about holding your tongue (and your temper)

[candie13]

Bf and I are very fusional. Started dating since 3 months, but see eachother often. I like him a lot, he likes me a lot, should be fine, right? turns out he's got a strong personality and I have a strong personality. He's smart - and I'm smart.

 

But... I'm a thinker (overanalyse things a lot) - he's a relaxed guy. I'm a planner - he's spontaneous. I sort of get involved if I see my guy very often... luckily for me, he did too. But, he keeps things inside. I need some reassurance, some more explicit displays of affection.

 

Anyway, all this to say that we've sort of had three major fights. I was right (of course) in my demands, but because I was the one who was doing the aggressing, he started to close off. I feel it. I mean... it's so frustrating... I should be able to handle it better, but I care, so I seem to be unable to. And when I start talking - not even shouting - he is taking it hard and closing off. Then it sort of escalates into a fight...

 

Last time, he was so put off by the situation that he said he'd had enough and maybe we're just incompatible. I was very hurt because it's exactly what I thought the previous times when we had had our fights but he managed to make me change my mind. So I agreed and backed off. He came back a few days later. We talked - again, but I felt that he took the break up too easily - in my book, you don't just give up on your relationship just like that. It's not something you just do, because you've had enough. I made that clear.

 

From the other hand, I understand that I had so many fits, that he really and honestly did have enough. Which frustrates me like hell, because I was right to get upset.

 

The main learning is: learn to hold your temper, girls, find a smart way of telling your guys what they should do better / change / not do, because this way, you're investing in your relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that we're still together... it's just that I feel I have a frail relationship right now... and it's because of our bloody tempers (and my voiced insecurities).

 

How do you deal with your own frustrations in your relationship and do you also feel it takes its toll on your relationship?

[carhill]

How do you deal with your own frustrations in your relationship and do you also feel it takes its toll on your relationship?

 

Accept that we're different and unique and voluntarily choosing to be together from a basis of love, respect and trust, and view each conflict as a challenge we can resolve together. If one of us has a problem, the team has a problem.

 

Feeling 'upset' is valid. Get to the root of 'upset' and work it. Focus on the process of resolution versus 'venting'.

 

If both partners aren't on the same page as to team synergy, then that's how it is. In the past, I'd keep working. Now, I move on. Life is too short. Dramatic relationships hold no interest/tolerance any longer. Good luck.

[candie13]

Carhill, I am 32, he is 37. I don't have time and energy to waste on a dead end relationship that'll consume me. I've had that already.

 

He is by no means perfect. Self-centered. With quite a few emotional blockages. Stubborned. Proud. Unapologetic, when he should be. But I like him. I truly do. He's got character. He can take me. He's not overwhelmed by my personality and he can resist me. Not the way I want to, as he opposes me, instead of finding the middle way - until our last fight. Until our last fight, I truly feared we were incompatible, because couples are meant to work through their differences. I felt he wanted to believe in us too, but was a bit scared. Behind his tough appearance, he may be sensitive, that's why I want to work on myself.

 

They say relationships bring up unsolved issues that one might have. Even if it wasn't for him, I'd still want to work on that. I know why I started those fights and was so upset. Because I got involved and he did things that made me insecure. I explained that to him.

 

All this to say... it's not just a fling. I haven't dated a guy for three months over 2 years. Maybe it'll be over soon... but I want to learn to be less abrupt. Less confrontational.

 

How do guys take it, if their gf is pointing directly at things they did wrong - or should have done? Quite poorly, I bet. This guy cares enough to stick around. I don't want to screw it up. I want to learn a smart way of handling this situation, without twisting the guy's arm and making him smell his own sh*t. I know no one who likes that and it matters little who's right and who's wrong.