Being mistreated by husband

[samia12]

I'm from Pakistan married to an Irish(western guy) , we got married last Dec, at the moment I am not living with him, I'm still waiting on my visa. I met him online so before marriage I was in long distance relationship with him for more than an year, I met him once for a week in that year. After we got married, we went on honeymoon to Dubai for a week which was not a very good experience. One day he left me on the streets late at night at around 12 or 1 for some lame reason. I was with him in some mall, n this guy would never even want to spend a penny on me. I went to a perfume shop n i asked him to get me one, n again he gave me that kind of look where I felt embarrassed n the woman at the shop started laughing so i bought myself one, n when I was paying he said he would get himself a perfume too, so i paid for both. N he blamed me for everything later n left me behind on the road there were drunk men passing comments, n following me. My husband didn't even look behind to know if I was still there, I swear I thought that night something could have happened to me, I ran to my room crying feeling sorry for myself. Now it has been 4 months since I'm back to my country living with my parents and I swear it doesn't even feel like if I'm married to him. He never asks me how I'm managing here or send me money to buy some basic things for myself. He keeps telling me it's his money n i have no right on anything he owns, he says that's the western culture like I am dumb. By the way he's 31 and I'm 21 , he has a secure job n has savings as well. I don't know whom to turn to, I mean he married me, isn't is his duty to take care of me? 2 days ago he was betting n I asked him why would he waste money on betting, he started getting abusive n said " its not your money". I told him I get really hurt when he says such things, n he was like you don't accept me for who i am. How can I accept someone for being selfish? In the end he said "there are plenty more fish in the sea" I still did trust him so much but this time it has gone too far. I don't know where I'm going, how would I survive there. I finally had the courage to tell my mom the truth n she's scared to send me to his country. Would you do that to a person who would make a big sacrifice of leaving their family n everything just to be with you. Its the first time i have posted something personal online. I don't know just what to think, sick of being the victim.

[samia12]

i have posted the same question on other forum. N people have given really honest replies. I don't think any western man would do that to a woman. Didn't he know about the marriage contract. I'm glad I wasn't independant at least I got to see his real side. Anyway these are the replies I got there, but its just not too easy to divorce right after marriage.n if I have to struggle all my life, then why do people marry or fall in love when the world is so selfish.

being mistreated by husband

[samia12]

being mistreated by husband

[samia12]

Doesnt allow me to share the link

[TigerCub]

Don't go to his country if he is like that and if you can't take care of yourself because then you will end up being stuck there - think about it, what if you can't even call your mom long distance if you need her advice or if you need her to send you money or a ticket home.

 

Don't walk into a situation where you will be left at someone's mercy.

 

He's proving to be an ass.

 

I'm not saying that he needs to spend every last $ on you - but if you are a couple there needs to be compassion, respect and sharing between the 2 of you and clearly there isn't.

 

I understand that the culture you come from is based on the norm of a man providing for his wife, but it's not like that 100% in the west. Here it is expected that both parties contribute.

 

Please think long and hard before you walk into a situation where you may get trapped.

 

Things like finances, responsibilities, roles, etc. should have been discussed before marriage.

It's too late for that now, but it's not too late for you to back out of this.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

Good luck

[Toddbt12y1]

Yeah, do not go over there. He will only lead you towards trouble. Alas, the west is a different place, in-which our women do tend to work, even when pregnant(up to a certain point). Although, it is probably by choice, or is a must-have, with the economy. You are not yet ready to take care of yourself, if you ever will be. Thus, going to a guy that has proven to be a real jackass isn't going to help you...you deserve better.

 

It does hurt, and I am sorry it does. Life is complicated all over, and sometimes you meet a jackass or two in it.

[stillafool]

Believe it or not you are better off where you are which is with your parents. AthiestScholar is right men from the west do not take care of women. Women work and take care of themselves. I'm so sorry for what you have been through but you are really better off with him. Thank goodness you have no kids with this man. You need to be in school somewhere so you will be able to find a job and support yourself. It is never a good idea to depend on a man for financial support.

[TaraMaiden]

Your link works. I read the other forum's comments.....

