College distance

[254 Miles]

Hey I will probably register but right now I just want to echo all the sentiments here. I'm a freshman in college, and my ex-broke up with me about a month ago. I really thought we were amazing together, and it took me by surprise. She told me she didn't feel the same way (love me as much as she did), and when we talked the next day, she stayed firm. I didnt talk to her for a week, and then she called and told me how much she misses me and could she call me the next day? I said yes, she called and then on the phone once again approached her about it, and she said she didn't think the feeling would come back.

 

Then, another week later, she calls me and tells me how much she misses me and how she wants to say goodbye before we leave, so I go to her house and we sit there for a while. She's holding my hand, and when I go to leave, we hug for like 10 minutes, and then I go to kiss her. She said that it couldn't mean anything at that point in time, and I told her i knew it meant she still loved me. She said yes, and we kissed, and i left.

 

I call her a few days later to see how college is, and another week later we talk on the phone and she tells me that she only misses me like a friend, that she still loves me but she doesn't think the way she felt will come back. Then I say to her, as long as you love me, anythign can happen. Then she says, yes, that's true.

 

So, I've been keeping very loose touch with her, calling about once a week. I want her to realize what she is missing out on, because I would and did do anything for her. Help her with research projects, leave notes on her car while she babysat, wrote her letters in class. She loved that all. I talked to my aunt, who is a psychologist, and we both think that she may have convinced herself not to love me as much because we were goign away to school. If you tell yourself something enough, and it is a safe suggestion, your subconscious makes you believe it. She said it was so hard, and she can't explain it, and I just feel that is what happened.

 

I'm putting up pictures from my college experience up on the internet to make her see my face and remember the great times we had together, make her miss me and doubt her decision, break her subconscious barrier against me. She still wants to be friends, but I mean the subconscious barrier against loving me. I just have some weird faith that she will come back when she realizes how much we meant. She was never mad, and she told me she isn't looking for any guy at school. She loves talking to me still, and I believe that thinking about it so much (the college decision and how she felt) led her to convincing herself of a lie.

 

Any opinions on what I can do or say to help break her subconscious block? How I can indirectly make her remember how much she loved me and how great we can still be?

[254 Miles]

Please, I really need help here! Tomorrow is the day I usually call, and I'm dying over how to approach this whole situation, the mentality I need, if people agree with my assessment of everything. I'd appreciate any help.

[Scott S]

You haven't indicated how long you had been together, or how she viewed the relationship before you both shipped off. Your commentary indicates you have the stronger "love" feelings, while she's more in a platonic (albeit close) friend mindset. If this is off base, could you please elaborate/clarify?

 

In any event, you can't force someone to love you. If she's put up psycological blocks on her feelings, only she can remove them. Best thing for you to do is continue being a dear friend, keep in touch with her, but try to avoid being maudlin. Don't obsess. Don't make yourself look needy.

 

She remembers the great times in the past. You don't need to continually remind her.

 

Tomorrow when you call, talk about more general things. How are classes going? How's dorm life? Hope you didn't get a proverbial Roommate-From-Hell. Don't start with how much you miss her. She knows. You've told her already. Let her bring that up if she wants to talk about it.

[Scott S]

Please, I really need help here! Tomorrow is the day I usually call, and I'm dying over how to approach this whole situation, the mentality I need, if people agree with my assessment of everything. I'd appreciate any help.

 

Now here, you're acting needy. I know how you feel, but still...

 

What do you think would happen if you didn't call her tomorrow, but waited until Friday or Saturday? You've been very busy with getting into the routine, classes, etc. It was very late last night, etc.?

[backspn]

I agree with Scott......dont call her on "your" day to call her. She wanted the split. Let her have her time....she will miss you and call you...I guarantee it. I love my ex more than anything in the world but I will not smother her or make her view me as needy. I love her and will always love her....she knows this.....and you girl does too. The part that we struggle with is the fact that we are not the biggest part in their lives anymore....and that kills us. Nothing we can do about it. Just do your thing and things will fall into place. It is really hard, I know, I havent been the most important person in my girls life in 6 months and I am just now coming out into the sunlight. It is really hard to not call all the time, beleive me, but you have to avoid her in order for her to miss you. She cant have you on a string and pull you close when SHE wants.

