Being mistreated by husband

[dreamingoftigers]

My goodness this man has really treated you like you are nothing. I sincerely hope you are through with him. Anything is better than the way he is treating you. I'm so so sorry for you and the way you are being treated.

 

This whole thing had NOTHING to do with being Western aside from the fact that he was probably hoping that somehow marrying someone from another culture would be "easier" if he could control her.

 

He's a total total jerk.

 

Good men do not treat their wives this way. Anywhere in the world.

 

Granted most women here support themselves and contribute into their family financially. But what he is doing is bilking you and your family for funds that he doesn't need, and telling you his funds are "his."

 

You are MARRIED. That means you SHARE, unless you've cone to a different arrangement.

 

My brother in law tried this stupid game with a 26 year old Moroccan girl a few years ago.

 

He presented himself as being this all-around great guy blah blah blah.

They got married in Spain. He had two ex-wives already and the most recent one he had two children (my niece and nephew) whom he didn't support and was a deadbeat Dad too.

 

He borrowed a ton of money off of my inlaws for mortagage and downpayments. And then did make payments so he and his ex-wife lost their home and my inlaws weren't paid back.

 

He's been living in his parent's basement for the most part since the divorce. Then he met this Moroccan girl online.

 

She had two sisters that married Americans and one that married a Swiss man.

 

So she thought it would be like that. He presented like he would get her citizenship and everything would be A-okay.

 

It wasn't. The relationship was just that - a relationship.

Compounded by the fact that he couldn't live off of her family financially, that he didn't have a home for her and that he wasn't honest about a lot of things (including the fact that he could no longer have kids).

 

He just wanted to escape with some young girl that he hoped would look at him like a hero (my guess anyhow).

 

Anyhow when after two years she finally got citizenship in Canada, she landed in the US awaiting arrival here.....staying with her sister....he dumped her saying that she "must've been cheating on him."

 

Ridiculous. What a waste of time for her.

 

There were always a series of excuses why he could never fulfill basic family duties to his kids, wives or parents.

[dreamingoftigers]

And as an older Western man marrying a twenty-one year old woman from a different nation: it should have been BASIC that he knew about your culture and was able to explain and manage your expectations about what you were getting into AND show proper respect to your family.

[samia12]

1) yes, part of the problems with divorce is infidelity from more time spent with coworkers than spouse. But the statistics show the majority of women initiate divorce, they do it after raising infants to at least school age, and their number one cited issue is feeling inequity of labor. The crap has become such a phenomena there are entire chapters dedicated to it in modern gender studies university text books.

 

2) my husband wasn't an alpha... And I was told to marry, I didn't ask to do so. Again, many western folks don't know how eastern culture works, most marriages there are arranged...

 

3) *I* kicked my ex out after ten years of marriage. It has been eight years and he STILL begs to come back.

 

4) alpha primates don't abandon their troupe, ever. They have to compete like crazy to get the status, a position always challenged but only ultimately determined by the female matriarchs who are the cohesive bond and determine which challenger shall be given sexual access. Males who f*ck and duck are betas, they aren't strong enough to ensure offspring survival.

 

5) west and east has this to do with the conversation: we have a paki woman involved with a western man. Yes, he is an ill-compassionate individual for a western man, but even if she found a different one she has to understand she had to have the financial arrangement discussion with him too BECAUSE its NOT normal anymore in western culture to care for a woman like it is in her culture. Even if she is a progressive woman for paki culture her upbringing dictates that she will in the LEAST expect up raise her children before school and that just doesn't happen often in the west. She NEEDS to know this for future reference.

 

6) I won't "pick" another man. In my struggle with western culture I accepted that I have to be completely financially independent. I solely support myself, no one helps me.

 

Thanks but even after opening up here few people are just seeing it as they wanna see it. I understand what you have been through and being cheated is the worst feeling on earth. But you knw what when he said in the end that he would cheat, it didn't hurt me as much as it would have if i was at least treated normally. But I have been a victim of emotional abuse, n being used. A man who has a job n savings was making me spend my money. Didn't spend a cent on the wedding. Is that what you call being with a western man. I have even given my cousin's example in previous post, n she was married to a Pakistani guy. To me such men are gay who uses women, n won't make any effort to make the marriage work. I will not end up with someone who is all about money n would accept me because I have my own job n money.what does that say the world is so selfish. N I spent all the money i had on honeymoon. But I won't judge all western men wrong because I have been in an abusive marriage. The incidents I told here, how I have been left on the street alone, being admitted in the hospital. Left alone as his hotel with drunk men n prostitues around me while ran to his room to save himself, this happened to me when I met him in Feb last year. Do western men use the girl's family for money? I have been through so much that I didn't even react the way any other woman would have when her man tells he would cheat, because I went through worse than that. I would love to be independent but single like yourself and many other women, who have been just used by such evil men.

[Silveron]

Samia,

 

I'm a Western man from the USA. From reading your posts I think you might be upset not just because of the 'money' issues, but the overall way that he is treating you and your fear of what he is capable of doing to you if you were to move in with him.

 

Your fear is very well justified. If he is treating you like this, then if you were to move in with him it would only get much worse. ANY decent man (does not matter from what country he is from) puts his wife and children at top priority. A decent man will not say 'This is mine, not yours'. A decent man gives without expecting anything in return. He does this to show his love and support for his children and wife.

 

Unfortunetly you really never got to 'know' this guy before marrying him. You married someone who typed words on a computer. It is VERY different from having a LDR to a relationship where you are living with the person and see them everyday. If I was in your position I would not be continuing a relationship with this guy.

 

Please don't let yourself be jaded by what has happened to you. Not all guys are like this. There are bad guys, just like their are bad women.

 

Married myself, my wife works because she wanted to goto school and do this for herself. I can also rest knowing if something were to happen to me that my wife has the ability to continue to provide for our daughter. Do I spend money on her? Most definetly. Probably alot more on her than I do myself. However money doesn't equate to love as you know.

 

You deserve to find a loving, warm, compassionate partner who loves you for who you are. This guy is not right for you. Your honeymoon should be filled with love and laughter, however that's something you couldn't get not only because the majority of your relationship was done on a keyboard, but because he is still a child himself.

[LeGenDary_Man]

@Samia,

 

Some questions for you:

 

1. Are you a Muslim or Christian? Your husband?

 

2. Also, what made you look outside the country for marriage prospects? You think that Pakistani men lack in qualities that you were searching for?

 

Firstly, I would say that it sounds like you have simply struck out with this man that you met on-line. He sounds like a complete dud. And I don't think it would be different if he was white, brown, black, or a peculiar hue of green. It's about his personal qualities, or rather a lack of them. And those come in their fair shares in all cultures. You don't really have to look that hard to find plenty of examples. On-line, long-distance relationships have particular risks for all sorts of rather obvious practical reasons which I won't elaborate on here.

