Are men only truly attracted to emotionally unavailable women?

[Eternal Sunshine]

This seems to be such a repeated problem for me and my friends. Men only seem to be very interested in us before we show that we are really interested. Once we do, they have "conquered" us I guess and we lose appeal. This is nothing to do with sex; the timing of it seems to be irrelevant.

 

I am not sure if these men are emotionally damaged or what, but it's always the same. And they all have an ex or multiple exs that they were crazy about but they were cold and treated them badly. These were the women they pined after.

 

So naturally, the less emotional women tend to do very well in dating. I have only had men express strong interest to the point of obsession when I wasn't into them. Thus, I appeared to them to be cold. I literally barely gave those men a time of day and the lengths they went to to pursue me

 

Even men that broke up with me ended up coming back once I completely lost interest in them.

 

I am not sure what is so repelling about a woman clearly expressing her interest and emotions. At this point, I CBF holding back anymore. I lose respect for a man if I need to be cold to get him or if he responds well to me ignoring him

 

I am struggling to get it; if I like someone and if I find out that he likes me back - my interest only increases.

[iris219]

The men who only liked you when you were cold and unemotional sound damaged in some way. They clearly don't desire LTRs. They would eventually have gotten bored with you regardless of how you behaved or allowed a casual relationship with no emotion involved to develop. You said they still pine for an ex, so it sounds like they have issues from being hurt in the past. They are not relationship material at all.

 

An interested, stable, relationship-minded man will be thrilled when you finally open up to him.

 

I wish you could meet a man IRL. OLD dating seems to be the pits in Australia. What's going on with the cute guy at work?

[EasyHeart]

Screwed up guys like emotionally unavailable women; emotionally healthy men like emotionally healthy women.

 

OTOH, you can't read too much into it. It's perfectly normal for a relationship to start off with an anxious pursuit stage where a guy aggressively chases you and then settle down into a more comfortable relationship phase once you have both agreed that you are interested.

[veggirl]

These guys are the equivalent of the girls who like "bad boys". Yes there are many of them.

 

It reminds me of one of the recent threads where a guy said he misses his crazy ex who used to throw things and scream

 

These are guys who are either young or never grew up.

 

How soon do you completely open up to guys?

 

I agree you shouldn't play games and act cold if you like a guy, but I wonder if you come on too strong at the beginning, if they take it as like a girl trying to latch on after 2 dates and make it insta-relationship you know?

 

Then again, if they run at any sign of opening up, that's on them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The men who only liked you when you were cold and unemotional sound damaged in some way. They clearly don't desire LTRs. They would eventually have gotten bored with you regardless of how you behaved or allowed a casual relationship with no emotion involved to develop. You said they still pine for an ex, so it sounds like they have issues from being hurt in the past. They are not relationship material at all.

 

An interested, stable, relationship-minded man will be thrilled when you finally open up to him.

 

I wish you could meet a man IRL. OLD dating seems to be the pits in Australia. What's going on with the cute guy at work?

 

I have looked through OKC options in US and there are some MUCH better quality men, at least in the major cities. It's really bottom of the barrel here and I have pretty much no other way of meeting men. All my friends are coupled up and hang out with other couples.

 

Guy at work; nothing is going on, I barely see him around, I can't just hit on him before we have developed any real rapport. I am not even 100% that he is single.

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW at a recent friend's wedding, I have met a couple of guys who both turned out to have serious gfs (which they have failed to mention during our conversation and both asked for my number). Other friends filled me in. The sad thing is that both guys were barely average in every way and completely left me feeling meh. And even they are taken. It's crazy.

 

I am yet to meet a man that is single in real life in 2013, even an uninterested man, just ANY man. Sigh.

[Anela]

BTW at a recent friend's wedding, I have met a couple of guys who both turned out to have serious gfs (which they have failed to mention during our conversation and both asked for my number). Other friends filled me in. The sad thing is that both guys were barely average in every way and completely left me feeling meh. And even they are taken. It's crazy.

 

I am yet to meet a man that is single in real life in 2013, even an uninterested man, just ANY man. Sigh.

 

This has happened to me several times. The guys are usually with someone who really loves them, but they get bored (or their ego is pumped by the women they're with) - and I have no idea how they get these women who could usually have their pick of men. Well, they get to them emotionally. I was never one for the Kurt Cobain types. They're all dependent on having a woman in their lives, for their self-esteem.

