Is this normal?

[laura22]

I was out with my girlfriend (married for 13 years) and her 7 year old son this weekend. I invited them to come shopping near my house and go through a farmers market. Well pretty much the entire time her husband ... Who knew where she was and who she was with.. Was texting her. I found it annoying but whatever. Then he called her and told her that he forgot his garage door opens and was probably locked out of the house. He was on his way home. She told him to let her know.. And if he was.. She suggested that he go out with a friend or run errands until she Was done. Well low and behold he was lOcked out and wanted her to leave and come let him in. She was 45 minutes away!

 

Well she did. And I thought it was incredibly rude and selfish of him. And that's a common complaint I hear from her about him. In fact he is constantly pulling crap like this.

 

Am I wrong for expecting her to stay or did she/he act appropriately. It ruined our afternoon!

[CC12]

No, you're not wrong for expecting her to stay. You invited her to a thing and she should have kept her word. It wasn't an emergency at home so she should have stayed and wrapped it up - maybe a little faster than normally planned, but she shouldn't have abruptly cut it short. That wasn't fair to you.

 

But. Maybe there would have been some ugly consequences if she didn't immediately go let him in. If he always does stuff like this and won't ever leave her alone to be with friends, maybe he's a little controlling. If that's the case, try not to be too mad at her. It's a ****ty situation to be in.

[2sunny]

I guess she showed you that her husband takes priority over you.

[laura22]

She apologized profusely and told me she'd make it up to me. She's sweet and yes he's controlling. I have told her in the past that he's bad news. I thought this was a classic example. Isn't this extreme?

[CC12]

She apologized profusely and told me she'd make it up to me. She's sweet and yes he's controlling. I have told her in the past that he's bad news. I thought this was a classic example. Isn't this extreme?

 

Yes, but what is there to do about it? If she asks for your opinion of the situation, you can tell her you think he's controlling and bad news, but ultimately she's going to do what she wants. As her friend, all you can do is be supportive. Or not.

[laura22]

Well it is just that I have been supporting her and listening to her complaints. I have encouraged her to step up and be strong.. And consider leaving. I wouldn't want to be off base.. That's why I asked opinions here.

[CC12]

Well it is just that I have been supporting her and listening to her complaints. I have encouraged her to step up and be strong.. And consider leaving. I wouldn't want to be off base.. That's why I asked opinions here.

 

Oh, I see. Then, no, I don't think you're off base.

 

If this is his normal behavior - texting her constantly while she's out with her friends, demanding her attention at all times, and doing things that require her to cut her plans short - yeah, that's selfish and controlling of him. If I were her friend, I would point this out to her if she asked my opinion.

 

Being friends with someone who is in a bad relationship can be really tricky. They're your friend so of course they tell you about their personal life. And after listening to them, you always want to tell them, "Your boyfriend is terrible! Just leave him already!" But you have to tread lightly. You can't just always bag on her boyfriend (even though he sucks) and you can't always tell her to leave him (even though she totally should.) That might just drive her away.

 

Keep encouraging and supporting her, for as long as you can.

[pcplod]

She's your friend, warts, flaws and all. You know enough about her and her situation to know what life is like for her. Do you want her to be forced to choose? If you were in her place would you want her to have to choose?

 

I don't know how long you have been putting up with this, but if you value your relationship you are going to have to be patient and as understanding for as long as it may take. That is what true friends are.

 

And don't push her, and don't criticise her. It is always easier to say than do. That's just life for us all. Just take a deep breath, meditate, re-focus and offer support and sympathy. You can't live other people's *ucked-up lives for them.

[laura22]

I think she's a great person and I see her get run Over like a truck. The weird thing is her husband will act like this but then make dinners etc. so when she sees him acting so nicely she dismisses the other things that I find extremely unusual.

 

It sounds like he's a decent father etc but he controls her and he is also extremely negative. He just seems so dismissive and acts so stern ...

[Thegameoflife]

OP, you are here because you are seeking approval from outside sources, to get into your friends head and split her from her husband. I will say this: Unless your friend is being physically or emotionally abused, nobody has the right to get involved or sway a friend from their marriage. You are off base, and most people don't like being told negative things about their spouse; it's incredibly counterproductive if they are making steps towards working out any problems they might have. If her complaints are too much for you to handle without you wanting to take things into your hands, then the onus is on you to tell your friend that. You are assuredly in the wrong. Most often, when I see people doing what you're doing, the old saying," Misery loves company", comes to mind. Usually, people who do what you're doing are divorced. Not only that, but they tend to have ongoing relationship problems themselve, and look for reasons to drag their friends into their situation to normalize their situation. I think you should work out your own problems before you take on perceived problems of those around you.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Thegameoflife

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, you are here because you are seeking approval from outside sources, to get into your friends head and split her from her husband. I will say this: Unless your friend is being physically or emotionally abused, nobody has the right to get involved or sway a friend from their marriage.

Agreed. I've often found that the dynamics of other people's relationships look strange to someone on the outside. And certainly, were someone to look at my marriage, they'd have questions ! I'd be very neutral in my comments and feedback as you're only getting one side of things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TigerCub]

I think it's bad manners on the friend's part.

She could have just told her husband "I'm out with a friend right now, it's annoying and rude to have to keep texting you while she's trying to have a conversation with me, lets chat and catch up when I get home"

and then just put her phone on silent.

 

If the husband constantly plays these games when she's out with other people, it is also on her for allowing it. Because she so easily could just turn the phone off.

 

Your friend has bad manners, her husband may be annoying and/or controlling but she's indulging him in his behavior.