[254 Miles]

Let me first say that I know I can't make someone love me, and I'm not trying to convince her. We've talked about once a week for the past few weeks, and not about "us", just about college life in general. About twenty minute conversations. We went out for about eight months, and we were both heads over heals for each other, absolutely in love. It doesn't sound like that long, but we met junior year of HS and went out a few months later. I haven't talked to her about "us" in two weeks, and I'm doing my best to show her I'm fine and not thinking about it. I don't intend on talking about "us" whenever I call her, either. I want her back, and she knows it, but I haven't said anything for a while. And, the whole time, I told her I respected her decision.

[Scott S]

Let me first say that I know I can't make someone love me, and I'm not trying to convince her. We've talked about once a week for the past few weeks, and not about "us", just about college life in general. About twenty minute conversations. We went out for about eight months, and we were both heads over heals for each other, absolutely in love. It doesn't sound like that long, but we met junior year of HS and went out a few months later. I haven't talked to her about "us" in two weeks, and I'm doing my best to show her I'm fine and not thinking about it. I don't intend on talking about "us" whenever I call her, either. I want her back, and she knows it, but I haven't said anything for a while. And, the whole time, I told her I respected her decision.

 

 

Now this sounds like you're handling it better. No offense intended, but your earlier posts sounded like you were coming unglued.

 

Like we said, for now give her a little room. Be more of a platonic friend, but be there. She'll come around if she thinks it's the right thing to do. And if it isn't, don't ruin the friendship you do have.

 

While you're at it, it wouldn't hurt YOU to take advantage of the opportunity to expand your social circles. Get out & make some new friends.

[254 Miles]

No offense taken. Sometimes I sound desperate when I talk about it. I am definitely still being a friend- I helped her do research for a philosophy test without her asking. I e-mailed her what I found and she was very appreciative.

 

I just don't want to be too close, because it's my instinct to do as much as I can for a person, and if she doesn't miss that, there's no real reason for her to come back to me, in a way. I guess it might sound bad, but I want her to miss all that I did for her.

 

I'm definitely making friends here, but I've sworn off girls until everything is figured out with my ex- whether or not we will get back together, etc. I know I'd be hurt if she got with another guy at school, and I don't want everything I say to her, if we ever have the conversation again, to be BS. She wouldn't know if I got involved with another girl, but I would, and I pride myself on honesty.

[RE: College distance]

No offense taken. Sometimes I sound desperate when I talk about it. I am definitely still being a friend- I helped her do research for a philosophy test without her asking. I e-mailed her what I found and she was very appreciative.

 

Good. Be there, but not all over there.

 

I'm definitely making friends here, but I've sworn off girls until everything is figured out with my ex- whether or not we will get back together, etc. I know I'd be hurt if she got with another guy at school, and I don't want everything I say to her, if we ever have the conversation again, to be BS. She wouldn't know if I got involved with another girl, but I would, and I pride myself on honesty.

 

 

That's something you have to decide for yourself, of course.

 

I'm assuming that you're both relatively young (late teens, early 20's). You will likely meet & love a lot of women before you meet the one that's your soul-mate. I was in my 30's when I met my wife!

[Scott S]

No offense taken. Sometimes I sound desperate when I talk about it. I am definitely still being a friend- I helped her do research for a philosophy test without her asking. I e-mailed her what I found and she was very appreciative.

 

Good. Be there, but not all over there.

 

I'm definitely making friends here, but I've sworn off girls until everything is figured out with my ex- whether or not we will get back together, etc. I know I'd be hurt if she got with another guy at school, and I don't want everything I say to her, if we ever have the conversation again, to be BS. She wouldn't know if I got involved with another girl, but I would, and I pride myself on honesty.

 

 

That's something you have to decide for yourself, of course.

 

I'm assuming that you're both relatively young (late teens, early 20's). You will likely meet & love a lot of women before you meet the one that's your soul-mate. I was in my 30's when I met my wife!

[254 Miles]

Does anyone have any idea what calms people's fears about relationships? She knows I can be a great boyfriend... do you think it was the distance that had her worried enough to convince herself that she didn't feel the same way? I know she still loves me... will it take me just staying the same person, and her realizing that she misses that person and that I'll always be the same, regardless of circumstances? Obviously, it isn't a guarantee to happen, but is that what you think would happen? Thanks in advance...

[254 Miles]

I know there is a lot of activity on the boards tonight, but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks!

