Being mistreated by husband

[LeGenDary_Man]

I mentioned in my earlier posts, I knew I couldn't meet him in Pakistan cos its quite strict, n it was almost impossible to get a visit visa for Ireland which would have took at least 3 months. So I made a plan to meet him in Dubai for a week, I was with him all the time,n he was waiting for me everyday early in the morning in my hotel's lobby. I also introduced him to my mother and brother, n they thought he was a nice guy. But on his last night there he left me in his hotel (when the reception was asking questions like how did he know me n etc) n he ran into his room, there were drunk men around me n i was really really scared, he came back after like 20 min, n later he said he panicked . You know why I couldn't do anything then because I made an effort to meet him by going to some other country, so avoided whatever he did. Even the first day when i met him in person for the first time, at night we were in his hotel n he said he wanted to watch the football match, n he was acting like was dying to sleep . So i said I would go to my hotel, n i thought he would accompany me like any other man would have done. N he just asked if i was sure, n i just left from there. When I reached my hotel I met some German guy in the lift, he was really nice n respectful but i avoided him because I didn't feel right chatting up some other guy, I couldn't open the door he helped me open it n made sure I was alright n safe. now this was also a western man, who was just a stranger to me but was so respectful towards me. N my then boyfriend didn't care n told me to go to my hotel in a new country on my own. Yes I guess it was my fault I should have backed off just then, but I just wanted to believe him. Then again after marriage I was in worst situation because of him. N now in the end he said there are many other women, n he would find one. So obviously there's no point even thinking about this man now.

The more you disclose; the more you seem to validate my point that you are not a good "decision-maker" (for yourself unfortunately) since you lack in experience and exposure. And you denied your father the right to guide you.

 

I really feel for your father now; your mother and brother have unfortunately played a role in aiding your selfishness rather then helping you at "sorting" yourself out.

 

So what does your mother and brother feel about your current predicament now? Care to disclose?

 

Your husband gave you not one but several RED FLAGS prior to marrying you; he isn't the one who will try to PROVIDE/PROTECT you. If you VALUE marriage so much; why were you do blind to the obvious signs in the first place?

 

A mature person is very calculative in these kind of matters. You are planning to share your life with someone; it is not a matter of joke.

 

I mean! Seriously? But what is done is done. No point beating the bush now.

 

One more thing; just because a German guy treated you nice in a lift; doesn't means that he is the RIGHT ONE for you (This is not a Western exclusive trait). For all you know, he might be a drinker or have habits that you despise. People in the WEST are MASSIVELY DIFFERENT from people in Pakistan! Try to comprehend this fact.

 

Explore this forum to learn about Western men.

 

Here is a start: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/386071-what-do-guys-really-think-about-girl-saying-no-sex-early-stages

 

By the way what is your objective in this forum? You sought an advice about what to do with your douche husband; people answered accordingly.

 

Now you just want to rant? If yes, you have the right to do so. We love disclosures.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samia12]

The more you disclose; the more you seem to validate my point that you are not a good "decision-maker" (by yourself) since you lack in experience and exposure.

 

I really feel for your father now; your mother and brother have unfortunately played a role in aiding your selfishness rather then helping you in sorting yourself out.

 

What does your mother feels about your current predicament now? Care to disclose?

 

Your husband gave you not one but several RED FLAGS prior to marrying you. If you VALUE marriage so much; why were you do blind in the first place? A mature person is very calculative in these kind of matters.

 

You are planning to share your life with someone; it is not a matter of joke.

 

I mean! Seriously?

 

One more thing; just because a German guy treated you nice in a lift; doesn't means that he is the RIGHT ONE for you (This is not a Western only trait). For all you know, he might be a drinker or have habits that you despise. People in the WEST are MASSIVELY DIFFERENT from people in Pakistan! Try to comprehend this fact.

 

Explore this forum to learn about Western men.

 

Here is a start: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/386071-what-do-guys-really-think-about-girl-saying-no-sex-early-stages

 

By the way what is your objective in this forum? You sought an advice about what to do with your douche husband; people answered accordingly.

 

Now you just want to rant? If yes, you have the right to do so. We love disclosures.