 

It's really insulting. I don't like that they think I would do that to their girlfriends (I wouldn't do it for a guy I found to be really attractive, because that would just tank any feelings of attraction). Or if they think I'm desperate enough to go for another woman's man. Ugh. I have a friend who, when she was divorced, received an offer from her friend's husband regarding an affair, since he felt so abd that she wasn't having sex.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This has happened to me several times. The guys are usually with someone who really loves them, but they get bored (or their ego is pumped by the women they're with) - and I have no idea how they get these women who could usually have their pick of men. Well, they get to them emotionally. I was never one for the Kurt Cobain types. They're all dependent on having a woman in their lives, for their self-esteem.

 

It's really insulting. I don't like that they think I would do that to their girlfriends (I wouldn't do it for a guy I found to be really attractive, because that would just tank any feelings of attraction). Or if they think I'm desperate enough to go for another woman's man. Ugh. I have a friend who, when she was divorced, received an offer from her friend's husband regarding an affair, since he felt so abd that she wasn't having sex.

 

I saw pictures of their girlfriends on FB and they are both much more attractive than these guys

 

I am not sure how they keep them, go to weddings alone and pick up other women on the side. That's the problem with women, once you hook them emotionally, all reality goes out of the window

[Woggle]

Some people only value what they can't have. When a woman is not available I say next so I can't tell you why these guys do it but some people have perpetual want what you can't have syndrome.

[Esoteric Elf]

I am yet to meet a man that is single in real life in 2013, even an uninterested man, just ANY man.

You're not really that funny.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You're not really that funny.

 

I really haven't met any without OLD.

 

I am not saying that I would date any guy I meet in real life, just that I haven't met any, haven't been rejected by any, haven't rejected any. Just nothing. Without OLD, I probably meet 1-2 single men per year, in my age range, just during my every day life, including social activities. It's been like that since I turned 30.

 

When I was 20 something, nearly everyone I met was single. It was a different story. Too bad I wasn't forward thinking enough back then, to actually want a serious relationship.

[AlexDP]

This seems to be such a repeated problem for me and my friends. Men only seem to be very interested in us before we show that we are really interested. Once we do, they have "conquered" us I guess and we lose appeal. This is nothing to do with sex; the timing of it seems to be irrelevant.

 

I am not sure if these men are emotionally damaged or what, but it's always the same. And they all have an ex or multiple exs that they were crazy about but they were cold and treated them badly. These were the women they pined after.

 

So naturally, the less emotional women tend to do very well in dating. I have only had men express strong interest to the point of obsession when I wasn't into them. Thus, I appeared to them to be cold. I literally barely gave those men a time of day and the lengths they went to to pursue me

 

Even men that broke up with me ended up coming back once I completely lost interest in them.

 

I am not sure what is so repelling about a woman clearly expressing her interest and emotions. At this point, I CBF holding back anymore. I lose respect for a man if I need to be cold to get him or if he responds well to me ignoring him

 

I am struggling to get it; if I like someone and if I find out that he likes me back - my interest only increases.

 

Of course not. Where on Earth did you get that idea from? An emotionally unavailable woman is a huge turn off for me.

[carhill]

Some EU ladies wear a convincing 'mask' of more superficial availability and EU only becomes clearly evident well into the 'getting to know' process. The best of them manage it based upon perceived emotional attachment. I used to call it 'ersatz intimacy'. I was reflecting upon such an instance just now, as early morning tends to lend itself to reflection, then happened upon this thread.

 

Some men are attracted to EU; some are deceived; some believe what they perceive as their reality. I've experienced bits of all three over the decades. I hope that era is over.

[BetheButterfly]

Not 100% of men, no. I was emotionally available when I met my husband, and he was attracted to me, and he was the one who pursued me. He was also emotionally available, which I have found to be not always the case with guys!

 

We have a very strong emotional connection, and I am so glad that my past relationships, where the guys were not really emotionally available, did not work out!

 

I think emotional availability + mental and emotional connection = a very good start for a relationship!

 

That's why it's so important to be healing/healed from past relationships before getting into another one! Otherwise, the person just stays emotionally unavailable and doesn't understand why he/she has such a hard time connecting emotionally to another person.

