I want him to know exactly how much he hurt me

[nonotok]

My ex dumped me a little over 2 months ago. I immediately went no contact and haven't heard a word from him either. I've been struggling the last few days maintaining no contact. I have an incredible urge to email him and tell him how much he has hurt me and how he has destroyed me. I know no good can come of this but at times I just don't care.

[Damaged23]

Exactly, dont waste your time telling him how much he hurt you. Chances are he won't even reply. At the end of the day you will be more hurt. If you want, write it here, but don't ever email him. Be strong! You've gone this far with NC, stick to it, you won't regret it.

 

Best of luck!

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh, you will SO regret that if you do it. Seriously..take 2 days to think about it and see if you still want to.

[CompleteFailure]

And if he sends you an email back with "LOL!"? Are you prepared for that?

[RiceaRoni]

Dont tell him how much he hurt you..

 

It'll be an ego boost for him, and it'll show how much power he has over your emotions and persona...be strong and act like you dont care

[Kaiten]

Definitely do not tell him how hurt you are. Its is literally the worst option.

 

A much better option would be to go ahead and post your story here, and get some feedback and much needed comfort. Dont worry about being embarrassed. At LoveShack, our motto is "Someone's already posted worse"

 

There will likely be remarks of douchebaggery. But the real people trying to help out always seem to make it around to every cry for help

[nonotok]

The thought of his reply (whether good or bad) is what is stopping me from sending the email. I realize this is not the way I want to hear from him. Provoked by the ranting of an emotional wreck. It's just so hard holding back everything you want to say to them. I'm proud of myself for keeping no contact for the entire break up but it is infuriating that after years together he hasn't even checked to see if I'm ok. Not once. That's when I get the urge to go off. What more do I have to lose? He's already gone.

[nonotok]

And thank you for all of the replies. Sometimes you really do need to be talked off the ledge.

[Kaiten]

What more do I have to lose? He's already gone.

 

Things you have to lose:

 

1) Your dignity.

2) His current view of you will change. Since youve been keeping NC going well, he is seeing that he doesnt have the power to control you. It is likely that he views you as strong right now.

 

3) Your power over yourself. Going off on him will shift your emotions within yourself. Trust me, i am a doctor. Your emotions will go in an endless cycle of feeling depressed because you lost your love to feeling angry because youre not significant to him.

 

4) whatever you say to him you will never be able to take back. Anger blows negative emotions out of proportion. A person is literally not his or herself when they are angry. You will be vulnerable to saying things you dont even mean or want to later take back and this ultimately defeats the purpose, right?

 

If you go down that road its going to be hard to put on the brakes. A Colonel in the army gave me some of the best advice i had ever heard not too long ago.

 

He said "You'll never regret saying something you didn't say."

[Kaiten]

Go off on him if you must but consider what i have told you. Ive been in your shoes youngling.

[thefooloftheyear]

The thought of his reply (whether good or bad) is what is stopping me from sending the email. I realize this is not the way I want to hear from him. Provoked by the ranting of an emotional wreck. It's just so hard holding back everything you want to say to them. I'm proud of myself for keeping no contact for the entire break up but it is infuriating that after years together he hasn't even checked to see if I'm ok. Not once. That's when I get the urge to go off. What more do I have to lose? He's already gone.

 

 

You'll gain nothing out of it but humiliate yourself.

 

Do yourself a big favor. take all that anger and frustration and join a gym or take up kickboxing or some other variety of physical activity. Use this stored energy to fuel your workouts and take you to a level of fitness you never dreamed of. The endorphins will give you a high better than ANY stupid anti-depressant and you will be looking your best for the next guy that will think you are the best thing since the microwave oven...

 

TFOY

[Damsel in Distress]

The thought of his reply (whether good or bad) is what is stopping me from sending the email. I realize this is not the way I want to hear from him. Provoked by the ranting of an emotional wreck. It's just so hard holding back everything you want to say to them. I'm proud of myself for keeping no contact for the entire break up but it is infuriating that after years together he hasn't even checked to see if I'm ok. Not once. That's when I get the urge to go off. What more do I have to lose? He's already gone.

 

Nonotok, I just want you to know that I feel the same way this week, and could have written this same post. I'm 7 weeks post BU. I have a little bit of anger, but it feels more just stunned and disappointed that a man who loved me and was my best friend for over two years could so abruptly turn his back on the relationship, and suddenly close off all contact as if I never existed.

 

This week I have wanted to contact him to let him know that the way he is handling this breakup is much more painful than the breakup itself. Blindside me, then total silence - it's just not a very nice way to treat somebody! It's like slamming the door into my face and locking it. And there were no obvious problems in the relationship other than it was LDR, which he had said was not a problem.

