Not enough sex & husband doesn't want to change

[cupcakez]

Hi folks,

 

My hubby and I have been together for 8.5 years and been married 6 of those years. We were both raised in a very conservative religion and did not have sex before marriage. We have since mutually abandoned the religious aspect of our lives.

 

We have had a few problems over the years and we've worked through them. Two years ago DH emotionally checked out of the marriage, I was prepared to leave him but he finally agreed to counseling. Spent a few months in counseling and things were MUCH better.

 

Anyway, our sex life has never been fantastic. We usually have sex once a week or so. I'd say every 5 out of 6 times, he just does whatever he feels like. Once every several weeks he's attentive to me and my wants/desires. When it's like that, we are dynamite together. The rest of the time it's fine but emotionally unfulfilling. When I try to initiate sex, I'm almost always rejected. When he wants to have sex, we have sex whether I really want to or not.

 

I have a higher sex drive and would LOVE to have more sex. I've tried a lot of things, initiating sex, telling him things that I would like to try, giving him bj's, sending him sexy texts, telling him I'd love to have sex more often. No dice: if he's not interested, he's not interested.

 

I guess I'm just SO tired of feeling horny all the dang time. I masturbate when DH doesn't want to have sex but it's not the same. I want to have fulfilling sex on a regular basis but it seems like I'm at mercy of his whims.

 

Any advice?

[2sure]

What do you think his reasons are for not wanting sex or for not wanting to give you the sex you want?

[cupcakez]

What do you think his reasons are for not wanting sex or for not wanting to give you the sex you want?

 

I think he just honestly doesn't feel the need to have sex any more often than that.

[eleanorrigby]

I really like Michelle Weiner Davis, I haven't read this book, but maybe it would be helpful.

eBook: The Sex-Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis | Home

Her divorcebusting book was very good to me.

[2sure]

Ok, so you feel his libido is much lower than yours? I mean, that's valid, common, could be physical.

 

But you said that when you do have sex he rarely makes sure you enjoy yourself.

 

That seems so selfish, like an act of anger or something.

[cupcakez]

Ok, so you feel his libido is much lower than yours? I mean, that's valid, common, could be physical.

 

But you said that when you do have sex he rarely makes sure you enjoy yourself.

 

That seems so selfish, like an act of anger or something.

 

Not angry, more like lazy. And yes, I'd guess that his libido is definitely lower than mine.

 

I'm pretty...sexually dynamic...so I can "get off" almost anytime we have sex. But most of our sex is no foreplay, no touching except putting the P in the V until he's done. The last time we had sex I was mostly asleep and it didn't deter him a bit, if that gives you a clue. So while I get the physical release, it leaves me feeling kind of emotionally hollow.

[pcplod]

Not angry, more like lazy. And yes, I'd guess that his libido is definitely lower than mine.

 

I'm pretty...sexually dynamic...so I can "get off" almost anytime we have sex. But most of our sex is no foreplay, no touching except putting the P in the V until he's done. The last time we had sex I was mostly asleep and it didn't deter him a bit, if that gives you a clue. So while I get the physical release, it leaves me feeling kind of emotionally hollow.

 

Erm, which bugs you most, the frequency or the quality? If the quality was better would the frequency be acceptable?

 

I'm thinking that he is into the orgasm, not the process of getting there. I am also thinking that he is into intercourse, per se, and not you. I don't have a particularly high libido but what I do know is that the pleasure of the other person is what tickles my fancy, not my own, whch I can procure for myself any old time, any old way I want. But after doing it a few hundred times it sort of loses it's shine.

[Glowy sun]

Not angry, more like lazy. And yes, I'd guess that his libido is definitely lower than mine.

 

I'm pretty...sexually dynamic...so I can "get off" almost anytime we have sex. But most of our sex is no foreplay, no touching except putting the P in the V until he's done. The last time we had sex I was mostly asleep and it didn't deter him a bit, if that gives you a clue. So while I get the physical release, it leaves me feeling kind of emotionally hollow.

 

When you are having sex do you communicate what you want him to do or what makes you feel good? It could be that he doesn't know what turns you on and just defaults to P in V. Maybe next time he goes straight for penetration stop him and tell him to do something else first.

[GorillaTheater]

We have had a few problems over the years and we've worked through them. Two years ago DH emotionally checked out of the marriage

 

Could be a factor in this situation. What was this all about?