The bold part is absolutely true.

 

For better or worse, western culture has been changing over the past few generations. Once upon a time, the implicit acceptance was that a western woman was a kept woman with whatever pejoratives that implies with it. I am pretty sure that there never was perfection and happiness no matter what nostalgic types would have us believe. You only have to read some of the popular and famous fiction from female authors of that period to figure that out. Nor is it any more wonderful in Eastern cultures either, whether that be Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, CHRISTIAN (!) or whatever. Both you and I know that it wouldn't take either of us very long to find English-speaking married women from the East, married to local men, bemoaning the life that they have either been given or have opted for. Suffering the actions of other people's indifference or downright cruelty really knows no racial or cultural boundaries.

Correction: some people are too selfish to be satisfied in any setting.

 

Powerful hint: Islamic way of life is very easy on women.

 

One personal belief that I do have is that Eastern culture will follow Western culture in that respect and there are already nascent signs of that already happening. They are very small and very slow-growing, but nevertheless they are there. And I am prepared to say that when, not if, it becomes a significant phenomenon this wee planet we all live on will be lot better for it, presuming that it survives long enough and that women don't become ersatz men in the process.

 

Education, socialisation, politicization, relative financial freedom, will all bring this about. It will probably not happen in a big way in my life-time and it maybe will still be a game of catch-up forever, much as it seems to be in the West. There is nominal equality for women in the West but it will not be complete until a lot more men just accept it as something normal.

I strongly disagree; regardless of incredible level of exposure of Pakistani populace to Western and Indian cultural practices through electronic mediums; I have noticed Islamic culture slowly but surely taking precedence in the country; people are turning back to Islamic practices after a period of experimentation.

 

Feminist movements have radically transformed Western cultures; the possibility of the same happening in Pakistan or a similar country is non-existent.

 

Pakistani children get to experience the world in a very different manner then lets say American children. Family values are strongly ingrained within a large segment of the Pakistani populace. I have specially noticed lot of Pakistani females shifting to Islamic practices in current times. Very recently, Pakistani government and legal setup have adopted measures for enforcing censorship practices in electronic mediums such as the Internet.

 

A Pakistani woman may prefer to work on her own accord; Islam does not restricts a female from working either. However, majority of Pakistani women give strong preference to raising and maintaining families after marriage. In many households, financial constraints may force womenfolk to seek jobs but familial responsibilities do not change concerning women. Educated Pakistani women specially can be extremely hardworking and still be caring/loyal individuals; true role-models for women around the world. Regardless of the economic pressures, the core belief behind livelihood is predominantly Islamic in Pakistan: Men are "expected" to be providers and maintainers of the women; women are "expected" to raise families and ensure stable households. Those who fail to stick to this code; find themselves at considerable risk for ending up getting divorced and stigmatized, if married.

 

WEST have been predominantly Christian prior to feminist movements; and among all the Abrahamic faiths; Christians turned out to be most confused bunch in history. Many Christians turned to Atheism with passage of time during the era of Science because it shook their core religious beliefs. This spread of Atheism also contributed to easy acceptance of "secularism" in Western countries worldwide. In contrast, the dynamics of Islamic nations are different. Islamic beliefs are not shaken by scientific endeavors and promote family-oriented culture. Same is true for Judaism.

 

Yes, enormous influx of foreigners in to small nations such as Dubai may put their Islamic heritage to jeopardy but ground realities of large Islamic nations such as Pakistan are vastly different.

 

As with all such modus operandi it simply has advantages and disadvantages, merits and demerits like any other means. There is no perfect system, just lots of different ones.

Systems can be perfected but people aren't perfect. Saudi, Malaysian and Chinese systems never fail to impress me.

 

PPS. I forgot to reference "birth control" in the list of emancipating factors above!

It is among the leading causes of spread of immorality worldwide but even this facility have failed to hinder Islamic influence within Muslim majority nations.

Edited April 10, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samia12]

I'm Muslim, he is an atheist but comes from a Christian family. And he celebrates every Christian event. That's why he preferred spending just a week with me after wedding so he could go back to celebrate Christmas.

 

He came to Pakistan n accepted Islam. He said he was doing it only to be with me but he was not going to follow it. I respected his decesion, n never pressurized him like any other Muslim person would have done. It seemed like I was too understanding, n was always the one to compromise. When we first started talking online, I told him that I would not accept a drinker n he shouldn't continue if he couldn't give it up. He promised me, he would give up if the relationship gets serious. Six months passed, I met him in person n when I came back to Pakistan n started talking online again. He was mostly drinking when he was on cam, because he knew I was in love with him now, so he took full advantage of my weakness. N he said he only told me, he would give it up because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. He drinks at least 5 cans of beer, n says thats not alot. I was giving up everything to be with him, but then whenever I told him to at least drink less he would threaten to divorce me. Then I accepted the fact he wouldnt give it up, n pretended I was okay with it. When he said he was an atheist, I thought he was just confused about religion like many people, but later he started doing evil things n the things he done in past n said "that's why I don't believe in God" he has no fear in his heart n thinks he could do any horrible thing to me. He also sometimes makes fun of god. He's just an evil person.

 

I don't have any problem with Pakistani men, there are really respectful men in my country. When i met him, I wasn't even looking. He made false promises n i started trusting him, I don't care about race or religion when it comes to finding a partner.

 

Everyone here has said that I should just stay here n later divorce him. That's the first thing that came into my head. I wish i was living in west I would have left him when he left me alone on the streets. He expected me to carry the luggage when we reached hotel. And when i asked him to get me something from the shop cos i was starving, he started yelling at me, n it got worse, he threatened to send me back home on first day of our honeymoon. N kept saying he would text my brother. The truth is I can not leave him. I come from a very strict family, n my father n few relatives tried their best to stop me from marrying him even on the wedding day. Here its even hard to marry someone of your choice. But I went against my father n married a non Muslim, who pretended he accepted islam. My family has spent alot of money on the wedding, n I know what we have been through to make it happen. Honestly when you think about it, a man came to my country, married me, spent a week with me n then left me. So that means i and my family got scammed! Now if i tell my family, my life would become a living hell. As "atheist scholar" said in our culture the woman's reputation is ruined forever, and the family has to suffer as well. And they force her to remarry immediately, that's most likely to happen with me. I know I have to suffer either way. But I know even if I move to his country, I soon would get myself out of there. I have my own money, n I could look after myself there. If he gets abusive I could always call the police.

 

Thanks for your support once again.

Edited April 11, 2013 by samia12

[LeGenDary_Man]

@samia

 

You are paying the price of your own deeds. I am sorry, if this sounds rude.

 

Allah Almighty can test a person born in a Muslim household in a different manner then those who are not.