 

Regardless of why people marry and how people work at it, you yourself are obviously not happy about your situation.

 

Stay put, refuse to go to him, and tell him it's over.

 

Then tell him to file for divorce.

 

It's simple: he cannot be abusive to you, if you are not with him.

[TigerCub]

You need to be in school somewhere so you will be able to find a job and support yourself. It is never a good idea to depend on a man for financial support.

 

Best. Advice. Ever!

[samia12]

thanks alot everyone. But I didn't mention everything here. Neither I want any man to spent all his money on me even when i have a secure job. Just because I wrote about my nationality I have noticed people have commented mostly on the cultrural difference. Every woman on earth depends on a man for at least the basic needs. I don't expect him to buy me jewellry. And how can you call someone your partner who would only stay with you when your independant so he won't have to do **** for you I fact take advantage of you. You guys think because I come from a Muslim culture I am expecting too much. I want to ask the woman here, would you stay with someone who doesn't spend a penny on you? I have been too nice to him when I wanted to buy perfume he refused to buy me one n i ended up buying one for him as well. N the day we we were going back he bought his mom one but didn't even think about me. We went to one of the most expensive restaurants in Dubai, n he said he had no cash, n he would have to go to atm to get it,like he doesn't know most restaurant accepts cards. I got the messsage n ended up paying the bill. When i was with him in shopping places I usually see western guys bringing their wives for shopping buying things for them, n it broke my heart to see other people being loved n there I was in unloved marriage. I remember when we went to the store I started picking up things and he was like "my baby is buying things for us" just telling me indirectly that I would have to pay. He went for the worst airlines, because it was a bit cheap than others, I had to come to Pakistan on my own n he was going to Ireland from there, when he was on his 2nd stop I was still waiting for my flight at the airport which is always delayed n I had to wait at the airport for 8 hours. Umm is that the western culture? I don't think any culture disrespects a woman n treats her like a slave, I know everything about western culture he was just fooling me. when women get divorced here they don't get anything, but there women do get half of a man's wealth because when its not given they take it, here woman end up helpless, n by the way we have many men like him here as well. My cousin's husband was the same, she was running to our home crying everyday being miserable, because that man would not provide for her n her daughter, n this woman was quite educated n worked all her life, she left job after marriage n that's how she was treated, now she has divorced him. I forgot to mention, my so called husband didn't take part in any wedding preparations n the reason is because he wasnt here, he didn't even send the money because you guys say its 50/50 but here everything was done by me n my family, from my wedding jewellry, dress to the wedding arrangements. Not a cent spent by him on anything. That's how understanding I n my family were towards him, when he came over we paid for his hotel rent, n everyone treated him so warmly.they took him to shopping n bought him things. I have talked to his sister about this. Her exact words were " I know he is mean and stingy" she told me though she works but she expects her husband to pay for the drink when she goes out with him, or buy her things when he's with her. I mean his sister being a western woman was wearing a diamond set on her wedding, n then he says woman don't expect the man to do anything for them. I didn't even expect him to buy me jewellry or wedding dress, I and my family paid for every single thing. But they couldn't even think that after marriage I would be treated like **** by him. I doubt any western woman would do what I and my family did, and be treated like a slave in return. Yes I do want children or just a child but not with him, no child deserves such father. He was my only serious relationship. I'm sure I'm not going to date another even in 10 years because I went through hell to be with him, n its longest time i have ever been with somebody. I just want to have a child, because I'm sick of searching for love in strangers n then being led down. N as far as its about becoming independant I could easily get a job. 2 months ago I got a call n was offered the cabin crew job I applied for, I turned it down right away. Because he was my first priority n all I could think was moving to his country to be with him. Its easy for people to say just file for divorce. But if they knew what I have been through to be with him, n my father left home for a while because he was angry ,most of my relatives were against it. If i divorce him I wouldn't want to stay here, that would be hell. I never tell people about my personal life, but just writing all this out here makes me feel a bit better, guess I'm not scared of him anymore.