Your the one who is ranting here. I'm not afraid to talk about what I have been through. N don't be judging my family here, alright. I just gave an eg of a western person, doesn't mean I wanted to be with him infact I avoided him. Selfishness? That was my decision. Please I don't need your posts on my forum. Your just some conservative person who hates western culture. Stop humiliating people. N i request you not to post again. People like you can't stop me from sharing what I have been through. Its not a religious forum.this is my thread so ibviuosly I would reply to people. Guess you have a lot of time to come here, n blame me for everything, only because you can't stand the fact that I took the bold step of marrying someone who doesn't belong to my culture. I was 21 and an adult it was my right to choos a partner legally. I'm sure there are many people like you here, n i really have no time to listen to their judgements. That's why I prefer not staying here. Good luck to you in annoying other people.

Edited April 14, 2013 by samia12

[samia12]

You're right, you need to move on. What are your plans for the divorce?

Will see, the sooner the better. Just need to live on my own for a while.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Your the one who is ranting here. I'm not afraid to talk about what I have been through. N don't be judging my family here, alright. I just gave an eg of a western person, doesn't mean I wanted to be with him infact I avoided him. Selfishness? That was my decision. Please I don't need your posts on my forum. Your just some conservative person who hates western culture. Stop humiliating people. N i request you nit to post again. People like you can't stop me from sharing what I have been through. Its not a religious forum.this is my thread so ibviuosly I would reply to people. Guess you have a lot of time to come here, n blame me for everything, only because you can't stand the fact that I took the bold step of marrying someone who doesn't belong to my culture. I was 21 and an adult it was my right to choos a partner legally. I'm sure there are many people like you here, n i really have no time to listen to their judgements. That's why I prefer not staying here. Good luck to you in annoying other people.

On your forum? This is ONLINE COMMUNITY, Samia. People have the right to judge/evaluate you. You may find some responses that you may not agree with it. I get such responses too; but I don't bash the posters.

 

I DO NOT humiliate people by the way; I show them the mirror (blunt). The thing is that you are getting too much DEFENSIVE about yourself. What are you? A nine year old? Grow some spine if you want to FACE the world on your own. World is not sympathetic.

 

I am not blaming you for everything; I have called your husband a douche for how many times now? He is too messed-up, IMO. But you might be sensible enough to FIX yourself. I am a REALIST; I am pointing out where "you" went wrong.

 

Ok! I see your point that you are not much interested in advices/lecturing. So you may just rant.

 

But do not forget:-

 

You judge people; you get judged as well.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samia12]

On your forum? This is ONLINE COMMUNITY, Samia. People have the right to judge/evaluate you. You may find some responses that you may not agree with it. I get such responses too; but I don't bash the posters.

 

I DO NOT HUMILIATE PEOPLE by the way; I show them the mirror (blunt). The thing is that you are getting too much DEFENSIVE about yourself.

 

I am not blaming your for everything; I have called your husband a douche for how many times now?

 

Ok! I see your point that you are not much interested in advices/lecturing. So you may just rant.

 

But do not forget:-

 

You judge people; you get judged as well.

I started this thread, didn't I? Thanks man, but I'm not judgemental , that's why I didn't even hesitate putting up my last conversation with him, I just told here what happened with me, yes you n other people have called him scum etc, but I didn't. N i swear he made me believe what he was doing to me was normal, people here have given me hope just by writing few lines, n opened my eyes. Calling him names won't change what has happened. Alright thanks. And your just changing the topic here. I'm okay now. N don't need advice. But if people are asking me what I wanna do next its good manners to reply them, because they helped me alot just by posting on here. Thanks everyone.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I started this thread, didn't I? Thanks man, but I'm not judgemental , that's why I didn't even hesitate putting up my last conversation with him, I just told here what happened with me, yes you n other people have called him scum etc, but I didn't. N i swear he made me believe what he was doing to me was normal, people here have given me hope just by writing few lines, n opened my eyes. Calling him names won't change what has happened. Alright thanks. And your just changing the topic here. I'm okay now. N don't need advice. But if people are asking me what I wanna do next its good manners to reply them, because they helped me alot just by posting on here. Thanks everyone.

You are being judgmental; but you do not realize this. You judged me because of my blunt lectures; you labeled me extremist without proper foresight. People consciously/un-consciously judge others. Your posting history reveals that you are afraid from getting judged (yourself) due to the mistakes you made/blunders you committed. In this situation, you shall keep in mind that lot of people make mistakes and you are not alone and you are not the only one who got judged (if this makes you feel better).

 

When you disclose your personal information; you open yourself up to scrutiny. It is easy to pinpoint issues in others; but few are in to self-analysis. Some people try to make you realize your own shortcomings alongside advising you (I fall in this category). Those who have ego problems; end-up getting defensive. Others accept their personal issues.