 

You should UNDERSTAND that it not wise to marry a non-Muslim as a Muslim. That guy gave you a RED FLAG right in the beginning that he is converting only to marry you and that he will not remain a practitioner; by definition, he became a MUNAFIQ with this approach and massive punishment awaits him during the day of judgment if he continues to be a douche. Sad thing is that you were too much blinded by your "love for him."

 

I strongly advice you to not consider to move with him to Ireland and divorce him. Just because you happen to go to a WESTERN country; doesn't guarantees that you will be SAFE from exploitation and walk away and settle down again. Life in the WEST isn't easy on women. Ask any women here; lot of women in the WEST find it DIFFICULT to get to meet a suitable life partner in their lives. They have to go through several pre-marital relationships to discover the RIGHT ONE before they get to settle down. Still, their is no guarantee that the marriage will last forever; break-ups often follow and the worst thing is to raise children in this kind of environment. Children consider these activities normal and behave in similar fashion when they grow up. You want to go through this route? You may or may not get lucky.

 

You will have to divorce him one day; if not today. However, possibility remains that you may end up in a situation that you have never expected if you make the blunder to move with him to a foreign country. Their is also a chance that he may lead you astray from your religious mindset. Do not take the risk.

 

What if you move to Ireland, divorce the man, and still struggle? What if your family learns about this then you get DISOWNED by them? It will hurt even more; you will be forced to live a life without any ties to your family members.

 

Repent and take your parents in to confidence. Yes, your parents may try to marry you soon after the disclosure but you can discuss this matter with your mother first; she may help you out in this kind of situation. It is also possible that you may get to experience a better life with a new partner. But this time, start any relationship with HONESTY; you need to face expected repercussions with bravery. You made a mistake; you paid the price. This shouldn't stop you from starting your life afresh. You have no children of your own right now; you can leave and repercussions will not be as bad as you think. Yes, you may have to endure a period of resentment from your family members but they will eventually forgive you and help you move on.

 

And remember: INTERNET is not an ideal platform to find your "life partner." People typically lie and deceive in this platform. Also, Islam forbids Muslims to engage in pre-marital relationships.

 

It is time for you now to learn from your past mistakes and start making RATIONAL DECISIONS.

 

Remember: Your parents are not your enemies. Understand this.

Edited April 11, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samia12]

@samia

 

You are paying the price of your own deeds. I am sorry, if this sounds rude.

 

Allah Almighty can test a person born in a Muslim household in a different manner then those who are not.

 

You should UNDERSTAND that it not wise to marry a non-Muslim as a Muslim. That guy gave you a RED FLAG right in the beginning that he is converting only to marry you and that he will not remain a practitioner; by definition, he became a MUNAFIQ with this approach and massive punishment awaits him during the day of judgment if he continues to be a douche. Sad thing is that you were too much blinded by your "love for him."

 

I strongly advice you to not consider to move with him to Ireland and divorce him. Just because you happen to go to a WESTERN country; doesn't guarantees that you will be SAFE from exploitation and walk away and settle down again. Life in the WEST isn't easy on women. Ask any women here; lot of women in the WEST find it DIFFICULT to get to meet a suitable life partner in their lives. They have to go through several pre-marital relationships to discover the RIGHT ONE before they get to settle down. Still, their is no guarantee that the marriage will last forever; break-ups often follow and the worst thing is to raise children in this kind of environment. Children consider these activities normal and behave in similar fashion when they grow up. You want to go through this route? You may or may not get lucky.

 

You will have to divorce him one day; if not today. However, possibility remains that you may end up in a situation that you have never expected if you make the blunder to move with him to a foreign country. Their is also a chance that he may lead you astray from your religious mindset. Do not take the risk.

 

What if you move to Ireland, divorce the man, and still struggle? What if your family learns about this then you get DISOWNED by them? It will hurt even more; you will be forced to live a life without any ties to your family members.

 

Repent and take your parents in to confidence. Yes, your parents may try to marry you soon after the disclosure but you can discuss this matter with your mother first; she may help you out in this kind of situation. It is also possible that you may get to experience a better life with a new partner. But this time, start any relationship with HONESTY; you need to face expected repercussions with bravery. You made a mistake; you paid the price. This shouldn't stop you from starting your life afresh. You have no children of your own right now; you can leave and repercussions will not be as bad as you think. Yes, you may have to endure a period of resentment from your family members but they will eventually forgive you and help you move on.

 

And remember: INTERNET is not an ideal platform to find your "life partner." People typically lie and deceive in this platform. Also, Islam forbids Muslims to engage in pre-marital relationships.

 

It is time for you now to learn from your past mistakes and start making RATIONAL DECISIONS.

 

Remember: Your parents are not your enemies. Understand this.

 

That's your opinion, n what's with paying for deeds? Because I'm not racist neither extremist. I was in love n my intentions were innocent. I can't force anyone to worship god. Just one guy can't change the way i see western people there are many nice n respectful western men out there. He comes from quite uneducated background I'm sure. And I see many arranged marriages here which are a disaster. No parents are not my enemies but everyone on this earth has free will to choose a partner. And after going through this torture I'm not ready to start another relationship. My family is quite supportive thanks.

You guys are right, after going through hell because of him, this guy has no chance with me. I can't deal with the torture anymore. And I'm not moving to his country . I want to thank you all for your incredible support. It really did make me feel a lot better. Don't know why I was so embarrassed to put it up . Can't change what happened but I have got myself out of that abusive marriage.

[Cutiepie1976]

Be thankful that his true nature became apparent before you emigrated to Ireland.

 

You are a strong woman. Learn from the experience, but do not let it close you off from the possibility of real love in your life. In time that will come. I wish you all the best.

[LeGenDary_Man]

That's your opinion, n what's with paying for deeds? Because I'm not racist neither extremist. I was in love n my intentions were innocent. I can't force anyone to worship god. Just one guy can't change the way i see western people there are many nice n respectful western men out there. He comes from quite uneducated background I'm sure. And I see many arranged marriages here which are a disaster.

It is not just an opinion; it is an eye-opener. You still do not get it. You say that you witnessed many "arranged marriages" fail; I regard this as a "generalization." You tell me that what you learned from the route you adopted? Did you succeed?

 

Also, this debate is not about racism or extremism. It is about being "mature enough" to understand that how you will find a suitable partner (you fall short in this department, mind you.). It is possible that you might be infatuated with Western men. Well, I think that you need to explore this forum a bit more; you will learn that Western men generally think lot more differently then Pakistani men.

 

In West, men do not outright marry you. They want to test you first; experience you both emotionally and physically before they decide to commit. But risks are high; because chances are that they might just be using you for sex. Those "great Western men" that you might be seeking are NOT in huge quantity.

 

So are you ready to get involved in the route of pre-marital partnerships? Good luck then.

 

About the deeds part; you disobeyed your parents; you overlooked RED FLAGS offered by your husband prior to marriage; and you suffered immensely. But you still not get it.