Edited April 9, 2013 by samia12

[Toddbt12y1]

Man, you guys give too much hate toward western men. Hmm....judging us all for what the majority do is shameful. I could careless if my wife works or not. The extra income is nice. Actually women started working over here during WW2. Most of our men where fighting overseas; since then it has stuck.

 

Why cry on how we have women work? They wanted equality -- they got it.

 

I honor my wife. I would die for her; not abuse her. Not hurt her or expect her to take on more than she should or would want too. Now marriage rights have died. Things like virginity has lost meaning over here.

 

I may not understand how Muslims work; but I know the fake female one I was with didn't mind working, LOL.

 

Seriously, it is bad to judge us all in such a light: just as it is bad that we do likewise. But most people hate the US -- I assume this is what some mean.

 

Sorry Sam...I know this trained your post -- I just find it disgusting how others can say we all our dishonorable husbands.

 

A Guy should care for his wife. He should be kind and loving. Willing to spend on his wife as well as controlling his finances. Not abusive. Not using her. Nothing evil.

 

Last I checked; I am neither abusive nor over-expectant of any woman.

[Eggplant]

I am a little shocked by the practice of marrying somebody you don't really know. I know it happens a lot in some cultures. This post probably doesn't help you now, but I would not marry somebody before thoroughly getting to know him and seeing how he treats you and introducing him to family and friends and listening to their opinions.

 

If this man is so cold and uncaring, find the courage to bail ship and save yourself. I don't know if it's taboo in Pakistan... But you haven't had children yet, and you're very young and therefore beautiful. I cannot imagine that some man out there will not cherish you, so don't waste any more of your time on this ungrateful man. Life is too short to waste on somebody like that.

[samia12]

I am a little shocked by the practice of marrying somebody you don't really know. I know it happens a lot in some cultures. This post probably doesn't help you now, but I would not marry somebody before thoroughly getting to know him and seeing how he treats you and introducing him to family and friends and listening to their opinions.

 

If this man is so cold and uncaring, find the courage to bail ship and save yourself. I don't know if it's taboo in Pakistan... But you haven't had children yet, and you're very young and therefore beautiful. I cannot imagine that some man out there will not cherish you, so don't waste any more of your time on this ungrateful man. Life is too short to waste on somebody like that.

Thanks alot but I was in long distance relationship with him for more than an year before marrying him. He is not a Pakistani guy, he's a white guy. I met him in Dubai for a week, one night at his hotel he left me n there were all drunk men calling me n passing comments, n he went to his room. But still I forgave him. It was almost impossible for me to get a visit visa or Ireland before I married him, if i never came up with the idea of meeting him in Dubai I would have never met him in person. I thought I wouldn't know him well until I marry him n live together. I swear i feel so trapped n deceived

Edited April 9, 2013 by samia12

[Eggplant]

I swear i feel so trapped n deceived

A lot of women are deceived. It can happen to anybody. Do not beat yourself up about it. Just try to calmly figure out the best path for yourself. I hope you don't have to stay with him if he treats you poorly. What do your friends and family say? I hope they are supportive of whatever you decide.

[samia12]

I'm not scared to talk about it here n get people's opinions or talk to my family about it. Here is last conversation I had with him, if anyone doubts what I'm saying. N the things he done to me in past n in person were a nightmare. After this I blocked him but this happened many times n somehow i always end up unblocking him n forgiving him.

 

me: But you told me you don't lose your money that's why you bet Why would you do that

Francis: Can't remember saying that Well its something to do for fun

me: That's what you told me, when you used to bet on football n i was against it Wasting money isn't fun

Francis: Its not your money and its ones choice in how they spend their money free country

me: Don't give me such selfish replies, guess you believe your still single 7 yrs old talk like that,

Francis: Nothing wrong with being yourself or is this the whole thing of what you see wrong and how you would like it to be your world

And sorry your of the dissagreement of what i do here

me: I don't care what others wanna do, they aren't my family. I only am talking about you Anyway do whatever you want, that's how its going to be

Francis: Yeah i will am not gonna or let anyone change who i am

me: It really does hurt me when you say such things, "its not your money" or other such crap

Francis: Well it isnt do you work 39 hrs a week?

me: Yeah your a drinker n you bet. N you don't even know how to talk to your wife So i have no right on anything you own?