 

His last contact was telling me he was wanting to try a relationship with this local girl but feeling confused because he didn't want to hurt me and his life is a mess. His last words were "Call any time". Then he disappeared and hasn't answered the phone. I started NC and like you say, I cannot believe he hasn't checked in, and I'm starting to think he will never speak to me again. I'm not even trying to get him back - I just feel that he should be kind and still care about me after all that we went through. Yes he's moved on, but I didn't disappear and he can't erase me from his history. I feel from these forums that I'm expecting way too much from the dumper, but I really do feel it's cold and heartless for a dumper to act this way! I guess I wish he had talked it through with me. If he explained how he was feeling it could be a more mutual agreement that this was for the best.

 

Anyway, those are the things I wish to confront him with. But of course I will not. even when I've tried to write drafts just to get the thoughts out of my mind, I just can't seem to find the right words, it sounds useless and whiny, and I realize there is just really no point. He's not going to say "ah I didn't think about that. It's not fair of me to just close off all contact like that" , lol. And most of all I won't do it because it will reinforce my position as a dumpee, and I'd rather be thought of as strong.

 

Anyway, not trying to hijack your thread, but just chiming in with my thoughts since you are thinking and feeling so similar to me. I find it very helpful to know I'm not the only one with these kinds of thoughts.

 

Hang in there. and don't contact him of course!

[Damsel in Distress]

Things you have to lose:

 

1) Your dignity.

2) His current view of you will change. Since youve been keeping NC going well, he is seeing that he doesnt have the power to control you. It is likely that he views you as strong right now.

 

3) Your power over yourself. Going off on him will shift your emotions within yourself. Trust me, i am a doctor. Your emotions will go in an endless cycle of feeling depressed because you lost your love to feeling angry because youre not significant to him.

 

4) whatever you say to him you will never be able to take back. Anger blows negative emotions out of proportion. A person is literally not his or herself when they are angry. You will be vulnerable to saying things you dont even mean or want to later take back and this ultimately defeats the purpose, right?

 

If you go down that road its going to be hard to put on the brakes. A Colonel in the army gave me some of the best advice i had ever heard not too long ago.

 

He said "You'll never regret saying something you didn't say."

 

Excellent points, Kaiten. I really like your post.

 

Points 2 & 3 are exactly what I've been telling myself to control my urges. Acting on an urge to confront him about his behavior is only reinforcing my position as dumpee in his eyes and in my own eyes. NC it the only way to regain power after being dumped.

 

and point 4 is excellent in this situation and in all of life. I love the quote you shared: "You'll never regret saying something you didn't say."

 

that's why I'm the queen of unsent messages. I like to get the thoughts out of my head for my own sanity, but I don't want them out live where they can have unintended effects.

[Kaiten]

Why thank you Damsel. Helping people is my passion!

[lavenderlove]

I feel very similar to how you are feeling right now, and I sing.

 

There is a lovely who knows how old hungarian folk song with a cheerful melody I sang on the way home today the translation goes like this:

 

I look up at the sky, the lovely starry sky

I curse you, so you will never be happy for the rest of your life...

 

Now obviously we don't really mean that (or do we?), this is why it is being sang to the starry sky and not to Ex's face.

 

Also, I went and did a very intense spinning class at gym, to get some of the anger and disappointment out.

 

So my advice is do anything you need to do, just so you don't send that e-mail.

[ukman78]

I am sorry to hear how much this break up has hurt you and understand the turmoil that you are feeling.

 

I have heard that writing a letter that outlines everything you feel for him, your relastionship, how he has treated you and so on can be very therapeutic, BUT DO NOT POST IT.

 

Keep the letter to yourself and in a month or so read through it and realise that you can continue without him. whatever you want to actually say or do to him will not change how he has made you feel. The way he has treated you is not your fault.

 

I wish you all the best for the future

[nonotok]

Thanks for all of the support. I have joined a gym and have been going 5 days a week. It is the only thing getting me through this hard time. I also signed up for kickboxing which I'm really psyched about. I never thought exercise would elevate my mood SO much.

 

A little background on the breakup. We were together for about 3 years, lived together for 2. Everything moved very quickly, living together after 6 months etc. We got along very well but of course we had our difference. I work a 9 to 5 and he works nights (bartender.) He likes to party and I'm more of a home body. He is a quiet person and I like to talk. Even with our differences things generally seemed to work smoothly.

 

A week before I was going to start a new job (significant promotion) and days after my 30th birthday he dropped the bomb. It came just days after talking about marriage and kids and a future trip. I was absolutely blindsided. He seemed very excited about the new job and that I was going to be making more money which he took as an opportunity to have a serious marriage convo. We had talked about it many times before but he said something like "With this new job we'll have so much more $ etc and we can start seriously planning to get married." 3 weeks later he was gone.