 

Lady! You are not mature enough in your choices concerning men yet.

 

No parents are not my enemies but everyone on this earth has free will to choose a partner. And after going through this torture I'm not ready to start another relationship. My family is quite supportive thanks.

What do you think happens in the case of "arranged marriages" based setup? You are consulted and you either say YES or NO; final choice is still yours. Difference is that the guy doesn't gets to play you and you don't get hurt unlike in the WEST. Your family members have the option to "investigate" the guy and his background properly before they are willing to accept him for you.

 

You are confusing "forced marriages" with "arranged marriages." Difference is that the former is Un-Islamic and the latter is Islamic. Understand?

 

And your family is quite supportive? So what was this entire fuss about? (REPEAT: You do not blindly believe in generalizations about a society. Contrary to the popular belief, Pakistani people are more broad-minded then many may consider them to be.)

 

Though one thing I noted: Your husband really dented your self-confidence in relationships concerning men. But your are equally at fault here by going against the Cultural and Islamic norms considering your background. You just found out that life is not bed of rosses. Your family is supportive as per your own admission, so you should have confided with your family in finding you a suitable life partner. But nope! You fell for "the grass is greener in the WEST" misconception. This isn't how mature women behave.

 

You guys are right, after going through hell because of him, this guy has no chance with me. I can't deal with the torture anymore. And I'm not moving to his country . I want to thank you all for your incredible support. It really did make me feel a lot better. Don't know why I was so embarrassed to put it up . Can't change what happened but I have got myself out of that abusive marriage.

Good to know.

 

Your case offers some valuable lessons for Pakistani women:

 

1. Do not generalize. When you seek a partner, you look for a person who matches you in qualities and your family can help you by probing the background of the person for you.

 

2. Do not disobey your parents. They pack lot more experience then you would in 20s.

 

3. If you are a practicing Muslim; have faith in Allah Almighty. His words carry lot of wisdom. Focus on Do's and Don'ts concerning marriage in Holy Quran.

 

4. For a religious person; the best person to marry is another religious person.

 

You're welcome.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't know what dragged me into this corner of the forum but hot damn! what an interesting yet twisted post.

 

I think it's ridiculous what you were willing to go through for this idiot, and then furthermore compare him to the likes of "western culture" just because this guy was a major idiot. This guy sounds like a complete moron by any countries standard, I have trouble understanding why you would even consider going through all of this for a guy you just met online for six months...talk about a fantasy.

 

I am non-religions myself, so everything to me is logical, psychological and figured out through reason and "reality" instead of mystical magic...so I just plainly see you making stupid decision after stupid decision and now you have to pay the consequence for that. This guy just sounds like a bad person...period, and then you'd consider moving across the world to be with him..what? thinking it would get better? I swear they need to teach competency and relationship knowledge to kids in school.

 

Don't even reconsider for a second....because he will apologize and try to get you back, because he's already walked all over you up and down, the guy is obviously a coward and hopefully never has any kind of power or purpose on this planet...especially to raise a child.

 

Cut your losses and rebuild your life, it's unfortunate that you'll have to get married but that's apart of your culture, you wouldn't have to do that in the west. There are also plenty of men who support their wives and still treat them respectfully, in fact there are still a lot of expectations placed on men...if not moreso because as women are getting jobs and more educated it's becoming more of a challenge for men to top their woman's salary, and yet they're supposed to be manly and the bread winner at the same time or they feel like the woman in the relationship.

 

The majority of western women still swoon over the fact that a man wines and dines them, and since everyone is competing with each other at least in the big cities you've got to compete with other men and their grand gestures of "love" , so don't think it's easy over here just because there is equality, in some ways it is and other ways it's not, in some ways it's better for men and other ways it's not because men are now struggling with their identity and there is no obedience and being take care of by the wife here in turn, a woman can basically take your money and your kids from you...even if you're the better parent and she has you by the balls. Men can get raped here by women financially, and the women could have done nothing to help that man earn what he had, and she pretty much gets the kids automatically, he has to pay child support and alimony...I feel sorry for the poor bastards, I've seen these men before, they look like shattered souls, there's a glaze in their eyes and a zombie like nature to their demeanor.

 

The bottom line here though, is this guy doesn't treat like you a respectable human being...period. He treats you like a leech, someone who is there to take when all your family and you have done is been there for him and supportive. This guy is so selfish and has so many issues he won't let a dime slip from his hand because he's too worried someone will take advantage of him. He's a weak man with a weak sense of integrity or pride, regardless of culture/beliefs etc.

 

This should be a no-brainer and the fact that you come from a culture which values things on such a different level and it can impact you so greatly, it's a shame you threw it all away on such a pathetic, self-loathing human being...but you're young enough to start over and put this behind you, it'll be a loss for you and your family but you've definitely got more to lose and more damage to be inflicted on you emotionally, psychologically and mentally than you could gain going there. The only perk that there would be is you might be able to divorce him and survive somehow there on your own, but that's a big IF and honestly you'll lose a lot of yourself in the process to achieve that....and that's if you do and you sound like someone at least for now would be better suited for someone like-minded because you do seem to have these expectations of what marriage should be like and in western culture the rules are very loose and there is a lot of freedom of choice in what you want to do and how you want to live your life. You simply find someone who shares your values here, even there from your own morality and beliefs than culture and religion. At least in the United States/California, you'll get the conservatives in parts of the country though and I'm sure Ireland is quite conservative itself to some degree.

 

But don't insult western men or any other men for that matter by comparing anyone to this douchebag.

[samia12]

It is not just an opinion; it is an eye-opener. You still do not get it. You say that you witnessed many "arranged marriages" fail; I regard this as a "generalization." You tell me that what you learned from the route you adopted? Did you succeed?

 

Also, this debate is not about racism or extremism. It is about being "mature enough" to understand that how you will find a suitable partner (you fall short in this department, mind you.). It is possible that you might be infatuated with Western men. Well, I think that you need to explore this forum a bit more; you will learn that Western men generally think lot more differently then Pakistani men.

 

In West, men do not outright marry you. They want to test you first; experience you both emotionally and physically before they decide to commit. But risks are high; because chances are that they might just be using you for sex. Those "great Western men" that you might be seeking are NOT in huge quantity.

 

So are you ready to get involved in the route of pre-marital partnerships? Good luck then.

 

About the deeds part; you disobeyed your parents; you overlooked RED FLAGS offered by your husband prior to marriage; and you suffered immensely. But you still not get it.

 

Lady! You are not mature enough in your choices concerning men yet.

 

 

What do you think happens in the case of "arranged marriages" based setup? You are consulted and you either say YES or NO; final choice is still yours. Difference is that the guy doesn't gets to play you and you don't get hurt unlike in the WEST. Your family members have the option to "investigate" the guy and his background properly before they are willing to accept him for you.

