Are commitment issues at the root of most of our generation's relationship problems?

[SalientPoint]

At my age, having been around the block a few times, have been dating since my early teen's, have had all types of various romantic interpersonal relations, serious, long term relationships to one night stands, have a college degree and have taken several communication and psychology classes in college, and have several friends that are therapists, looking back and looking forward, I truly believe that in most initially healthy relationships one person is just fundamentally more committed to the relationship than the other, barring the mutual breakup or unfortunate acts of fate like someone getting in a car crash and becoming a vegetable. Even if it's only .01% more committed, in the end, again barring mental health problems, abuse or glaring incompatibility from day one, that will be enough to tip the scales of someone getting dumped. If you shared a basic fundamental compatibility and he/she truly loved you and wanted to make things work, he/she would have openly communicated with you, or at least tried to, and been interested in compromise. I think where this diverges yet again, is if you have mental health or substance abuse issues, or date someone knowing they have absolutely no shared morals or values, that's all filed under the disclaimer. But at the same time, that's one of the reasons why our divorce rate is at an all time high al la Brave New World, if it's broke, don't fix it, throw it away and find something new. However, if you're younger than 25, file that under a disclaimer. That being said, maybe the solution is just to not " go steady" for the first 6 months you're together and have that now be the new norm, who knows I'm open to solution for my way of thinking.

 

Also, a lot, including a recent personal experience of mine, say marriage was being seriously discussed just to get dumped the next week. I and my last SO were old enough and in the normal state of life where bringing up the topic of marriage would be normal, and she claimed she wanted to marry me after at around a year, only to get freaked out and leave over fear of commitment the next week, all brought on by her. Now, I'm not old enough to be old fashioned, but I would never even personally bring up the mere mention of possibly being engaged if I wasn't ready to do it. And I think both of us in an ideal standard would have wanted to wait, but due to immigration issues it would have made total sense and be a good idea to seriously consider it, which she brought up of her own violation, then dumped me because she couldn't handle commitment. But that issue aside, I've seen lack of communication and commitment rule the last two generations.

 

Or is that just me?

Edited April 9, 2013 by SalientPoint

[OwlSoul]

Commitment fear is a result of the person being not interested in his/her partner rather than the problem itself.

[SalientPoint]

Absolutely agree with you. To expand on that, I believe then, we use that phrase as too much of a crutch compared to previous generations. I don't think guys should be forced to marry a girl they get pregnant if they don't want to, but at the same time, I've seen a lot of girls dump some guy with no explanation as to why and then lament that they had remorse when they never even talked to him about why they were unhappy. I was hoping we could all find an even balance.

[uniqwa]

You are not alone... People now days can RARELY commit in a relationship.. Marriage is something EVERY single woman on this planet ( unless she's a hussy) values, Now days it is considered "old fashioned" to consider being with one partner for an X amount of time .. To give yourself completely.. Marriage is a serious matter and is not to be taken lightly... Many people CAN'T do that.. Take me for instance..20 My ex told me he had wanted to marry me.. He also found an "open relationship" as something he really wanted, ( I was understanding he wasn't attracted to me but he "loved" me O_- ). In today's society.. Sex is something that is displayed in every aspect of life, commitment REAL commitment is not something that is valued.. It's as simple as that.

[Thunderchild]

Commitment issues effect both sexes, however, I see it as only part of a much wider problem.

 

We live in a world where relationships are transient mainly because of opportunity. The internet and global communication make it far easier to make contact with potential partners. This has fed into a culture of hyper-expectation (promoted by the Media) where we must strive to find the 'perfect one'. And, if one individual isn't perfect then move on to the next person.

 

Someone commented on a thread today about people dumping a partner and then realising what they had some time down the line being quite common.

 

The 'Perfect One' most liklely doesn't exist. We have to tolerate degrees of imperfection in people - lest they wouldn't be people.

[Thunderchild]

You are not alone... People now days can RARELY commit in a relationship.. Marriage is something EVERY single woman on this planet ( unless she's a hussy) values, Now days it is considered "old fashioned" to consider being with one partner for an X amount of time .. To give yourself completely.. Marriage is a serious matter and is not to be taken lightly... Many people CAN'T do that.. Take me for instance..20 My ex told me he had wanted to marry me.. He also found an "open relationship" as something he really wanted, ( I was understanding he wasn't attracted to me but he "loved" me O_- ). In today's society.. Sex is something that is displayed in every aspect of life, commitment REAL commitment is not something that is valued.. It's as simple as that.