 

He turned to me, hysterically crying, and said this wasn't working and he was going to move out. "We were different people" "We wanted different things" and on the flip side "I love you so f'ing much" and "I'm afraid I'm making the biggest mistake of my life." I told him to go because I really couldn't process anything that was happening and needed time to think before I got into a conversation like this.

 

He came back 2 days later to get his stuff and we talked again. He was again hysterically crying. In the initial conversation I sensed a lot of confusion and he wasn't really making sense. This 2nd time he just said there was no spark and we loved each other a lot but we weren't in love anymore. I told him to speak for himself. I asked if there was anything we could work on instead of him just leaving and he said "No, it's not a logical thing. It's just a feeling." In the 2 days since he had left I packed up everything in a box that reminded me of him and placed it in a corner. I needed to get it out of my sight. He must have found it while he was packing because as he was leaving that night he turned to me and without a lot of force said "don't throw away that box" again hysterically crying. I haven't heard from him since.

Edited April 9, 2013 by nonotok

[nonotok]

Part of me thinks "we're not in love anymore" was the easiest way out for him. I sensed he didn't really know why he was doing it. The initial conversation had nothing to do with being in love. I think the new job scared him off. I think he saw it as an ultimatum to get married. He also has his own problems to work on and I'm sure all of that didn't help the situation.

[siankat]

I've haven't been in contact for 6 weeks (would have been 3 months but first time he wrote me and i replied, second time he got electrocuted so i reached out and offered practical help) and the last week has been more difficult hence my little setback. Seems like a lot of people are feeling it at the moment, maybe it's the holidays, or is there a full moon coming up? Also, every month for one day i feel like the world is gonna end hehe

 

Stay strong to all those who are staying away from their ex because they know it's for the best!

[Damsel in Distress]

Nonotok, gosh your story You were completely blindsided, and then he disappeared - very similar to mine.

 

It's so hard for me to understand how somebody can be in a committed relationship, making future plans, acting completely attached, and then BOOM! it's like a bomb dropped out of nowhere. And then, just disappear!! That's also how it happened in my BU, and I just do not understand how somebody with a heart can switch in one day to sharing their life with somebody, and then completely withdraw from the relationship, cold turkey, seemingly without a backwards glance.

 

Intellectually I can come up with reasons - it's painful for a dumper to have contact with a dumpee because they feel bad, guilty, know they are hurting you, etc. OR they feel it's the best thing for us OR they are relieved and feeling set free and only want to look forward. Or maybe even all three. Those are the explanations I tell myself.

 

But emotionally I feel like that's a very self-centered thing for a dumper to do - do they really feel no need to check in and see how we are coping? I guess not, and that blows my mind.

 

 

I'm so sorry he is handling this breakup in this way. I'm going through the same thing, so I understand the crazy feelings and thoughts trying to comprehend how somebody you love can do these things. It must be especially hard that HE was the one talking about marriage plans and how the extra money was going to help with that. You didn't push him, he pushed himself... and scared himself off?? And I can just imagine your reaction when he said "WE" aren't in love any more - and you saying "Speak for yourself!" Indeed!!! And where did those thoughts come from! You were in love! And I think it's hard that he said "Don't throw away that box"... he doesn't want you to erase the memories of the relationship? Well what is he doing by completely cutting you off! He's treating you as if you no longer exist, and that is the part that is killing me too in my situation.

 

I think it's awesome you are going to the gym, and the kickboxing sounds like a GREAT plan - so good for releasing the negative energy you have inside you.

 

I am still today wanting to send a message saying something like "Are you really not going to speak to me again?? Do you really think that if you avoid me you can erase the relationship and avoid hurting me? I didn't disappear, and your silence hurts more than the breakup itself. How can your heart be that cold?" but of course I won't.

 

I guess this is my first experience with a breakup that was just cutting the cord without warning. Usually the cord stretches, pulls, gets frayed, put tape around the cord, pull some more, try tying a knot in it, knot slips, etc. You see the bond loosening until it finally breaks. But in your case especially and also in mine, it's like there was a strong rope and they sneaked up with a hatchet and suddenly severed it. Completely!

 

Sorry for all the rambling. this is the piece of the breakup that is the hardest for me to understand and cope with, so I appreciate hearing your thoughts, and giving me a chance to share mine too.

 

Stay strong and keep focusing on yourself. We can never understand what is going on in their heads, we just have to focus on accepting that we are powerless to change this, that our only power comes from going NC and healing ourselves.

[nonotok]

Thanks, Damsel. This is truly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and I'm sorry you're going through it, too. Stay strong!