 

You are confusing "forced marriages" with "arranged marriages." Difference is that the former is Un-Islamic and the latter is Islamic. Understand?

 

And your family is quite supportive? So what is the fuss here? Tell them about your horrible experience and divorce your husband.

 

Though one thing I noted: Your husband really dented your self-confidence in relationships concerning men. But your are equally at fault here by going against the Cultural and Islamic norms considering your background. You just found out that life is not bed of rosses. Your family is supportive as per your own admission, so you should have confided with your family in finding you a suitable life partner. But nope! You acted on the basis of impulse and fear. This isn't how mature women behave.

 

 

Good to know.

 

Your case offers some valuable lessons:

 

1. Do not generalize. When you seek a partner, you look for a person who matches you in qualities and your family can help you by probing the background of the person for you.

 

2. Do not disobey your parents. They pack lot more experience then you would in 20s.

 

3. If you are a practicing Muslim; have faith in Allah Almighty. His words carry lot of wisdom. Focus on Do's and Don'ts concerning marriage in Holy Quran.

 

4. For a religious person; the best person to marry is another religious person.

 

You're welcome.

 

I didn't put up a question here to get a lecture from some extremist person sorry but your only trying to see the whole situation from religious point of view. A woman who went through hell because of a man, is getting lectures only because I converted him before marrying. I'm not talking about force marriages I'm talking about arranged marriages n most of the times partners are cheating on each other. N i also mentioned my cousin,s example here she had an arranged marriage, nshe agreed to marry the guy she went through hell, there are many other examples I see here everyday which I wouldn't mention. The truth is no one knows the future, you just trust a person n try your best to make your marriage work. I do respect n love my parents, thanks. And in the end my father agreed, I didn't run away to marry him. N my mother supported me since the time i told her about it. I didn't force him to follow the religion because I wanted to give him time, n slowly he could know what's right or wrong. At least I converted someone, which is a big thing. Many Muslim men here drink, but that's okay I guess cos they are Muslims. My husband does not represent western culture, there are men like him everywhere. Just because I'm not hating on western men doesn't mean I would end up marrying one. My family is quite supportive of my decision, n i told them I wanna live on my own for a while. I might end up with a Muslim man who knows.

Your asking me to divorce him right now. Well it takes time, but at least I'm not with him anymore. Instead of trying to see the torture a women went through all your talking about is religions and cultures here. And I'm sure you advice me to divorce him not because he abused n mistreated me, but only because he's was a non Muslim. Thanks but I don't need your advice :-)

[LeGenDary_Man]

In case of OP (Samia), following issues come to light:

 

1. Immaturity on her part.

 

2. Most of her fears are self-imagined and a product of communication gap between her and her family members. You didn't even properly knew her family members.

 

3. From her recent disclosure, it seems that her family members are helping her cope with the mistakes she made. She has a wonderful family, it seems.

 

4. She needs to learn a lot about differences between "relationship dynamics" in the WEST (in general) and in Pakistan. The "grass is greener on the other side" mentality is a premature one.

[samia12]

In case of OP (Samia), following issues come to light:

 

1. Immaturity on her part.

 

2. Most of her fears are self-imagined and a product of communication gap between her and her family members. You didn't even properly knew her family members.

 

3. From her recent disclosure, it seems that her family members are helping her cope with the mistakes she made. She has a wonderful family, it seems.

 

4. She needs to learn a lot about differences between "relationship dynamics" in the WEST (in general) and in Pakistan. The "grass is greener on the other side" mentality is a premature one.

 

Yeah thanks my family isn't narrow minded. N I know what I'm doing with my life. Because I didn't agree with you that's why your calling me immature?I have left that man, what else you want me to do, jump into marriage again? I'm not ready to hear such useless things from a random person. I have made my decision so no point telling me what do. I respect your opinions n thanks for taking time to write here.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I didn't put up a question here to get a lecture from some extremist person sorry but your only trying to see the whole situation from religious point of view.

Extremist person? Sorry, Samia! you certainly are a lot in to generalizations. You will be surprised by my personal profile if you ever get to know it. Difference is that you do not understand your own culture, parents and you are a confused person. I am sorry, if truth hurts.

 

I am willing to bet that you are not a practicing Muslim either. Maybe you do not notice wisdom in my words at your current age; but your perceptions will be immensely difference when you will nearing 30.

 

A woman who went through hell because of a man, is getting lectures only because I converted him before marrying.

No! I criticized your route. Hello? Learn a lesson from your mistake. You fell for the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. It isn't.

 

I'm not talking about force marriages I'm talking about arranged marriages n most of the times partners are cheating on each other.

Then these people aren't practicing Muslims either; they are hypocrites. Maybe, they were boyfriends and girlfriends (with other people) but decided to marry as per wishes of their parents. You just don't know enough.

 

N i also mentioned my cousin,s example here she had an arranged marriage, nshe agreed to marry the guy she went through hell, there are many other examples I see here everyday which I wouldn't mention. The truth is no one knows the future, you just trust a person n try your best to make your marriage work.

Yes, issues happen. This is why the concept of divorce exists. But to loose faith on a setup (which prevents exploitation of women prior to wedding) based on some bad examples is asinine.

 

In case of my extended family, I have noticed majority of "arranged marriages" working just fine. Thing is that marriage is HARD WORK. It works based on the realization that the person you married is NOT PERFECT and that you compromise on certain aspects. Though, yes, your "significant other" also needs to show decent level of commitment, if not equal. Sometimes, women make the marriage work through their own efforts. Their are lot of gray shades to be noticed; nothing is black and white in case of marriages.

 

I do respect n love my parents, thanks. And in the end my father agreed, I didn't run away to marry him. N my mother supported me since the time i told her about it. I didn't force him to follow the religion because I wanted to give him time, n slowly he could know what's right or wrong. At least I converted someone, which is a big thing.

You are contradicting yourself; in one of your earlier posts, you stated that your family wasn't comfortable with your decision and your parents attempted to stop you even during your wedding day.

 

Samia! Learn to brace the truth. You made a terrible choice; we get it that you are a human. People make mistakes.

 

And I really laugh at your thinking that you converted someone. Here is the mirror: you didn't. That guy is a perfect example of Munafiq, as per your own disclosure in one of your previous posts. He converted only to get you in bed with him; he proved to be a douche afterwards. He wasn't/isn't in to Islam. Heck, he didn't prove to be a decent husband either.

 

Many Muslim men here drink, but that's okay I guess cos they are Muslims.

These men are committing sin. And no! This is not OK.

 

By the way; many don't drink in Pakistan. You are just focusing on the wrong bunch of people.

 

My husband does not represent western culture, there are men like him everywhere. Just because I'm not hating on western men doesn't mean I would end up marrying one. My family is quite supportive of my decision, n i told them I wanna live on my own for a while. I might end up with a Muslim man who knows.