 

------

 

Coming towards the divorce part: You had nikkah? If yes, then you can seek Khula. Here is information: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/26247

 

If you want more counseling in this aspect, then I can direct you towards another Islamic source from where you may get great advice.

 

------

 

EDIT: Very important article for you: http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/5-ways-to-let-go-of-judgment-fear

 

------

 

One more thing; the reason that I took interest in your thread is because of the "Pakistan" part. I felt that I would be in a good position to reason with you because of my background. But nope! You are not much open to reasoning/lecturing. My mistake.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Cutiepie1976]

Samia, anyone is free to post on any thread as long as they address the topic of the OP. If a particular poster is disruptive, you have two choices, depending on the precise nature of the activity:

• Place them on your ignore list. You won't see their posts, and you never receive private messages from them.
  
• Report them using the "Alert" button if it's a personal attack or not directly related to the OP.
  

Bear in mind that opinions that we don't like aren't necessarily personal attacks.

 

I will also say that forums are very skewed places. I would not make broad generalizations about the world based on the complaints I see on a forum. People who are success stories don't take the time to write about it or ask for advice. Advice for what? Please help me to be less happy? Please help me understand why I'm so happy? Of course not.

 

FWIW, I date Western men almost exclusively. I have never been mistreated. I have never had anyone pressure me to do things I don't want. I have dated men who were kind, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful. Most of them have wanted to marry me.

 

Are all men like that? Of course not. You have to pick carefully. That's the key. Look at their behavior. Does it match their words? Do they share your basic values? For me, those include things like integrity, honor, drive, respect for others, etc. These will be different for different people. Not every Pakistani man will share your values. Neither will every non-Pakistani guy. Focus on trying to find those men who share your values, can meet your relationship needs (and you theirs), and want the same things that you do.

 

Now back to you, and what you might do, which is the reason for this thread. Divorce (and ideally annulment if that's possible) is the right choice IMO.

 

You mentioned moving overseas without him anyway. Here are a few ideas:

• You're 21. Why not go to university or graduate school overseas? That is an ideal way to make the transition in my view. Plus you get an education that is recognized more widely around the world and access to a larger range of jobs. You also get to meet a wide range of men closer to your own age in more natural settings, and get to know them well.
  
• You mentioned turning down a job as cabin crew. Not sure what you meant by that exactly. A flight attendant is another option. International flight assignments tend to go to more experienced attendants, but you have to start somewhere.
  
• Work for the local office of a foreign multinational or global company.
  

 

If you do emigrate and do so outside the context of school or job reassignment, then consider places with large Pakistani communities--London, New York, Washington DC, and Toronto, for example. It's a mixed blessing, but it's often helpful to go somewhere where you might know someone already.

 

Good luck. I hope you find the love and happiness you seek.

[samia12]

You are being judgmental; but you do not realize this. You judged me because of my blunt lectures; you labeled me extremist without proper foresight. People consciously/un-consciously judge others. Your posting history reveals that you are afraid from getting judged (yourself) due to the mistakes you made/blunders you committed. In this situation, you shall keep in mind that lot of people make mistakes and you are not alone and you are not the only one who got judged (if this makes you feel better).

 

When you disclose your personal information; you open yourself up to scrutiny. It is easy to pinpoint issues in others; but few are in to self-analysis. Some people try to make you realize your own shortcomings alongside advising you (I fall in this category). Those who have ego problems; end-up getting defensive. Others accept their personal issues.

 

------

 

Coming towards the divorce part: You had nikkah? If yes, then you can seek Khula. Here is information: Islam Question and Answer - Khula?: definition and how it is done

 

If you want more counseling in this aspect, then I can direct you towards another Islamic source from where you may get great advice.

 

------

 

EDIT: Very important article for you: 5 Ways to Let Go of Judgment & Fear | Mindfulness Muse

 

------

 

One more thing; the reason that I took interest in your thread is because of the "Pakistan" part. I felt that I would be in a good position to reason with you because of my background. But nope! You are not much open to reasoning/lecturing. My mistake.

