally shifting, so there's not too much point in putting off this one event, only for her to presumably ask you to something else, and something else.

[bluegreen]

Nayla doll you are not bother to us !!!!!

This forum just might have saved my sanity for few times and beless the one who made it and those who where there for me.

Read my post more or less mirrors yours mine does and do same in house hell outside pure bs lies and pretenses i had people and girls be jealous of me little did they knew.

What she is doing what they always do its "for them" and so the outside world will clap them and coo how wonderfull mommies they are and there for they get more benefits and oportunities to leech off at.

 

VAMPIRES thats what they are

Am sorry wish I can say yeah she means it mine went up to a year of being a doll and I bought it wow what a mistake that was.

Don't go and DONT EXPLAIN YOURSELF its set up she can spin into whatever she wants believe me been there done that you have your husband and perhaps your kids you take care of that and you !!!!

 

If you can stand talking to her do but imagine talking to a mail man

hi bye whats up aha see you later

 

HUGS

keep us posted you hear you are not bother

[Nyla]

Nice to hear that I am not bothering anyone. I know it gets annoying for people to hear about the same issues all the time from the same posters, so I try to be sensitive to that.

 

I can speak to my mom, be affectionate and talk about light subjects. I can give dutiful cards on holidays and even buy gifts. I will not discuss anything personal, visit her home more than once a month or do anything with her alone. I cannot have a private dinner with just my mother, nor can I go on any trips with her.

[bluegreen]

Good girl : ))

Its more then she deserves it anyway ...

[Silly_Girl]

Nice to hear that I am not bothering anyone. I know it gets annoying for people to hear about the same issues all the time from the same posters, so I try to be sensitive to that.

 

I can speak to my mom, be affectionate and talk about light subjects. I can give dutiful cards on holidays and even buy gifts. I will not discuss anything personal, visit her home more than once a month or do anything with her alone. I cannot have a private dinner with just my mother, nor can I go on any trips with her.

 

I see nothing wrong in that. Good boundaries in the circumstances.

 

But with your best interests at heart, I'm wondering... what do you plan to do/say if she puts you square on the spot? If you are forced to explain your stance?

 

It would be nice for you to be ready with a stock answer.

[bentnotbroken]

Nice to hear that I am not bothering anyone. I know it gets annoying for people to hear about the same issues all the time from the same posters, so I try to be sensitive to that.

 

I can speak to my mom, be affectionate and talk about light subjects. I can give dutiful cards on holidays and even buy gifts. I will not discuss anything personal, visit her home more than once a month or do anything with her alone. I cannot have a private dinner with just my mother, nor can I go on any trips with her.

 

She will need to apologize. My experience is unless there is a conversation (when you are ready) about the past, an acknowledgement of issues and an apology of wrongs...you will not feel safe with her. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you protecting you.

[trevzilla]

Don't know what to say. My mother was verbally and physically abusive, but she became a Christian when I was 8 and got a lot better after that and apologized profusely and felt extremely guilty up to her death 4 years ago. So it was easy to forgive her even though I can't overcome the damage that was done (they say the first 5 years are critical and shape the person you will be for the rest of your life). I have confidence issues and as a result can never connect with any women because I'm pretty messed up emotionally. On the other hand, my father was a junkie and in and out of jail and always flaked when he was supposed to spend time with me. He's never apologized and continued to be flakey when I was trying to give him another chance. The last time he left me sitting in a restaurant for an hour. This was after I cut him off for a year and was trying to give him yet another chance. So basically I've decided that I never want to see him again. He may be my blood, but he's no father. You have to decide what's best for you. If she isn't really asking for forgiveness and you feel it's just manipulation, it may be best to put some distance between you and her for a while. Separating from toxic people allows you to heal, otherwise they just keep reopening old wounds.