I am not saying this. However, you have MUCH TO LEARN about relationship dynamics in the WEST.

 

In West, men do not outright marry you. They want to test you first; experience you both emotionally and physically before they decide to commit. But risks are high; because chances are that they might just be using you for sex. Those "great Western men" that you might be seeking are NOT in huge quantity.

 

Even a good Western man will not outright marry you. He will date you first and during this process, he will try to experience you both emotionally and physically and then decide.

 

And even if a good Western man decides to marry you without having pre-marital sex with you; he is not likely to convert in true sense. He will convert only to have sexual relationship with you. And who knows! He may or may not stick around during marriage. This relationship is still a gamble and a risky one from Islamic perspective. Point is that relationship dynamics in the WEST are primarily sex-crazed and driven.

 

Your asking me to divorce him right now. Well it takes time, but at least I'm not with him anymore. Instead of trying to see the torture a women went through all your talking about is religions and cultures here. And I'm sure you advice me to divorce him not because he abused n mistreated me, but only because he's was a non Muslim. Thanks but I don't need your advice :-)

Sorry women! If that guy treated you well, I wouldn't have bothered to have offered you an advice. And you wouldn't have been seeking advice in online communities in the first place.

 

I (now) don't feel sorry for you! Yes. And why is this? Because of your "attitude problems." Your anger should be directed towards your husband who mistreated you; not me.

 

NOTE: As a practicing Muslim myself, I tend to advice "other Muslims" from both religious and experience based perspectives.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[LeGenDary_Man]

Yeah thanks my family isn't narrow minded.

Your family isn't exclusive in this regard.

 

N I know what I'm doing with my life. Because I didn't agree with you that's why your calling me immature?

Reality check: People judge you; you judge people. (And God judges all from religious perspective.)

 

Immaturity is a phase that almost everybody goes through. People aren't born wise. They learn through experience.

 

The route which you adopted to find a suitable life partner is an immature one. In addition, your lack for foresight is another sign of immaturity. Also, you start arguing with those who show you the mirror; one more sign of immaturity.

 

I have left that man, what else you want me to do, jump into marriage again? I'm not ready to hear such useless things from a random person. I have made my decision so no point telling me what do. I respect your opinions n thanks for taking time to write here.

I am not telling you to re-marry soon again. Where did you get this idea from? I am trying to educate you about Pakistani culture and Islamic concepts concerning relationships. But I get it that you do not get the math. Good luck.

 

Here is an advice: take a break from the online communities. And do some self-introspection.

[samia12]

I don't know what dragged me into this corner of the forum but hot damn! what an interesting yet twisted post.

 

I think it's ridiculous what you were willing to go through for this idiot, and then furthermore compare him to the likes of "western culture" just because this guy was a major idiot. This guy sounds like a complete moron by any countries standard, I have trouble understanding why you would even consider going through all of this for a guy you just met online for six months...talk about a fantasy.

 

I am non-religions myself, so everything to me is logical, psychological and figured out through reason and "reality" instead of mystical magic...so I just plainly see you making stupid decision after stupid decision and now you have to pay the consequence for that. This guy just sounds like a bad person...period, and then you'd consider moving across the world to be with him..what? thinking it would get better? I swear they need to teach competency and relationship knowledge to kids in school.

 

Don't even reconsider for a second....because he will apologize and try to get you back, because he's already walked all over you up and down, the guy is obviously a coward and hopefully never has any kind of power or purpose on this planet...especially to raise a child.

 

Cut your losses and rebuild your life, it's unfortunate that you'll have to get married but that's apart of your culture, you wouldn't have to do that in the west. There are also plenty of men who support their wives and still treat them respectfully, in fact there are still a lot of expectations placed on men...if not moreso because as women are getting jobs and more educated it's becoming more of a challenge for men to top their woman's salary, and yet they're supposed to be manly and the bread winner at the same time or they feel like the woman in the relationship.

 

The majority of western women still swoon over the fact that a man wines and dines them, and since everyone is competing with each other at least in the big cities you've got to compete with other men and their grand gestures of "love" , so don't think it's easy over here just because there is equality, in some ways it is and other ways it's not, in some ways it's better for men and other ways it's not because men are now struggling with their identity and there is no obedience and being take care of by the wife here in turn, a woman can basically take your money and your kids from you...even if you're the better parent and she has you by the balls. Men can get raped here by women financially, and the women could have done nothing to help that man earn what he had, and she pretty much gets the kids automatically, he has to pay child support and alimony...I feel sorry for the poor bastards, I've seen these men before, they look like shattered souls, there's a glaze in their eyes and a zombie like nature to their demeanor.

 

The bottom line here though, is this guy doesn't treat like you a respectable human being...period. He treats you like a leech, someone who is there to take when all your family and you have done is been there for him and supportive. This guy is so selfish and has so many issues he won't let a dime slip from his hand because he's too worried someone will take advantage of him. He's a weak man with a weak sense of integrity or pride, regardless of culture/beliefs etc.

 

This should be a no-brainer and the fact that you come from a culture which values things on such a different level and it can impact you so greatly, it's a shame you threw it all away on such a pathetic, self-loathing human being...but you're young enough to start over and put this behind you, it'll be a loss for you and your family but you've definitely got more to lose and more damage to be inflicted on you emotionally, psychologically and mentally than you could gain going there. The only perk that there would be is you might be able to divorce him and survive somehow there on your own, but that's a big IF and honestly you'll lose a lot of yourself in the process to achieve that....and that's if you do and you sound like someone at least for now would be better suited for someone like-minded because you do seem to have these expectations of what marriage should be like and in western culture the rules are very loose and there is a lot of freedom of choice in what you want to do and how you want to live your life. You simply find someone who shares your values here, even there from your own morality and beliefs than culture and religion. At least in the United States/California, you'll get the conservatives in parts of the country though and I'm sure Ireland is quite conservative itself to some degree.

 

But don't insult western men or any other men for that matter by comparing anyone to this douchebag.

 

Thanks, just reading this made me feel so much better. Oh but i was in long distance relationship with him for more than an year. Now its been an year n 7 months. You are right this online dating isn't right for anyone, at least it isn't something for me. N it was the first time i did something of this sort. I wasn't even interested in this guy when i met him, I would avoid him n then would make excuses I was busy n stuff but seems like it was his plan to get me. He would send me pictures of his family in the begining n was always on web cam. I still remember when he wanted me to voice with him I was so uncomfortable since i never done any such thing before. N now once he got me n after marriage even when I asked him to get on cam he would say he had other things to do. I dont know if he has some psychological disorder or is just a mean person. But when he left me on the streets n when he came into the room, I was crying before that n i pretended I was okay when he was there, n I apologized for nothing, n he gave me this reply "your too good looking for me" n then it just got so worse I gave him the ring back, n threw the little money he spent on ke on his face. But as you said he would try to do anything to get me back n that's what he did then.