 

Disagree totally - why are something like 75 - 80% of divorces initiated by the wife?? With the divorce rate being just over 50% of marriages. "Commitment" means very little these days to women (or men).

[thefooloftheyear]

Commitment issues effect both sexes, however, I see it as only part of a much wider problem.

 

We live in a world where relationships are transient mainly because of opportunity. The internet and global communication make it far easier to make contact with potential partners. This has fed into a culture of hyper-expectation (promoted by the Media) where we must strive to find the 'perfect one'. And, if one individual isn't perfect then move on to the next person.

 

Someone commented on a thread today about people dumping a partner and then realising what they had some time down the line being quite common.

 

The 'Perfect One' most liklely doesn't exist. We have to tolerate degrees of imperfection in people - lest they wouldn't be people.

 

 

Its this right here....

 

Blame it on social media, or whatever, seems like everyone is in a constant state of GIGS. And the sad reality is that the grass isnt greener. Im old enough to remember when no one even had a cell phone and computers were only in labs and engineering facilities. The easy opportunity just wasnt there, so people just didnt have the opportunity.

 

Now, some random person "likes" your fb photo and the next thing you know you are on to the next big thing....

 

Thats why I believe that loyalty, trustworthiness, and honesty are the most coveted of ALL traits when looking for a mate.

 

TFOY

[lavenderlove]

I totally agree with OP, and it gives me so much hope to see that there are men out there who think this way.

My ex paid 2 grands to get my visa sorted, which would have cost us nothing if we got married, this was at year 4, and his reason was that it is the wrong reason to get married. He basically stretched the relationship as far as he could, and once the commitment issue reached it's final end at year 8, he let the arrow fly. Arrow being me.

 

...I got pretty far:rolleyes:

 

So yes, I think that throughout history and in various cultures when two people fall in love, they let the community and each other know that via a ceremony of some sort. These ceremonies are as colourful and different as many cultures and people there are. I don't care what people say that it is jst a piece of paper etc, it is not. It means a lot, and this is why it is so scary for some. In the old days if you wanted to be with the one you love and make love to them you just had to put up with the consequences, and have a child. So all the commitment phoebes didn't get a chance to even rebel against what life just naturally brings for you. I mean who doesn't naturally fall in love in their teens?

 

Today we can decide EVERYTHING. There are no cultural boundaries and rules you cannot freely cross, and no cultural leaders, like a saman of your grandpa, there is nobody you MUST obey. So freedom gives choices, and choices lead to hesitation and confusion.

I think this is what is happening now.

Choices are ok for the kind of people who can make them, these people are the ones who invent things and think independently of the masses, but not everybody was made that way, a lot of us are better at following. But there is nothing to follow and everything to follow.

[Woggle]

These days and time are very rough for commitment minded people and it affects both genders. I don't see it changing anytime soon. Let people do what they want and if you are commitment minded to find somebody else who is.

[Pisces13]

Blame it on social media, or whatever, seems like everyone is in a constant state of GIGS. And the sad reality is that the grass isnt greener.

 

I agree with this, and I also think that the media these days is to blame too.

 

Look at all the mainstream music videos, songs, TV shows etc. out there today, most of it is all just about partying, sex and having a good time. The youth of today see this and think that this is what life is about, and have total disregard for meaningful relationships.

[Mack05]

I think (and this is just my opinion, many will disagree) that a lot of commitment issues comes down two or three main issues..

 

1) You meet to young and one partner feels they have missed out on life. Travelling, partying, etc etc. They see their friends with loads of stories and think "I have no stories".

 

2) The Promiscuity of this generation. In general people are getting together later and later in life. Both partners have partied, probably had a long term relationship or two. The average amount of partners for men/women in the western world is now 10! I personally couldn't marry a woman that has slept with 10 guys. I just couldn't feel 'special' with her. Ok it will probably mean I will end up single, but that is a decision I am very comfortable with. I am happy with my morals and don't feel the need or desire to change.