[Scott S]

Does anyone have any idea what calms people's fears about relationships? She knows I can be a great boyfriend... do you think it was the distance that had her worried enough to convince herself that she didn't feel the same way? I know she still loves me... will it take me just staying the same person, and her realizing that she misses that person and that I'll always be the same, regardless of circumstances? Obviously, it isn't a guarantee to happen, but is that what you think would happen? Thanks in advance...

 

 

You're not going to stay the same person. You're going to grow, develop & mature, or at least I hope so. You may like Arrested Development as a band, but as a mental & emotional condition it's not a good way to be. Anyway...

 

As to your aunt's analysis of what's going on, unless she's talked at length with her (which I assume she hasn't?), she's basically making a very educated guess. Again, no offense intended, but try not to put more value in it than it really merits. Right now, no one can really say what's on her mind, so...

 

What you want to is continue being a good person & being her good friend. Be the kind of person she wants in a friend. She will decide for herself what she wants in a relationship. You can't stop or change it, so just let it happen.

[254 Miles]

I meant the same person in that I will always be kind and sweet to her, and always considerate and all that.

 

I know I can't officially tell what is on her mind, but in talking to her, it really seems like she convinced herself of everything. She suddenly came to the conclusion after a long time debating it internally (so, it couldn't have been that strong, because she was very, very hesitant in doing so) and said she can't explain what made her feel it. It's almost as if she hypnotized herself.

 

I am staying a good friend, because I want her to know that I have the same character traits now that I did when we went out. I'm doing a big of NC, though, because I want her to miss me and all that I did for her.

 

Thus, here's a question: Does seeming like you're fine and, while she knows you do miss it, act as if everything is okay, make someone miss you more? Or does trying to bring up old times make them miss it more? Two very different approaches, and a very important decision.

[Scott S]

Thus, here's a question: Does seeming like you're fine and, while she knows you do miss it, act as if everything is okay, make someone miss you more? Or does trying to bring up old times make them miss it more? Two very different approaches, and a very important decision.

 

Continuing to dwell on the past is not likely to be helpful, in fact it would likely be counter-productive. Act like things WILL be okay, & that your entire life is not defined by this relationship. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being autonomous, not needy.

 

Of course, that does not mean being a jerk, acting aloof, as though your relationship never existed. Let her have the time & emotional space she needs, & take advantage of it yourself. When the time comes, she'll miss you enough, & come back on her own.

[254 Miles]

I had an away message up tonight (the night I'm supposed to call her) and Kate IMed me, telling me she was sorry about what happened to my brother (he got into a fight at school and got roughed up and I put pictures of his shiner and bruises on my webshots as sort of an inside joke between he and I)... but the thing is, the link to the pictures is on my personal profile, so she had to be reading my profile and looking at my pictures. Keep in mind she wants to stay friends... So, this is thing she sent my away message:

 

Kate: oh my gosh! is ben okay?

 

Me: Away

 

Kate: i just saw your pictures

Kate: thats terrible

Kate: if you talk to him tell him i hope he's feeling alright

Kate: and happy rosh hashanah

Kate: hope everything is good with you too

Kate: i like checking up on your pictures

Kate: :-)

 

When I came back, I IMed her and thanked her for her concern. I talked small talk with her for about five minutes and then said I had to go, and maybe I'd call her tomorrow.

 

I know she wants to be friends, and she's about the nicest girl I've ever met, so I can't read too much into things, but I'm glad she's been looking at my pictures. I want her to see me having fun, and miss the fun we have. Any thoughts about all this?

[Scott S]

I know she wants to be friends, and she's about the nicest girl I've ever met, so I can't read too much into things, but I'm glad she's been looking at my pictures. I want her to see me having fun, and miss the fun we have. Any thoughts about all this?

 

Sorry to hear about your brother. Hope he's OK. A number of years ago I had some impacted wisdom teeth removed. The surgery was lengthy, the dentist actually had to chip away bone in my jaw to get at one of them. Imagine the swelling & discoloration. Anyway, my father thought it would be funny to take photos, & they're in the family album. I think I could have lived the rest of my life quite nicely without that, but...

 

Now back to you.

 

OK, let her see you having fun, enjoying life, but don't be in-your-face about it. Just live your life. Keep the light-hearted contact. She knows how you feel, so for now you need to give her the space & time she needs.

[254 Miles]

I was also wondering if it would be a good idea to call her at halftime from my college's football game. I said I might call her tonight but I didn't, and I was thinking that calling her from the game would show her that I am both having a good time and still thinking about her? Any thoughts on that?

