Problem understanding how she can be this way.

[crash&burn]

Can anyone answer this question?

 

Was with my ex girlfriend for 2.5 years. She broke up with me, saying that over about the last 4 months things had gotten stale, I knew that we weren't doing the things we used to do, but I was happy with just being with her. Anyway she says that because it has been such a long time (4 months) of feeling that way, that she has it in her head that things now can't work. She tried to tell me that she had made hints about what was wrong, but I never really got those hints or realised the magnitude of them.

 

How can she brainwash herself into feeling like things can't work? Why didn't she try harder to communicate? How can she throw away a good 2yr relationship because things went funny for a few months?

[backspn]

She cant. She is putting up a defense to protect herself to not get hurt. Give her time.....dont contact her. Let her be for now....she'll call you when she's ready. She will call.

[crash&burn]

You see i've kinda already tried NC, and it didn't help.

 

We broke up 2 months ago, for the first month contact was very minimal, msg here or there, rang her a few times. Luckily I came across this site almost straight after the breakup, so I didn't do any begging, pleading, crying in front of her. I did however, ask her to clarify a few things, like what happend, what she was feeling, if she could see us working it out, if she wanted someone new, if she still loved me. She said that she didn't want anyone else, did still love me, didn't know how to fix it and because the unhappiness had been there for about 4 months, it was set in her mind that we were staying broken up. She was crying, trying to answer my questions, at the end of the day, it didn't really help, as I don't think she really knows whats going on. After that we met up once or twice for a drink or lunch, I didn't bring up anything about the relationship, but I know she could see I wasn't my normal happy self.

 

So after about 2 weeks of that bull, I decided that I needed to tell her everything, things like how much I loved her and that I now realise where I went wrong and that I was sorry for not seeing it before, I told her that I thought we could work things out. She said she loved me but didn't think she was IN love with me anymore. She said she couldn't see us working it out at this point in time and that I was bgeing unfair on myself trying to get her back. We spoke for about 3 hours, had lunch in between. We pretty much ended the conversation with her saying "call me if you think you can try being just friends".

 

I did NC for 2.5 weeks, which was terrible, I couldn't stop thinking about her, I was unhappy and I was making everyone around me feel it (i'm normally TOO happy). So I called her lastnight, mainly because I needed some help with some uni work. Things felt weird on the phone, she seemed more interested in watching The OC than talking to me, but said she would come over Thursday night after she finished uni to help me.

 

So thats pretty much where I stand at the moment.. In limbo really, I wish I could see us getting back together even if it was in a few years, I really think that she is the woman I want to spend my life with.. Even if its not for now.. Who knows maybe i'd have more fun being single, partying.. but thats not what I want.

 

What is going on here? I'm bewildered.. What do I do.. I want to work things out, I think that what we had is worth fighting for, nto many people have what we had.

 

Thanks

[backspn]

Then give it more time.

[Heartagram]

A lot of this sounds like what I'm going through right now, with the sexes being reversed. My ex suddenly broke up with me, saying he had been feeling this for a while...much like your ex. I unfortunately did a lot of crying and pleading after the break up so right now we don't talk at all, minus short business covos (we have a band together).

 

He still asks about me through friends, says he still cares, just doesn't know what the hell is going on at the moment because of his problems (too many to list, and they are legit). I think all we both can do, you and I, is wait it out. If they are the ones like we think they are, they'll snap out of it. It just sucks because you feel like you have to do the work in mending the relationship, when it should be them doing it. When you see her, don't bring up the relationship, at least until you feel some positive vibe going on (harder to put up a wall then). That's what I'm gonna try to do. Just my own advice.

 

Good luck hun.

[echo419]

crash, I might have said this in another thread---but I am pretty much smack dab in the same situation you are.

 

Would be 3 years for "us" in exactly one week. Just about 2 months ago she brokeup with me. Saying she had changed--I didn't. Similar to your EX, she had been feeling this way for a few months. Gave me a few pretty weak reasons--I don't make her feel like she is being taken care of, I don't take her out to eat as often as I should. WTF I paid the rent on our apt. (well she paid the electric and cable maybe that adds up to 1/4 to 1/3 the rent.) She would spend her extra money on clothes, I was pretty much paycheck to paycheck so I couldn't really take her to nice restaurants all that often. Anyway, I felt just like you. I thought we had something so great and I knew there were little things that we argued about and what not, but hey thats gonna happen. I feel like she kept her feelings inside and didn't tell me what was bothering her about "us".

 

Bottom line---I was (still am) more than willing to work on things, where she seems to want to just forget it all and move on. I sure hope she finds someone who she will NEVER have a disagrement with or she will never be happy....LOL Seriously though, it was like she focused on any and all negatives I have/had instead of the positives. I think I'm the other way around in that I'm willing to accept a persons faults because I focus on the good qualities they have.

 

So I wrote her this letter--about 2 weeks after the breakup telling her everything I wanted to do/change for myself. I actually thanked her in the letter for helping me realize some of these things. With that letter, and other things I had told her in the week before the breakup (we were on a "break" for one week prior) I basically told her everything I was feeling. Knowing that she knows all this sort of helps me because its all out there for her to think about, and its off my chest.