 

3) Another issue is people 'settling'. It's like all of a sudden you are approaching 30 and people tend to panic. Many tend to 'settle' and not really think through just how big a commitment marriage is. They think this person will do. It's like they have to convince themselves that getting married is the right thing. When the problems come you start to think is this person really special? Do I really know this person?

 

Getting married is extremely hard. If you do it young, it can turn into an almighty struggle. Do it late and you can't help but wonder are you 'replaceable' and/or really 'special'..Great marriages are the marriages that stand the test of time. Yes they can be hard but the rewards are incredible. That's the kind of marriage I would love to be apart of. Sadly very few men or women think and feel they way I do nowadays. I am an analog player in a digital world. Ces't la vie.

 

As long as you are happy within and enjoy life..

[Amelie1980]

Its this right here....

 

Blame it on social media, or whatever, seems like everyone is in a constant state of GIGS. And the sad reality is that the grass isnt greener. Im old enough to remember when no one even had a cell phone and computers were only in labs and engineering facilities. The easy opportunity just wasnt there, so people just didnt have the opportunity.

 

Now, some random person "likes" your fb photo and the next thing you know you are on to the next big thing....

 

Thats why I believe that loyalty, trustworthiness, and honesty are the most coveted of ALL traits when looking for a mate.

 

TFOY

 

Yup.

 

Now in relationship threads I see so many people worrying that they have been seeing someone for a significant period of time and they are seeing that their partner is still on the site and still logging in and actively looking. I saw one threads where someone was engaged and their fiance hadn't deleted their dating profile.

 

That is just shockingly rude and disrespectful. If you've found someone you like, give it a chance, get off the site and if it doesn't work out, go back on. OLD shouldn't be different to real dating. it's as bad as meeting someone in real life and then keep going out to pick yp women.

 

Relationships are just one more disposable commodity today. If Thrre's a problem don't even try to work it out, just throw it away and get a new one. dint even tell them you're having problems and try and work it out just blindside them.

 

No one is humble or grateful anymore. three is a shocking sense of entitlement today. never settle for anything less than perfection and tell yourself you're worth it.

 

Newsflash: your **** stinks like everyone else's, life and relationships will always involve settling, you do not get everything you want all the time and there is no such thing as a perfect partner. you will have to settle to some degree.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Amelie1980

[thefooloftheyear]

Yup.

 

Now in relationship threads I see so many people worrying that they have been seeing someone for a significant period of time and they are seeing that their partner is still on the site and still logging in and actively looking. I saw one threads where someone was engaged and their fiance hadn't deleted their dating profile.

 

That is just shockingly rude and disrespectful. If you've found someone you like, give it a chance, get off the site and if it doesn't work out, go back on. OLD shouldn't be different to real dating. it's as bad as meeting someone in real life and then keep going out to pick yp women.

 

Relationships are just one more disposable commodity today. If Thrre's a problem don't even try to work it out, just throw it away and get a new one. dint even tell them you're having problems and try and work it out just blindside them.

 

No one is humble or grateful anymore. three is a shocking sense of entitlement today. never settle for anything less than perfection and tell yourself you're worth it.

 

Newsflash: your **** stinks like everyone else's, life and relationships will always involve settling, you do not get everything you want all the time and there is no such thing as a perfect partner. you will have to settle to some degree.

 

Very well said, Amelie!!

 

The part I bolded is very profound. You have a real handle on this.

 

TFOY

[Mack05]

We can agree to disagree Amelie. IMO everyone is special (and should feel that way about themselves) and entitled to want to find someone, who is as special to them as they feel about themselves. That is not narcissism. I don't believe for one second that I am god's gift to women, but I do believe that I am a catch. I do believe I am a genuinely good man with a lot to offer the right woman, so why should I settle? I find it easy to meet girls when I put my mind to it, but in truth I want someone special.

 

I don't believe I will meet someone special by sitting on my ass hoping for the best (as I have done in the past). There is no entitlement there. I know the only chance I have of that relationship I desire, is to continue to put the hard personal work that I am doing with myself. Indeed if I am being true to myself I need to work harder, far harder. Even if I don't meet that someone special at least my relationship with myself will have improved and that will lead to a good life. The happier you are inside the better brother, uncle, son, friend I become. The happier I am inside the better chance I have of attracting the right kind of girl.