[Scott S]

I was also wondering if it would be a good idea to call her at halftime from my college's football game. I said I might call her tonight but I didn't, and I was thinking that calling her from the game would show her that I am both having a good time and still thinking about her? Any thoughts on that?

 

OK, halftime is long gone now. Didn't get to the board over the weekend.

 

So did you call her? Have you _talked_ to her recently (not e-mail, not IM)?

[254 Miles]

I decided to call her after the game because I was sitting with friends throughout the games. We talked a little bit on Saturday, but she had to leave for a retreat (she goes to a Jesuit University), so she told me she would call me Sunday. This is the crux of the conversation:

 

She said the retreat was really good... they had these groups and they just discussed life and stuff and it said it helped her think about things... she said it helped her think about "our situation, missing her friends, being afraid that she would lose touch with her friends." When she said that, I thought, woah our situation? So, I asked what she meant by our situation in an unassuming tone, purely curious, and she kind of was just like umm you know, just being freshman and everything being different now. However, it sounded to me that she slipped up and did not mean to say "our situation" and was really talking about "us".

 

We then started talking about what we were doing at school, clubs etc. She is a very charitable person and has joined some charity groups at school, andI told her how generous she is. She congratulated me on the fact that I got a job on the school radio station, which is very hard to do here. It was very sweet and sincere.

 

We then talked about how she is sick of watching football with guys at her school, which brought up the time we watched the Superbowl together, during which time we were dating. We had a great time, and she seemed find reminiscing about it.

 

When she had to go, she told me she would "call me later in the week and we'd talk more"- this despite that I'm the one to call ordinarily. The way she said it made me feel as if she had something to talk to me about later on. So, we'll see.

 

Any thoughts?

[Scott S]

Sounds like she has a lot on her mind, & needs a little time to think of the right way to say it. I suppose you'll find out in a few days.

 

WARNING!! WARNING!! DR SMITH!! - If the rest of the week goes by & she doesn't call, WAIT at least until next Wednesday or Thursday before calling, e-mailing, etc.

[254 Miles]

The conversation definitely had a different tone that anything we've had since we both got to school- but I don't want to assume too much, for fear of jinxing it or getting my hopes too high. So, knock on wood.

 

I definitely am waiting for her to call, and if she doesn't, I had planned on calling next Monday or Tuesday. I'm busy all week this week, so I know that she may end up being so, as well. The ball is in her court when it comes to calling this week. I'm glad that I have been able to show her that I am having a good time and am accomplishing things. She sounded pretty impressed. So, we'll see what she has to say and what happens.

[254 Miles]

Every time I think about it, I start worrying that maybe I misconstrued what she had to say. But, I just have to realize that, if she says something about "us" when she calls, whatever she is going to say will be thought out and from the heart. And, it may not even be about "us" directly. It's very tricky.

 

Hows this plan: Thanksgiving break, if things remain the same and has no love interest that I know of, I will ask her to hang out, which I'm pretty confident she'll say yes to. Depending on what we do and where we do it, I'm going to just kiss her and give her something to think about. If she calls or says something during that break, all the better. If not, hopefully she thinks about it while she is at school, and says something either while we're at school, or when we're back for winter break.

[Scott S]

Every time I think about it, I start worrying that maybe I misconstrued what she had to say. But, I just have to realize that, if she says something about "us" when she calls, whatever she is going to say will be thought out and from the heart. And, it may not even be about "us" directly. It's very tricky.

 

I think you need to be more careful about how much you read into what she says. I know that separation anxiety is not a pleasant feeling, but don't let your imagination run away with you. You don't want to go doing something rash that you'll regret later.

 

Hows this plan: Thanksgiving break, if things remain the same and has no love interest that I know of, I will ask her to hang out, which I'm pretty confident she'll say yes to. Depending on what we do and where we do it, I'm going to just kiss her and give her something to think about. If she calls or says something during that break, all the better. If not, hopefully she thinks about it while she is at school, and says something either while we're at school, or when we're back for winter break.

 

That sounds like a great plan.

[254 Miles]

I'm definitely trying to limit my "analyzing", if you will. I'm trying to stifle any expectations, as not to get myself let down or in the mind frame to say something I know I will regret. Any ideas what I should be looking for in what she says, though? Any signs that she may be interested again?