I have mentioned in all my posts that I don't judge all western man from the experience I had with him. I was just too scared to tell my family, just how I was scared to tell my father about this guy n that I wanted to marry him, he never wanted me to but he did all the wedding arrangements, so I believed he was happy with it. But only on wedding day I found he wasn't but he didn't stop me either, though my mom n brothers supported me alot. I guess because I never told them about his real side.

I know my culture, n my plan is to move to some other country very soon.

Edited April 14, 2013 by samia12

[LeGenDary_Man]

I understand from your perspective you see "immaturity", but where she lives long term dating isn't much of an option. Pakistan has mostly arranged marriages done by families. In the more urban areas (which I'm sure the OP must be from because she is willing to work, is multi langual, educated and has progressive parents) dating is STILL seen as an abnormality. Her talking with this man for a year is actually seen as a LONG time to get to know each other over there...

Relationship dynamics in Pakistan are immensely different from the same in Western societies in general.

 

OP pulled off some kind of hybrid relationship dynamic and the experiment backfired.

 

To be honest, I would never trust a person fully on "chatting history" alone. Any mature person knows the potential risks involved in this kind of route. LDR are even more risky ventures.

 

In case of OP, she isn't a great decision-maker (herself) at her current age. Therefore, it is better for her if she involves her parents in decisions concerning her relationships with men. At least, her parents pack lot more experience then her and are themselves happily married. So they can be good advisors.

 

Even from Islamic perspective, OP's experimentation is misplaced. Though it is possible that she doesn't likes to perceive Do's and Don'ts in her own relationships from the Islamic angle. This is what I found out from her responses to me.

 

At the end of the day; OP should take all kinds of advices seriously instead of harshly judging a potential poster. In this manner, if she takes a break from the online communities, she can do better self-introspection (should she decide to do so).

 

Here is a glimpse of what typically works best in Pakistan: Parents (if wise) raise their daughters in Islamic way; shaping them in to educated but God-fearing (modest) individuals who trust their parents. And when these parents decide to marry their daughters, they do the HARD WORK for finding the "right man" for her. Yes, they do grant their daughters a say in their choice for men. Yes, deep down, the whole dynamic is lot more complex and I might spent a day explaining it fully but I don't have that much free time.

 

Yes, sometimes good people end up in bad marriages. But then it all boils down to FAITH aspect. In Islam, people put faith in Allah Almighty and expect to experience a good life with his blessings.

 

Then their is this "role" angle in the relationship. In Islam; a man is expected to be provider and maintainer of the wife. And a woman is expected to be modest and obedient wife. I bet that you know this.

 

In the WEST; men may have different expectations from women. They expect their wives to be independent and equally contributing in nearly all aspects of relationships; finances; child-rearing; and vice versa. They may expect wives to not give them the "needy" vibe. So a typical "GOOD MAN" in the WEST may not be compatible with a wife with Islamic mindset.

 

Anyways, objective of any poster in this thread is to help OP. Some are blunt (like me) and some are philosophical. The blunt ones are good at showing the mirrors; the philosophical ones are good for making others feel good.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samia12]

Relationship dynamics in Pakistan are immensely different from the same in Western societies in general.

 

OP pulled off some kind of hybrid relationship dynamic and the experiment backfired.

 

To be honest, I would never trust a person fully on "chatting history" alone. Any mature person knows the potential risks involved in this kind of route. LDR are even more risky ventures.

 

In case of OP, she isn't a great decision-maker (herself) at her current age. Therefore, it is better for her if she involves her parents in decisions concerning her relationships with men. At least, her parents pack lot more experience then her and are themselves happily married. So they can be good advisors.

 

Even from Islamic perspective, OP's experimentation is misplaced. Though it is possible that she doesn't likes to perceive Do's and Don'ts in her own relationships from the Islamic angle. This is what I found out from her responses to me.

 

At the end of the day; OP should take all kinds of advices seriously instead of harshly judging a potential poster. In this manner, if she takes a break from the online communities, she can do better self-introspection (should she decide to do so).

 

Here is a glimpse of what typically works best in Pakistan: Parents (if wise) raise their daughters in Islamic way; shaping them in to educated but God-fearing (modest) individuals who trust their parents. And when these parents decide to marry their daughters, they do the HARD WORK for finding the "right man" for her. Yes, they do grant their daughters a say in their choice for men. Yes, deep down, the whole dynamic is lot more complex and I might spent a day explaining it fully but I don't have that much free time.

 

Yes, sometimes good people end up in bad marriages. But then it all boils down to FAITH aspect. In Islam, people put faith in Allah Almighty and expect to experience a good life with his blessings.

 

Then their is this "role" angle in the relationship. In Islam; a man is expected to be provider and maintainer of the wife. And a woman is expected to be modest and obedient wife. I bet that you know this.

 

In the WEST; men may have different expectations from women. They expect their wives to be independent and equally contributing in nearly all aspects of relationships; finances; child-rearing; and vice versa. They may expect wives to not give them the "needy" vibe. So a typical "GOOD MAN" in the WEST may not be compatible with a wife with Islamic mindset.

 

Anyways, objective of any poster in this thread is to help OP. Some are blunt (like me) and some are philosophical. The blunt ones are good at showing the mirrors; the philosophical ones are good for making others feel good.

No one tried to make me feel better, they are all honest. Secondly what would have made me feel better was if there was a chance in this marriage. But here everyone has adviced me to leave the man. But here your just trying to impose your views on others. N by the way if I never posted a question here I would have never known what I was doing to myself. After divorce or marriage parents lose the rights over their children decesions, in every way whether it religious. Yes I'm not too religious but I respect all the religions. I know I made a mistake by marrying a wrong person, but you dont have to keep repeating the same thing.

And I have thanked you already for your advices, I'm in a mess already so stop this blaming thing you started by posting on my thread. Because I'm not even going to reply to that. N you know too well about my parents, whether they are happy or not lol. Your judging people because you have this thing against choosing a partner. Anyway stop attacking me, because I didn't hurt anyone, n was taken advantage of. Now I have made my decision so I guess you don't have to give me your advices .

[LeGenDary_Man]

No one tried to make me feel better, they are all honest. Secondly what would have made me feel better was if there was a chance in this marriage. But here everyone has adviced me to leave the man. But here your just trying to impose your views on others. N by the way if I never posted a question here I would have never known what I was doing to myself. After divorce or marriage parents lose the rights over their children decesions, in every way whether it religious. Yes I'm not too religious but I respect all the religions. I know I made a mistake by marrying a wrong person, but you dont have to keep repeating the same thing.

And I have thanked you already for your advices, I'm in a mess already so stop this blaming thing you started by posting on my thread. Because I'm not even going to reply to that. N you know too well about my parents, whether they are happy or not lol. Your judging people because you have this thing against choosing a partner. Anyway stop attacking me, because I didn't hurt anyone, n was taken advantage of. Now I have made my decision so I guess you don't have to give me your advices .

