Move overseas or stay with Great Guy

[dollyllama]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I really need some advice.

 

My boyfriend (30) and I (35) live together. He is great, all a woman could want in a man and we have a good relationship. We've talked about getting married this fall.

 

I have shifted so much, back and forth. When we first started dating, it was long distance for a couple of months while I was at military training. Back then, all I wanted was to marry him and start having babies.

 

While I do love him and it would break my heart to be without him, I'm not so sure I want to get married again. That rush of YES has cooled.

 

I'm divorced, so is my boyfriend. We rushed things and didn't take the time we needed in between. Well, I feel this way, he doesn't. We weren't even legally divorced yet when we moved in together! This has resulted lately in me feeling like I *really* need some space and he gets hurt by that.

 

I want to go overseas and teach English. (I'm not in the military anymore and haven't had any luck getting a job here in the States.) Badly. I love adventures and new places. He wants to go too, but when he retires in a few years. Lately I've been thinking...I need some time to be on my own two feet, to build a life for myself that does not surround a man, no matter how wonderful he is. I'm playing the part of this Betty Crocker housewife who makes curtains and cooks dinner, but I'm not sure that's what I really want. Sometimes I really think it is. Shouldn't I know what I want at 35??!!!

 

I'm sorry to make this more complicated, but there is another aspect that I think is relevant. I am estranged from my family, was abused as a kid. With my boyfriend, this is the first time I have had a stable, loving home life and a truly wonderful partner. I am so fearful of letting that go to run off overseas. He is my only support. What if I never find that again? I am so scared of losing him....I would never ask him to wait for me while I take an open-ended amount of time on my own...yet I can't seem to let go of the idea of teaching. Then I try to imagine saying goodbye to him and getting on an airplane, and I just can't do it. I don't know if I could handle it emotionally, much less in a new job in China.

 

I have been so conflicted about this for months and it is affecting our relationship. He can tell something is wrong. The last time I talked to him about it, he was so wonderful about it and in that moment all my desires to leave dissipated. But they are back now. I don't want to hurt him or keep him in the dark. I can't seem to make my mind up and it is driving me crazy.

Edited April 9, 2013 by dollyllama

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

First of all, welcome to this forum, I hope we will be helpful and that you'll find support here you want!

 

Secondly, I would like to ask you a couple of questions, if I may, that might help me and others give you advice:

 

1. How long have you been together? If I missed this part of your post, I'm sorry.

 

2. You've mentioned that you weren't legally divorced when you moved in together. May I ask how much time there was before the actual separation from your respective spouses and the two of you starting to go out? And how much time did you go out before you moved in together?

 

3. Is he your 2nd serious relationship? Do you feel the desire/curiosity about what it's like to be with other men?

 

4. Have you ever gone to individual counselling? I'm asking this because you mentioned family abuse... I'd also like to say that I'm really sorry that you were abused & I wish you all the best in addressing this!

 

5. Do you feel the need to be on your own completely, or that he/any guy would represent a smaller part of your life? For example if you two tried long distance, or if you two lived seperately, so you'd be free to spend entire days without seeing him etc.?

 

6. I'd strongly recommend (since you've mentioned abuse in family) books called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (available online in PDF if you Google it) and "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner. Both of them have helped me a lot to not only work on the abuse I've suffered, but to also understand how it affects my relationships with women.

 

Best of wishes and I hope to hear from you again soon.

 

p.s.: Great nickname:D

[dollyllama]

Thanks for replying! I am desperate for some unbiased opinions.

 

1. How long have you been together? If I missed this part of your post, I'm sorry.

 

We started dating 10 months ago. I was in training for 3 months shortly after we started seeing each other, and moved in together right after that, against my better judgement. I actually had my own place lined up for when I got back, but canceled it. The normal stupid justification...we'd be together all the time anyway, save money, etc. We haven't had any major bumps in living together, but I really wish I hadn't canceled that place!

 

2. You've mentioned that you weren't legally divorced when you moved in together. May I ask how much time there was before the actual separation from your respective spouses and the two of you starting to go out? And how much time did you go out before you moved in together?

 

I was separated from my ex-spouse for 5 months before I started dating BF. BF was not legally separated when we started dating, but in process of. I don't think his ex was living at home at the time, but moved in with her boyfriend. Both our marriages were really messed up, we married addicts. I knew the particulars of his situation before things got romantic between us...we went out for drinks as friends to commiserate, and things quickly picked up from there.

 

3. Is he your 2nd serious relationship? Do you feel the desire/curiosity about what it's like to be with other men?

 

No, I've, um, been around the block a few times . Sometimes I want to flirt or am attracted to other men, but I am a very loyal partner and would never cheat or put myself in a situation where I would even be tempted to.

 

4. Have you ever gone to individual counselling? I'm asking this because you mentioned family abuse... I'd also like to say that I'm really sorry that you were abused & I wish you all the best in addressing this!

