HELP...Custody...

[ready2moveon26]

I need help from people that have gone through situations involving children. My husband and I have been seperated for 6 months with no intentions of getting back together. We have discussed a dissolution (no fault divorce) becaue it is cheaper than a divorce. We have a 4 year old daughter together. She is MY life! In the beginning we were friends. Everything was ok, until he started seeing this girl. She is 19 and he is 27 (he'll be 28 in a few weeks). Things got hard for a while with the two of us, then he began changing even more. He started smoking weed all the time and couldn't get a job. He drinks a lot too. I went to see my lawyer about getting the ball rolling on the dissolution. That night, I called to let him know how much it would be. We agreed that we would split the cost and we decided on a visitation schedule for our daughter. Since she isn't in school yet, we agreed to I'd have her for a week and he'd have her for a week. Things went ok for a little while longer, then he got sick. He asked that I keep her until he got better, (which was perfectly fine with me) but when he was well again, she didn't want to go with him. She says, she hates it at daddy's house. He recently moved in with his mom and the girlfriend is gone. Our daughter's birthday was this past Sunday and he didn't come to her birthday party, but asked that we stop at his mom's house on the way home. I think every child should have a mom and a dad and she needs to spend time with him. He has gotten a job and it seemed like he was getting his life straightend out. I got insurance on the two of them at work, since we're still married, but I didn't tell him because he is irresponsible and doesn't pay his bills, so I didn't want to get "stuck" paying his medical bills, since I am the one carrying the insurance. Anyway, he called me today to ask me to fax a copy of her birth certificate and her social security card because he plans on going to get her and him some insurance. (Welfare) When I called him back today, I told him that the two of them have insurance. He acted like I had kept it from him for a long time (only a week) and that I was trying to sabotage his chances of getting welfare. I am not trying to do that. I am trying to live an honest life and raise my daughter the best I know how. She means the world to me and before her birthday she hadn't even seen her dad in three weeks. He doesn't call her and doesn't make any plans to have her. It is not that I don't want her, because I do...more than anything, but he is her dad and needs to take some responsibility. I talked to him tonight and asked him if he was ok. He said, why do you care?!?! I care. He is my daughter's dad. I told him that and he said, that is all we have together, and that is fine with me, but I want her life to be good and he is not helping that at all. I am wondering...is there something he can do with her birth certificate and social security card that will keep her from me? Tonight I called him back to let him know that since she is 4 now, she can go to preschool and is starting on Thursday. He didn't seem to care. Do you think he is using our daughter to get back at me? I didn't do anything wrong and am not mad at him. He has NO reason to be mad at me. What do I do?

[Merin]

He is mad at his life situation.

 

I am mad at HIM for being an idiot!

 

My Ex only see's our little people every other weekend and (suppose to see them on Thursdays) however he is suppose to have them for overnights on his weekends BUT he lives with his girlfriend and she didn't care for our kiddos being around so his mom would have them at her house for the weekends and he would go see them for a few hours.

 

THEN his girlfriend got pregnant. You might think that would inspire this girl to see that MY little people need a dad too right? Wrong! My kiddos still stay at his moms house and he goes to "visit" them for a few hours when it's his weekend.

 

There are things that YOU need to do to protect your daughter. You need to have the child visitation set up through LEGAL channels of what is expected of him regarding your daughter..... how much parenting time he will get, child support, things like that. IF or WHEN he fails to do what is court ordered of him regarding your daughter, then you need to document this because another day in court could be on the horizon.

 

You've said that your Ex drinks and uses drugs...... that in itself is very troublesome. If you feel he isn't responsible you can also petition the court for supervised visits for him only.

 

Divorce is ugly, no matter how much you try to be nice and do the right thing. Let's face it, if you were able to get along and life was all good then you wouldn't be getting divorced to begin with.

 

Drop him from your health insurance, regardless if you are married or not you're not required to supply it for him.

 

Take care of yourself and your little girl;)

[Butchey]

I agree with Merin2, protect yourself and your child.

 

You have to have documentation of his neglect for the courts. While you don't want to nail his a** to the wall I'm not sure no fault divorce is the best route either. Find a good lawyer.

 

I think you hold most of the cards.

You should have sole custody with visitation hours on your terms. He needs to provide child support even if he is on welfare. If the child is covered on your insurance policy he is still responsible for insurance. He may even have to pay your court fees and his wages can be garnished.

 

You have been the good parent and the good spouce. He needs to grow up and accept the responsibilty of bringing a child into this world. I don't think a copy of the birth certificate is a big deal. He can get it at town hall where the baby was born. Don't give him the original.

 

This may sound mean and hurtful to him, you and the child but in the long run you will be a better person for it. You can't worry about your child having a daddy. If he is not willing to step up that's his problem not yours. She will survive, because you are a good mom.