I fully understand that you are hurt and that you are angry. In your situation, any "sane" person would be.

 

Though I strongly believe in self-introspection aspect; the "Where did I go wrong" based approach. The benefit of this approach is that you get to notice your own shortcomings and you then attempt to address them.

 

Your responses give the "what is wrong with him" vibe; mostly. It is pure finger-pointing (NOTE: I am not defending your douche husband here). Yes, you seem to be honest in your disclosures here to a certain degree which is a good thing. But it is important for you understand that you are not perfect either; that you made foolish decisions. That you also deserve some level of wake-up call. I believe that you have got a serious wake-up call from your personal experience but their is still a lot that you need to learn/will learn (NOTE: Life is not bed of rosses). I still don't get your plan part though; you pointed out that you wish to spent some time away from your family in a foreign country. What do you mean by this? That you plan to settle in a different country or that you want to experience your life on your own? Well, whatever decision, you make, I hope it turns out good for you.

 

However, for me (as a Muslim), I decided to lecture you about Islamic approach to relationships. This is my duty as a practicing Muslim, if you still do not get it. Their is no "imposing" factor here; I am not holding you at gun point to agree with my POV. It is up to you in the end.

 

When you will approach my age level, your outlook of life will be very different from your current outlook. Of-course, this also depends upon what kind of self-identity you manage to develop. After years of "identity searching" process, I finally managed to develop Islamic oriented self-identity.

 

You admitted that you are not much in to Islam so I am not surprised by the route you took.

 

As far as the "happily married" is concerned; please understand that it doesn't translates in to "you live happily every after" Hollywood fantasies. As I pointed out before, marriage is HARD WORK; it implies sticking with each other through thick and thin (In some cases; one particular spouse puts more effort to keep the marriage working). No marriage is without its share of "rough phases"; both spouses have to compromise with each other at certain aspects to make things work in ideal manner but this is not always the case. It is a very hard journey but it is well worth it for some. The phrase "happily married" refers to a SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE in realistic sense. Every marriage has its share of Ups and Downs and vice versa; but the spouses manage to commit to each other no matter what. Maybe, "successful marriage" is more appropriate terminology and "happily married" is a metaphor in a realistic sense. Their are numerous examples here in which individuals thought that they had perfect marriage until they learned the hard way that their spouses drifted away from them and broke the wows and/or marriage itself! Yes, wake-up call had been shocking for these individuals. So those people who manage to maintain marriages (like many in Pakistan); are "happily married" in my books.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Els]

I feel that based on the sort of marriage you desire, it would be a much better bet for you to marry a Pakistani or someone from thereabouts than to go overseas and marry a Westerner.

 

Are you able to divorce this man? Or is it the visa that you desire (no shame in that)?

[samia12]

I feel that based on the sort of marriage you desire, it would be a much better bet for you to marry a Pakistani or someone from thereabouts than to go overseas and marry a Westerner.

 

Are you able to divorce this man? Or is it the visa that you desire (no shame in that)?

I don't understand, I guess most people here dont understand how hard it was for me to commit myself to a long distance relationship for more than an year, n how difficult it was to convince my father n few relatives. And no one wants to marry twice in life, it was my biggest fear that's why I stayed with this guy no matter what he was doing with me. I hope I could divorce him soon, n close this chapter forever. I applied for my visa n would like to cancel the process so I could get my passport back soon. I'm moving to some other country since i have no choice, n there's no point staying in Pakistan now n face insults. I can't really do anything with my life here after divorce, I have discussed it with my family n they think its the best thing I coud at least do for now. Because I don't trust my soon to be ex husband anymore n he could do anything to me there n his family would also support him. I was still with him to save the marriage but I know someday I would have to divorce him if not today.

[Els]

I don't understand, I guess most people here dont understand how hard it was for me to commit myself to a long distance relationship for more than an year,

 

Oh, trust me, I do understand this.

 

n how difficult it was to convince my father n few relatives. And no one wants to marry twice in life, it was my biggest fear that's why I stayed with this guy no matter what he was doing with me. I hope I could divorce him soon, n close this chapter forever. I applied for my visa n would like to cancel the process so I could get my passport back soon. I'm moving to some other country since i have no choice, n there's no point staying in Pakistan now n face insults. I can't really do anything with my life here after divorce, I have discussed it with my family n they think its the best thing I coud at least do for now. Because I don't trust my soon to be ex husband anymore n he could do anything to me there n his family would also support him. I was still with him to save the marriage but I know someday I would have to divorce him if not today.

 

You said you were in a LDR with him for over a year. During that time, did you not have the opportunity to spend significant time IRL with him to see how he was like in person? I understand Pakistani culture does not encourage dating, but I'm pretty sure it does not encourage LDRs with Western men either. If you were strong enough to break one of the cultural norms, why not the other?

[samia12]

Oh, trust me, I do understand this.

 

 

 

You said you were in a LDR with him for over a year. During that time, did you not have the opportunity to spend significant time IRL with him to see how he was like in person? I understand Pakistani culture does not encourage dating, but I'm pretty sure it does not encourage LDRs with Western men either. If you were strong enough to break one of the cultural norms, why not the other?

 

I mentioned in my earlier posts, I knew I couldn't meet him in Pakistan cos its quite strict, n it was almost impossible to get a visit visa for Ireland which would have took at least 3 months. So I made a plan to meet him in Dubai for a week, I was with him all the time,n he was waiting for me everyday early in the morning in my hotel's lobby. I also introduced him to my mother and brother, n they thought he was a nice guy. But on his last night there he left me in his hotel (when the reception was asking questions like how did he know me n etc) n he ran into his room, there were drunk men around me n i was really really scared, he came back after like 20 min, n later he said he panicked . You know why I couldn't do anything then because I made an effort to meet him by going to some other country, so avoided whatever he did. Even the first day when i met him in person for the first time, at night we were in his hotel n he said he wanted to watch the football match, n he was acting like was dying to sleep . So i said I would go to my hotel, n i thought he would accompany me like any other man would have done. N he just asked if i was sure, n i just left from there. When I reached my hotel I met some German guy in the lift, he was really nice n respectful but i avoided him because I didn't feel right chatting up some other guy, I couldn't open the door he helped me open it n made sure I was alright n safe. now this was also a western man, who was just a stranger to me but was so respectful towards me. N my then boyfriend didn't care n told me to go to my hotel in a new country on my own. Yes I guess it was my fault I should have backed off just then, but I just wanted to believe him. Then again after marriage I was in worst situation because of him. N now in the end he said there are many other women, n he would find one. So obviously there's no point even thinking about this man now.

Edited April 14, 2013 by samia12

[Els]

You're right, you need to move on. What are your plans for the divorce?