Help! Very scary situation!

[Meg]

My husband and I have been living apart for about five months because he hasn't yet gotten a visa to come here, but also because things were going a bit rough for us and I prefer to be here.

 

A few days ago I got a message on my answering machine from him that said he had died on December first, not to look for him and not to come because it was too late.

 

I was really scared because I thought he had committed suicided, so I called around looking for him. It turned out it wasn't really true, but friends of ours told me he was in really bad psychological shape lately.

 

When I finally did get through to him, he told me his heart didn't want to live anymore because he couldn't live without me and that even if I came it would be "too late" because all I would see would be his coffin.

 

I told him not to do anything foolish, that I would come as soon as I get my holiday break, but he doesn't believe me. I don't want to be responsible for his death, but there is no way I can tell him (in his condition) that I can't stay there with him for long.

 

If he is going to be morbid and suicidal how can I feel really attracted to him instead of sorry?

 

I think part of his depression is also the fact that he is 41 and doesn't earn the money he would like to earn for the position and title he has in his country.

 

How can I help him and the situation?

[Tony T]

You have a big problem on your hands and it has nothing to do with his attention getting suicide gestures. This guy has got psychological problems with hair on them. I am truly sorry.

 

First, call the authorities in his hometown immediately. Give them all the information about his messages, calls, etc. Give them the phone numbers of your contacts there. They will check on him and have psychologists intervene to see if he is really suicidal. If he is, they will get him the critical intervention he needs to get him over this hump.

 

While it is VERY important that you do the above and get him evaluated promptly (suicide threats are ALWAYS to be taken very seriously), I frankly think he's using this as a manipulative and attention getting device. But he is only showing you he is a certified jerk. Just let the authorities know when you decide to do it so they can monitor his activities.

 

Where did you find this guy???

 

1. Any man who would leave a message on your answering machine saying he was dead in order to manipulate you, make you feel guilty, or for whatever reason is a no good, rotten baxtard who has absolutely no regard for you whatsoever. He is selfish and self centered beyond all imagination and pathetically in need of years of psychotherapy.

 

2. While it is very romantic when someone tells you they can't live without you, it is most unattractive, unmanly and pathetic for a 41-year-old man to be so weak-minded that he would prefer to kill himself than to wait just a bit longer for his visa.

 

3. This man is a major manipulator. If you decide to remain with him, this behavior will haunt you all the days of your life. Any person who does these kinds of extreme things knows that it will easily get a rise out of those who love him, just like it did. When this behavior is positively reinforced, it will only get worse.

 

4. Let's say I am wrong and he is actually a truly nice guy and is quite sane. That is even MORE grounds for forgetting his butt. Any guy who is in his right mind who would leave such a message for his wife in another country who is quite helpless to do anything about it is a low class, rotten, dirty, rude, mean, scumbag, inconsiderate, selfish, no-good, pukey, worthless slime. If you would still associate with him, it's your problem then. (If you would like additional adjectives to describe him, post and I will give you more).

 

Now, if he's willing to see a counsellor and commit to that for at least a year or more, you may decide you want to hang in there. However, there are no guarantees. It is very difficult for anyone, including a professional, to remove the inclination towards manipulation from anyone. However, he may be able to find slightly more acceptable ways of doing it.

 

Since you are married to him, you know much more about him than your post reveals. You need to take that knowledge to make this very personal decision based on what you have experienced and how you feel. If he has always been a guilt manipulator and has been prone to attention getting behavior like this, you have obviously lived with it in your marriage so you are used to it. I don't think this is something people ought to get used to, though.

 

If you forgive him, if he gets help, and you want to keep this together, you will have to make a special effort to forgive him. What he did was probably the worst thing any man could do to the woman he loves. It was the moral equivalent of dropping an atom bomb on top of you.

 

Although he has very serious mental problems at this time...perhaps an excellent anti-depressant could help if he's really depressed...I am still very angry at him. I am so sorry but I wouldn't do what he did as a joke, prank or to anyone I know...much less do it seriously to someone I love.

 

To answer your question, it is impossible for any healthy woman to be attracted to a man as morbid and suicidal as your husband. At least you don't have to worry about other men going after him.

[Tony T]

In my last sentence, I meant to write: At least you don't have to worry about other WOMEN going after him.

 

Also, I want to tell you I admire your coolness in the matter. Perhaps you are still numbed by shock. I am very sorry you are having to endure this. Your husband is not very thoughtful for putting the people he loves through this type of thing.