Francis: Yeah grow up

me: Would you tell me how would I survive there Your not a man Francis So cheap

Francis: No you can't tell me what i can or can't of what i like to do wether your against it i suppose you would be against me going out with my friends too would you samia

me: I should never forget what you did to me on honeymoon, because your never gonna change. Still your saying the same things you said then, I thought you were just angry but then you proved them, by doing horrible things to me

I will get myself out of this one day

Going out with friends n leaving me at home? I'm not your slave

Live the way you want. N will the way I want

End of the topic

Francis: Good am sure they'll be plenty more fish in the sea who would only love to accept me as me and i don't care if you never forgive me because your far from petfect

me: Yeah go ahead n find them

Thanks for being honest

Francis: Yeah they'll find me t

Yep and honest i am

me: So you would cheat, couldnt get more low

Just get lost

Don't show me your face again. Your a cheater your married to me n talking about finding another

**** you n this marriage. N moving to your country to be treated like **** there

I'm blocking you

You didn't know what you just said

Its time my family should know how big of a cheater you are

 

No matter what i said to him i'm not that strong really.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes you are.

You're just sad. That's what you think is your weakness.

 

Sadness isn't a weakness.

Sadness is natural.

But you ARE strong.

If you weren't strong, you'd be acting a whole lot different towards him...

 

And we'd be talking to a doormat.

 

You're no doormat, honey!!

[pcplod]

I hate to be a nit-picking western man, but could I politely request you break up your text into manageable chunks to read? Sorry!

 

Firstly, I would say that it sounds like you have simply struck out with this man that you met on-line. He sounds like a complete dud. And I don't think it would be different if he was white, brown, black, or a peculiar hue of green. It's about his personal qualities, or rather a lack of them. And those come in their fair shares in all cultures. You don't really have to look that hard to find plenty of examples. On-line, long-distance relationships have particular risks for all sorts of rather obvious practical reasons which I won't elaborate on here.

 

For better or worse, western culture has been changing over the past few generations. Once upon a time, the implicit acceptance was that a western woman was a kept woman with whatever pejoratives that implies with it. I am pretty sure that there never was perfection and happiness no matter what nostalgic types would have us believe. You only have to read some of the popular and famous fiction from female authors of that period to figure that out. Nor is it any more wonderful in Eastern cultures either, whether that be Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, CHRISTIAN (!) or whatever. Both you and I know that it wouldn't take either of us very long to find English-speaking married women from the East, married to local men, bemoaning the life that they have either been given or have opted for. Suffering the actions of other people's indifference or downright cruelty really knows no racial or cultural boundaries.

 

One personal belief that I do have is that Eastern culture will follow Western culture in that respect and there are already nascent signs of that already happening. They are very small and very slow-growing, but nevertheless they are there. And I am prepared to say that when, not if, it becomes a significant phenomenon this wee planet we all live on will be lot better for it, presuming that it survives long enough and that women don't become ersatz men in the process.

 

Education, socialisation, politicization, relative financial freedom, will all bring this about. It will probably not happen in a big way in my life-time and it maybe will still be a game of catch-up forever, much as it seems to be in the West. There is nominal equality for women in the West but it will not be complete until a lot more men just accept it as something normal.

 

As with all such modus operandi it simply has advantages and disadvantages, merits and demerits like any other means. There is no perfect system, just lots of different ones.

 

Having said that, is there any woman reading this forum who either wants to maintain any system or return to any system, where either implicitly or even explicitly, they want to be so much under the 'care' of their male partner that they are effectively his chattel? For example, would you like to live under a culture that said you cannot apply for your own passport in your own name without either your guardian's or husband's permission? If you are in any doubt, I will answer for you, the answer is emphatically "No"! and nor, as a man, would I want any part in such an arrangement because it would not only demean any woman I might live with but would also demean me as a man. Is that okay?

 

PS. Samia, Could we agree on there being a distinct different about caring for someone and caring about them? Caring for them suggests perhaps that they are dependent, helpless. Caring about them just means that you are a nice, personable, caring person, per se, who is just prepared to treat someone else as you might wish that they treat you.