[LittleMiss]

I know a little about what your going through. My son is going to be two in November. His father has a job, but never sees him. In fact the last time that he spent time or even saw him was Super Bowl Sunday. He doesn't even try. Right now we are not even speaking. He NEVER has called to check on his son or anything. He does pay child support, but only because it's deducted from his paycheck. Before when he would call it was just for me to go over and see him. He would never bring up our son. It's sad I know. My son has no father. That's the reality of things. If you were to put his father right in front of him my son would not recognize him. I don't try to call him to come see him or anything even though I wish he would. The way I see it is that he is the one missing out on watching his son grow up. I'm going to be the one with all the memories, and when he gets older and wiser he will realize what a jerk he was. Then, though, it might just be too late.

[Stone]

when disputing Cusody in front of the court file to be the PRIMARY CUSTODIAL PARENT this means he has to pay child spport, you have most of the say in parental discisions and you still have more cusody than the father ( even though it is joint)

 

Sorry to burst your bubble but I highly doubt that every other week will work that is to much to put on a 4 year old child. there is no structure there and the child won't know where home is.

 

PRIMARY CUSTODIAL PARENT is your best deal.. Cusody battels are a long, sad, tiring, fight always do what is right for your daughter and don't let your feelings get in the way..

 

Remember you can't make him be a good father. but you can make up for it in your own parenting

 

God Bless

[ready2moveon26]

Tonight, just like I predicted, he called to ask why I did not fax that information. I didn't fax the information because I do not trust him and don't know what is up his sleeve. He ended up hanging up on me. I was mad, so I waited a little bit and called him back to tell him to grow up and tell me the truth why he wanted that information. He did say that he could get it if he REALLY needed it and he can. All he has to do is go to the county where our daughter was born and get a copy. He claims he needs it tomorrow so I may fax it in the morning. While I had him on the phone I asked him if we were getting a divorce or dissolution and he replied, "whatever is quickest" I said we could get a dissolution in 45 days and it is A LOT cheaper, the catch is that we have to agree on everything. My daughter is my only concern. I love her more than anything in the world. I told him to start thinking about what kind of visitation schedule he would want, because the weekly schedule doesn't work with her in school. (We live 2 hours apart...THANK GOD) He said he would save his half of the money and we'd get a dissolution but only if he agrees to my terms. I WILL NOT budge on this one. My daughter is my life and he doesn't care about his life.

[Stone]

I am a health insurance broker, I write policies all day long and No underwriter I am aware of asks for a Birth Certificate.

 

Do you guys all have the same last name?

[ready2moveon26]

We do have the same last name. All of us do, my husband, daughter, and I. We were a family for almost 4 years.

[Stone]

well I am not sure why he is asking for a birthcertificate. but it doesn't really matter because if he is on it he can get a copy for 7 bucks anyway.

[ready2moveon26]

My husband's birthday is next Sunday. I really think our daughter should spend some time with him on his birthday, but I am scared to let him "have" her because I'm afraid I won't get her back. I have been told that whichever parent has the child when the divorce papers are served, will get temporary custody. Do I let him have her for the night or should I just have him meet us somewhere so he can spend some time with her? What do I do about this?!?!?!

[soccorsilly]

First off, I would imagine that any welfare benefits would require proof of age and identity. Most legal things take two forms of ID--ala birth certificate and a social security card. I would suspect they will NOT take a copy or a fax. And if you had obtained insurance (I assume medical) for both of them, you should have told him. I would drop him from the policy and retain your daughter. Don't worry, a divorce will screw up your credit in any event...a few more medical bills will not do that much more damage. Besides, if you can document that you are separate (although not legally divorced) it will be easy enough to get relief from them.

 

Be VERY careful about giving those docs to him if you feel he is unstable. With those two, and since you are still married, he can obtain a passport for her and can take her out of the country. When I divorced, I made sure that I retained all of my kids' passports.

 

My ex and I share custody of our kids 50-50. There is NO child support as they are with me for one week and with her for the other. My kids adjusted fine. They have two homes and they have clothing and toys at each home, so they are not doing the suitcase deal. There is still an adjustment period (mostly for the youngest) when we swap, but that is because the rules here are different than there.

 

No matter what you do, you need to agree to keep your daughter top of mind and keep that in mind during all your negotiations--negotiate and compromise for her. You two adults will be fine.

 

And remember, now that you have a kid, you will NEVER be rid of him. Remember "till death do you part"? We NEVER listen to that too closely do we? But when your daughter turns 18 and you feel that there may be no more obligations in terms of support and she moves out on her own (or can in any event) remember that there will be graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, birthdays of grandchildren, graduations, marraiges, and great grandchildren...beyond that, I am relatively sure the death part will take it's toll!

[ready2moveon26]

Yesterday was his birthday and he kept her all night last night. His brother was home from Arizona and his brother asked if she could spend the night, he didn't. I wasn't going to let her stay because I didn't know if I'd get her back, but his family (except his mom) is great. They were supposed to bring her home tonight after I got off work, but about a half hour before I got off work, his mom called and asked if I'd come and get her. I went and got her because I wanted her back, just to make sure I got her back. I put it in God's hands. On the way home from their house last night, I asked God if I had done the right thing and I guess I did.