 

Yes! It helped immensely. I also went to AlAnon, which was a great support. I was also treated for PTSD, a combo of my growing up and being married to an abusive alcoholic. I feel pretty good, am always learning, but I feel like I am emotionally healthy. I sometimes have a vague depression from time to time, but it's manageable. I don't act like a helpless victim anymore now that I'm not stuck in a fight/flight response.

 

5. Do you feel the need to be on your own completely, or that he/any guy would represent a smaller part of your life? For example if you two tried long distance, or if you two lived seperately, so you'd be free to spend entire days without seeing him etc.?

 

I'm not really sure without being in the situation, but right now I think I would feel better with just more separation. I don't think that would work for him though. We've talked about it. He mopes. If by some miracle I did find a job here (Southern Cali, it's real tough here) and got my own apartment, he would see it as a step back, a regression in our relationship. When I was gone for 3 months, he had a hard time with it. I would try long distance, but I don't have much faith those relationships work out long term. I could be wrong.

 

Sometimes I do want to be on my own completely. I feel like I have been dependent on someone or a bigger system (military) my whole life. I can only think of a year or two past the age of 21 where I was single and not obligated to the military. And that doesn't feel right. I am such an independent, free spirit. I look at my mother and sister who never had careers or a life of their own...always entwined themselves to man after man...I see myself doing the same thing and I don't want to be that.

 

But I worry I would deeply regret giving up my life with my BF. He is so supportive and loving and I know how lucky I am. To leave him would be like walking away from a winning lottery ticket. I know it sounds like I want my cake and to eat it, too! I love him and crave the intimacy, companionship, and stability we have...but I also want to forge my own path independent of any outside influences.

 

6. I'd strongly recommend (since you've mentioned abuse in family) books called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (available online in PDF if you Google it) and "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner. Both of them have helped me a lot to not only work on the abuse I've suffered, but to also understand how it affects my relationships with women.

 

Thanks. Toxic Parents was great...I haven't read the 2nd one.

Edited April 9, 2013 by dollyllama

[Radu]

Marriage scares you, and you want to run away.

 

The regret about the apartment, the example of your mom and sister, your choice of first husband.

What you fail to realise is that you have been on your own since 21 anyway, despite depending on a bigger system [the military].

 

I don't think you're ready for marriage, not unless you decide to go in and give it your best possible shot.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi Dollyllama!

 

Hmm, to be honest, I haven't been in such a position as you have, so I'm not entirely sure what to tell you. So if you don't mind, I'll wait for a while so others, more experienced members, will give you their advice. In the meantime, I hope some of the following questions will help you decide:

 

1. if you somehow got a job in SoCal and thus would have this big part of your life independent of him (all the time you'd spent in your workplace, your circle of friends etc.), does that sound like something closer to a compromise of the two options? I know you can't know until you've tried it, but if you try to imagine?

 

2. you've mentioned the desire to flirt and the attraction to other men -> I know you said you wouldn't cheat, which is great! But I'd like to ask if you have any thoughts about why you feel this need to flirt and why do you feel attracted to other men?

 

Has this need/attraction been here from the start of the relationship, or recently? And on the other hand, do you still feel like in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship (given that it's been 10 months)? Em, I've heard in my life the phrase (loosely translated) "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" -> is there any chance that you might not be so much in love with him, but perhaps more that you love him as a person, think he's a great guy, you love the stability, safety,...?

 

I don't mean to be cynical, pessimistic, ... , but I'm talking from experience (my ex gf - she told me she never really was single for more than half a year and needed to be alone (while on the day she broke up with me she said if a certain other guy would ask her to be his gf, that she doesn't know what'd she say; she also said that she thinks I'm the best possible boyfriend etc., but that this isn't it etc.), my friends' stories, the stories I've read here on this forum, ...) that it's important to consider this possibility once the other person starts to feel the need to flirt, starts being attracted to other people... I hope I'm being too overanalyzing here, but I just wanted to raise this possibility for you to think about...

 

3. You've mentioned that he's your only support. Do you have good/close friends here that are just/predominantly your friends, your support "network"? If not, do you think it would increase your perception of your life as more independent if you had more "just your" friends, with whom you'd be able to go on weekend trips etc. by yourself (without your bf)?

[Cutiepie1976]

I think a six-month or one-year stint overseas would be very healthy all around.

 

Sometimes we need a safe distance to learn to appreciate and value what we already have.

 

You are quite right BTW. Dating and relationships progress. They move forward. When they take a step back (e.g. moving out) or stagnate, it's often the beginning of the end. Going overseas to work while you're unemployed will be one of the few ways to get the distance you need without having this seem like a step back in your relationship. You will also gain valuable work experience and/or language skills.

 

Either you will come back fully committed to your relationship. Or you will discover, that you jumped into the first option that fell your way instead of processing the fallout from the demise of your previous marriage, healing, and figuring out who you are and what you really want and need. Of course, your boyfriend needs to do the same despite his fears of being alone and on his own.