 

PPS. I forgot to reference "birth control" in the list of emancipating factors above!

Edited April 9, 2013 by pcplod

[samia12]

I hate to be a nit-picking western man, but could I politely request you break up your text into manageable chunks to read? Sorry!

 

Firstly, I would say that it sounds like you have simply struck out with this man that you met on-line. He sounds like a complete dud. And I don't think it would be different if he was white, brown, black, or a peculiar hue of green. It's about his personal qualities, or rather a lack of them. And those come in their fair shares in all cultures. You don't really have to look that hard to find plenty of examples. On-line, long-distance relationships have particular risks for all sorts of rather obvious practical reasons which I won't elaborate on here.

 

For better or worse, western culture has been changing over the past few generations. Once upon a time, the implicit acceptance was that a western woman was a kept woman with whatever pejoratives that implies with it. I am pretty sure that there never was perfection and happiness no matter what nostalgic types would have us believe. You only have to read some of the popular and famous fiction from female authors of that period to figure that out. Nor is it any more wonderful in Eastern cultures either, whether that be Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, CHRISTIAN (!) or whatever. Both you and I know that it wouldn't take either of us very long to find English-speaking married women from the East, married to local men, bemoaning the life that they have either been given or have opted for. Suffering the actions of other people's indifference or downright cruelty really knows no racial or cultural boundaries.

 

One personal belief that I do have is that Eastern culture will follow Western culture in that respect and there are already nascent signs of that already happening. They are very small and very slow-growing, but nevertheless they are there. And I am prepared to say that when, not if, it becomes a significant phenomenon this wee planet we all live on will be lot better for it, presuming that it survives long enough and that women don't become ersatz men in the process.

 

Education, socialisation, politicization, relative financial freedom, will all bring this about. It will probably not happen in a big way in my life-time and it maybe will still be a game of catch-up forever, much as it seems to be in the West. There is nominal equality for women in the West but it will not be complete until a lot more men just accept it as something normal.

 

As with all such modus operandi it simply has advantages and disadvantages, merits and demerits like any other means. There is no perfect system, just lots of different ones.

 

Having said that, is there any woman reading this forum who either wants to maintain any system or return to any system, where either implicitly or even explicitly, they want to be so much under the 'care' of their male partner that they are effectively his chattel? For example, would you like to live under a culture that said you cannot apply for your own passport in your own name without either your guardian's or husband's permission? If you are in any doubt, I will answer for you, the answer is emphatically "No"! and nor, as a man, would I want any part in such an arrangement because it would not only demean any woman I might live with but would also demean me as a man. Is that okay?

 

PS. Samia, Could we agree on there being a distinct different about caring for someone and caring about them? Caring for them suggests perhaps that they are dependent, helpless. Caring about them just means that you are a nice, personable, caring person, per se, who is just prepared to treat someone else as you might wish that they treat you.

 

PPS. I forgot to reference "birth control" in the list of emancipating factors above!

 

 

 

Thanks ,no one wants to depend on anyone. The thing is love is not selfish, n you can't treat the one you love like ****. The trust has gone completely, I know he would never be there for me. And such person I'm sure doesn't deserve any woman. The incidents I told here, can't be a good experience for anyone. Thanks for your opinion anyway.

[stillafool]

Every woman on earth depends on a man for at least the basic needs.

 

I have to disagree with you on this because here in the US there are a number of women who are the sole providers for themselves as well as their children. Some women here make more money than men and chose to have children without a man because they can afford to.

 

I just want to have a child, because I'm sick of searching for love in strangers n then being led down.

 

Why on earth would you want to have a baby with a man who will not provide financial support to you? Wouldn't it be better to go to school so you don't have to be put in this situation again? Having a baby with this man will put you and the poor baby on the road to poverty. There are women here who marry for money and to be taken care of but most of those men require a prenuptual agreement so that in the case of a divorce the woman only gets a certain amount of money. Here, these women are called gold diggers and don't get much respect. There are some women who marry for love and that man just happens to be rich and willing to provide for her and his kids, however those are few and far between.

