poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Ok here it goes. I am 26 and my girlfriend is 24. We did the whole off and on thing for a while and then it got serious. At around the 3 year mark we decided that we shouldn't be together again but then a week later started hanging out and having sex again. It was my idea to break it off and she tried the whole time to be with me and I love the girl and had a nice couple years with her so decided we could give it another go. After we talked about why I did it I had been overly stressed out from a job I hated and that was the reason for my constant unhappiness. Problem solved. New job, new me, back to the good us. A week after this she goes to visit a friend in New York for five days. Everything was fine and I didn't expect anything. Then I was on facebook and noticed a strange guy commented on her facebook saying he had a really good time. About five minutes later, it was gone. I am pretty sure she saw it and deleted it. Red flag for me. We know each others password and I hesitantly went into her facebook the next day. There was a message from the guy saying thanks for making his bed and glad that she got some sleep. I immediately confronted her and she pulled the textbook guilt trip on me for looking through her stuff. After she decided to really talk about it, she told me that they all went out and they stayed at the girls sister's house and it was her husbands friend. She told me she stayed in his bed and he slept on the floor and that was that. From reading the guys message this could not be true..I know this girl. This is the part where I feel bad but I checked her roomates phone and found her texts from her when she was in new york. It showed a picture of him and my girlfriend saying look "how sexy...we did it for six hours and he talked dirty to me with his accent mmmmm". My heart seriously sank to my stomach. I have so many emotions going through me right now and I have no idea what to do. Please help me. I don't want to tell her I looked through her roomates phone. I did ask her if anything happened with that guy after the facebook message and she looked me in my face and said "no, I slept in his bed and he slept on the floor." HELPPPPP lol Link to post Share on other sites
Echo000 Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 You break up with her. You look her in the eyes, and tell her you know what happened and that she is lying to you. You tell her that, if you are wrong or if she wants to be honest, she knows where to find you. But otherwise you are not putting up with this. You are a man. This is when you got to show you are a man. NEVER let someone lie to you. There is no need to tell her that you looked through her roommates phone-classic female reaction will be to make the entire focus of the argument on that as opposed to the fact that you just discovered she very well may have cheated on you. If she asks anything about what makes you so certain, just say that you know. Thats it. She doesnt need to know how at this point. And as for you guys having each others fb account passwords, that is very dumb. You both are too old for that. Its called privacy--you both need to retain an element of that. My ex looked thru my phone and fb messages and it really really annoyed me. Looking back, it still makes me scratch my head and feel somewhat angry. So in the future, either date someone you can trust or dont date them at all. I am sorry though. That is hard. That sinking feeling, I get that (to a lesser degree). Probably one of the worst feelings a man or woman can experience. "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity". I have found that it is indeed during the most difficult of times that I have found the opportunity to most grow as a person. Its when things are hard that it really gets interesting. Time to step up and be a man. You can do it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 You break up with her. You look her in the eyes, and tell her you know what happened and that she is lying to you. You tell her that, if you are wrong or if she wants to be honest, she knows where to find you. But otherwise you are not putting up with this. You are a man. This is when you got to show you are a man. NEVER let someone lie to you. ^^^^ THIS ^^^^^ I'm sorry, but you are young. She is young. She has a LOT of wild oats left to sow - obviously - and is not ready for a long-term committed relationship. She cheated and now she has lied. Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way? Do you want someone who is this cavalier with her lies to raise your children? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 I really like that quote and I am going to try and remind myself of that for the next couple of weeks while I go through this. I appreciate your response and that is pretty much my plan. I just needed to hear it from someone else. She is out of the the country right now for several weeks so I can't really look her in the face though. that is another issue at hand. How do i tell her I know because I can't act like I don't know anymore. I am definitely not waiting 5 more weeks to tell her I know when she returns. I guess Ill figure it out. Time to step up and deal with. Ill be with someone honest one day hopefully. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Oh, man.... She was in New York for FIVE DAYS and she cheated. Now she is out of the country for FIVE WEEKS??? Why wait until she returns? You know she thinks she got away with something and is taking advantage of it now. I can almost guarantee she is having the time of her life on this trip and thinks she is coming home to a sure thing that she can lie to! It will be much easier if you just end it while she is away and then you will have this time apart to start healing. Waiting for her to return just drags it out for you, doesn't it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 It will be much easier if you just end it while she is away and then you will have this time apart to start healing. Waiting for her to return just drags it out for you, doesn't it? You would certainly think so. Limbo sucks. Self-imposed limbo under these circumstances not only sucks, it doesn't make any sense at all. Don't do it Pop. Don't procrastinate doing something just because it will be unpleasant. Just take care of it calmly and coolly. And quickly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 Im am definitely not waiting like I said. I just don't know how to do it. email? phone? maybe skype? I guess it doesn't really matter. In a messed up way I just want to see/hear her reaction. I guess I shouldn't be worried about anything except moving on though. So hardddddd lol. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 So hardddddd lol. If the doing it is the hardest part, than draft an email and send it. Don't do it over the phone or Skype where you will have to deal with a reaction. Take the time in writing the email. Spell everything out clearly and calmly and emphasize that you do not want to hear from her as there is no explanation she can offer that will change your decision. The sooner you start No Contact, the faster and easier your healing can begin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 I don't have any problem with snooping as long as snooping is done for closure...I.e. on the way out the door. You suspected, you snooped and now you have proof. Leave the girl. There is no repairing this relationship because there is no trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 Going with the email. You are right...it's over. End it and move on. Oh relationships. Three years gone in the blink of an eye. You live and you learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thank you guys so much for all of the useful advice. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 You live and you learn. Learn as much as you can from this, about women, about yourself, about what specifically you want in a relationship. That will make the last three years more than worthwhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Three years gone in the blink of an eye. You live and you learn. Three years are not gone. They are simply part of the process. Take what was good from the relationship and grow and expand. Learn from the bad and don't let it happen again. Many of us have gone through it. You are lucky it happened early enough and I think you will be much happier when you approach your thirties with this knowledge behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Is it necessary to tell her what you know? Why be her teacher. Why open yourself up to more drama and lies. Will you feel better as she trickle truths you and continues to play you for a mug in a breakup with still more BS. Why not just tell her you don't see her in your future, that she isn't what you want and bail. NC all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 When you write her the email tell her you are going to get tested for STD's. Tell her you don't wish to be friend with a woman who has no problem lying and cheating on her boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Yep! at this point you can even tell her how you found out because, really? Is it going to change anything? She'll blame you and you'll get the "How dare you spy on me" crap. But, it doesn't change the fact that you DID see a pic of them together, you DID see the text on how they went at it for six hours straight and you DID see that she loved his accent. Doesn't change a thing. Doesn't matter how you found out, the end result shows that she cheated on you and then lied about it. Break it off and then a strict NC. Go completely dark on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 The truth shall be your shield. Honesty always trumps BS. You looked through her roomies phone? Good for you because you knew she wasn't being honest with you and it was true. It sounds like she planned it and quite enjoyed and showed absolutely no remorse. Like the good people said, don't even wait for her to come home, Drop her now and let her stew wherever she is. You've been wronged, don't stand for any sh*t. The truth is your shield, stand on it and you have the moral high ground..she has no come back for that. It will make her infidelity hurt even more. Actions have consequences! Good luck dude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 8, 2013 Author Share Posted April 8, 2013 Is it necessary to tell her what you know? Why be her teacher. Why open yourself up to more drama and lies. Will you feel better as she trickle truths you and continues to play you for a mug in a breakup with still more BS. Why not just tell her you don't see her in your future, that she isn't what you want and bail. NC all the way. I will tell her that I don't see her in my future due to lying and cheating. Then NC. I want her to know that I know. I don't want her to do it to anyone else and hopefully this will help. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
nonameforme Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 You break up with her. You look her in the eyes, and tell her you know what happened and that she is lying to you. You tell her that, if you are wrong or if she wants to be honest, she knows where to find you. But otherwise you are not putting up with this. You are a man. This is when you got to show you are a man. NEVER let someone lie to you. I mostly agree with this post. You don't have to admit that you snooped. Just tell her that you know she is being dishonest, and she can continue lying about it, but if she doesn't admit the truth, you are done with her. The only part I disagree with this is the "you are a man" thing. I am a woman, and I don't think it matters what your gender is. No one (male or female) should tolerate deception and lies. If she doesn't want to be truthful, show her the door. There's no working around that part in my opinion. There are only two options: honesty. . . or gtfo (or maybe both). If she does fess up, then you can then consider whether or not you want to try to work things out. It's very hard (I've been there), but sometimes even good people do make mistakes, and it takes a long time to forgive. You deserve the truth, whether or not you stay together. It's the least she can do. If you let her "get away with it", she is much more likely to do it again. There must be consequences for betrayal. . . either a break-up or a spending a long and uncomfortable period of time trying to work through it all and re-establish trust again. I don't advise snooping in general, but you can't put the genie back in the bottle now. . . you know the truth and it needs to be dealt with. I am very sorry and wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I will tell her that I don't see her in my future due to lying and cheating. Then NC. I want her to know that I know. I don't want her to do it to anyone else and hopefully this will help. Look, don't say something like you don't see her in your future because that is weak and flimsy. Just break it off and thank God you didn't have children with her. Be clear with her that this is final. You guys are so young and you both need to go be single and enjoy life for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hppr Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Really not much you can do, you got had by a slut. Happens to everyone at least once. It's not an age thing either, girls that do that are the same way whether they are 19 or 29 or 49 trust me I've dated em all. Calling her up and telling her off is stupid, don't bother. If you want to cause drama get together with whichever friend of yours is the biggest blabbermouth and tell him she gave you the Clap. That's what I did and the results were hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites
hppr Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Just break it off and thank God you didn't have children with her. Yeah a friend of mine discovered that the child he thought was his really wasn't. Was pretty bad too because the ex-boyfriend of hers who fathered the kid was a homeless biker who sold crack. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 What's there to "help" with? She cheated on you, you were smart enough to recognize it & snoop and find out the truth, and now you know the truth. Man up and dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I do think he should tell her he knows. Dishonest people may never learn but hopefully the next relationship she's in she'll either think long and hard about cheating again...or she'll just be better at covering it up. But dumping her and going NC will absolutely lower her status to you in her mind, that will be a shock to her system. Link to post Share on other sites
Author poptartkev Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 I thought I would update you guys in case anyone was curious. I sent her the email explaining I knew and I couldn't be with a dishonest person blah blah about three paragraphs long. Pretty short and sweet - let her know I knew, how it made me feel, that she lied to my face and that I wouldn't stand for any of it and I deserve better. This maybe cold but I threw in a "I hope he was worth it" at the end to give a little sting to it. She called me right after reading it and apologized. I told her I was glad that she was sorry but that wasn't enough for me. I told her I am better than the way she treats me and won't stand for anyone treating me that way and then ended the conversation. I have already gotten 4 texts from her apologizing and that she is so so so so sorry.... I am going no contact and starting the healing. I really care about this girl but I never want to feel like this ever again. Here's is to the long road to recovery. Thank you guys for all the advice. I just need to not break my no contact rule. I think I am going to defriend her on facebook so that I don't look at it and torture myself. It's all about me now and not us. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
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