 

If I don't think of myself as special, you can be damn sure that anyone outside of my circle won't! I will never give up on my dreams. No matter how many times I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps..That's why I will succeed, even if I don't meet miss right.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Mack05

[Amelie1980]

We can agree to disagree Amelie. IMO everyone is special (and should feel that way about themselves) and entitled to want to find someone, who is as special to them as they feel about themselves. That is not narcissism. I don't believe for one second that I am god's gift to women, but I do believe that I am a catch. I do believe I am a genuinely good man with a lot to offer the right woman, so why should I settle? I find it easy to meet girls when I put my mind to it, but in truth I want someone special.

 

I don't believe I will meet someone special by sitting on my ass hoping for the best (as I have done in the past). There is no entitlement there. I know the only chance I have of that relationship I desire, is to continue to put the hard personal work that I am doing with myself. Indeed if I am being true to myself I need to work harder, far harder. Even if I don't meet that someone special at least my relationship with myself will have improved and that will lead to a good life. The happier you are inside the better brother, uncle, son, friend I become. The happier I am inside the better chance I have of attracting the right kind of girl.

 

If I don't think of myself as special, you can be damn sure that anyone outside of my circle won't! I will never give up on my dreams. No matter how many times I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps..That's why I will succeed, even if I don't meet miss right.

 

There's believing youre special and believing nothing is good enough for you.

 

You know what a head f**k my last break up was right? It made no logical sense. Our interests don't match 100%, couldn't name a favourite film, didn't like many of the current cheesy pop stars, ...

 

Never mind the fact that we made each.other laugh like no one else ever has, were enthusiastic about the samebthings, amazing chemistry, cared for and loved each other.

 

Eff all that because I can't name a favourite film. I'm not just making it up and he wasn't either or using it an excuse. he started from the first date and never got off my back about it. he used to say things like "come on I want to get to know you and my friends have askrf too, what do you like on tv and what's your favourite film,food, etc etc etc" it drove me crazy. Adults do not get to know each other by knowing favourite films, children do..

 

Even on our last date(the movies) so what's your all time favourite film? I could have screamed. I had to go through it again, I have many film I like, I do not rate one above all others.

 

Its that sort of entitlement. Not settling for someone who doesn't match you in terms of petty interests in just stupid.

[Mack05]

Amelie what you are failing to grasp is what is happening beneath the surface. This isn't about favourite movies, cheesy singers.

 

Just because you had a certain view of the relationship, doesn't mean that the same view. If he saw the relationship in the same way, if he valued it in the same way, he wouldn't have left. Period

 

There are people out there that will never make sense to me. It's pointless trying to understand behaviours, that you will never understand. It's over and you need to accept that. There are red flags all over this guy, yet you choose to ignore them. Until your focus goes off him and onto you then you will stay in this rut. Quitting on yourself is never the answer.

 

If you know what you want then go out and get what you want but if someone doesn't agree or share with your dreams then let them go and find someone who does.

[SerCay]

This thread is sooo good to read to see there are like minded people out there!

 

I would like to add another pov to this..

 

Next to the people that cannot commit and continuously get the gigs etc. there's also the people who have found a person that is committing fully.

Once they realise this person is committing fully, they start to act out like they want and do whatever they please because they know they're with a committing person.

 

Now when you are the committing one in this kind of relationship, you, as a committing person are also left no choice but to leave at some point! So much for committing, you just HAVE to leave because the person you're with has realized your committing and is using it to the fullest to do whatever they please!

 

This happened to me, I didn't want to be a person like that to have short term relationships all over, I wanted to go for it, try and make it work. I was 2.5 years with my ex who disrespected me in many many ways. But I stayed, because I wanted to be a committing person, feel me?

 

I think this happens a lot as well..

[SalientPoint]

This thread is sooo good to read to see there are like minded people out there!

 

I would like to add another pov to this..

 

Next to the people that cannot commit and continuously get the gigs etc. there's also the people who have found a person that is committing fully.