 

N as far as its about becoming independant I could easily get a job. 2 months ago I got a call n was offered the cabin crew job I applied for, I turned it down right away. Because he was my first priority n all I could think was moving to his country to be with him. Its easy for people to say just file for divorce. But if they knew what I have been through to be with him,

 

You should have taken the job for money as well as work experience. Western men treat you better when you are not dependent on them for financial reasons. You made him your first priority but yet you are not his first priority. Again, the road out is to get educated and get a good job.

[samia12]

 

I have to disagree with you on this because here in the US there are a number of women who are the sole providers for themselves as well as their children. Some women here make more money than men and chose to have children without a man because they can afford to.

 

 

 

Why on earth would you want to have a baby with a man who will not provide financial support to you? Wouldn't it be better to go to school so you don't have to be put in this situation again? Having a baby with this man will put you and the poor baby on the road to poverty. There are women here who marry for money and to be taken care of but most of those men require a prenuptual agreement so that in the case of a divorce the woman only gets a certain amount of money. Here, these women are called gold diggers and don't get much respect. There are some women who marry for love and that man just happens to be rich and willing to provide for her and his kids, however those are few and far between.

 

 

 

You should have taken the job for money as well as work experience. Western men treat you better when you are not dependent on them for financial reasons. You made him your first priority but yet you are not his first priority. Again, the road out is to get educated and get a good job.

You are right, but i'm talking about woman who are in marriage or relationship. Don't their husband support them if they wana work or not, or until you find a job. I married him because I didn't care about wealth or anything. But I didn't know he would make my life miserable.

[Cutiepie1976]

Its easy for people to say just file for divorce. But if they knew what I have been through to be with him, n my father left home for a while because he was angry ,most of my relatives were against it. If i divorce him I wouldn't want to stay here, that would be hell. I never tell people about my personal life, but just writing all this out here makes me feel a bit better, guess I'm not scared of him anymore.

The guy is a cretin. Period. No emotionally mature man (or woman) who loves his partner and is married to her would say the things he does to you or behave the way he is with you. Whether his partner is Western, Eastern, or Venusian is irrelevant. No one who loves his wife would treat her with the disrespect and blatant, callous disregard that he has continually shown you. Look at the way he abandoned you on your HONEYMOON...without any concern about your safety!

 

No doubt you sacrificed a lot, including significant goodwill with your family when you insisted on marrying him. You may think that staying home after divorce and dealing with your dad will be hell. I can assure you that following this self-centered, selfish ******* to a country where you know no one, initially have no job, and will be dependent on him as you adjust to a new country will be a type of nightmare and a level of hell you didn't imagine. Divorcing him (and I would look into an annulment in your shoes) is by far the lesser of two evils.

 

A couple of other thoughts FWIW:

• This isn't someone your family knows or vetted. I have a feeling that financially he is struggling. He seems to have had no qualms spending your money on your honeymoon, getting himself cologne and meals on your dime, but was incredibly cheap whenever it came to using his own funds, even when spent on himself (e.g. his flight choices). His refusal to spend money on you might not be entirely by choice.
  
• Second, at 21, it's hard to imagine that things could ever get worse. They can and they will when you are treated the way you have been during your honeymoon period. The two of you barely got through a short trip together. Imagine living with each other in close quarters day in and day out, while having to face the stresses and frustrations of everyday living. Look at your text exchanges when you are living separately. You are likely just delaying the inevitable. Would you prefer divorce now when you're unencumbered...or a miserable marriage with divorce after a couple of kids are in the picture, emotional abuse, and your self-esteem had been crushed? Every culture has good men and complete jerks that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You picked a jerk.
  

I understand what you went through. Some families would have disowned you. But you have to accept that you picked a losing hand. Learn to walk away with a small loss, rather than doubling down until you're destroyed because you fear people will laugh at you and your father will be very angry and disappointed with you. It CAN get worse.

[stillafool]

You are right, but i'm talking about woman who are in marriage or relationship. Don't their husband support them if they wana work or not, or until you find a job. I married him because I didn't care about wealth or anything. But I didn't know he would make my life miserable.

