I broke up with my girlfriend...now I'm feeling sad, guilt and some remorse.

[paperboy48]

I broke up with my girlfriend this past Saturday of 5-6 months. To be honest, I feel a little remorse about it. We are both in our mid-thirties. She has never lived with anyone (or has never been married obviously). In the beginning, she was great...we were great. I dont know exactly what to say....so I'll just say what I feel... when I broke it off with her, I did that because I felt she was becoming to controlling and she was detached from me emotionally a lot of the times we were together.

 

I felt that she was so career focused and just focused with life in general that she was basically detached with me when we were togehter a lot of the times with the exception of Saturday afternoon into the evening and Saunday mornings. At sametime, she told me I was the best guy she has ever known (she said she had never met anyone like me before....someone who is so good at open communication.) She told me I was her best friend and I told her the same. We both have had some issues (some difficult things to deal with) in our lives and we both helped each other a lot with those issues.

 

I just feel so bad, like I ripped her heart out. I have never done that before to someone. This was also my first relationship since a 16 year marriage that broke up 9 months prior to her and I dating. Also, recently we discussed the possibilty of having children. I told her I didn't think I wanted kids. In the beginning I told her I wasn't sure...which was the truth. She told me she loves my children but it wouldn't be the same thing as her having her own children. Is it wrong to want my partner to say .."I could see myself one day loving your children just as they were my own?"

 

Sorry this is so long, I dont know what I am feeling right now....part of me wants to reach out to her and discuss this more. She told me though (when I broke up with her), "I don't want to be with a guy who doesn't adore me."

 

Anyone think there is any chance of reconcilation? Or at the very least should I text her letting her known I am thinking of her and hope she is doing ok?

[SalientPoint]

I think it really depends on how willing she was to have open communication and work on issues. If you tried your hardest to work with her on the issues that you were having, and she was dismissing your concerns or not willing to compromise then you've done the right thing, and that was the only thing you can do. I've been on both sides of the coin in this situation. Sometimes I've been too rash with the break up talk, which I've widely curbed as I got older, but I've also let troubled relationships go on for too long and put too much faith in people that just weren't willing to compromise or didn't care enough about the relationship to work things out. I'm a very committed person, and I'm usually very big on meeting in the middle and putting in 50-50, and I've found that a lot of people just aren't willing to work on things. If this sounds like her then you're probably better off, but if your gut is telling you that you didn't give her enough of a chance or communicate enough, maybe you could talk to her about it.

[Standard-Fare]

Your post didn't make it entirely clear why you felt you had to break up with her. You describe the problems vaguely. What were the specific tipping points or dealbreakers for you that made you feel you had to call things off? Were they things you two might have been able to work on, or were they truly obstacles you couldn't surmount?

[paperboy48]

I think it really depends on how willing she was to have open communication and work on issues. If you tried your hardest to work with her on the issues that you were having, and she was dismissing your concerns or not willing to compromise then you've done the right thing, and that was the only thing you can do. I've been on both sides of the coin in this situation. Sometimes I've been too rash with the break up talk, which I've widely curbed as I got older, but I've also let troubled relationships go on for too long and put too much faith in people that just weren't willing to compromise or didn't care enough about the relationship to work things out. I'm a very committed person, and I'm usually very big on meeting in the middle and putting in 50-50, and I've found that a lot of people just aren't willing to work on things. If this sounds like her then you're probably better off, but if your gut is telling you that you didn't give her enough of a chance or communicate enough, maybe you could talk to her about it.

 

I didn't give her enough chance... So please let me know what you think, should I text her, call her or just stop over? It has been 3 days, do you think I should do this in the next day or so or should I wait a few days? Thank u for your response, I'm just worried I lost my best friend

[paperboy48]

Your post didn't make it entirely clear why you felt you had to break up with her. You describe the problems vaguely. What were the specific tipping points or dealbreakers for you that made you feel you had to call things off? Were they things you two might have been able to work on, or were they truly obstacles you couldn't surmount?

 

I think I got spoked... I just saw some things that made me think I could just go out and get someone without the issues she has. Nobody is perfect and everybody has issues.

 

That's the problem with OLD, you think oh I'll just go out and get someone without these issues.

[SalientPoint]

Well if you think she's willing to work on things, I'd give her a call when you feel ready and see what she has to say. Sometimes it's valuable to have some time apart to think about things, and sometimes it irrevocably effects the balance. However, after 3 days if she really loves you and wants to work it out, then she may still be receptive.

[Standard-Fare]

I think I got spoked... I just saw some things that made me think I could just go out and get someone without the issues she has. Nobody is perfect and everybody has issues.

 

That's the problem with OLD, you think oh I'll just go out and get someone without these issues.

 

I still have no sense of what specific triggers prompted the breakup for you. Was it really just a vague feeling of unease, or were there specific incidents that made you realize she wasn't for you? Or particular traits in her you couldn't move past?

 

If it's the former -- the general feeling of unease -- I can see why you'd want to backtrack but first you'd need to carefully consider whether that same feeling would just rear its ugly head again. If something felt wrong on a gut level, chances are that emotion would come right back. You don't want to waste her time if there's any risk of that.

[paperboy48]

Well if you think she's willing to work on things, I'd give her a call when you feel ready and see what she has to say. Sometimes it's valuable to have some time apart to think about things, and sometimes it irrevocably effects the balance. However, after 3 days if she really loves you and wants to work it out, then she may still be receptive.

 

She'd told me during our break up chat.. "I only want to be with someone who adores me"

[paperboy48]

I still have no sense of what specific triggers prompted the breakup for you. Was it really just a vague feeling of unease, or were there specific incidents that made you realize she wasn't for you? Or particular traits in her you couldn't move past?

 

If it's the former -- the general feeling of unease -- I can see why you'd want to backtrack but first you'd need to carefully consider whether that same feeling would just rear its ugly head again. If something felt wrong on a gut level, chances are that emotion would come right back. You don't want to waste her time if there's any risk of that.

 

There were specific issues....she was very much in love with me but too detached when together. Also, she tried controlling at times then she was compromising during our talks

[SalientPoint]

She'd told me during our break up chat.. "I only want to be with someone who adores me"

 

 

Well if you feel like you can do that, then talk to her about it. I mean, only you really know deep down inside whether she is the kind of person that will workon things with you, but if you feel like there's some hope, there's no reason not to even try to talk to her about things.

[Standard-Fare]

Are you that person who adores her like she wants? Every woman is looking for that. It seems like you feel half-hearted about her, in which case you shouldn't waste her time anymore.

 

I don't get the vibe that your feelings are strong enough here to warrant going back to her right now and trying to reconcile. You need to sit down and think about what you want and whether you can give HER what she wants. Don't dive back into this only to make things more upsetting and confusing.

[uniqwa]

I honestly think "asking her how she's doing" is a good way to show her you still care..

I have read a lot of "dumpee" stories here and a lot of them deal with the " he doesn't care he never cared". That is what literally eats away at the heart.. It's a reality check that love is blind... Now letting her know you care and that she was not just "nothing'' would be something that would help her, Honestly I think its something that would help her cope more. Losing someone you love is horrible, then losing them and all the trust,love, and replacing it with " he never cared" is far worse.