 

About a month ago she calls saying that she is coming over to get the rest of her things and she was just "letting me know". I said I could leave for an hour or so if she wanted, but she said I didn't have to. After I got off the phone I was extremely nervous. I had to tell myself over and over to just "play it cool". When she got there I helped her carry things to her car, pointed out things that were "ours" she could take, etc. By the end of it I swear I could see some pain or saddness in her eyes. I think she came over expecting me to be a wreck, and maybe I sort of turned the tables on her..? So she leaves and I really haven't talked to her since. Been tuff as hell. I'm actually getting out of this apt. this week and found some more things of hers and I'm debating on calling, emailing, or giving them to a mutual friend.

 

I guess I don't really have much advice for you, just wanted to let you know your not alone. Well, you already know that...but I think the best advice I've read here starts off with exactly what backspn said...

 

"Give it time"

 

Maybe this is just my opinion, but nobody can change her mind but her. I feel that by constantly telling her that "we can work it out" starts to work against you. If you've told her this once...she won't forget how you stand on it. She knows how you feel so focus on yourself for now bro and hopefully she will realize that SHE LOST YOU! I saw that somewhere else....I like it.

 

All of us will get through this in one way or another, this place sure does help!

 

Best of luck

[crash&burn]

Hi everyone

 

thanks for your posts. I've been thinking today and I have realised that I think my ex would be a great friend to have. She is a lot like one of my mates, and i've realised that she was a strong source of advice and knowledge, which might be one of the reasons I loved her so much..so i've decided that i'd defintely would prefer to have her as a friend than not have her in my life at all.

 

Do you think I should tell her that I think we can be great friends? Or just leave it actually happen?

 

Thanks

[werty]

Originally posted by Heartagram

A lot of this sounds like what I'm going through right now, with the sexes being reversed. My ex suddenly broke up with me, saying he had been feeling this for a while...much like your ex. I unfortunately did a lot of crying and pleading after the break up so right now we don't talk at all, minus short business covos (we have a band together).

 

He still asks about me through friends, says he still cares, just doesn't know what the hell is going on at the moment because of his problems (too many to list, and they are legit). I think all we both can do, you and I, is wait it out. If they are the ones like we think they are, they'll snap out of it. It just sucks because you feel like you have to do the work in mending the relationship, when it should be them doing it. When you see her, don't bring up the relationship, at least until you feel some positive vibe going on (harder to put up a wall then). That's what I'm gonna try to do. Just my own advice.

 

Good luck hun.

 

i too have sort of the same problem. and till now she doesnt wants any contact from me. how does this no contact really help them? i was wondering why they should do such a thing when infact at one time, u both were like as one

[Heartagram]

I wish I knew why no contact helps them. I was told it's because either a) if they talk to you, they feel guilty and/or don't want old feelings to resurface now or b) they have a running away complex...they try to avoid big problems.

 

I don't know. I think in my case it's a little bit of both. Ugh...

[crash&burn]

Hi everyone

 

I thought I'd keep you updated on whats been happening with my ex, maybe it will help others, either by doing or not doing what I did. Only time will tell, so at the moment its a work in progress.

 

Where I stand: I think NC is not for me, I actually think its doing me more harm than good, I honestly believe that I can move on with my life, while still keeping my ex in my life, even if I am still wanting her back.

So obviously I'm not doing the NC thing at the moment, if I decide that you were all right, i'll be the first to come back on here and say it, I've gotta learn this part for myself.

 

The ex came over tonight, I called her and told her I was having trouble with some of my uni work, she has always said that if I needed help to call her. So I legitimately called needing help. She came over after uni.

 

We spoke about crap for a few minutes, then we got into the books. I didn't bring up anything about us, I was pretty calm, and pretty much my normal self. She was over for about 4 hours. In that time we had dinner together, laughed a fair bit, but mainly she was just trying to teach me the things I wasn't sure on. I had fun, I think she found it fun too. Throughout the night we spoke about random things, like friends.. Overall I had a good night, wasn't awkward.. EXCEPT haha hows this, we were looking through my uni notes and there was a picture there i had drawn of of broken heart! That was embarrassing.. but we got over it in about 5 seconds.

 

Anyway, so the night was good, I made the move for when she should leave "I said, probably should let you go".. So I had the control.. I didn't try any crud when she was leaving like ask for a hug or try and keep the conversation going or try and make arrangements to meet up again.. I just said "thanks heaps for your help, I appreciate it, CYA!"

 

So now I feel as though we have progressed to a level where she doesn't feel uncomfortable around me, and now I can get on my way to getting her to fall back in love with me, afterall.. if you can fall out of love with someone, then hell, you can fall back in love with someone.

 

Now.. as I said before, I didn't try to make plans for us to meet up again, this does cause me a bit of a problem, as she might not call me as she might think i'm not ready to see her as friends without needing help for uni.. So i'm not too sure on what i'm going to do yet.. I'd say give it a week.. see what happens, then maybe try and catch up.

 

So thats pretty much where I stand, not much going on, but atleast i'm letting you all know my progress, and if things do work out, you will all know how I did it or how not to do it.. Whatever happens I feel as though I'm still gratefull to have my ex in my life as a friend, not everyone does.

 

So until my next update, hope you're all going well. Maybe I'll be on here during the week for some advice, who knows.

 

Crash