 

Yeah your mistake. You just admitted that you are ranting here just because I'm pakistani n you come from the same culture. And you couldn't stand the fact that I married a non Muslim, well I don't come from a very conservative family thankfully. N why would you come here n judge people who are already in most miserable situation. You can't control people's mind. Don't expect me to follow what you write here. Whether I divorce him now later or never that's my problem. I wanted advice not order! Yeah n i just went through your profile where you were trying to make some western person better after she got drunk n whatever she did. But here because you know I come from Pakistan, you think you could write anything about me n i would just keep my mouth shut, not happening. Umm why didn't you also write in your post that she would burn in hell, just like you have said about my husband facing punishment n for me being married to him?

And yes I didnt judge anyone not even my husband, I just told exactly what happened with me, n also posted my conversation on here, to prove whatever i told was truth.Then here you started seeing the whole thing like any extremist would have done, n blaming my family for supporting me. N also saying my parents are happily married, or not. Like you know them. N other couples who had bad experience with marriage either were forced to marry or were in love? What the hell . Your just supposing things. That's called judging others. I did admit many times on this thread that I shouldn't have married this man, n it was my fault that I was too blind to see his real side. Stop imposing your beliefs on me at least. And I have told you to stop posting irrelevant stuff here. Its not about you okay, its about me. Whether a woman is hindu, Muslim, Christian or Jew , everyone has the same rights, n here it was about being abused. Try to become a better person, if you wanna be close to God. Instead of dragging religion into everything. By the way, you calling my husband names won't make me feel good, I wanted to know if it was normal whatever he was doing to me n i got the answers. Now its up to me whatever I decide. I know you won't stop posting because you just find this topic so interesting. But your not getting any reply so keep on ranting

 

Your not blunt its called being mean. Your trying to humiliate a person who is already hurt. I didn't see you talking to western people here, or telling them how wrong they are. but you think I would listen to all this irrelevant illogical stuff you type, cos you have nothing better to do I'm sure. Enjoy reading it but no one wants to read what you write on my thread, you have turned it into a religious thread, to get attention. Don't waste your time here.

Edited April 14, 2013 by samia12

[LeGenDary_Man]

Yeah your mistake. You just admitted that you are ranting here just because I'm pakistani n you come from the same culture. And you couldn't stand the fact that I married a non Muslim, well I don't come from a very conservative family thankfully.

I gave you an "advice" concerning your marriage and it is the same; divorce your husband since he doesn't treats you well. Yes, some of my sentences may have sounded harsh but this is how I often post. Until now, nobody has directed their anger towards me for my posting style; mature people do not focus much on semantics but rather on the advice itself.

 

Your anger should be directed towards your husband and your own foolishness; not me. Telling posters to SU (just because they do not happen to share your POV) is not a good practice. In this manner, you put the targeted poster on the defensive.

 

Also, I am least bothered by why you chose to marry a non-Muslim. I "assumed" that you are a practicing Muslim so I cautioned you on what is acceptable in Islam as far as relationships are concerned. I guess that I was wrong in assuming that you are a practicing Muslim. Now with these statements; I am not judging you harshly. I am simply being "straight-forward" with you.

 

You need to be more tolerant on online mediums; you cannot expect everybody to toe your line. By exploring this forum, you will learn that when people are doing wrong; they are often bluntly informed by other posters that they are doing wrong.

 

N why would you come here n judge people who are already in most miserable situation. You can't control people's mind. Don't expect me to follow what you write here. Whether I divorce him now later or never that's my problem. I wanted advice not order! Yeah n i just went through your profile where you were trying to make some western person better after she got drunk n whatever she did. But here because you know I come from Pakistan, you think you could write anything about me n i would just keep my mouth shut, not happening. Umm why didn't you also write in your post that she would burn in hell, just like you have said about my husband facing punishment n for me being married to him?

Can you point out the thread?

 

I believe, I am consistent in my (reasoning) approach towards fellow Muslims in this forum.

 

And yes I didnt judge anyone not even my husband, I just told exactly what happened with me, n also posted my conversation on here, to prove whatever i told was truth.Then here you started seeing the whole thing like any extremist would have done, n blaming my family for supporting me. N also saying my parents are happily married, or not. Like you know them. N other couples who had bad experience with marriage either were forced to marry or were in love? What the hell . Your just supposing things. That's called judging others. I did admit many times on this thread that I shouldn't have married this man, n it was my fault that I was too blind to see his real side. Stop imposing your beliefs on me at least. And I have told you to stop posting irrelevant stuff here. Its not about you okay, its about me. Whether a woman is hindu, Muslim, Christian or Jew , everyone has the same rights, n here it was about being abused. Try to become a better person, if you wanna be close to God. Instead of dragging religion into everything. By the way, you calling my husband names won't make me feel good, I wanted to know if it was normal whatever he was doing to me n i got the answers. Now its up to me whatever I decide. I know you won't stop posting because you just find this topic so interesting. But your not getting any reply so keep on ranting

I have explained all of my points in detail but you are continuing to nitpick on my statements/choice of words. I understand that you are in pain (currently) but does this gives you the right to direct your anger towards posters on the web? Mature people do not act this way.