 

If you read up on suicide, you will find that underlying this sort of thing is often a lot of anger. What more violent, mean thing could you do to someone than what he did?

[.........]

Tell him as sincerely as you can that you love him.Tell him you don't care if he has money or not.Tell him he is a lot more important to you than any stupid job,or any stupid visa.Tell him that nobody is perfect,not yourself,not anybody else in the world,and so it's ok if he's not perfect either. Tell you miss him and want to see him. Tell him despite what he thinks,you don't consider him a failure and he hasn't disapointed you.Tell him why you love him, and why you married him in the first place.Then smile and tell him everything will work out just fine,give it time.

 

That's what I would do in your situation.

[Taressa]

Please do take Tony's advice and pass along his info. to people who can help watch over him.

 

The good thing is that he is giving you warning that would signal a cry for help. He's looking for hope and a reason to live. Since you're married and made the promise of "better or worse" I urge you to help him through this by being the reassuring voice of reason and guiding him to seek help.

 

For immediate help, it may help him to have a date you can visit... an anticipated date may be hope he needs right now. It may also help to assure him of the things you may still admire in him.

 

BUT

 

Do not take responsibility for his life or death into your own hands... you promised support and love, not providing the will to live.

 

AND

 

Do not let his weakness drag down your own self-esteem and peace of mind. Don't go through this alone. Gather your friends around you; it's quite an awful situation your husband has drawn you into. You will need their support.

 

I will pray for you.

[Deejette]

People who threaten to commit suicide are serious about it. He really needs professional help to understand that there is a solution to his problems. The trouble with suicidal people is that they think there is no solution to their problem and they give up, thinking it will never come to an end.

 

But he is being cruel to inflict guilt on you about it. You can do nothing to help him where you are! His suicide threats are a manipulative way to make you feel sorry for him. But feeling sorry for someone is not a very good place to be because when we feel sorry for someone, we actually give up hope that they can make their own situation better.

 

Please do take Tony's advice and pass along his info. to people who can help watch over him.

 

The good thing is that he is giving you warning that would signal a cry for help. He's looking for hope and a reason to live. Since you're married and made the promise of "better or worse" I urge you to help him through this by being the reassuring voice of reason and guiding him to seek help. For immediate help, it may help him to have a date you can visit... an anticipated date may be hope he needs right now. It may also help to assure him of the things you may still admire in him. BUT Do not take responsibility for his life or death into your own hands... you promised support and love, not providing the will to live. AND Do not let his weakness drag down your own self-esteem and peace of mind. Don't go through this alone. Gather your friends around you; it's quite an awful situation your husband has drawn you into. You will need their support. I will pray for you.

[Nic]

Meg,

 

after reading your post, i thought i would dig up a little information from various resources regarding suicide, and some of the things i have found are as follows. I would also recommend that you contact a professional where he is living, or a friend who is living near him and make them aware that he is feeling suicidal. You need to know there is someone there near him, while you are not able to be.

 

Suicide intervention is based on an approach of:

 

Affirming the person - using whatever technique you feel comfortable with to make the adolescent feel valued and worthwhile;

 

Affirming the problem - recognising the persons concerns about the problem and not denying the issue or its importance to the person;

 

Negating the solution - presenting alternatives and facilitating different perspectives with the person in such a way as to avoid lecturing or preaching.

 

The following guidelines for dealing with youth with suicidal tendencies may prove useful:

 

Believe the person - take the claims seriously;

 

Be calm and understanding - don't sound shocked by anything the person tells you;

 

Show concern, listen carefully and ask constructive questions about the way the person is thinking and feeling;

 

Suggest that the person get professional help as soon as possible. Help the person make this contact. Check that appointments are kept;

 

If the person refuses or is incapable of seeking help, immediately consult with a professional for advice on how to handle the situation. In an emergency, direct action may be necessary.

 

Show Your Understanding and Support by:

 

* Being there fully;

 

* Listening and encouraging them to talk;

 

* Acknowledging their fear, sadness or despair;

 

* Showing you are taking their concern seriously;

 

* Providing reassurance without dismissing the problem.

 

* Help the person break down their problem(s) into more manageable pieces. It is easier to deal with one problem at a time.

 

Try to Avoid:

 

* Interrupting with stories of your own;

 

* Being judgemental or moralising;

 

* Offering too much advice;

 

* Becoming angry;

 

* Panicking.

 

a very informative site i found on the net is

 

http://www.siec.ca/

 

it has links to crisis centres in Canada, the US and internationally.

 

I hope this was of some assistance to you.