Once they realise this person is committing fully, they start to act out like they want and do whatever they please because they know they're with a committing person.

 

Now when you are the committing one in this kind of relationship, you, as a committing person are also left no choice but to leave at some point! So much for committing, you just HAVE to leave because the person you're with has realized your committing and is using it to the fullest to do whatever they please!

 

This happened to me, I didn't want to be a person like that to have short term relationships all over, I wanted to go for it, try and make it work. I was 2.5 years with my ex who disrespected me in many many ways. But I stayed, because I wanted to be a committing person, feel me?

 

I think this happens a lot as well..

 

 

I totally agree. That's what's happening to me. My SO knows that I am committed but she is not, so rather than just being mature and honest and breaking up with me, she started ignoring me and treating me badly because she knows she can.

[Thunderchild]

We can agree to disagree Amelie. IMO everyone is special (and should feel that way about themselves) and entitled to want to find someone, who is as special to them as they feel about themselves. That is not narcissism. I don't believe for one second that I am god's gift to women, but I do believe that I am a catch. I do believe I am a genuinely good man with a lot to offer the right woman, so why should I settle? I find it easy to meet girls when I put my mind to it, but in truth I want someone special.

 

I don't believe I will meet someone special by sitting on my ass hoping for the best (as I have done in the past). There is no entitlement there. I know the only chance I have of that relationship I desire, is to continue to put the hard personal work that I am doing with myself. Indeed if I am being true to myself I need to work harder, far harder. Even if I don't meet that someone special at least my relationship with myself will have improved and that will lead to a good life. The happier you are inside the better brother, uncle, son, friend I become. The happier I am inside the better chance I have of attracting the right kind of girl.

 

If I don't think of myself as special, you can be damn sure that anyone outside of my circle won't! I will never give up on my dreams. No matter how many times I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps..That's why I will succeed, even if I don't meet miss right.

 

Which brings us to my point of hyper-expectation. How 'special' do people believe that THEY are? How realistic are their expectations based on what the have to offer someone else. We've all seen the dating profile of the 20 stone single-mum, with 4 kids by 4 different guys, a pile of debt, no prospects and a colossal sense of entitlement holding out for Gerard Butler lookalike? And, the guys ain't much better in some cases - the fat, bald, middle-aged unemployed bloke with no prospects, bad breath and personal hygiene problems holding out for the 25-year old hottie.

 

Feeling 'special' is all well and good - just be realistic about your special-ness!

[Thunderchild]

I totally agree. That's what's happening to me. My SO knows that I am committed but she is not, so rather than just being mature and honest and breaking up with me, she started ignoring me and treating me badly because she knows she can.

 

It's amazing what the word "No" does to individuals like that!

[Quiet Storm]

I think the problems are related to many different Family of Origin issues, and commitment is one of them.

 

I think that many people are not taught healthy coping skills by their parents in childhood. Problems should be communicated and solutions should be discussed, in healthy ways.

 

Negative feelings shouldn't be numbed with substances. Negative feelings shouldn't be nurtured and validated by a new sex partner. Negative feelings are not something to escape from. They are there to be felt, acknowledged, explored, worked through.

 

Many families & couples deal with their problems and issues by ignoring or hiding them. This causes them to fester under the surface and builds resentment.

 

Kids raised in families like this did not have models to show them how to deal with relationship problems...so they either cope in unhealthy ways or run.

[Mack05]

Which brings us to my point of hyper-expectation. How 'special' do people believe that THEY are? How realistic are their expectations based on what the have to offer someone else. We've all seen the dating profile of the 20 stone single-mum, with 4 kids by 4 different guys, a pile of debt, no prospects and a colossal sense of entitlement holding out for Gerard Butler lookalike? And, the guys ain't much better in some cases - the fat, bald, middle-aged unemployed bloke with no prospects, bad breath and personal hygiene problems holding out for the 25-year old hottie.

 

Feeling 'special' is all well and good - just be realistic about your special-ness!

 

I am . I'm not 20 stone, bald or have kids by different mothers which means I must be a huge catch

[Thunderchild]

I am . I'm not 20 stone, bald or have kids by different mothers which means I must be a huge catch

 

So'm I I know my worth (and my personal value), but my expecations are most probably not realistic. I tend to under-sell myself and try to accommodate too much where I shouldn't.