 

Some men do support them the best they can but nowadays with the economy the way it is both partners work to pay the bills. There are certainly more men staying home while the wife works than ever before because these men can't find jobs.

 

I don't see your husband changing his ways and you should think hard before giving him anymore of your youth.

[samia12]

The guy is a cretin. Period. No emotionally mature man (or woman) who loves his partner and is married to her would say the things he does to you or behave the way he is with you. Whether his partner is Western, Eastern, or Venusian is irrelevant. No one who loves his wife would treat her with the disrespect and blatant, callous disregard that he has continually shown you. Look at the way he abandoned you on your HONEYMOON...without any concern about your safety!

 

No doubt you sacrificed a lot, including significant goodwill with your family when you insisted on marrying him. You may think that staying home after divorce and dealing with your dad will be hell. I can assure you that following this self-centered, selfish ******* to a country where you know no one, initially have no job, and will be dependent on him as you adjust to a new country will be a type of nightmare and a level of hell you didn't imagine. Divorcing him (and I would look into an annulment in your shoes) is by far the lesser of two evils.

 

A couple of other thoughts FWIW:

• This isn't someone your family knows or vetted. I have a feeling that financially he is struggling. He seems to have had no qualms spending your money on your honeymoon, getting himself cologne and meals on your dime, but was incredibly cheap whenever it came to using his own funds, even when spent on himself (e.g. his flight choices). His refusal to spend money on you might not be entirely by choice.
  
• Second, at 21, it's hard to imagine that things could ever get worse. They can and they will when you are treated the way you have been during your honeymoon period. The two of you barely got through a short trip together. Imagine living with each other in close quarters day in and day out, while having to face the stresses and frustrations of everyday living. Look at your text exchanges when you are living separately. You are likely just delaying the inevitable. Would you prefer divorce now when you're unencumbered...or a miserable marriage with divorce after a couple of kids are in the picture, emotional abuse, and your self-esteem had been crushed? Every culture has good men and complete jerks that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You picked a jerk.
  

I understand what you went through. Some families would have disowned you. But you have to accept that you picked a losing hand. Learn to walk away with a small loss, rather than doubling down until you're destroyed because you fear people will laugh at you and your father will be very angry and disappointed with you. It CAN get worse.

 

Its the best answer I got on my post , other people have been honest and were really supportive. Thanks for making me feel better. If i never posted anything here, I'm sure I would be believing it was my fault because it always had to be. I told my brother n he's like why it took me so long to come out with the truth. And he was shocked when i told him he left me on streets n I bought him the perfume, he said I shouldn't have. Even he tells not to move to Ireland n be abused again by him, I swear there wasn't a single day in that honeymoon week when he didn't do something to hurt me, or let me down. And he is not struggling financially. He has been working in his factory since 2005, n has like above 30000 eur in his bank account, which he has saved for himself. I mean my father doesn't even have that much money, n he thinks my father is rich, the other day he was saying your father has a car business ask him to get me one, n then he pretended he was joking. Just like how he kept saying at the airport when we were waiting for our Dubai flight that was our 3rd day after the wedding n he kept saying "lets divorce" i just went quite n he was like "I'm joking" n he said this countless times about divorcing me. He put me on some pills, because I'm sure he knew he would treated me like ****, so obviously I would have to leave him one day. Those pills made me really sick , I went to the hospital n the doctor was really mad at me for taking them, but i was made to take them. I went through hell at the hospital that doctor was really cruel, n after that when I was giving my blood for test, I kept texting him, telling him I was at the hospital. He never texted me back or called, at night I called him to ask why he didn't contact me, n he was like "I just got back from work ,let me have dinner" I got so pissed off n hung up the phone, after 3 days he called me, n i asked him, why he didn't care. He started threatening to divorce me n hung up. I kept calling he didn't pick up, I called him 63 times. Called his home, his mom picked up n said he wasn't there. I called back again n begged her to give him the phone she yelled at me n said "don't call, your making alot of noise here, let me sleep" yeah these are my in laws, n my family treated him even better than they treat me. I sent his sister text , called her she didn't pick up. Next day he sent me texts saying I annoyed his mom, n said he switched of his phone n when turned on there were “60 ridiculous calls" that's his exact words.

