karen35 Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 I'm a stay at home mom and homeschool my two young children. My husband is very hard-working, about 60 hours a week, and also exercises 20-25 hours a week and competes in triathlons, and goes out one night a week with his AA friends, so is gone about 85 hours a week. He says he can't cut down his work hours and is a lawyer so can't get a job with less hours. He says he can't cut down his exercise although he knows it's excessive, b/c that's his outlet, I guess for dealing with job stress. And I'm supportive of his Thursday night AA meeting and going out with AA friends, of course. Anyway, I can't help being disgruntled about him being gone all the time, my 4 year old dd is always bugging me about daddy being gone, and I do wind up nagging him and complaining sometimes. My husband says he can't take the nagging/complaints anymore, and I am tired of his being gone so much. Counseling won't work b/c he is handling two jobs right now (a lot of turnover/firings where he works), and I don't think counseling for just me will help. What I would like to know is if I am being unreasonable about his 85 hours away from home? Should I just be happy & content as he is a good dad, hard worker, supports me and the children, doesn't cheat, etc. Another problem is that of course when he is home he is usually cranky & tired also from his strenuous schedule. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? Should I just stop my complaining and be happy about the situation? Thanks to any and all... Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 you could always get a job and make enough money so he can get another job with less hours. or you could stop your whining. Link to post Share on other sites
Author karen35 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 Thanks for the suggestion but currently I'm homeschooling my two autistic children. They wouldn't provide services for my 10 year old in the public school system as Florida doesn't have much money, so I was forced to homeschool them, and my 4 year old is also autistic suspected bipolar. I didn't want to get into all the specifics, but I do need to stay home and take care of them. I have my Master's degree in Education with a minor in Special Ed, so I am qualified to teach them, in case anyone is concerned. Thanks for your understanding! Link to post Share on other sites
Author karen35 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 Oh, I forgot to mention, guess I didn't make clear, that money is not the problem. My husband could make less money, but there aren't any lawyer jobs out there that are less than 60 hours, that he has had or knows of. We're not having any financial difficulties, and he could get a job that pays less, but basically law jobs require 60 hours or more of work, is what he is saying to me. He doesn't want to go into another field, he loves being a lawyer and loves his job. He enjoys working 60 or more hours a week! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 My husband says he can't take the nagging/complaints anymore, and I am tired of his being gone so much Sounds like he thinks that's YOUR problem and not his. Too bad he's WRONG!!! It is his problem. And it's going to get bigger. Does he think you just sit around rolled up in bubble-wrap all day waiting for him to come home and take you down off the shelf? No, you're going to end up moving on with your day-to-day life. He's leaving a void in it, and you will fill it with other people and other activities. Eventually the emotional distance will be too great. Next thing you know, the anger and resentment will build up, your sex life will go out the window, and one of you will be on the road to infidelity. I'm not saying that he's wrong to want to provide a good living, and stay in shape, but a problem for you is a problem for him. You don't feel like a priority in his life, so how are you going to maintain him as a priority in yours? don't think counseling for just me will help You may not be to the point of needing marriage counseling yet. But DO hie yourself on down to the bookstore and buy some books on the marital relationship. Spend some time thinking about the relationship, and energizing it. I know it sounds cheesy, but I really like Dr. Phil. I think everyone bears a certain amount of responsibilty in defining their own needs and making sure that they are met. If you allow yourself to become a victim in the relationship, you do a disservice to not only yourself, but to him too. And those precious little ones. THe marriage is the foundation upon which the family is built. Don't be shy about protecting it. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 You both HAVE to find some compromise. And just you talking to a therapist will help, if only to just give you ideas. You're an intelligent woman, you deserve things too, don't let anyone on here tell you to just stop whining. I doubt very seriously anyone who tells you this knows the immense amount of patience and compassion it takes to raise autistic children. You deserve praise for that alone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author karen35 Posted September 15, 2004 Author Share Posted September 15, 2004 [You don't feel like a priority in his life, so how are you going to maintain him as a priority in yours? Wow, you should be a psychologist (if you aren't already)! That's probably a big part of the problem. He's told me that work and exercise are his top two priorities, then the children, and then me. He said I'm last on his priority list, but it's a short list! That does hurt my feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 LAST ON HIS LIST?!?!? What a crappy thing to say (even if that is what he is thinking). Geez... I was going to suggest that you might join him in his workouts a few times a week... but that comment blew me away. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 He said I'm last on his priority list What a crappy thing to say!!! Sounds defensive. Usually when someone is defensive it's because they feel guilty and don't want to change their behavior! How will he feel when he's the last on your list? Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 Yes, you need to go to counseling yourself, this is bad, real bad. I have a son with autism as well, and his brother is also developmentally delayed. I also don't work, because it would be impossible to find anyone to care for my son. I know that you need your husband to support you, and be there for you. I know how stressful what you are doing is. You and your husband should be in a partnership in raising those children. What exactly is he doing to contribute to the health of your marriage? He's told me that work and exercise are his top two priorities, then the children, and then me. He said I'm last on his priority list, but it's a short list! That does hurt my feelings... I can't believe he actually said this! Of course it hurt your feelings. If he can't cut down on his work, then he needs to cut down on the exercise. His kids need to have a Dad. And what about you? Do you have time to do things for yourself? Spend some time looking at marriagebuilders.com, I found it to be very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 If he puts exercise over you and the kids he doesn't get it. Time for you to tell the him that. Link to post Share on other sites
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