[Amelie1980]

Which brings us to my point of hyper-expectation. How 'special' do people believe that THEY are? How realistic are their expectations based on what the have to offer someone else. We've all seen the dating profile of the 20 stone single-mum, with 4 kids by 4 different guys, a pile of debt, no prospects and a colossal sense of entitlement holding out for Gerard Butler lookalike? And, the guys ain't much better in some cases - the fat, bald, middle-aged unemployed bloke with no prospects, bad breath and personal hygiene problems holding out for the 25-year old hottie.

 

Feeling 'special' is all well and good - just be realistic about your special-ness!

 

Exactly. I know someone who will only go on.dates with slim young blonde women.

He's over 40, balding overweight and with a beer belly. Interestingly he doesn't get passed the first date stage.very often.

 

One of my colleagues is a diva. she prides herself on being high maintenance. she lets her insecuries hang out to dry, gives her bf merry hell if he doesn't answer her calls, he had to let her choose her own Christmas presents from him as he knew she wouldn't like anything he chose for her. She chose a £500 designer handbag and they had only been together 6 months! Their first holiday together was a trip to Marrakech. She said it was for ME so I got to choose everything. She delighted in showing me pictures of the suite they stayed in and describing the best restaurants they went to chosen by her. I got out my photos of a trip to Marrakech i did and she had missed out on the most amazing sights purely because she was so head up her a$$ about getting what she wanted and getting the verybest. I didn't hear her say anything nice about her bf even though he paid for everything.

 

On my first weekend away with my last bf we went somewhere low key and got a budget hotel...which was lovely. All that mattered was being together and I would not have had it any other way.

 

With people like my colleague: high maintenance and worth it...sorry honey YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT. No one is.Relationships are NOT about getting everything you want from your master list and anything less is settling.

 

Believing oneself to be special is one thing but nitpicking and discarding people over small stuff is just silly.

 

Some people say that when you are dating that you should hold out for what you really want rather than settling for anything less. The trouble with being too rigid with your image of Mr or Mrs Right is that you might go through life and never meet anyone who can match up because your expectations are unrealistic.

Edited April 10, 2013 by Amelie1980

[reaver]

Theres a fine line between "settling" and having an imperfect partner. Everyone "settles" in some way technically- you will never find someone who fulfills all your requirements. I dont like that word because it means different things to people. Settling to me is when you dont really appreciate your partner, they treat you bad to the point where you do deserve better or you want other people on a constant basis because you hate being tied down. Some people say settling is having a partner who doesnt tick all your boxes- thats not how I see the term. I know several marriages where people did actually settle. Theyre not in love and they did it out of fear of being alone, biological clock ticking or because everyone they knew was getting married.

 

I have to say Im terrified to get married. I am terrified because emotional neglect is very common in marriages. My mother was an awesome lady, though not perfect, and my father ignored her for years on end after the novelty of the marriage wore off (I think she told me he turned into a detached person after 5 years of M) He never changed though he knew my mother was miserable. He didnt cheat on her or abuse her (2 dealbreakers for me) but honestly, I dont blame my mother for divorcing him. Scary thing is, I know divorce lawyers who say this is a common reason to divorce coming from the woman's side and many men see nothing wrong with emotional neglect when he describes it to men.

 

I dont think that women initiate 70% of divorces means much. There are def some women who do divorce over nothing and Ive met them. However, men seem to be afraid of divorce and are likely to look elsewhere while being married still or more likely to stay in the marriage itself while women can walk away. Most of the women I know who initiated divorce did it because he cheated or he was emotionally neglectful and she was at her wit's end. I do know some who could have worked things out. However, it takes 2 people to work on a marriage and if your wife/husband doesnt do anything or have motivation to change, are you supposed to be miserable for the rest of your life?

 

Just because people divorce nowadays doesnt mean marriages are unhappier...people back in the day were just as miserable but it wasnt as accepted for a woman to leave. Now if her husband cheats she doesnt have to stay with him. If a guy's wife is a manipulative biatch for years on end, he doesnt have to stay either.

Edited April 10, 2013 by reaver