[cupcakez]

When you are having sex do you communicate what you want him to do or what makes you feel good? It could be that he doesn't know what turns you on and just defaults to P in V. Maybe next time he goes straight for penetration stop him and tell him to do something else first.

 

He knows full well what turns me on. I think most of the time he doesn't feel like doing it.

 

Could be a factor in this situation. What was this all about?

I think he got overwhelmed with everything (marriage, job, baby, house, money). He just...stopped participating. Refused to do anything more than sit on the couch on his phone or spend entire days at his brother's playing xbox. Would not do any chores, let the baby make huge messes and left them for me to clean up, did not want to have even banal conversation. And forget doing anything remotely nice for me, that went right out the window. He also got incredibly nasty if I tried to gently bring up any issues.

 

Erm, which bugs you most, the frequency or the quality? If the quality was better would the frequency be acceptable?

That's a tough choice, but I'd have to say quality. However, increased quantity would also make things a lot better.

 

I am also thinking that he is into intercourse, per se, and not you.

That's really hard to hear....but...it's probably pretty accurate.

[HogHead]

Well, I'm a man in your shoes. I feel your pain. Really I do. I plow ahead lliving frustrated and undesirable. I dearly want to feel desirable!

[Nyla]

Playing video games all day and neglecting parenting as well as household duties is unacceptable for an adult, especially one who is married. Does you husband work? What made you tolerate such behavior from him?

 

Sex is about communication. Why have you not addressed these issues with your husband? It is obvious that the only way to heal your sex life is to be open about your desires and concerns. Your husband needs to know how damaging his attitude towards sex is. You may have to compromise on the frequency of sex. Make sure that you reach a solution that makes both of you at least partially happy.

 

My sex drive is slightly higher than my husband's and we manage well with 3-4 times a week. I would prefer lovemaking every night but I understand that is a lofty goal for most married couples. We are very affectionate with each other and my husband is fond of sending me love emails or texts during the day. We discuss our desires and try to be accomodating to each other within reason. We don't expect each other to do very uncomfortable things because we respect boundaries.

[cupcakez]

Playing video games all day and neglecting parenting as well as household duties is unacceptable for an adult, especially one who is married. Does you husband work? What made you tolerate such behavior from him?

 

Yes, he works full time. I didn't "tolerate" it--I tried over and over again to address the issues, and eventually gave him the choice of counseling or me leaving him.

 

Sex is about communication. Why have you not addressed these issues with your husband? It is obvious that the only way to heal your sex life is to be open about your desires and concerns. Your husband needs to know how damaging his attitude towards sex is. You may have to compromise on the frequency of sex. Make sure that you reach a solution that makes both of you at least partially happy.

 

I have tried to tell him I'd like to have sex more often/with more foreplay/etc. I have not come out and told him that it's a major problem for me...I guess because I know that that's a pretty awful thing for a man to hear, that his sexual performance isn't up to par. So I try to phrase things nicely, neutrally.

 

 

And no, his internet history is neither wiped nor full of porn.

[Sparty97]

I would kill for once a week.

[LeGenDary_Man]

@cupcakez

 

It is important for you to understand that sex can be "taxing" on a man.

 

Erection process is not a joke from medical point of view; a person should be very healthy for this purpose.

 

In current times, a human may endure lot of stress due to nature of work and several other factors. And stress can leave a negative impact on both physical and mental fitness of a person. However, this issue can be addressed.

 

Their are several food items that can boost sexual drive of a man. Here is a useful link: Aphrodisiac Foods | Natural Aphrodisiacs | Boost Libido | BabyZone

 

In addition, their are work-outs which can minimize stress. Yoga is a very good example; it can be practiced at home with aid of media. It can also boost sexual performance.

 

I suggest you following:

 

1. Strongly recommend your husband to involve himself in Yoga and/or similar healthy activities/exercises. He shouldn't devout most of his home-time on video gaming, if this is the case. He should focus on having some quality time with you. I understand his need for relaxation at home (which may be due to his nature of work) but he should make some effort to positively channel his energies and not waste them in-front of consoles and computers.

 

2. You take charge for the food department and offer your husband food items which may boost his libido. Link offered above. Alternative approach is to recommend your husband to consult a medical professional for potential use of supplements that may boost his libido. (Warning: never ever think about using STIMULANTS/DRUGS)

 

3. Suggest IC (Individual Counseling) to your husband, if you think that "effective communication" is a problem between you two. Sexual therapy may also help.