 

Being a better person does not equates to be close to Allah Almighty. An atheist can be a good person; doesn't means that he/she will get same treatment during the day of judgment as a practicing Muslim would. Yes, I know that you are not interested in religious talk but be sensible and open to scrutiny. Otherwise, you are trying to "control/shun" posters here; me as an example.

 

You seem to suggest that I am generalizing? Lady, you are not being very honest in your disclosures here. You posted the below information in another forum:

 

"I know no one is forcing me to move to Ireland, but im supposed to since i'm married to him. I dont come from a western culture, n if i stay here that would prove my father right, since he was against the marriage since the very first day. And i am sure he wont let me do anythinh with my life here. People here arent as understanding as its in west. i had like a grand wedding it would just give them the excuse to laugh at me. yes i care about people because i had a hard time dealing with them as a teen. If i lived here my father wont let my work. So my plan is to move there, n have my own money. n soon i'll find a way to earn there. My so called husband doesnt mean anything to me. and i have told my family if i get my visa i would go there on my own. i just dont want him to comeover n fool my family again, pretending to be that fake guy he is. neither i need him. Your support has made me more stronger, n thats the best thing i can do now, because i have to think about the consequences as well."

 

This suggests that you are not a brave women; you are rather ashamed to face your father after your disastrous decision-making. You didn't listen to him. Rebelling against parents is not a healthy thing in any culture; let alone Pakistan.

 

Your parents are not happily married? If answer is yes, then this might be the reason for you being so much identity-conflicted and confused at your current age instead of being confident and rational.

 

If you are willing to move abroad; do you have the finances to cope with the expenditure? You may need a VISA; a decent job; a resting place and vice versa. It is not EASY to settle-down in a foreign country on your own. Some level of financial assistance from your family might come in handy. Are their any relatives of yours living abroad? If yes, then you may need their help.

 

More importantly, have you disclosed to your family about your failed marriage yet? For all we know, you might be planning to move to a foreign country and then disclose the information. You don't trust your father enough?

 

You are a very confusing poster. You are disclosing information in the form of bits and pieces. This makes it very difficult to judge your mind-set and how to address you.

 

Also, if you are not a religious person; just say so. In this manner, all posters will understand that you are not a Muslim or much in to family values; you have a Western mind-set instead. Their is no shame in admitting your belief aspect.

 

Also, have you checked the 5 ways to let go judgment and fear article? If you haven't yet then you should. It is philosophical in nature and will help you calm down.

 

Your not blunt its called being mean. Your trying to humiliate a person who is already hurt. I didn't see you talking to western people here, or telling them how wrong they are. but you think I would listen to all this irrelevant illogical stuff you type, cos you have nothing better to do I'm sure. Enjoy reading it but no one wants to read what you write on my thread, you have turned it into a religious thread, to get attention. Don't waste your time here.

You are wrong if you think that I haven't been blunt with and/or had arguments with Western people in this forum. In fact, most of my posts are directed towards speaking out against wrongdoings. I am very vocal against wrongdoings.

 

I am sorry; if you feel like if I have turned your thread in to a religious one. It seems as if you are not much in to Islam. I mistakenly assumed this to be the case. Though I don't understand that why your spouse had to convert to Islam to marry you, if you are not much in to religion? Did you had an Islamic wedding (Nikkah) or a court-oriented one?

 

It is important to inform you that how you proceed with divorce if you had a Nikkah and not a court-oriented wedding. I have provided you a link in this regard. Pay attention to these citations; they are good helping materials.

 

Samia, lot of members in this forum have experienced hurt in their lives. However, their anger are directed towards those who have wronged them.

 

So please excuse me from your anger.

Edited April 14, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[William]

Due to a request for deletion, this thread was closed. Relevant information on LoveShack policy and implementation can be found at this link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/383940-how-do-you-delete-your-posts-change-delete-username

 

Thanks for your participation.