 

So maybe you can just limit your visits with her, or at least go into them knowing she might bail on you or constantly interrupt the visit when she's texting her H every 10 seconds.

 

You can always speak up and tell her how you find that behavior annoying and rude.

 

His behavior is not normal, it sounds really childish and rude, but she allows it, so her behavior isn't normal either.

[Thegameoflife]

I think it's bad manners on the friend's part.

She could have just told her husband "I'm out with a friend right now, it's annoying and rude to have to keep texting you while she's trying to have a conversation with me, lets chat and catch up when I get home"

and then just put her phone on silent.

 

If the husband constantly plays these games when she's out with other people, it is also on her for allowing it. Because she so easily could just turn the phone off.

 

Your friend has bad manners, her husband may be annoying and/or controlling but she's indulging him in his behavior.

 

So maybe you can just limit your visits with her, or at least go into them knowing she might bail on you or constantly interrupt the visit when she's texting her H every 10 seconds.

 

You can always speak up and tell her how you find that behavior annoying and rude.

 

His behavior is not normal, it sounds really childish and rude, but she allows it, so her behavior isn't normal either.

 

It could be that he is incredibly uncomfortable when she spends time with the OP. As a husband myself, I'd cringe at the idea of my wife having a friend that speaks ill of me to her, which may have caused fights in the past.

 

Here's a little story about a similar situation. My cousin and his wife have two kids, and they were in a place where their marriage was reasonably good. They just bought a house, and about 6 months later she started working a new job. Along with the new job, she made some new friends. The first time I met these friends, I was repulsed by the things they said. They were divorced, and practically relished in the idea of divorce, talking **** about their ex's. They liked to party and whatnot, and invited my cousin's wife along. He stayed home and took care of his boys. Because of her new behavior they started having marriage problems. Of course, she went to her new friends with these problems. They filled her head with negative crap about my cousin, who dispite some faults, is one of the greatest guys I know of. Fast forward a year later, he left her the other day. Their marriage went to crap because of little birds in her ears.

 

I'd say the husband is one smart man if he doesn't want his wife hanging around you. She did come here seeking affirmation of her stance to use as justification to try and split them up. I would say he's pretty damn astute.

[knitwit]

She apologized profusely and told me she'd make it up to me. She's sweet and yes he's controlling. I have told her in the past that he's bad news. I thought this was a classic example. Isn't this extreme?

 

Let me see if I have this straight: A husband texts his wife frequently during the day, and upon being locked out of his house asks her to help him out.

 

Unless there is more to this story, this is not extreme IMO. It's pretty normal stuff. I know I'd be ticked off at my hubby if he decided his time with his friends were more important than helping me if I were locked out of the house.

 

I agree with the OP that it is really annoying when someone is on their phone frequently (texting, calling, checking emails, etc.) when they are out and about. But it is pretty common. I know lots of couples, and shoot, even just family members, who are frequently texting back and forth.

 

I am not quite sure what here is a "classic example" of a guy who is "bad news", or "controlling".

[TaserTag]

As her friend, you're probably the one she vents to when her husband has done something that she finds irritating or upsetting. I've noticed that with a lot of my girl friends. They'll complain to me like crazy when their husband or boyfriend has done something that bothers them (and talking it out with me makes them feel better, like free therapy), but you hear less about the good things in the relationship, because a lot of people don't feel like they have to justify their relationship and don't want to be seen as bragging about it. You probably hear more about the off moments than the good moments.

 

Thirteen years of marriage and having a son together is a big deal and not something that anyone should cast aside lightly. I would guess that your friend would get rid of you before she broke up her family. I would never suggest that someone leave their partner, unless she or her child were getting abused by her partner (screamed at, threatened, physically or sexually abused). If her husband is just possessive and clingy towards her, that's not grounds for breaking up a family, in my opinion. Some women complain about that sort of thing and 'secretly' love that their man 'needs them.' You don't really know the inner dynamic there. And him wanting her home with him doesn't immediately point to being abusive either... it might just mean that he was lonely, missed his wife, wanted to see her, or had something to share with her.

 

It might suck for you sometimes, as her friend, and it might be rude for her to suddenly drop plans with you to go home (if she does this a lot).. but she does have a family and I'm sure her family comes first. I love my friends and go out of my way to support them and be there for them, but my husband is definitely my priority above everyone else.

[knitwit]

Well it is just that I have been supporting her and listening to her complaints. I have encouraged her to step up and be strong.. And consider leaving. I wouldn't want to be off base.. That's why I asked opinions here.

 

I think it is good to encourage friends and loved ones to recognize and maintain boundaries. If this is the support you're giving her, then great.

 

However, I definitely think you are overstepping if you are encouraging her to leave, unless there is a LOT more than what you're describing here.

[KathyM]

It's possible the husband is controlling, if he's texting her constantly while she's out, or tries to manipulate her time so much, and this may be a pattern rather than an isolated incident. But I agree with the poster who said you should tread lightly with this. Rather than criticize him or worse yet tell her to leave him, you could be a friend to the marriage while still supporting her in setting some healthy boundaries with him. You could say, for example, something like "Stan sure calls you a lot when we're out. Is there any way you could tell him to go have a cold one and chill out?" I think delicately encouraging her to set some boundaries with him would be helpful.

[shayla]

He is controlling, but she chooses to be there. If it were me, I wouldn't plan anything else with her, and I would probably avoid anything other than short outings, lunch, or something like that.

 

I also would ask her to quit complaining about her husband if she is going to stay with him. She tells you things, you get upset, and in the end she is right there with him, or she turns you into the villian, and they align themselves against you. Either way, you suffer for something she is volunteering for in the first place.