 

4. Get a vibrator or another sex-toy which may fulfill your sexual urges at home without your husband. Do not depend on him 100% on this aspect. And do not put undue pressure him to meet your sexual urges.

 

Is your husband a heavy consumer of Alcoholic drinks? (If answer is yes, then it is important for him to stop this consumption. It is not good for his physical health and also relationship in general.)

 

Also, keep in mind that marriage is a tough journey for both husband and wife. Having a faithful spouse is a blessing for any individual in current times; so cherish such a partner and keep in mind that nobody is perfect.

 

NOTE following:

 

1. Sex drive of a man is hardly consistent. It can be very high at some period and very low at other period.

2. Keep in mind that some people are not getting sex even once per week but they are coping well.

 

I hope that these tips may help you. Good luck!

Edited April 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[soniabenjamin]

I feel that if sex not an important factor to a relationship then stay, otherwise i think its not too late to find someone else whom can fullfill that desire....

[LeGenDary_Man]

I feel that if sex not an important factor to a relationship then stay, otherwise i think its not too late to find someone else whom can fullfill that desire....

I really dislike these kind of advises. Their is more to a relationship (e.g. marriage) then just self-gratification.

Edited April 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[xxoo]

I have tried to tell him I'd like to have sex more often/with more foreplay/etc. I have not come out and told him that it's a major problem for me...I guess because I know that that's a pretty awful thing for a man to hear, that his sexual performance isn't up to par. So I try to phrase things nicely, neutrally. .

 

When sex is his idea, and he wants it, can you slow it down? Tell him, "I'm not quite ready yet; I need some help catching up to where you are." In short: require foreplay before you allow him to penetrate you.

[Mumbles]

I really dislike these kind of advises. Their is more to a relationship (e.g. marriage) then just self-gratification.

 

Yeah, there is, but sex is a biggy when it comes to bonding and maintaining that bond for some people ... for me this is certainly true.

 

There might be something here:

 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

 

I'm a touch person and no sex, or not nearly enough is a deal breaker for me. the trick though is to not be selfish and make sure you are speaking your partners 'language' too.

 

Ultimately, my sexless marriage ended in divorce ... theres only so long one can deny the things that make them who they are. Probably, in my view, sexless partnerships are better maintained as friendships.

 

However, the OP is not in a sexless marriage, just an infrequent and not totally satisfying one. Sex therapy likely to be any good? No-one should be scared of therapy in my view ... has helped me a lot. If your partner is simply too lazy or unmotivated to agree to go then I'd be looking outside of the sex problem as there are likely other more deep seated issues with the relationship.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Yeah, there is, but sex is a biggy when it comes to bonding and maintaining that bond for some people ... for me this is certainly true.

 

There might be something here:

 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

 

I'm a touch person and no sex, or not nearly enough is a deal breaker for me. the trick though is to not be selfish and make sure you are speaking your partners 'language' too.

 

Ultimately, my sexless marriage ended in divorce ... theres only so long one can deny the things that make them who they are. Probably, in my view, sexless partnerships are better maintained as friendships.

 

However, the OP is not in a sexless marriage, just an infrequent and not totally satisfying one. Sex therapy likely to be any good? No-one should be scared of therapy in my view ... has helped me a lot. If your partner is simply too lazy or unmotivated to agree to go then I'd be looking outside of the sex problem as there are likely other more deep seated issues with the relationship.

I understand your POV.

 

I consider "romance" as an important part of a committed relationship such as marriage. By romance, I assume offering both mental and physical support to your partner.

 

Yes, sexless marriage can be a deal-breaker for some; even a "strong" partner might be able to endure such a relationship for several years but eventually reach a breaking point. But their is more to this argument; I believe that couples may often experience "sexless phases" during marriages. These shouldn't be deal-breakers, IMO.

 

You made a point with the bolded part in your post; issues might be deeper in the relationship in question in this thread.

 

The OP's husband might not be comfortable with his job? Is Alcoholic? Something disturbs him? These are the questions to focus upon.

 

It won't surprise me, if in this relationship, OP's husband is actually not getting sufficient emotional support from his wife when he needs it/secretly craves it. I suspect "communication issues" in this relationship. Women often don't realize that men need emotional support too, specially during stressful times. Issue is that we don't have "other side of the story" here, so it is difficult to judge and advice.

 

I am not willing to write-off OP's husband yet. He did agreed to counseling to save his marriage. Maybe it is time for the wife to get some IC for some self-introspection and/or to improve her marriage?