[BetheButterfly]

BTW at a recent friend's wedding, I have met a couple of guys who both turned out to have serious gfs (which they have failed to mention during our conversation and both asked for my number). Other friends filled me in. The sad thing is that both guys were barely average in every way and completely left me feeling meh. And even they are taken. It's crazy.

 

 

I am yet to meet a man that is single in real life in 2013, even an uninterested man, just ANY man. Sigh.

 

I think maybe a move might help? That's really sad.

[tuxedo cat]

Some EU ladies wear a convincing 'mask' of more superficial availability and EU only becomes clearly evident well into the 'getting to know' process. The best of them manage it based upon perceived emotional attachment. I used to call it 'ersatz intimacy'. I was reflecting upon such an instance just now, as early morning tends to lend itself to reflection, then happened upon this thread.

 

Some men are attracted to EU; some are deceived; some believe what they perceive as their reality. I've experienced bits of all three over the decades. I hope that era is over.

 

Yes, I call this "faux intimacy" but I also like "ersatz intimacy." Women who are natural actresses have the broadest appeal to men in my experience.

 

I've observed them in action. They exude warmth while always leaving a tiny part of the guy wondering if they're really interested in him or if they're like this with a lot of other people. When they listen to a guy speak their eyes light up as if in that moment is the most interesting man in the world.

 

The giveaway that their interest is shallow and they're not truly emotionally available is that almost seem too smooth and studied. They don't display a hint of nerves--you know the good kind of nerves that you have when you're first getting to know someone you really like.

 

I think on some level the guys realize this. The veneer of interest allows them to believe that the girl might be really into them but there's always that trace of doubt so they don't feel like they truly have her. This ambiguity hooks them.

 

Btw, good salesmen use the same trick on their targets. I had an uncle who was an amazing salesman and he had a very similar approach as these women when he was trying to close a deal.

[Ruby Slippers]

ES, I think it would do you a lot of good to travel. Something big and wild is ideal - but even fun weekend trips to nearby places would be very invigorating and renewing for you. You need a change of environment, some new scenery. Travel is exciting and cracks you open.

[trevzilla]

I don't think it's just women, people in general want want they can't have or is difficult to get. I'm not really like that, I've turned down my share of women but I wasn't attracted to any of them. If I thought wow she's hot and she came after me I wouldn't be turning her away unless she was crazy and a stage 5 clinger.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, I think it would do you a lot of good to travel. Something big and wild is ideal - but even fun weekend trips to nearby places would be very invigorating and renewing for you. You need a change of environment, some new scenery. Travel is exciting and cracks you open.

 

This is definitely what I want to do. I feel completely stuck in a rut here. Travel won't be possible for the next few months due to work.

 

I have pretty big plans for the future though, including relocating. I just need to ride out till about the end of this year, and not go insane

[SuperGeek]

I am attracted to a lot of women, but unfortunately they just aren't attracted to me first and that is where it starts. The girl has to have an 'interest' first and if that isn't there then nothing happens.

 

OP, I think you probably have a lot of guys that are attracted to you, but you likely aren't attracted to many of them. I'm just guessing here obviously as I can't possibly know your situation.

 

One of my neighbors complains that there are no guys left that like her, yet I see guy after guy falling all over her. If you listen to her words, you'd think she was the last single female left on the planet with not a single guy taking notice of her for 50 miles. This is not the case at all. Since I know her and observe how she acts more than most, I can see she rejects tons of guys that she just plain doesn't have interest in. She just doesn't reflect the true reality of what is going on in how she describes her situation.

 

Women are still a mystery to me and likely always will be. It's good that I gave up my pursuit in understanding women as that has resulted in me being more attractive to the opposite sex.. at least some have even commented that my vibe is more of a challenge to them now

 

Anyhow, not to derail this thread, but OP you will run into someone when you least expect it I've been single for three years with a plethora of dating escapades so I know how you feel. It's just a matter of time

 

SuperGeek

 

P.S. You also happen to be living in a time where females are more independent now than ever before. Dating sites, meetups, and tons of other options are available to meet available men. Women tend to have a much better turnout on dating sites than men do (naturally) so you could check out that avenue if you haven't already.

 

My neighbor has several dating profiles up and she gets flooded with guys sending her emails and invites out on the town. So many she can't even read them all.

Edited April 11, 2013 by SuperGeek