 

At least I'm realizing it now, its never too late. I really hope God never forgives him for doing all the nasty things to me. Everyone has to pay for their sins here in this world.

Edited April 9, 2013 by samia12

[samia12]

 

Some men do support them the best they can but nowadays with the economy the way it is both partners work to pay the bills. There are certainly more men staying home while the wife works than ever before because these men can't find jobs.

 

I don't see your husband changing his ways and you should think hard before giving him anymore of your youth.

 

Man the thing is its not about who should work or who shouldn't. Doesn't my post tell you about the kind of person I have been towards him. He is an old man who had been working for like 9 years. N even when i was with him on honey moon he made a show of me n was not ready to spend a dime on me, infact I paid for taxis many times,did grocery shopping, bought him the perfume, paid for the dinner in one of the most expensive restaurants. I'm sure there must be other things which I wouldnt like to mention. I only had like 500 dollars which my father gave me night before I went to Dubai, just in case if i need it. That was not to spend. I still remember I was buying clothes for my self paying for them n he was standing there like a shameless person. I'm someone who could give up everything for my partner. If I was working n my partner had no job, I would support him, n also help him in finding job, so he can work like a real man. I mean I'm giving up everything to be with him, my home my family, the pets I love. Just for him.

 

So please don't explain to me what happens in west, its more about the situations then culture. But no I would not accept a man who only loves me when he knows I'm financially stable, I would rather live on my own. Before we got married he kept saying " bring your own money, im sure your family could give you some before you move over". And you are right he's never gonna change and I cant suffer forever.

Edited April 9, 2013 by samia12

[stillafool]

Its the best answer I got on my post , other people have been honest and were really supportive. Thanks for making me feel better. If i never posted anything here, I'm sure I would be believing it was my fault because it always had to be. I told my brother n he's like why it took me so long to come out with the truth. And he was shocked when i told him he left me on streets n I bought him the perfume, he said I shouldn't have. Even he tells not to move to Ireland n be abused again by him, I swear there wasn't a single day in that honeymoon week when he didn't do something to hurt me, or let me down. And he is not struggling financially. He has been working in his factory since 2005, n has like above 30000 eur in his bank account, which he has saved for himself. I mean my father doesn't even have that much money, n he thinks my father is rich, the other day he was saying your father has a car business ask him to get me one, n then he pretended he was joking. Just like how he kept saying at the airport when we were waiting for our Dubai flight that was our 3rd day after the wedding n he kept saying "lets divorce" i just went quite n he was like "I'm joking" n he said this countless times about divorcing me. He put me on some pills, because I'm sure he knew he would treated me like ****, so obviously I would have to leave him one day. Those pills made me really sick , I went to the hospital n the doctor was really mad at me for taking them, but i was made to take them. I went through hell at the hospital that doctor was really cruel, n after that when I was giving my blood for test, I kept texting him, telling him I was at the hospital. He never texted me back or called, at night I called him to ask why he didn't contact me, n he was like "I just got back from work ,let me have dinner" I got so pissed off n hung up the phone, after 3 days he called me, n i asked him, why he didn't care. He started threatening to divorce me n hung up. I kept calling he didn't pick up, I called him 63 times. Called his home, his mom picked up n said he wasn't there. I called back again n begged her to give him the phone she yelled at me n said "don't call, your making alot of noise here, let me sleep" yeah these are my in laws, n my family treated him even better than they treat me. I sent his sister text , called her she didn't pick up. Next day he sent me texts saying I annoyed his mom, n said he switched of his phone n when turned on there were “60 ridiculous calls" that's his exact words.

 

At least I'm realizing it now, its never too late. I really hope God never forgives him for doing all the nasty things to me. Everyone has to pay for their sins here in this world.

 

My goodness this man has really treated you like you are nothing. I sincerely hope you are through with him. Anything is better than the way he is treating you. I'm so so sorry for you and the way you are being treated.