Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Most men that have known me for a longer time, years, as friends (most of them failed romances actually) - say that I come across as someone that needs protecting and they have tender feelings towards me. When we met, they saw me as "combative" and "difficult" and not vulnerable at all. But yeah, once I truly relax with someone, I am a completely different person. Just takes such a long time for me to fully open up and relax. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 Don't you wish there was a rating agency for ppl that could tell them 'hang in there son, the payoff's good enough after you get over the gritty parts'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Don't you wish there was a rating agency for ppl that could tell them 'hang in there son, the payoff's good enough after you get over the gritty parts'. I am just afraid that people will hurt me, so I protect myself by being unpleasant. It works to push (some) people away Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 I call it the shell. I have it too, but i think mine acted in different ways : - when faced with the possibility of a relationship i used to panic, and decide that it wasn't worth it, so any interest coming from a girl was instantly dismissed - developing self-deprecating sarcasm [along with becoming a cynic]; i 'knew' that others would make fun of me so i decided [instinctively] to have the first strike ... 'HAHAHAHA, see, i'm doing it to myself so i'm cool !' kind of attitude It's kinda hard to remove the layers and you end up trusting them with little by little information and thinking [or even saying] 'i hope they won't spread this'. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I call it the shell. I have it too, but i think mine acted in different ways : - when faced with the possibility of a relationship i used to panic, and decide that it wasn't worth it, so any interest coming from a girl was instantly dismissed - developing self-deprecating sarcasm [along with becoming a cynic]; i 'knew' that others would make fun of me so i decided [instinctively] to have the first strike ... 'HAHAHAHA, see, i'm doing it to myself so i'm cool !' kind of attitude It's kinda hard to remove the layers and you end up trusting them with little by little information and thinking [or even saying] 'i hope they won't spread this'. I also panic and can provoke arguments/fights if I feel someone is getting too close. Then when they react badly, I tell myself, "Yeah, I knew they would abandon me anyway" :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 I haven't gotten that bad [sorry]. But i think it's great that you recognize the process unfolding in your mind, because in time you will be able to stop yourself. So bottom line, you are insecure about your attributes in attracting someone so you end up denying yourself [punishing even] that relationship. PS: Do you end up doing push-pull ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 It's interesting something that Cerri posted earlier, about changing your type. I used to go for men that were insecure and felt they were hurt by women. I felt safer with those kinds of men because I felt they are less likely to hurt me and being insecure, we had something in common. But things went badly with each one of them. Other than that, they were also all white collar professionals, with stable jobs and very much above average in intelligence. I wouldn't date someone blatantly insecure again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I wouldn't date someone blatantly insecure again. I agree. It has worked for my sister (I think I mentioned this to you before: both my sister and her boyfriend are very timid, insecure people) but I think probably through luck. Because of their demeanour we often imagine them to be nicer but it's often not the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I haven't gotten that bad [sorry]. But i think it's great that you recognize the process unfolding in your mind, because in time you will be able to stop yourself. So bottom line, you are insecure about your attributes in attracting someone so you end up denying yourself [punishing even] that relationship. PS: Do you end up doing push-pull ? YES. A lot. Which just comes across as confusing and messed up to people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 I agree. It has worked for my sister (I think I mentioned this to you before: both my sister and her boyfriend are very timid, insecure people) but I think probably through luck. Because of their demeanour we often imagine them to be nicer but it's often not the case. Maybe they synchronise very well. Personally, i'm tired of going for wounded birds, but i'm ok with a shy non-wounded bird. PS: Pun not intended but i'm ok with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Maybe they synchronise very well. Personally, i'm tired of going for wounded birds, but i'm ok with a shy non-wounded bird. PS: Pun not intended but i'm ok with it. Yes you have to be careful around both my sister and her boyfriend though they are both used to my sense of humour and I see him making bolder statements nowdays. They are very sensitive though and that gets tiring. An example: my sister and I both like yoga and go to a class on a regular basis but it is not possible to correct her posture because she gets upset by the 'criticism'. When she was burglared I couldn't get her to talk to her landlord to fix her door (poor lock was the problem) so she paid for the fixing herself. Things like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 That sort of thing can seriously impair communication in a relationship. So your sister is this shy and you box with guys. You're the older sister i take it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 So your sister is this shy and you box with guys. You're the older sister i take it ? I am the older but that's just a cliche. Boxing has nothing to do with confidence, it's to do with conquering your fears. I understand the importance of that and she doesn't. That's the difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 I am the older but that's just a cliche. Boxing has nothing to do with confidence, it's to do with conquering your fears. I understand the importance of that and she doesn't. That's the difference. I hope you didn't take it seriously, i was poking fun at you [i hope this is right in english]. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I hope you didn't take it seriously, i was poking fun at you [i hope this is right in english]. No I understand why people would see it like that Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Emilia and Radu, are you both Romanian? Radu, hope you find your type and it works well.... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Emilia and Radu, are you both Romanian? Radu, hope you find your type and it works well.... How dare you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Is this a good time to bring up Transylvania again? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radu Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 How dare you! We need to lynch him. I think on that we can agree ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Oups, sorry, sensitivities here. I'm Romanian, I understand you're not. Take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Oups, sorry, sensitivities here. I'm Romanian, I understand you're not. Take care! Radu is, I'm not Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Radu is, I'm not Alright Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 don't listen to them... Emilia is Romanian she just doesn't know it, her ancestors were Gypsies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 don't listen to them... Emilia is Romanian she just doesn't know it, her ancestors were Gypsies. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 It's interesting something that Cerri posted earlier, about changing your type. I used to go for men that were insecure and felt they were hurt by women. I felt safer with those kinds of men because I felt they are less likely to hurt me and being insecure, we had something in common. But things went badly with each one of them. Other than that, they were also all white collar professionals, with stable jobs and very much above average in intelligence. I wouldn't date someone blatantly insecure again. I think that's why I was attracted to someone - why I actually dropped my guard. Unfortunately, they turn out to be the ones most likely to hurt you. Although the one in my life also decided that he needed to quit his job, start taking drugs, go partying on a regular basis, etc. I'm contradictory in that I want to be accepted as I am, but I feel like I'm being pounced on, and that any vulnerability is being exploited, if a guy makes a move on me when I'm feeling that way. I can't handle it: I need to be feeling good in order to deal with a man. Link to post Share on other sites
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